Is it right to have children in an unstable marriage?
Book on raising children
I can’t find the answer to this question anywhere so I have to ask myself.
My parents have not been living together for several years and NEVER see each other. My mother has four children including me. She says that she had us last two children because people told her to and she thought it might fix her marriage. Well it didn’t fix her marriage, she bought all us children into an unstable family and now that we’ve grown up we're very unhappy. My parents live separate but they never confronted properly what went wrong in their marriage.
Now my mother always talks to us children about it. She ALWAYS takes her anger out on us, I know that;s normal but she does it when a situation has nothing whatsoever to do with us.
Out of curiosity, we asked our mother why she had us last two children (we were born a few years after the first two) when it was clear her marriage was a wreck from DAY ONE. This made her angry despite our question being logical, we just wondered because we knew she could have easily left our father and gone back to her family and career.
I mean it’s one thing having two children but then having another two thinking it will fix things doesn’t make sense. Even if my mother did think it would work at the time, she doesn't admit now that you have to be careful with bug decisions like this. Instead she gets mad at us and calls us weak children just because we'd rather not fight and argue about everything in order to win.
Alhamdulillah we are not weak, we have dealt with a lot in our lives. Especially because of my mother's anger towards her husband which has been going on since us last two children were babies. I know it's hard to forget unhappy times but the thing it's been going on for several years and my mother hasn't moved on.
Listening to her constant complaining now makes us children feel wise beyond our years, as if they were all our problems.
My question is, what does Islam saying about having children when it is so clear the marriage is unstable and that the husband and wife are not as happy as they should be? I understand that Allah does what he wills but that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m talking about making your own decision about choosing the best time to conceive a child in your marriage.
Isn’t it wrong to have children thinking it will fix your marriage when Islam already tells us not to enter a marriage knowing we are not happy with it? Some couples may want to try for one child to see if it improves the marriage but if that doesn’t work should you try for more children?
Being the result of a marriage like this, us last two children have become bitter, we’re always in the middle of everything. For example, our mother over-analysis everything and when we try to make her see the situation rationally we get accused of taking sides. Especially when it has to do with her getting suspicious with my father. Of course she has a right to have some suspicions after her terrible marriage but she does take it really far a lot of the time, even when it has to do with her friends.
Sadly, us last two children never want to get married. Not just because of family problems but because it’s become innate which is something we both realized a while ago. The thought of marriage just makes me feel uneasy and numb because I know us women are expected to be a specific way and I can’t live up to that. I’m far from it, I don’t take care of myself so let alone being a wife and mother one day.
I've felt strongly about this for the past couple of years. This is how I know I can’t make my future husband happy - I’d be tired trying to live up to my role while working at the same time (I want to earn for my own security, at least for a few years). Also, I know I wouldn’t open up all my feelings to my husband. The only person I open up to is my younger sibling because we are both experiencing the same feelings, for some reason it doesn't feel right sharing with others my deepest thoughts.
I would only marry someone if I really like them and if they respected the real me. These feelings I have won’t go away even though I’ve read loads and loads of stuff about how marriage is good for you. I pray that Insha'Allah I will change one day but if anything I’m becoming more reluctant. It’s sad thinking I may be alone for the rest of my life but I’d rather have that than have an unhappy marriage.
I am just so sick of fighting, I've grown up with it and want some peace. I know life isn't perfect but I have to say, I am really exhausted by it and pray it will get better Insha'Allah.
Fabbiano.
5 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
assalamu alaikum fabbiano,
People are imperfect. Sometimes you can in life plan plan plan and have inspected someone thoroughly, their values, how they incorporate islam into their lives, and you can think that you at the moment are making a good decision a solid one.but..people change.in the moment your mom thought she was doing the right thing and in the end it wasnt her fault because maybe her intent was to be a good stable and dedicated wife and mum.Alot of times us as muslimas are put under so much pressure.to always stick by the husband side no matter the issue, pray our duas and wait for change and/or have patience and that life is a test...The problem is sometimes we lose what is the most valuable is our respect for ourselves.we think by sticking in a bad situation that good will in time come out of it and it never does. Sometimes we fear if we leave our husbands our children will suffer more without a father around. i CAN understand why questioning her would upset your mum, she did what she thought was right at the time and now realizes maybe it wasnt...but she DID HER BEST with what she knew..questioning her must make her feel horrible..because it may make her feel as if she ruined your lives.
lay off your mum a bit. See how you can help her obtain happiness ask her how she feels instead of trying to interrogate her past decisions..it wont change them. and btw all families have some sense of instabliity and rocky times..this is life. i think i have a great marriage with five kids and a husband...does he make me upset sometimes yes..somethings i cant stand about him but i love him and his imperfections bcos alot of times we are a product of our environment and your mum is as well.
be a bit easy on her as she is your mum and questioning why you were brought up into existence as a mum i would be so hurt.
ayat
I've never asked my mum that questions in a hostile way. It was simply curiosity because it really didn't make sense to me or my sister. I know my mum was doing her best but at the same time she followed other people's advice (who told her to have more children). I feel like she never followed her own instinct which was to leave and go back home. Masha'Allah my mother was capable of becoming well established if she did return back home but then she worried about divorce affecting her reputation. We spend so much time thinking of what others think of us we don't realise that because of it we end up choosing a path in our life that we normally wouldn't choose to do. I'm in a situation like that now and I am being very careful, I want to follow my own instinct because listening to others has complicated my life on many occasions. I'm going to end up hurting people this way but I have to take the path that makes me feel comfortable and at the end of the day it is my life. Insha'Allah following my instincts is best for me.
Fabbiano, As-salamu alaykum. There's no need to question your mother about choices she made when she was younger. Everyone just does the best they can in this life. They make choices that seem good to them in the moment. Sometimes they turn out to be good choices, sometimes not. Your birth and your existence was decreed by Allah. You are not here on this earth by mistake. You have a purpose in this life.
If your mother insults your father or demeans him in front of you, just tell her, "Mum, please don't talk bad about dad in front of us because he is our dad and we have to respect him."
Don't worry right now about whether or not you will get married. Maybe when you meet the right person it will change your heart. Allah knows best. For now just focus on your studies, and on being the best person and Muslim you can be.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I never mentioned, my mother also said she had more children after her friends told her to. They said if she didn't then my father would leave, despite this he did end up leaving for a while anyway. He never made sure we were properly taken care of while he was gone. I don't know the full story since I was just a baby, but I always wonder which parent has twisted the story around, either to make it worse than it really was or to make the other look bad.
Anyway I was just wondering, shouldn't couples be careful about the environment they bring a child into? Rather than bringing a child into the world because people expect it or they've been told to?
I've tried telling my mother not to talk badly of my father. Firstly because she should have moved on by now because it's been several years and it's not healthy. Second, because she wants us to hate him which is why she tells us bad things about him (even though we already don't have a close bond with him). I hate it because now I'm stuck with sick things in my head that I wish I never knew. There are some things a parent should not tell their children when discussing the other parent.