He’s blackmailing me – I am in a dilemma
Blackmail.
I had a boyfriend in the past, but I realized that he was going after other women so I left him. One day my father said to me, "a rishtah has come for you from Pakistan". I said yes.
I told my hubby I needed more time before I could let him come close, but he tried the first night and broke my trust. I shouted at him and never let him come close to me. Even in the UK, we had arguments and never shared the same room at my parent's house. We got divorced after he got his passport.
I met someone on a Muslim marriage site in October 2012. He told me he has never done drugs or smoked or had women, and he is clean. I believed him. I told him about my past, and that I was still a virgin. One day we met, and I liked him. He always said to me "let's do nikkah, as we meet every week and it's haram", but I kept on saying no.
One day I texted him and said "I am all yours you can touch whatever and I will not say no". The reason being was that I knew he would not pass his limit. He said to me once "I want to see you in Asian clothes". I went and met him, and he was being sexual with me- like kissing my feet.
Then he texted me some days later and said "wear some nice Asian clothes so I can see how you look". I said "ok, I will meet you with Asian clothes, but I need to change back into my work uniform." I asked him where to meet, and he told me a hotel. I just said that's fine, and we went to the hotel. We were in the same bed, but Allah is my witness, we never had sex. Although I was there all in front of him, and he was being sexual, I could not even say a word at that time. I texted him that same night saying it was wrong. he replied "we never slept together, just chill".
Then I went to Pakistan. He didn't want me to, but he would phone me saying he loves me a lot. After a while during my visit to Pakistan, he started to call me nasty stuff like s**g and stuff. He did say sorry because he didn't want me to go (I was ill at the time). He use to say "why did you go if you are not well?"
My sister in Pakistan told me She was not going to marry the guy she likes because of mom and dad. She doesn't want to be disowned, because my family believes in the caste system as we are Jatt. I told him "I can't marry you because of the things you said", but the real reason was my parents. Although he was Rajput, I thought my parents might not agree.
A few months later he started to blackmail me, as I told him about my family issue. He would say he was going to send the hotel DVD to my address and tell my family things the I told him. I told him I didn't trust him; and he replied that the biggest trust a man can give me is having me in front of him in a hotel bed and not having sex, because what man will not do anything? Every night he would argue with me saying "I am going to do this or that", but recently I have not heard from him. He used to say "I will take sleeping pills all the time". I don't even know where he lives, or why he has not tried to contact me again. Oh Allah help me. I am in a dilemma.
-Sab86
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Sister,
don't take this in the wrong way but what are you doing meeting weird random men from dodgy sites? Please have some self respect. The fact that hes asking you to 'wear nice asian' clothes and meeting him at a hotel- isn't that a big give away of his intentions? Pray to god that the DVD gets lost or breaks inshallah and don't be so foolish again. Respect your body and respect yourself because if you don't then no man on this earth will
Cut him off even if tries to contact you. Give control of your situation to Allah. Don't let him control you. I am sure he will not give any DVDs but trying to trap you in. This will not stop if you keep talking to him even if he shows up later. Also avoid being in situations like this. Your parents will be heartbroken and you would be too if it was your daughter doing this.
OP: We were in the same bed, but Allah is my witness, we never had sex. Although I was there all in front of him, and he was being sexual
He was being sexual with you. By saying "we never had sex" you mean you did not do sexual intercourse (penetration). If both of you took off clothes that is part of sex too.
Did he make a movie with your knowledge? Doing blackmail is usually against law. Save all the emails he sent to you.
Using blackmail I guess he wants to have sex with you. I don't think he wants to marry you. Does he have a resident Visa?
You already had a b/f before marriage, so what was the real reason you wanted to delay sex with your husband.
He always said to me "let's do nikkah, as we meet every week and it's haram", but I kept on saying no.
One day I texted him and said "I am all yours you can touch whatever and I will not say no".
I asked him where to meet, and he told me a hotel. I just said that's fine, and we went to the hotel. We were in the same bed.
I am deeply aggrieved & shocked to read the above statements from OP.
Can any editor or "Saba" guide this misguided Muslimah ?
CURIOUS: I am deeply aggrieved & shocked to read the above statements from OP.
A whole lot of young Muslims secretly date.....may not go all the way.......
not going all the way.......is that some kind of achievement to be proud of, like the OP is making out to be (We were in the same bed, but Allah is my witness, we never had sex). Allah says in the Quran to both men & women to lower their gazes & guard their modesty. It very sad to see a whole lot of young Muslims today disobeying Allah's commands openly or secretly.
May Allah guide us all, Ameen.
Assalaamualaikam
I think there are quite a few issues here.
1. The tape: Is this a tape of the two of you being physically intimate or otherwise inappropriate? If so, did you consent to it being made? If you did not consent, then depending on where you live, he may well have broken the law - if he threatens you with it again, you could then point out that he broke the law by making the tape in the first place, and seek legal advice if it is safe to do so.
2. Blackmailing you: People who resort to this kind of behaviour aren't usually the kind to actually follow through on their threats - their main weapon is to cause you to feel such fear and shame that you do whatever they want. Don't give in to his threats. The fact that he has now backed off and stopped contacting you again suggests he may have given up or be getting tired of this game of his -- so don't let fear of him rule your life. Put him where he belongs - in the past, filed under "unpleasant character: avoid".
3. Moving on from here and making sure it doesn't ever happen again: We cannot control other people's actions or motives, but we can control our own; so, when something bad happens, it's important for us to look at what we may have done or not done to contribute to the situation or make ourselves more vulnerable - this isn't about blaming ourselves, but about taking responsibility for our own actions and making changes.
Think about how your own actions led you to that hotel room, and led you to behave in a sexual way with him - what could you have done differently? A few things that you might want to consider are:
- Using online marriage/dating sites - Were your family involved and helping you vet potential matches? When we are making important decisions such as finding a spouse, it's important for us to seek advice from those close to us.
- Meeting up with a guy without wanting to have a nikah - We should not be meeting non-mahrams alone, period, and when meeting potential spouses it is essential for us to involve our wali. If you weren't looking for a husband, but instead looking for companionship and friendship, could you have done this in a different way; maybe making friends with some sisters at your local mosque, or doing some voluntary/charity work?
- Engaging in private and flirtatious correspondence with a non-mahram guy - Remember that when a non-mahram man and woman are alone together, shaitan is the third party. Avoid temptation - don't text or privately message any non-mahram guys. If you do find yourself needing to be in contact with non-mahram guys (eg. for work), then make sure your messages are strictly work-related, and copy someone else into them so they are not just between you and him. Think about why you might have engaged in this flirting - was it to boost self-esteem, or to reassure yourself that you are desirable? Such flirting won't help in the long-term, as it just feeds into the objectification of women and yourself - your self-worth should never be reliant on what another person thinks of you, but instead should be guided by asking "What will Allah think of me?" - living in accordance with His teachings gives a far deeper sense of self-worth and self-respect.
- Going to a hotel and being sexual with a guy - Islamic limits are there for a reason, and it's important for us to follow them. In yourself, you know that this was inappropriate but at the time, because you'd reached that point by taking little steps away from Islamic limits, the step to actually being in bed with him wasn't such a big one. Shaitan tempts us towards big sins by encouraging us to do little sins on the way, so make sure you are observing limits early on, so he cannot tempt you with thoughts of "is it really so much worse than what's already happened?".
My advice would be to put him and his threats in the past, repent to Allah, and make changes in your life so that this never happens again.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Excellent advice Midnightmoon, Jazak'Allah !
I love the way you look into what her psychological need she was trying to fulfill, when she was carrying on with this flirtatious relationship.
Assalam alaikum Sister,
I will not repeat the excellent advice that Sr. Midnightmoon has given, but I will say that you have evidence against him as you wrote:
I am assuming that he replied in text form in which case you should still have the text to prove that nothing transpired between the two of you. If by chance you have deleted it, your phone company will more than likely have a copy of it. It may be difficult to get a hold of, but not an issue if the authorites are involved since he threatening you.
Do not succumb to his threats. Let's say you did, a person like this would never relent and they would only get worse.
Secondly, Pray to Allah swt - accept that this matter is in the hands of Allah swt. Ask for forgiveness specifically (like after every prayer) and every time this crosses your mind.
In future, never meet a man alone. Involve your wali in your marriage decisions. Protect yourself by following the Islamic guidelines.
Inn shaa Allah, you will overcome this stressful matter--for Allah, it is small to solve.
AsSalaamu Alaikum sister,
You have received excellent advice from others above, MashaAllah.
I pray and hope that he doesn't come back or text you again. However, if he texts you again, text him back and say to him that, you are already confessing and reporting the case, and that your family will forgive you if they know inshaAllah, and the police will also know how to find him if you report him to them inshaAllah. After you tell him that DON''T respond to any of his future texts anymore. Be brave and stay strong at this time and put your fears aside--believe me, he will get lost in reading your mind, which will make him start to be afraid of you and your family and the police. If you keep on responding to him, he could know from your response that you are still afraid of him, and therefore he might find other most fearful ways to get you to submit to his demands.
At this moment, please confess and repent sincerely to Allah, and report the case to Allah--He will forgive you and protect you from him inshaAllah.
I was doing shopping 2 weeks ago and I saw him we came face to face I was shocked he said to me I'am sorry for what I been texting you . I said OK then he said I did love you once but it's finished. If I was not serious about you I would of not got my sister to meet with you. He said he lived a hard life My mother past away when I was young my father is old we don't get on with my cousins, They keep on doing taweez to destroy me and my brother and sister's. There is nothing to stress about because there is no DVD. I would never go to your family and tell them stuff what you told me about them. just pray for me that I die and Allah finishes my soul off I can't take no more. He said he was truly in love with you that was all, Even if I see you again I will act like I don't know you and may Allah always keep you happy and protect you from trouble. His skin colour was changed to pale he looked lost. A week ago I received a letter from him to my address saying Iam in hospital I don't have enough time left just wanted to say sorry for last time please don't hate me do dua for me and my family. he wrote his address on the bottom of letter. I have recently found out he has past away. I had a dream that he looked happy but I feel sad I can remember being with him he was so happy at the time, he use to always buy me gifts when I told him I don't want them. I'am in another dilemma so confused. please give me advice brother's and sister's.
May Allah forgive him and have mercy on him. It is a normal thing to feel sorry for someone who have passed away, even if the person was your enemy. However, if we are not careful with such emotions we could get lost and repeat the same mistake with a trust in the new person. The Devil works that way too.
This is not the time to engage your time in moaning over him, nor thinking of the gifts or the good side of him, but it is the time to repent to Allah sincerely, and then start to adhere to the rules of Allah wholeheartedly.
Have you thought about how Allah is angry with you because you crossed His limits? !
Assalaamualaikam
It is always sad to learn of the passing of a fellow brother or sister in Islam. May Allah have mercy upon him.
Make dua and ask Allah to have mercy on him, and find comfort that we all return to Allah. It's natural to have conflicting emotions about this guy, especially now - allow yourself time and space to feel sad about his passing.
Don't let it overwhelm you or become a lasting depression though. If you feel at risk of this, speak to a bereavement or counselling service or feel free to speak to us online - you can do any of these anonymously - and if you feel able to, you could let your mum know that someone you knew has died (you could just say that it was an acquaintance, or someone you knew through a shared interest) and although you were not close, you are feeling sad about it. That way she can keep an eye out for you.
You and the guy will both be in my duas. May Allah grant you comfort, and have mercy on him.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
He was British born I told him to show me his Birth Certificate and Licence
He passed away?? Wow thats really sad you dont know if he might be in hell fire for what he had done in the hotel room unless he forgave Allah so just pray to Allah to forgive his sins and repent for what both of you had done together in the hotel room. Why did you go to the hotel room at first? Its like shaitan is inviting you to do something bad.Also sab86 tell me how he died do you know maybe he might have suicide???Maybe...maybe not.:(
OP: I told him I didn't trust him; and he replied that the biggest trust a man can give me is having me in front of him in a hotel bed and not having sex, because what man will not do anything?
But why would a man invite a girl to a hotel room and share a bed with her. According to you he was being sexual but you guys did not "have" sex.
He passed away. What is bothering you now?
Assalaamualaikam
"What is bothering" her is probably that someone with whom she had an intimate connection (however troubled it was) has died. Most people would probably feel at least a little bothered by that.
When asking questions, please try to consider: a) is it actually relevant?; and b) could it be asked more sensitively? Sometimes your questioning style can come across as rather insensitive, so it might be helpful to think about less abrupt ways of asking things if possible. I hope you aren't offended by me saying this, as I do believe from your posts that you are genuine in your desire to help and advise people, inshaAllah.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
He didn't invite me to a Hotel all he said was he want's to see me in Asian clothe's as I use to have my work clothe's on, I said fine I will but I need to change back in my work clothe's, he said I will wait outside service station so I can get changed. I said no and said hotel would be better, When we went there he looked at me and said I looked nice and he would come to my house to ask for my hand because he loves me and cant do this undercover meeting all the time best to be married. it was early morning so he got in to bed as he was feeling tired he had his clothe's on, and when he fall asleep I got in to the bed as-well I didn't feel comfortable so I took mine off. when his eyes open he was then being sexual towards me. that's the truth only.
Sab86: and when he fall asleep I got in to the bed as-well I didn't feel comfortable so I took mine off. when his eyes open he was then being sexual towards me. that's the truth only.
Thanks for clarification......wish you best
Sister I read your story plus all the Comment's, First of all I think he was serious about you, He did make a point were he said what man would not do anything in bed. Its your fault to jump in bed with him if he was tired let him sleep. relation like this is haram you know that you mentioned his sister meet you so he was genuine I think. Now that he has past away my advice is forget about him and move on life carry's on we can't die or hold ourselves with the one who are not here today. just pray to Allah forgive him and forget him like a dream. time is the biggest cure Inshallah everything will be just fine. next time dont make this again if someone like you they can ask for your hand if you are happy thats good if not then you khow what to say. Jazak Allah
Are u sure he died? I am sorry to soind so insensitive but I once had a guy claim he was dying of brain tumour so I would agree to go out with him. He had his friends all testify but alhumdulillah ALLAH. Has saved me from things like this.
Sab86,
Think you need to have more self respect. You swearing that you didn't have sex does not change the fact that you were taking your clothes off and jumping into bed with him?? Also he asked to wait outside a service station but u insisted on a hotel. Your not naive and neither are you as innocent as your trying to make out? From what your saying all the enticing was done by you another example is the random text of him being allowed to touch you? I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but to make you realise that you need to question your actions before pointing the finger. You gave him too many opportunities to take advantage and purposefully made yourself vulnerable to him. To be honest the guy sounds half decent anyone else in his position would have used and abused and this would have been a completely different story. Point being you can only protect yourself and that's by being on guard and not putting yourself in vulnerable positions. Obviously the guy was wrong when he blackmailed but he didn't seem like a bad guy. Allah knows best
Ayesha: To be honest the guy sounds half decent anyone else in his position would have used and abused and this would have been a completely different story.
Both of them seem to be desperate to get laid. Guy knowingly went to a hotel room to meet a girl. Why a guy will fall asleep when a willing girl is with him alone in a motel room? When he wakes up and finds a naked girl, he does nothing. Does not sound like normal too me.