Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband keeps divorcing me and then taking me back

Assalaamualaikum, Verbal abuse, heart break, calling names

I have been married for 5 years and I am a second wife. I am a revert and I married out of love. Over the last few years I have grown to hate my husband because of the way he acts. I usually don’t tell him how I feel because I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it has gotten really bad to the point where I am so depressed every day just over the things he says to me and his tone of voice with me. I find myself not able to work a lot of days because I'm too depressed and can't stop crying all day.

He is unemployed so I have to work to support myself completely. I get no financial help from him, only once in a while a few hundred dollars which isn’t much compared to how much I pay. To me, I am ok with not getting financial help from him but I need emotional support. That’s all I want.

I am at a breaking point where I honestly just cant wait for Allah to take my life because every day here in this dunya is too much pain for me to handle. He says mean things about me and everyone else and he doesn't realize those things he says can be hurtful. He is a good person with a good heart but he has a negative attitude in my opinion and he doesn’t realize that. I admit that I am a sensitive person but I feel like islamicly, its never O.K. to call someone "stupid" or any other degrading phrase.

When I start crying because of something he says he gets mad at me, tells me more insults and ignores me. He will constantly ignore me while I'm talking to him and it makes me feel really alone and unvalued. He has also divorced me on the spot several times and blocked my number, but then he will apologize and take me back the next day. He constantly complains that I don’t do anything right and it's hard for me because I'm really trying my best. I always try and be supportive of him and nice to him but he even gets mad at me for being to supportive. He tells me I need to be harsh like him but that goes against my nature, I cant be like that.

I do love him still but its hard for me to be in this relationship. I have tried telling him when he says something hurtful and kindly asking him to be nicer but he doesn't listen. The other day, I told him I want a divorce. The first day he divorced me and, like always, later that day he called me and took me back but for the first time in my life I didn’t accept. We are still married though.

He asked for sex last night and I refused him mostly because I had to get up early for work and it was already 1 am but also because I cant go through this again. If I take him back now he will just be mean again in a day or 2 because this is how it always happens. I can't get hurt like this anymore. Please trust me when I say I am past my breaking point of pain. I have given him so many chances and it never changes. I also feel really bad though because the pain he is going through now is the same pain he put me through so many times and I know how hard it is. I wouldn’t wish that pain on any human being ever.

I know this question got very long but please, please advise me. I first off want to know if I'm a horrible person for not taking him back now that he is saying he's sorry and also if I will be cursed by the angels for refusing sex last night. I just want to please Allah and also be happy. I don’t want to be depressed anymore because of negative things someone close to me says. Please help me and may Allah bless your soul whoever reads this and give you a happy family and a happy life full of blessings.

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14 Responses »

  1. You need to dump this loser like yesterday! What are you waiting for?

    He is failing you in his responsibilities as a husband to take care of you and you have said you have given him enough chances only for him to go back to his old ways.

    He is driving you suicidal and you can't as a muslim commit suicide so you need to leave him for your sake, that's the way to prevent suicide.

    Don't let him fool you with nonsense hadith about the angels cursing you for denying him sex. You can bet that was made up by a husband just like him and the prophet never ever heard of it never mind saying it. A lot of hadiths like that are made up nonsense just like the Talmud.

    Leave this loser right now and find someone who will make you happy - people like him never change - you already know that.

    How is Allah supposed to help you if you won't remove the source of your distress which is in your power to do?

  2. If he have divorced 3 times that mean you are divorced islamically doesn’t matter if he says sorry and take you back. If you are still having Sex that mean you are committing zina

    • Please don't give fake information. God obviously knew about these immature emotionally unstable people would miss you hence why he set conditions. Like it has to be said 3x, it has to be spread out, and it has to be consecutive

      • Sorry brother Ahmed, but you are the one giving ¨fake information¨. Pronouncing divorce 3 times at once is not a sunnah and in fact the practice was cursed by the Prophet (sws). Not sure what you mean by spread out and consecutive.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Bro,

        How can an event or occurrence be both "spread out" and "consecutive" at the same time?

        Please do elaborate,

        Nor

        • Nor: How can an event or occurrence be both "spread out" and "consecutive" at the same time?

          By consecutive....may mean Man says divorce once and later makes it up and cancels, so the counting starts from one again............

          I wonder if the man got his citizenship by using this woman. Where is his first wife?

  3. Dear sister

    Just leave him you don’t need this idiot in your life. It’s better to be alone then living with a loser.
    Once he is out of your life you see and feel the difference inshaAllah.

  4. What’s the use of being married if he doesn’t make you happy and he doesn’t take care of you? If it is financially or emotionally, he needs to step up. And obvious he didn’t.

    I read a lot of questions from reverts and saying they’re second wives. I wonder why that is.
    Be more confident and divorce this man.
    You say you love him but how can you if he is constantly doing you wrong. I don’t think this is love. I think it is some kind of mental illness you are suffering from.
    Sister, you need a man who stands by your side and supports you in any way.
    It’s not allowed to stay with him if he divorced you more than three times.
    If you want to be a modest and good Muslim you should get yourself together and know what rights Allah gave you.
    Take care, hopefully it will all turn out for the best.

  5. Sister, go to your local mosque and ask Imam about the divorce issue first..

    That's very critical, coz if divorce has been take place then if you're guys are doing sex that has written in Zina. Resolve this issue first.

  6. Okay, wow...I have so many comments and questions...

    1) Do you and your husband know that polygamy isn't halal for your husband to practice if your husband cannot financially support all of his wives? Polygamy is only an Islamic right for men that actually have jobs and the financial means to support more than one family. Otherwise, polygamy is haram. Your husband has no job and therefore no money...what is he doing marrying more than one wife? It's haram!

    2) In extension to 1)...why the HELL did you marry a man that not only already has a wife, but also doesn't have a job? You say you only want love from your husband, but he's not even giving you THAT basic thing. So what is the actual point of him and being married to him? An old potato that is growing sprouts is more useful than your husband - at least you can cut the sprouts off of the potato and still cook it and eat it...what does your husband do? He's unemployed, has no money, already has another wife and possibly children...his personality sucks, and he shows no affection. You got yourself a treasure right there, lol.

    3) You sound to me like a person that has very low self-esteem. I say that, because you seem
    a) to be really helpless and passive.
    You give your husband way, way, waaay too much power. For a man that's utterly pointless, he doesn't deserve ANY power at all. Why do you accept that he keeps threatening you with divorce? And worse yet, why do you allow him to "take you back", as you put it? Why is it even about him "taking you back"? Don't say he "takes you back" - say YOU took HIM back. Because he's clearly out of his league by several miles. I will give it to him, though; He actually has the nerve - as an unemployed bum that has two wives he can't even look after, all while being a scumbag of a person - to throw divorce threats around like free candy, then make his wife feel like she's the lucky one when he decides to "take her back", lol. What a manipulative little weasel your husband is. I have never met the man, but he actually makes me want to vomit in my own mouth.

    b) to have really low standards
    If you cared about yourself even just a little bit, you would expect more from the people around you. You shouldn't just expect love from a man, or anybody, you should expect of people to step up, take responsibility, treat you right and support you. And you should apply consequences if people not live up to your expectations.You did a good thing in asking your husband for a divorce...you actually took a stance for once and stood up for yourself. Only to then, sadly, totally let yourself down by letting yourself being "taken back" by your husband. Again. This was your chance to finally get some respect out of your husband...but you bowed down and gave him back the power of you. Again. Really bad move, lady.

    4) You write this:
    I am at a breaking point where I honestly just cant wait for Allah to take my life because every day here in this dunya is too much pain for me to handle
    So don't handle it? Who is putting a kalashnikov to your head and forcing you to stay with this man? Only yourself. It's not Allah that is doing anything to you...you're shaping your own life here with the choices you make. or rather, the choices yuo let your husband make for you. you leave it up to him entirely whether or not you're staying married or divorced. It's ridiculous. Take control of your life! Instead of yearning for death, why not just get out of this terrible marriage? Your husband is the problem...what do normal people do when they have a problem? They solve it. They get rid of it. So...get rid of your husband, lol. Problem solved.

    5) You write:
    He asked for sex last night and I refused him mostly because...
    You don't need to justify your choice to us or to your husband. The fact that he doesn't behave like a husband whatsoever is an obvious enough reason for anyone sane as to why he shouldn't enjoy the perks of a husband. Also, as a woman...there's nothing less arousing than spreading your legs to a man like your husband. Honestly, if my husband was like your's, I would have zero respect for him and no attraction to him...if he'd touch me, I'd feel utterly disgusted. As if a slimy tapeworm is touching me. Most women are attracted to strong and emotionally mature men...your husband is only defined as a man by his genitals, nothing else. It's like when you can say you passed an exam just because you didn't get an F. He just about passes as a man, lol.

    6) You write:
    He is a good person with a good heart but...
    When you follow a statement with a 'but', the statement itself is usually invalidated. A person does not have a good heart if they take on more wives than they can afford. A person doesn't have a good heart if their spouse is unhappy and wishes for death. A person is not good-hearted if they ignore what their spouse is saying - nor if they threaten with divorce constantly, block their number and whatnot. A person is not good-hearted if they call their spouse names - that's verbal abuse, and not something a good-hearted person would resort to. Stop defending your husband and his behaviour. You're in so much denial, it's unbelievable. You need to wake up and face reality: Your husband is a mess. And he does NOT have a good heart!

    7) You write:
    He tells me I need to be harsh like him
    He's got a point. You need to grow a backbone. This statement of his tells me he has zero respect for you. He sees you as weak and treats you like the weakling he sees you as. He clearly is the type of person that wants and needs a woman that will put him in his place...he's literally telling you that he wants and needs a woman that can keep up with his "strong" (I use this word very loosely in his case - because I don't see him a as strong person as much as I see him as a bully).

    ...but that goes against my nature, I cant be like that.
    You are mistaking low self-esteem for nature. You are not a confident person, so it doesn't feel natural to you to be "harsh". You sound very defeating..."I can't be like that" - why? And how do you know? You haven't tried to be "harsh". You kind of did when you had the ovaries to finally ask for a divorce...but you didn't follow through with your decision. You, again, let it be up to your husband to "take you back". Listen, aside from your idiot husband, no one is telling you to be harsh...harsh people suck, in fact. I might be very blunt, but I'm not a harsh person and I wouldn't want to be, either. But every human being needs to love themselves and be their own best friend, lawyer, carer, etc. Because you need yourself in situations like your's, when people mistreat you and take advantage of you. You HAVE to learn to be confident enough to say "I will NOT tolerate this kind of behaviour!" - and actually not tolerate it. You're not doing that right now, and you CAN learn how to do it - stop telling yourself that you can't do things. "Can't cope with my husband", "can't cope with life, I wait for death", "I can't change, it's not my nature to be different". Stop this nonsense right now. Cheerlead yourself a bit more, please. have some faith in yourself. You just need to get rid of toxic people like your husband, who will always drag you down and keep you in the gutter, and you'll be surprised to see how much you CAN. Already now, you're the one who's working and supporting your household...not your husband. See, you CAN do things :). You know what else you can do? You can get some professional help in developing yourself...see a therapist that will help you build some confidence and character. There's no shame in doing that :). But you need to do something to change...and you need to believe that your nature isn't weak. Human beings are biologically wired to be strong, because in nature, every human being instinctively wants to survive. I just saw a video on Youtube about a man (Harrison Okene) who worked on a tugboat that sank into the ocean back in april, I think...miraculously, he survived for almost 3 days at the bottom of the ocean, because of some air pockets in the boat. Who could imagine surviving such an ordeal? Imagine being alive on a sunken boat at the bottom of the ocean, with no reassurance that you'll be found / rescued. What choice do you have? You either die of shock, or you go into survival mode. This man was strong, prayed and held up for 3 days in a very humanely unnatural environment. The same goes for you: Don't say you can't do something. Go into survival mode like Harrison :). See where that takes you...surely not to a worse place, because it sounds like you're already in a Hell-like place in your life :).

    As for your questions:
    first off want to know if I'm a horrible person for not taking him back now that he is saying he's sorry
    First of all, you need to understand the basic rules of the concept of apologies and apologising. Apologies and the act of apologising are meaningless if they aren't complemented or backed up by a behaviour change in the person who's giving an apology or apologising. It's very easy to utter words...words are empty in and of themselves, they only have meaning when they are attached to an object, subject, idea, concept, act and so on. If I mentioned the word nimawqzx...would you know what I'm talking about? Probably not. But if I told you nimawqzx and pointed at a dog...you would probably understand that nimawqzx means dog, right? So...let's apply the same idea to apologies. Your husband apologises, but shows no remorse. So...his apologies are meaningless. Just like the word nimawqzx was meaningless to you (until I pointed at the dog). An apology is meaningful when the person apologising shows remorse. Changes their behaviour. Otherwise, you should consider apologies as useless as the word nimawqzx.

    Secondly, no, you're not a horrible person. Quite the contrary: You're way too nice. I mean, it's not nice to marry someone else's husband (not that your husband is anything to be upset about sharing with anyone - in his first wife's shoes, I'd gladly share him with 100 women if that meant he'd be less around me), but you're tolerating too much from your husband. So no, you're not a horrible person.

    if I will be cursed by the angels for refusing sex last night.
    Listen, I personally think this whole angel cursing thing is more of a symbolic or figurative way of underlining the importance of maintaining a healthy sexual relationship in a marriage than it's meant to be understood literally + applied to ANY situation and circumstance where sex is refused. How is it for instance fair for a woman to get cursed by angels because she is reluctant to have sex with her husband that is abusive and irresponsible? Doesn't make sense. I believe this angel cursing idea applies to women that deny their husbands sex for no other reason than to be cruel, demeaning and / or controlling. That's totally different from not having sex with your husband because he's an asshole, lol.

    I just want to please Allah
    Then stop wishing for death - Allah isn't pleased with people that don't trust Him to impose death on them when it's the right time for them to go in HIS optics. Nor is Allah pleased with people that show no gratitude for being alive. Life is actually beautiful - if you don't have a lousy husband :). But the good thing about lousy husbands is that you can get rid of them. In fact, Allah permitted divorce so that no one has to suffer in a bad marriage. Would Allah allow something if He did not think it's for the best?

    and also be happy. I don’t want to be depressed anymore because of negative things someone close to me says.
    So don't be. You need to learn to choose a better company. Neither my husband or my family or friends would ever talk to me and treat me the way your husband does. I had one "friend" that started treating me like shit, and guess what? She's out of my life. I personally don't have a tolerance for people that don't add something positive to my life...neither should you.

    Please help me and may Allah bless your soul whoever reads this and give you a happy family and a happy life full of blessings.
    Thank you, same to you. But you don't need anyone to help you, you need to help yourself. I have written this long ass reply to you, but it's not going to make one ounce of a difference to you. What's going to help you is your own decisions :).

    • Assalaamualaykum Lindita,

      Very well-rounded answer Masha Allah. I just want to make one correction, if I may:

      You write:

      "Quite the contrary: You're way too nice. I mean, it's not nice to marry someone else's husband..."

      It is not "un-nice" to marry someone else's husband if it is done legally. It is completely within the bounds of Islam and permissible if the husband is able to support both wives financially and emotionally, a condition you describe very well early in your post.

      Rather, the situation becomes a vehicle for personal growth for both wives. They learn to control attributes such as jealousy, envy, and hatred, and it becomes a means for them to develop their character and humility. It also strengthens their knowledge of how truly dependant we are on Allah. Nothing here on earth belongs to "only me" in the end...only Allah. If done properly and according to the guidelines, the two wives Inshallah also become good friends with each other...in part because they share a common love: their husband.

      The problem arises only when bigamy is done haphazardly without any regard for Islamic limits and guidelines and with emphasis only on what the man is getting out of it. Wives are estranged from each other as if the other didn't exist, and so on...

      Great post otherwise,

      Nor

      • Wa aleykum salam 🙂
        I don't have a positive view of polygamy whatsoever, so you're not going to convince me that there's anything nice and good about it, or the people that get involved in it. Women that marry other women's husbands are douchebags, and so are the men that practice it. It's also illegal in most Western countries to practice polygamy, and as Muslims we are obliged to follow the laws of the countries we live in. It sounds to me like OP lives in America...to my understanding, polygamy is illegal there.

        • LOL, you hypocrite, Lindita, enough now.

        • And sorry to say, but you also have a very unrealistic and naive perspective on the relationship and dynamics between women. Women are generally incredibly competitive with one another, particularly when it comes to men's attention. Women are NOT going to be friends with their husband's other wives, they are going to absolutely hate their guts, blame them for destroying their and their children's life and see these additional wives as the root for all their pain, that one would naturally feel about sharing their partner's attention and love.

          You say no one truly belongs to anybody, so this should also apply the opposite direction - men also do not own women, right? So women should be able to take on more than one husband as well. And the husband should be friends with his wife's other husbands, learn to not be jealous and whatnot :).

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