I think my husband is being unfaithful
I overheard my husband having a secret conversation - but he denies it
My husband has been very protective about his mobile phone, recently. I overheard him have an intimate conversation with someone. I confronted him and he insists that he is not having an affair but that I misheard him and actually he was having a conversation with his brother.
I know what I heard but I have no other evidence as he will not let me near his two mobile phone.
Please advise.
- sister atiya
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Salaam,
If he denies categorically he hasn't done anything wrong and you don't believe him, then you're in the wrong.
However someone hiding their phone from their wife, which rarely happens if the man is innocent, then you know something fishy is going on.
Ask him to show his phone, ask him straight up who he's having these intimate conversations with and perhaps then you'll get the truth. If he's lying and he is having an affair, even if it's not sexual, I would consider throwing him out.
They say we should be forgiving, but honestly I'm so sick of reading the same problems over and over. I came online for some genuine advice about a halal engagement I'm going into shortly, I have not spoken to the girl or been alone with her and needed one question answered by a brother or sister, yet whilst here, I have read some of the most disgusting and vile stories from so many people, some who have suffered, some who have made others suffer.
I have had enough, reading all these vile stories puts me in a bad mood and I am not the happy person I was 3 weeks ago and it's only because of reading these stories.
I wish Brother Wael and SisterZ all the best in helping people and running this site.
May Allah bless you Allah in this life and the next, May he keep us from the rejected Shaytaan. Ameen.
salam sister speak to your husband , communication is key to sorting ur problem out. just ask your husband what the truth is. dnt get angry or shout just conversate with each other. wish u the best
Mohammed,
Just as you came here for some genuine advice, so have all the other writers. This is life, sometimes crap happens and sometimes good stuff happens. Life is a test. Reading these stories can be stressful, but at the same time I feel grateful to Allah that may be something I say may help our brothers and sisters. If everyone turned around and said that these stories were disgusting and vile, who would these people turn to for advice?
You don't have to read these issues if they are having a negative affect on you. InshaAllah when your question is answered, you will probably recieve an automatic notification by email. Anyhow, hope you're not so stressed out now.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Quite right
anyways; when you visit a hospital; you certainly don't expect a homely situation. Its filled with patients; scents of medicines.etc.
similarly for this site
Good analogy.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear brother Mohammed, As-salamu alaykum. It sounds like you had an unrealistically rosy view of Muslim people and relationships in general. I want to point out three things:
1. Human beings make mistakes. Human beings commit sins. Human beings do foolish things. Human beings act badly sometimes. Human beings are unfaithful sometimes. Human beings hurt each other sometimes. That's a part of life.
2. Muslims are human beings.
3. When these bad things happen, people need somewhere to go for help, advice and guidance. This website is one of those places. This site fulfills an important role Insha'Allah. Instead of despising these people who find themselves in difficult situations, we try to guide them. When the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was preaching in Makkah, he did not stand up and say, "You people are disgusting, your lives are sinful, you make me sick." No. He called them to the truth.
It's true that most of the people on this website are Muslims already, but maybe they lack Islamic education, or they are weak, or they made mistakes. It's not our place to condemn them. That will only drive them further away from the correct path and make them feel that Islam is harsh and mean.
I too get frustrated sometimes of hearing the same complaint over and over again. When I notice myself getting frustrated I take a break and don't answer any questions for a few days, because that's not the proper state of mind to bring to this work.
Maybe instead of leaving this website, you could try waiting until your bad mood passes before commenting.
You do not have to approve of the acts that other people do to be able to give kind and helpful advice.
Let's look to the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) as our example. Allah said to him in the Quran, 3:159:
"So by mercy from Allah , [O Muúammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]."
The Prophet (pbuh) was the most kind and gentle man, even with the disbelievers, some of whom were hardened opponents to Islam.
Do you know the story of the time when the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) and some sahaba were sitting in the masjid, and a bedouin man came and urinated in a corner of the masjid? The sahaba were quite outraged and a few of them wanted to grab the man and beat him. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, "No, let him finish." When the man was done the Messenger (pbuh) went to him and explained kindly that the masjid is not the place for such things, then poured a bucket of water over the urine.
He did not say to the man, "You are disgusting! What's the matter with you? Are you stupid?" No. He spoke to the man gently and calmly, and in doing so he made a new ally, as the man was quite grateful to him for teaching him. The bedouin was not stupid or perverted, he was simply not educated in city ways. He was a man of the desert, used to urinating wherever he wished, as long as he stood away from people. The Prophet (pbuh) understood this.
Let's take him as our example. Our mission here to educate people with kindness so that they can be guided to the right way. Maybe our words will have an effect, maybe not, but if we save the life of even one person, what is that worth? It is worth all the wealth in the world, and more.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael,
You explained all that so well Maash'Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mashallah, excellent response. There is one hadith in which the Messenger of Allah said:
“If you did not commit any sins, Allah Almighty would destroy all of you and create a nation that would commit sins and then seek His forgiveness. (Muslim, Tawbah, 9, 10, 11)"
Of course this hadith does not encourage us to commit sins, but it rather gives hope to those who lose hope of the mercy of Allah. Allah first created angels, who only worships Him. They were given reason, but no desire. Then Allah created animals who were given only desires, but no reason. Finally, Allah wanted to bring in to existence a creation who will possess both reason and desires. Allah said in Surah Ahzaab:
Indeed, we offered the Trust to the heavens and the earth and the mountains, and they declined to bear it and feared it; but man [undertook to] bear it. Indeed, he was unjust and ignorant. [33:72]
Now, I am not a Tafseer expert by any means, but my reflection of this verse tells me that the word trust here probably meant taking desires and reason together. Indeed, it was a challenging covenant to take from Allah, but we humans took it. Because, as Allah said, we humans are rash, arrogant, and foolish. If humans are not foolish, why everyday people die climbing mountains, going to space, and doing other totally meaningless adventurous tasks?
Now, since we have both reason and desire, it is only natural that there will be a constant fight between the reason and the desire. Consequently, it is also natural that sometimes the desire will win, sometimes the reason will win. Allah beautifully described this human psychology in Surah Al-Maarij:
Verily, man was created very impatient;
Irritable (discontented) when evil touches him;
And niggardly when good touches him;
Except those devoted to Salat [70:19-22]
Now, if the reason gets defeated continuously, does that mean it is an end to the world? If the answer were YES, then Allah would have destroyed this earth and this universe long time ago. But Allah is the Most Merciful, and because of His Mercy, defeat of the reason is not an to the world. Sin is disgusting, but that is not the end of the world. That is why Allah, out of His mercy, sent messenger after messenger, revelation after revelation. That is why repentance is so beloved to Allah. Some Quranic verses and hadiths in support of repentance are given below:
Allah forgiveth not (the sin of) joining other gods with Him; but He forgiveth whom He pleaseth other sins than this. [4: 116].
O ye who believe! Turn to Allah with sincere repentance: in the hope that your Lord will remove from you your evil deeds and admit you to Gardens beneath which Rivers flow. [66: 8]
All mankind is sinful, and the best amongst them is one who repents. [Ibn Majah, Zuhd, 30]
salam brother mohammed. i think everyone out there has different sorts of problems. some hav small problems some big. hope everyone are on the guided path and may we all avoid the path that leads us to go astray.
im in the same boat ive got a possible halal marriage proposal too jus waiting for admin to post it so i can get some adivice. very stressing indeed.
Salam,
I found this site while searching for my own marital issue and found your article and felt that I should reply. I did have doubts with my husband carrying his mobile phone protectively as he did around the house, next to him whilst asleep. Also I had noticed him carrying out long conversations in the car, whilst parked infront of the house. My instinct told me something was going on.
It took one chance event, his mobile phone was next to me while he was out of the room, and he received a message. I was able to read all the subsequent conversations on the phone, and it turned out that he indeed was having an "emotional affair". He actually denied it when I confronted him (because he had already deleted the message and didn't think I had seen it). It just so happened to be that it was Ramadan, and I told him that he couldn't lie to me during this holy month. Then he did admit to it. No physical affair, but just as bad in my mind.
The point it, go with your instinct. If you feel there has been a change in his behaviour, especially with regards to his phone conversations, then do something about making him admit to it. I don't know how your relationship with him is, but you need to find some way that makes him confess.
I don't know about the advice on leaving him immediately if so, I didn't leave my husband because of that, but I still haven't worked things out within myself yet, in terms of trust issues, even though he regrets it deeply and has promised never to do it again. Having children makes this decision so much more difficult, so take your time and talk to close family. Seek help if you can from professional people, I think I need to do that now because I obviously haven't entirely gotten over it internally.
All the Best.
yes those of us stuck with children have to think differently. we might have to sacrifice for the children if he is a good father, and a good example to the kids.
but those without kids, please try to use your head and not your lust/love stories. if you don't have kids, you have a chance of happiness with another person if this person doesn't change or repent.
Hey Mohammad,
don't go! I think you give great advice!