I wish to marry a man with whom I had a premarital relationship, but my parents won’t allow it because I am more educated than he is.
I am a muslim girl aged 20 years. For the past 5 years, I have had a relationship with a boy who is 25 years old. We went very far until I became pregnant, and I had an abortion. After the abortion, we both repented to Allah and since the last 6 months we have stopped this sinful act.
He wants to marry me but does not have a good job; he is a vehicle painter while I am a university student. He talked to my parents earlier and they rejected him because they say that he is not of the same status as me.
What should I do? Should I try to convince my parents or forget about him? The fact that I am not a virgin haunts me because if I marry another man I will have to prove myself as virgin, otherwise I will be divorced and put to shame. I love my parents but love this man as well.
I am praying that Allah show me what to do but I have failed to make a decision. My parents are starting to look for a man for me. I am worried.
Please advise me.
Jazak Allah khair.
- Noor786
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Salaams,
There may be more to your parents decision than just the difference in your education. Even if that were the sole reason they are suggesting you look elsewhere, they may be saying this based on wisdom. It's one thing to care about someone who is just from a different socio-economic level, but there is another aspect to that which we don't sometimes see because of emotion. Sometimes (and I'm not saying this is always the case) a man is "poorer" because he is not adequately motivated to earn his own keep. It may be that your parents are concerned that this young man has attributes of laziness or shiftlessness that would prevent him from adequately providing for you as you deserve. I'm sure they don't want to blindly send you off into a marriage where you will be the one ending up taking care of him. They may have other concerns about his character as well due to the previous sinfulness the two of you engaged in. Can you blame a parent for wanting a man to protect your daughter from sin, even if she was the one who wanted it? Maybe they have misgivings about him because he didn't do that in your case. Either way, you should sit down and talk with an open mind about why your parents feel as they do, and find out what they really want for you. If your heart is set on this person, maybe there are things he can do to "prove himself" to your parents satisfaction. Would it help them if he got a better job or enrolled in school? Perhaps if he starts doing volunteer work with the local masjid and helps the community?
Don't get stuck in the mindset of "if I can't have HIM, no one will have me!" That's simply not true. If it ends up that your parents are going to stay firm in their position, then you should be open to meeting other men they are more comfortable with. Lying about being a virgin is not the answer, because unfortunately a lot of young men and women are not virgins when they marry. The right man will accept you for you, and ideally not even ask or care what your previous sexual history is. Whether you believe it or not, there are plenty of men who will judge you on your character as it is now and don't require a virgin to marry.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
because unfortunately a lot of young men and women are not virgins when they marry. . and how do you know that . such an utter generalisation coming from an editor of an islamic website.
Salaams,
I'm sorry you interpreted that statement negatively. Even if only 1% of people who married are virgins, it doesnt mean the other 99% are bad people strictly because they aren't virgins. There are people marrying for the 2nd or 3rd time, so naturally they won't be virgins. Neither will be the unfortunate victims of certain sex crimes. This doesn't mean a non-virgin spouse will make a less suitable partner or has poor character.
As far as determining statistics about people who are sexually active before marriage, those usually aren't very difficult to find....and they usually show that a significant number of people are not entering marriage as virgins. Not saying I am glad about that personally, I'm just saying it's a fact of our times. What kind of Editor would one be if they skew the data to make it more palatable?
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
A.A
I'm sorry you interpreted that statement negatively. Even if only 1% of people who married are virgins, it doesnt mean the other 99% are bad people strictly because they aren't virgins. There are people marrying for the 2nd or 3rd time, so naturally they won't be virgins. Neither will be the unfortunate victims of certain sex crimes. This doesn't mean a non-virgin spouse will make a less suitable partner or has poor character.
As far as determining statistics about people who are sexually active before marriage, those usually aren't very difficult to find....and they usually show that a significant number of people are not entering marriage as virgins. Not saying I am glad about that personally, I'm just saying it's a fact of our times. What kind of Editor would one be if they skew the data to make it more palatable?
This is so so wrong . This may be true among the people of the west . I think muslims living in muslim countries have very very low rate of pre-marital sex . I think ,hardly 5 % . Muslim countries in the east are conservative and it is really hard to commit these sins in those areas of the world . It is certainly not true that most young men and women are not virgins when they marry for the first time .
Also , if premarital sex occurs in those conservative societies , it is only among the elites who have adopted the kuffar lifestyle . Most people are not like what you have portrayed .
Salaams,
I was speaking generally, not about Muslims or non Muslims in particular. It may very well be that a particular country or isolated region has a lower incidence of premarital sex, but clearly this can't be used to speak globally. Since this poster didn't identify where she was or how much that aspect had a role in her post, only a general answer can be given.
The bottom line is still the same regardless, she should not be looked down upon in marriage for having lost her virginity if she has truly repented.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think lala has a point.
Because we live in the West, we tend to forget that things are different for those living in the East. I can't and won't say for sure that more or less people are virgins when getting married in the east however I am quite sure that yes, there is more of that in the east than west; biggest factor being its simply not as easy to commit zinaa in the east as it is in the West, where ur constantly invited to it.
Was salaam
The bottom line is still the same regardless, she should not be looked down upon in marriage for having lost her virginity if she has truly repented.
I doubt that .
salaam alaykum,
Agreed,it is different where people live and one must take into consideration where one lives when commenting on replies.However,we should not loose focus of what the topic is here,.Noor786.
Noor,it is part of shari'ah that you take into great consideration the opinion of your parents.If you have repented of your previous attrocity,the first thing you should do is not go against your parents for Allah does not like this.Prophet Ibrahim alayhissalaam came to visit his son Ishmael alayhissalaam to find his son not home but his wife was.When he left,he told the wife of his son to relay his message to him (Ishmael).Tell him your father says to change your doormat.So when Ishmael came home he asked his wife whohas been here as he smells the presence of his father.His wife said indeed he was here and left him a message which meant change your doormat and she asked what did that mean.Hazrat Ishmael said it means that i should divorce you.So hazrat Ishmael did so.Then hazrat Ishmael married again and the same incident happened where his father came and this time he told his new wife to relay to his son to keep his doormat,so he kept his wife.Unless your parents reasons were not in agreement with shari'ah and you find that they are for dunya reasons, only then you could disagree and try to argue your point with them.However since they are paying for your tuition and if you are living with them, then they as parents still have a huge say so over your feelings whether you like this guy or not.You must as a good muslim obey your parents.If you disagree with a point from them then you may go to your grand parents and appeal to them for your parents must then also obey their parents etc etc.