Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is there a place for us?

Marriages betweent the people of different faiths are becoming a norm.

Hello cousins,

I came across this site and in reading some of the articles, I am encouraged by the warmth, caring, and respect here, and hope someone can kindly lend me some help. I am a Jewish woman and have met a lovely Muslim man through work. We see each other almost every day, and there is something wonderful happening between us. I know he has been considering me deeply as he has broached the subject of conversion. I know this must be serious step because we have never talked about either religion to each other. However, converting is not for me.

All the same, every day I see something else I like in this man, and everyday my feelings growing stronger for him.

My guess is that it is probably more common for Christians than for Jews to marry Muslims, so if it should come up, I hope the Jewish-Muslim dynamic, different to Christian-Muslim, will be remembered in any responses relating to it.

So here are some questions that come to my mind.

1. If Muslims don't date, how do we know we are right for each other?
2. What would be the next step?
3. I understand a Muslim man can marry a woman keeping to her religion and beliefs. But after the marriage, will it truly   be respected? Is it not in every Muslim's deepest heart desire to see a person convert?
4. My independence is extremely important to me, and if I ever marry this man, I would be unhappy if he tried to make me conform to something I'm not. In other words, I would want him to accept me as I am now, for he must already hold me in esteem, and be happy as I am regardless of any change?
5. Under Muslim law, any child would be Muslim, through the father. Jewish law, the child is considered Jewish, through the mother. Will this be respected?
6. Is it possible for us to have a relationship without marriage? A way to circumvent, what I believe you call, "zina"? Is it true your Prophet (PBUH) did not take all his women as his wives but as something else which was also sanctioned?
7a. He even has asked me to go on holiday to France, but I refused. Besides, outside of work, I don't really know the man. But is this allowed with a non-Muslim?
7b. And what does this all mean for the man? Is he sincere?
8. For those who have been in similar situation, are there any other considerations I should know about?

Many Thanks,

Raayhana.


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5 Responses »

  1. Assalam O Alaikum (peace be upon you) Raayhana,
    Thanks for your kind words and trusting us. Insha Allah we will try our best to help you with your current situation. First and foremost, I would say that pre-marital relationships between opposite genders are strictly prohibited no matter whatever the circumstances or situation. Although, Islam don’t prohibit Muslims to work in mixed environments but it strictly commands Muslims to act professionally within the guidelines set by Islam. It doesn’t matter whether the member of opposite gender is Muslim/non-Muslim, male or female.
    Muslim men are allowed to marry women from people of book (Jews and Christians) but it can create problems in marriage especially when children come along. Some scholars don't agree to such marriage for many logical reasons, especially in non-Muslim lands but still such marriage take place. I am sure you understand that when both parents follow the same faith then it’s easier for children to learn and understand and implement the teachings of that faith in their lives. We get plenty of questions especially from non-Muslim (Christian and Jewish) women who married Muslim men who were forced to convert, change their dress code, give up their lifestyle and in some cases leave their parents.
    As being a man, I can see that why he doesn’t want to take that risk because he knows that it will be difficult for his children to learn the basics of religion from the start. In Islam a women’s role is much more than just a wife or biological mother of children; she is the first institute for children. That is the reason we are required to choose a women who is Muslim and of good chracter and practising. This man may be an ideal person (I am sorry to say this but the reality is that many women have fallen for men this way thinking that he is ideal only to see the reality after marriage) to have as husband but believe me religion plays a big role after marriage if not before and we make sure that our kids grow up to be good Muslims and best human beings that they can be.
    Now coming back to your questions, I will try to answer them one by one in ascending order.

    1- Well, we don’t date in the Western sense but ideally a Muslim man or women should get to know each other in halal environment (i-e: in the presence of Wali/chaperon). This is not like dating where they go out, and have pre-marital relationships. This is simply not allowed and Islam strictly prohibits such relationships. Just to let you know that a couple of days ago I was reading a study which concluded that couples who were in pre-marital relationships were more likely to get divorced after marriage. So, their is not guarantee that a marriage will be successful just because both spouses dated each other before marriage.

    2- Well, next step! You should take a step back from this relationship (if it can be classed as a relationship) and think logically that how much you can sacrifice? Are you willing to take this big step knowing that you will have to take almost 180 degree turn even if he agrees to marry you without having to convert. It will come back in future; it’s almost certain. Do you own research and meet couples who are in inter-faith marriages.

    3- The answer to this question is not as simple YES/NO but, reading your post shows that this man will more likely force you to convert after marriage. Yes, their are women who are married to Muslim men and are able to practice their religion but every case is different.

    4- Again, read your post and if you look at your situation logically then all the answers are their besides no one knows this man better than you and you can decide yourself.

    5- I am sorry to tell you that children will always take their father’s religion which in this case is Muslim so, it’s not about respect but something that our religion commands and we MUST follow it without offending anyone or without any if and buts.

    6- Nope, their is no relationship without marriage and it’s not only in Islam but Judaism teachs the same thing. Yes, Zina is strictly forbidden and it’s doesn’t only mean being intimate, their is zina of hands, zina of eyes, zina of tongue, zina of ears, zina of foot etc ect. No, it’s not true; Holy Prophet (PBUH) married all the women in Islamic respectful way and had Nikkah with all of them. That is just made up; all the wives (mothers of believers) of Holy Prophet (PBUH) were lawful wives of Prophet (PBUH).

    7- Again, it’s not lawful for both of you to have any such relationship, going to holidays, being alone, intimate or keep company etc etc. He should know better; I can tell you that he is only after fun or may be if he wants to marry you just for citizenship if he is from a foreign country(it’s quite common if it’s not in your case). Be very careful.

    7b- Well, only Allah (swt) knows what is in someone’s heart; he may be sincere or may be he isn’t but I am sure you will take the right step Insha Allah after assessing the situation peroperly.

    8- Like I said that you should read online, on this forums and others; meet women who are married to Muslim men to help you understand where you stand in all this and how much is at stake.

    Please read following accounts; so that you can decide for yourself. Mind you, their is not difference whether you are Jew or Christian.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wife-christian-conversion-marriage-ready/

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/muslim-christian-marriage-children-religion-ready/

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/forced-to-practice-islam/

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/after-marrying-hits-me/

    I hope this will help you to make right decision Insha Allah.

    Thanks,

    Muhammad1982,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com.

  2. Rayhanna I wish I could go more in depth, but honestly studying a lot of religions in high school and college you will have almost the same mindset going from Judiasm to a Muslim partner or Islam

    1. If Muslims don't date, how do we know we are right for each other?
    If a Muslim man is serious about marriage, he does things in an official way, he goes to your parents, your father your brother and asks them for their presence/permission as he gets to know you better. It also introduces the topic to the family and opens doors and you get to see compatability between the two families. Most of all, it tells you, by the Muslim standard, he is serious.
    2. What would be the next step?
    3. I understand a Muslim man can marry a woman keeping to her religion and beliefs. But after the marriage, will it truly be respected? Is it not in every Muslim's deepest heart desire to see a person convert?
    No you don't convert for, wear hijab for, etc anything else for anyone but GOD. Ignore any other advice, it is cultural and ignorant of Islam. Getting advice about Islam from a potential guy who is already not following the rules is like getting advice about Talmudic law from a 'cultural' Jew who has no idea about their identity.
    4. My independence is extremely important to me, and if I ever marry this man, I would be unhappy if he tried to make me conform to something I'm not. In other words, I would want him to accept me as I am now, for he must already hold me in esteem, and be happy as I am regardless of any change?
    Again your core values is something, whether its modesty or honesty that will stay the same throughout your life. Whether you become Muslim (not sure what your position is on this, but trust me it's not a big leap nor is there a huge conversion process like in Judiasm) or remain Jewish your core values in one God, modesty, chastity, loyalty, etc are the same. As Muslims WE consider David, Abraham ETC as MUSLIMS..they submitted to the ONE God's will (and as someone from Afghan Pakistani descent we trace ourselves back to Bene/Bani Israel (in Arabic)! Look it up on youtube!) Basically, there is a lot of crossover of values and culture.
    5. Under Muslim law, any child would be Muslim, through the father. Jewish law, the child is considered Jewish, through the mother. Will this be respected? This is not always the case with ultra orthodox and orthodox sects, the reason behind this is something you would no more about. For Muslims, I think there is a religious aspect to this and there is also inheritence issues...so the child takes the religion of the father.
    6. Is it possible for us to have a relationship without marriage? A way to circumvent, what I believe you call, "zina"? Is it true your Prophet (PBUH) did not take all his women as his wives but as something else which was also sanctioned? The only relationship between a man and a woman in this case is that of a spouse. Don't listen to anything else he says, BE FIRM, respect yourself because Islam commands respect for a woman. You are not a play thing or something to use for the short term for benefits. There are certain reuqirements for marriage, that includes giving you a dowry/gift, and PUBLICLY announcing his loyalty commitment etc in the form of a marriage to you. Instead of the alternative which is to date/use for benefits/dump without commitment.
    7a. He even has asked me to go on holiday to France, but I refused. Besides, outside of work, I don't really know the man. But is this allowed with a non-Muslim? Does Talmudic law for adultery change for Jews and non-Jews? I don't think so, and it doens't in Sharia either, which would make sense, because Moses PBUH had the same law as Muhammad PBUH!
    7b. And what does this all mean for the man? Is he sincere? I think he's not sincere or sincerely confused haha 🙂 I mean how about ultra orthodox or even conservative jews? Do they take their girlfriends or future spouses on trips one-on-one to Europe? SOmetimes when they confuse love with lust, they do, but there is a standard to follow here (remember if he is seirous he will ask your 'wali') and as a woman it is for your protection and benefit that you measure him up to that standard.
    8. For those who have been in similar situation, are there any other considerations I should know about?

    There is a standard for a Muslim man to a Muslim woman, and him usuing you for carnal or emotional desires fails that standards. Make sure he is serious about a relationship by meeting your family specifically your male kin and make sure (this is a benchmark form my experiences in such realtiosnhips) that he is not a bit apprehensive about letting you meet HIS family!

    Wasalam wa Shalom!

  3. madam, with al due respect, according to your criterior, you marrying this man is will end up in total misery.

    because no sane muslim man would allow his children to follw judaism, so just put this poor fella out of his misery.

    btw, rayhana was a jewish woman at the time of the prphet[saww] muhammad and she also became muslim

  4. Salaams and Walaikum O Assalam

    Thank you for your thoughtful and informative responses. I agree with much that has been pointed out to me. These are indeed major issues to consider.

    One of my main concerns is the feeling this man will become controlling and I'm too wary of this to enter into such a relationship.

    Outside of this, I feel closer to Islam when seeing the similarities we share and standing on common ground.

    Salaam wa Shalom

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