Islamic marriage advice and family advice

It seems impossible to find a good muslim spouse

muslimah

Asalamualakum my dear brothers and sisters

My question arose when I started thinking about how I'm going to get married when I get divorced from the woman I'm with right now...

The majority of muslims get married through their parents, like the parents find someone and they get married like that...but I  am NOT going through my parents again...To those who have read my last post they would know why, to those who have not, here's the last post

She says she loves another man, but comforts my sorrow

It just seems to me that it's impossible to find a good muslim wife because dating is haram, I'm not going through my parents again and their are no real opportunities to meet a good muslim woman that I know of

Now let's define what I mean by a "good wife". what I see as wife material is someone who's on a similar wave length as me when it comes to practicing islam, personality, interests and future goals. Reason I say similar is because no one is exactly the same but life goes better if you do have things in common most importantly how you follow islam. With looks, I honestly couldn't care less since I learned from my 1st wife that a good looking woman doesn't necessarily mean a good woman.

Anyways I just don't see how I'm going to get married again since this time it won't be through my parents...

jazakallah for the information and help

insha allah you all have a wonderful day and life

khudafiz

muhammad711

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15 Responses »

  1. Salaam brother,

    Trust me I know exactly how u feel. I hve found it impossible as well and at times dnt know even if I shud dua for having a gud partner. Time after time, I've had disappointment. I too am divorced but my story is a bit complicated as I have not been able to find the right person for 11 years of being divorced.
    It's even more embarrassing being put on the spot that "I'm surprised you haven't been able to find anyone! Not even one person." Life doesn't revolve around having a partner but we all live in a society that makes all this open and shown to others that you can't help but feel bad 🙁
    At times I want to leave to Allah and be ok with it but then I wonder
    Okay well wut if I am Like this and become so old. I'm
    Already in my late 20's and I feel depressed being alone.

    I hope ppl in this situation including urself find ease and peace of mind with a gud spouse inshallah
    But then ppl like me just wait and wait and get so tired of waiting they just give up. I wish Sumone had answers for me y things are the way they are but I guess I won't understand now? Sumtimes I wanna visit a psychic but it's haraam Becuz I wanna know what will happen. Being this patient makes me so anxious and worried. 🙁

    I hope you find Sumone too plz keep me
    In duas but these days, idk wut to say luck, kismat all play a major role. Tc

  2. Salaams,

    I can't help but think it's a little bit premature to be thinking about your next wife when you're not even divorced yet. What would be wrong with just focusing on your career, hobbies, friendships, religion etc for a little bit before looking to get into a new marriage? Maybe taking some time to get to know yourself will help you find out what you're looking for in a woman, and where you might find her. There's plenty of time for remarriage at your age.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • very true
      maybe instead of looking for a wife I should try to finish up my goals then start looking for a wife.
      only reason I'm so jumpy with the marriage thing is because I feel like if I wait and get my goals done I'll never get married again
      jazakallah for the advice

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    I have read your last post and I assume that you are still married. I agree with Sr. Amy that you need to give this time because you aren't yet divorced and over that relationship. Secondly, you really haven't actually invested some real time in finding a spouse for the reason just mentioned, so your conclusion is rather premature and somewhat immature. You need time right, not hastily rushing into another decision.

  4. as salaam alaikum,

    there is no perfect woman. you should do all you can to remain married to the wife you have now. Do you have children with her? If you do, then you have a permanent lifetime relationship with her because she is the mother of your children. You are sensing that things just might not be better the next time up and you are so right. Your parents were not trying to mess you up. They got you the best girl they could find and you could not make it work. Now you want to go out there randomly and guess at a girl...and your solution is dating. You have it wrong as far as the looking goes. You parents are not supposed to pick for you, but they are supposed to help you look. If you have a good relationship with them, they should have done a good job and you divorcing the one they liked is not good for you. They probably will hate the next one and you couldn't make it work when you had their full support. So I encourage you like I have been encouraged. In my culture, we have a saying: "it's cheaper to keep her." Marriage is not all love and violins. I know people who have been married for almost 60 years. You think a relationship that last that long is about romance? It's about respect and boundaries. There are warm fuzzy moments but mostly there are tough pressures and responsibilities that have to be carried out to take the family to the next day. Allah knows the rewards. But if you overly idealize what marriage really is, you are following a Western path and the smart Western semi-Christian man never marries. He dates, takes advantage of his stupid dates and lives and dies on his own with as few children as possible. The Muslim man takes a wife out of love, but equally because it is Sunnah. In this Sunnah, which is called half our deen, you practice patience and study the Prophet and his wives and try to emulate him. You know that wives and children are big big fitnah, so you work really hard at doing what's right, watch people totally not appreciate you, work hard at doing the right thing, mess up two inches and then hear about it for two months...and then work really hard at doing what's right. So if you want the Muslim approach, go back to your wife, ask her forgiveness and work really hard at making her forget you wanted a divorce in the first place. It won't get easier. It will be harder to find a lasting relationship, especially since you are on a road convincing yourself that there is a door for when you don't like things. It is said there are relationship breakers: adultery, addiction and physical abuse. If you and her have not crossed those lines, then brother the advice they always give me is, find a third party to arbitrate and fix things with the wife you have now....That is the Sunnah. Or you can spend you life as a dating bachelor. But they tell me...DATING IS HARAM.

    • Thankfully I don't have children with her.
      The issue is if it was a small problem with my current wife like romance or love I'd look over it but she has no respect for me, she's in love with another man and she doesn't want to follow simple things in islam like she wants to dance in front of people and other such haram things. Let me ask you something would any man stay in a marriage with this kind of woman? No they most likely will not stay with this kind of woman because these are issues that simply can't be looked over.

      • It's really hard to say brother weather a man can stay with a women like this or not it really varies man to man understand capable to tolerate the situation maybe you don't have kids you can think like that but once you have kids you are stuck because of the kids can't make any decision in a one thought I know one brother his wife has a klaptomania and pathological lying problem he is having patient helping her and praying she will change just because they have kids.

  5. If you are a Canadian citizen, it should be easy for you to find a girl from back home. Finding a girl by dating is as good as an arranged marriage. In western culture people date and sleep together many times and still end up divorced shortly after getting married.

    Divorce rate is getting very high in Saudi Arabia where men are not even allowed to see a girl's face before marrying her. Main reason for divorce in infidelity, in spite of the fact women are required to wear burqa and religious police is there to keep burqa wearing women and men away from each other.

    An arranged marriage can also be marrying a girl who is not your cousin. You may even find a good woman from matrimonial websites.

    • maybe
      jazakallah for the advice

    • What the Saudi police is doing should be done by the boys and the girls parents in the first place. The police is doing it so as not to let the fitnah spread over.

      To OP my advise would be the same as Mr. Greg Abdul gave. Stop blaming ur parents if u could not let ur marriage work. If u had been in our part of the world, u would have been blamed in the first place for not being a man enough to make ur wife happy and control her at the same time. I think there is nothing wrong for ur wife to dance amongst the relatves, although dancing is haram. U should not make a big issue out of it. Be a man and make her realize what she is doing in a haram relationship. Don,t think even for a minute that by leaving her ur responsibilty towards her ends. Never, u can in fact do a Ghaza by first straightening her and making her happy in the bed and earn Jannat for ur self and for her as well.

      If u want to make ur marriage work, then stop thinking about divorce and read the story of our Beloved Prophet Rasool SAW and know how he dealt with and treated his wives.

      May ALLAH SWT guide u to the true path of Islam first and make u realize the importance of ur parents choice. Ameen.

      • Please don't speak like that about a situation you don't know fully. No, a woman is not allowed to dance at weddings and stuff where there are non mahrams. Secondly my parents forced me into the marriage, I had no choice. Thirdly, how do you control a woman who lives on the other side of the planet? You can't. Lastly she's in love with another man, so no I'm not going to waste my life with a woman who doesn't want to follow islam and loves another man. I'm still very young so I have lots of time to find a good muslim woman insha allah.

        My parents even blame themselves for forcing me into a marriage with a woman like her. They say if they knew she was like this they would never have forced me into the marriage.

  6. Salam brother,

    I have read and commented on your first post. I am sorry to hear that your marriage is not working out and you have decided to divorce.

    I think you are planning ahead too early. Wait until you are actually divorced and give yourself time to recover mentally from the marriage. As you said you are still young so nothing to lose by waiting a bit longer!

    I strongly agree with you that its very difficult to find the right spouse when dating is not allowed in Islam.

    But I have heard different opinions about restrictions being lifted when searching for a spouse. Such as you are allowed to look at them to ascertain attraction and you can speak to them to get to know them in a business like manner.

    You can ask them as many questions as you want regarding their life, interests and goals etc etc. You can meet them a few times to get to know them, with a mehrem present. How else will you find out whether they have things in common with you or not?

    Once your ready just ask friends and relatives, or join a matrimonial site.

    May Allah bless you with a happy marriage. 🙂

    • jazakallah for the advice and good prayers sister
      insha allah we will all find happiness in this world and the hereafter

  7. I am a beautiful real cool lady.I had a condition of finding a man for marry.He should be very much handsome and a good person.Again very good person.I could not find him and I decided to marry no one.My secret..God gave me one but he was had he left me. He made fool me.Now after he left me i am the happiest woman of the world believe me.He was my crazy boy friend.i did mistake.

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