Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Love and loss

boyfriend girlfriend

I am in love with a guy who works in the same profession as me. We talked and we got along. I talked to my family about him, but since he is a divorcee my dad wanted to obtain information on him before giving an answer. We continued to talk without my parents knowing about it. Whenever my dad obtains information about him, I will tell him about it. Most of the information my parents obtained was bad. He got angry that people could accuse him of such things. He promised me that he won't leave me.

I did namaaz istikharah, and was sure that it was Allah who sent him to me. But then last week I told him that I think my parents found out we have been meeting and talking. He made an imam do namaaz istikharah, and the imam told him I loved someone before him and he isn't even 10% sure this marriage will work. He then SMS me and told me to give up on him. When I called him he only told me he made the imam do namaz istikharah and it isn't good. So we separated.

He then called me back a few days after. It is only then that he mentioned what the imam told him about me being in love with someone before. I was angry at him for leaving me and for saying this. I was honest and told him everything about me. I might have been rude to him. I never fell in love with anyone before him. I can't understand why the imam lied to him. The imam doesn't live in my country, and he doesn't know me at all.

My family is against this marriage, but I love him and I am having great difficulty moving on. I have faith in Allah, and I'm praying for Him to show me the way forward. I pray to Allah that if it was meant to be then for Him to ease our path, and if it wasn't meant to be for Him to heal our pain. I can feel his pain even if we are not together, and I don't see him or talk to him anymore. I love him and feel like crying. My family doesn't understand my love for him. I am desperate and don't know what to do anymore.

We get along so well. Our only problems were the bad information my family was getting, and also my family not liking him. Please pray for me and send me your advice.



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5 Responses »

  1. Asalamaoalaikum sister,

    It seems as if your istikhara is showing you signs but you are not willing to pick up on them. Things were going “fine” between you both while no one knew about the situation. Even when your parents found out it seems as if they were willing to accept him but they wanted to ensure he was suitable for you. After doing a background check, they have become weary about you getting married to this man. You’ve also done istikhara and suddenly more issues are coming up where this guy has cut contact with you (and now is attempting to resume it again). Basically, things have been quite messy and unstable.

    To me things seems quite clear, this man doesn’t sound quite right for you. When your parents did a background check, positive things weren’t said. Those things may be true or false but if the majority of people have something negative to say about this man then I think there may be some truth in what is being said. I highly suggest you listen to your parents. I know this is easier said than done but you need to look at the bigger picture here and pick up on the signs.

    -Helping Sister

  2. Dear sister,

    Have you ever seen a person who is so well in convincing people. You just did. Sister please leave the guy immediately and forget about him. It seems the guy is two-faced. Get out of the mess immediately as what "helping sister" said.

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  3. Sister,

    I realize it is hard to be rational when you have strong feelings for someone but no one, and I mean no one is going to care as much for you (not even this guy) as much as your parents. Your parents have spent the last umpteen years raising you and have your best interests at heart hence, your father asking people about him. The whole point in your father asking about him is so you don't end up in some miserable relationship down the road (at least if he can help it). Your parents are against the marriage because they know some things that maybe you don't. Did your father discuss with you his findings? Maybe if you are privy to what he knows, you may be able to look at things with a different perspective.

    May Allah guide you to what is best.


  4. As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,
    You are fortunate that you have a loving father who looked into the background of the person you were interested in marrying. A lot of women do not have this support, or their fathers do not take this role seriously, and they end up getting married to the wrong people. When your father began to obtain negative information about this individual, I believe it was wrong of you to share this information with him. Most people would naturally become defensive at hearing such accusations. Of course, the accusations could be right or wrong, but when you have a lot of negative information coming from multiple sources, I think it is foolish to ignore it.

    The other issue is regarding what this person did with the imam. His behavior shows that he has a poor understanding of some basic things in Islam. It is very concerning that he consulted an imam in this manner, and that it was so easy for him to accuse you of things that were untrue. His superstitious (non-Islamic) beliefs could definitely carry over into your marriage, and you could be accused of even worse things later on. So, when you said the only problem is that your family does not like him, I believe this is incorrect because I am sure you would like to marry someone who can help you grow in your deen and set a good example for your children.

  5. sister only ALLAH know what is best. think his gone for good so thank ALLAH, and move on. don't let your past make your future worse make it batter insALLAH.

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