Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lying, drug-using husband wants me to move to Iraq

Heroin needlei have been married to my husband for 6 years and it has been an awful marriage. He was a failed asylum seeker from Iraq.

he has taken a lot of money from me and been violent towards me including threatening me with knives. He went to prison for 2 years for his violence and was deported. I did not divorce him because he promised me he would not do these things again. I visited him so much and helped him financially.

i went to see him in his country and spent a lot of money and on him and his family, providing the food shopping etc. Even alcohol for him and his uncles and dad as they all drink together. His father does not work but likes to drink with his friends. My husband did not treat me well down there so I left his country.

he returned to my country and sneaked in and began taking drugs with one of his uncles who sells drugs. He caused a lot of trouble and the police arrested him and he was deported again. He had lied to me again and told me he would never make trouble again.

i again believed him and went again to his country he said he would be good to me and I went teaching English in a school and he took my wages from me. I was again doing the family shopping etc. Took gifts for them all. The family sat around me one day and one his cousin told him to ask me for £1500 to borrow, I didn't do it but I told my husband how can you ask me when you know I have spent so much already. And my husband already taken £3000 from me before and not given me back. why did my husband not tell his family no I can't ask her.

i once again returned home telling my husband I would go home and earn some more money as the school I went teaching in only lasted a month. He wanted me to work in another school but I thought  I'm not doing it he will take my wages from me. It felt horrible.

i returned to my country and then my husband tried to leave his country again but was captured in turkey and sent back to Iraq. He now wants me to return there again and get a job teaching. I have still been helping him financially and with clothes etc. He tells me to send more money and when I say no he becomes angry and if I don't go there he is saying he will divorce me and get married to his cousin who is divorced and has plenty of gold and she will spend it all on him.

he just beat up his dad 2 months ago as he wanted his dad to sell his car so he would buy him a bus so he could go to work on the bus so his dad did sell his car and they got him a bus and my husband stopped drinking after beating  his dad and started praying but I think this is just an act to everyone as he still swears at me.

he has never ever done anything for me, not even bought me a gift. he even went in prison in his own country last year for 6 months and his family visited him but I was the one sending him money from here as they had none to give him.

everyone tells me to leave him and never go back but he makes me feel guilty and he has self harmed in the past. I have been apart from him now 8 months and he is very badly threatening to divorce me if I do not return there. He says come back here and work for a bit and then save the money then he can leave his country again.

I need help as I don't want to go back, the family is violent, a few of the family members have been killed by other family members in the last few months. His sister burnt herself to death also 6 months ago. Also he can treat me however he wants in his country.

i have done so much for him and his family, if I leave him will he ever one day appreciate what I did for him, and how do I leave just change my number?

-LJV

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6 Responses »

  1. I can feel your pain living with the victim of drug abuse is like living a life without any daylight. I am in the same boat as you helpless and stuck as I have three kids with him. My husband is not violent towards me but his emotionally giving death to me again and again buy selling my most precious stuff at home. This life is horrible and I pray you come out of this suffocated life.

  2. Salaam Sister,

    I don't know what is still making you think and question this relationship. This is utterly ridiculous and disgusting. You have mentioned not once but numerous times all the haram and bad things he has done to himself. his family, and especially to YOU!! What are you waiting for? Why are you feeling guilty?

    This person is manipulative and he knows you are gullible and will go running back to him. There is nothing to love about him. You have not mentioned one single good thing about him so why are you staying?

    You don't have a kid with him and he is a criminal. You are far better being divorced and single than being with him. Please for your sanity, divorce him! And do not divorce him physically in his country. You need to be safe if you're going to proceed with this.

    If he is going to threaten you and blackmail you that he is going to hurt himself, that is entirely on him. It is not your fault. Please be stronger and have a backbone. He is aware of what he is doing and he knows he cant do that to another woman who has self respect.

    I pray Allah helps you and you make the right choice. The answer seems obvious based on what you wrote. Allah helps an individual but that individual needs to make an effort as well. You are not a puppet. You have your own body,mind, and CHOICES. No one owns you.

    Your brother in Islam.

  3. OP: i went to see him in his country and spent a lot of money and on him and his family, providing the food shopping etc. Even alcohol for him and his uncles and dad as they all drink together. His father does not work but likes to drink with his friends. My husband did not treat me well down there so I left his country.....he returned to my country and sneaked in and began taking drugs with one of his uncles who sells drugs. He caused a lot of trouble and the police arrested him and he was deported again. He had lied to me again and told me he would never make trouble again. I need help as I don't want to go back, the family is violent, a few of the family members have been killed by other family members in the last few months. His sister burnt herself to death also 6 months ago. Also he can treat me however he wants in his country.

    You are being used for money and sex. Why you want to be with some one who drinks and does drugs? Seek counselling to feel better about yourself. That will help you break all connections with him and his family. I wonder what made you marry such a man.

    • Leave him period. No guilt at all. You have given him so many chances to improve but he is failed to follow his promises. Now he has to take professional help . Now it is not in his control to stop taking drugs because the body needs drugs when it’s certain level in the blood goes down. Please stop ruining your self after him. The whole family is in depression and not able to do anything. You just keep yourself away from them. They can not do any thing wrong with you. God bless you.

  4. Al Salaamu Alaykum,

    You asked, "how do I leave him?" Sister, no one on this site is going to advise you to do anything but leave him. Your post shows you too want to leave him. The only thing holding you back, it seems, is that you're waiting for him to appreciate all you've done for him. I can tell you right now, people who behave that corruptly, don't appreciate anything. You'll never get that satisfaction, so accept that and leave him because it's good for you.

    Here's how you do it:

    -Change your phone number, and do not give him or anyone who knows him your new one
    -Close your current email, if he is communicating to you through it. Open a new email account that he doesn't know and again, don't give it to him or anyone who knows him.
    -Block him on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, and any other social media accounts you have
    -You are in another country away from him. So find a lawyer where you are and initiate an absentee divorce. Your lawyer can also help you get a restraining order against him, if needed

    May Allah help you protect yourself.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. RUN,RUN, RUN AWAY!!!!!!

    I can feel your scare, but you are responsible for your safety and happiness! You wasting your life dear!

    Just block him everywhere, change your number and email address! He cant reach you in the other country! If he send somebody to treating you or scare you, CALL TO POLICE straight away!

    Wont be easy! You gave him chance after chance, he didnt change!

    Please ignore him for your own safety!

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