Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I get married without my parents consent? Will my nikah be valid?

sad fish in bowl

Salaam everybody,

I have been on this forum before with my situation. Unfortunately, even after following advice about seeking help from relatives and local imams (peer), I am still in the same situation.

I want to marry my cousin, and he wants to marry me. We are both practicing Muslims and strongly feel we want to spend our lives together as husband and wife. However my family will not agree - largely due to my father not agreeing. The rest of my family won't agree either - I just can't seem to make them understand. I have spoken to every member of my family individually, but they just won't budge.

I know that you guys will ask what are their reasons, or say they must have a valid reason - but they truly don't. My poor cousin is living a life if hell due to my family because I want to marry him. My family and relatives have made up lies, developed untrue descriptions of him, and have completely blacklisted him- as my family is very wealthy and respected within the community they have an influence on people.

Sometimes I feel like I ruined his life by uttering that I want to marry him. I'm so lonely and lost in my life. The funny thing is, I'm completely independent and in a well paid job, but am missing this big piece in my life. I just want my parents to do my nikah with my cousin so that I can live according to the sunnat IA, and stop sinning by being in contact with my cousin out of wedlock.

I'm so confused and depressed as I feel that my family and my parents are giving me no choice but to leave home. How much longer shall I wait for them to agree? I'm the youngest; the rest of my siblings have got there own lives, but me? I love my cousin dearly and cannot see myself as anyone else's wife. Why can't my family just agree to our marriage?

My father has been very abusive to me (he completely dislikes my cousin who is my mum's nephew - as he has always disliked my mums family. Also he always hoped I would marry his nephew). He has been forcing me to marry his nephew, and threatened to kill me if I don't follow what he says. I know they are just threats, but it really hurts when you are a woman of my age being threatened by your dad. Shouldn't he just accept my wishes, and see that I'm not going to change my view? I've always done the right thing and obeyed my parents, but now when it's time for me to begin my life I feel as if my parents are giving me a bad name when they can simply agree to my nikah?

If I marry without their consent, will my nikah be valid? What shall I do? I have come to a point now after 7 years where I've realized they just won't agree. Can I afford to waste any more of my life and youth?  I'm just so tired of my life, and just want to be married to this guy whom I love dearly. He is a Muslim, same caste and the rest of it.

Please tell me what I should do - as my family says I must obey my parents and if I don't, Allah will never forgive me?

-Anonymous


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24 Responses »

  1. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    I really feel very sorry for sisters like you, whom have obeyed Allah by being obedience to their parent, and then in the end instead of them (your parent) opening their heart to do what pleases you best (which is not haram), they rather control you to do what pleases them best, in the name of "Authority of Guardians". And they misunderstand what the "authority" means; it's just for the purpose of guiding you through many stages in life, till you reach the best destination that Islam wants for you. So if you are already there, why won't they allow you to have some peace?!

    Though I don't know the school of Fiqh you follow (I mean your Madh'Hab), but sometimes I think this kind of nonsense is part of the reasons why Hanafi scholars make it easier for an adult sane woman to be able to get married without the parent approval provided that the brother is a Muslim and you think she is right for you. Even though the majority of scholars (None Hanafis) are opposed this opinion. But I personally think, Allah is so Merciful, that's why He allowed disagreement to be among the scholars of Fiqh, so that there would be many multiple doors opened to fit any situation each individual may be in, especially in hardship situations such as yours.

    If I were the brother, I would try speaking to other international Imams who are outside the community or the country, and are not influenced by your family. I believe they will look into the matter with justice and fairness, and then when it appears to them that your parents are wrong, they might do the Nikah for you without your parent Insha'Allah.

    May Allah help you through this situation, Ameen!

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    Please tell me what I should do - as my family says I must obey my parents and if I don't, Allah will never forgive me? ITS VICEVERSA-
    I CHECKED AND CAME TO KNOW THAT THE PARENTS HAVE TO BE ON THE RIGHT WITH SOME VERY SERIOUS OFFENCE THE BRIDEGROOM MUST HAVE DONE OR HAS RECORD OF CRIME OR MAJOR SIN OR HABBIT TO BE REJECTED ONLY BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LIKE YOUR MOTHERS SIDE FAMILY HE CANT DICTATE AND FORCE YOU TO MARRY HIS NEPHEW-ITS YOUR NOT HIS-
    WHEN HE IS SO ADAMANT THAT HE THREATENS WITH KILLING WORDS THSI AND THAT- IT HE WHO IS GOING TO BE PUNISHED BY ALLAH NOT YOU-
    YOU THREATEN THE WITH SOME SERIOUS WORDS SO THAT THEY THINK TWICE BEFORE FORCING YOU TO DO WHAT THEY LIKE-
    REGARDS-

  3. Salam Sister,

    I can feel your pain and hardship, I am going through the same situation however my husband is a convert and because not from my parents country, they would barely treat him like a human being. We have been patient for quite a while but I was not able to continue in a Haram relationship. I got a Nikkah done, the Immam explained to me that yes, you have to obey your parents but not when it contradicts the Quran and the Sunnah. The girl has the right to marry whomever she pleases, as long as the man is religious and of good character. At the end of the day, it is your life and you have to be alongside your future husband when your parents are gone... don't make a mistake of going along with marrying someone you do not want or letting go of the person who can complete half your deen. Speak again to your father and mother, show them verses of the Quran and what the Prophet (SAW) said about the woman's right to marry. If they are still blind and you are sure you cannot forget about your cousin then speak to an Imam who doesn't know your family, who will look at the situation neutrally and decide what is best for this life and the hereafter.

    I will tell you, it is hard to stand up for what you want in life, especially when it is Halal and all you want is to marry because the Shaytan will do everything to keep you away from that. Pray Salat al Istikhara before making any decisions, that way whatever decision you make you know Allah had guided you. Don't be afraid Sister, you are not the only one going through this unfortunately and it is sad to see parents put their childrens' happiness on the side just to please their 'tradition' or social status. May Allah soften their hearts, give you strength and help you fight through this . Whatever is written for you by Allah will happen, just stick to praying and Duaa, that was and still is the only thing keeping me alive.

    Assalam and please keep me updated or if you have any questions how to go about this since I had to make this decision.

    • Salaam sisters and brothers,
      Thank you so much for your advice. May Allah always protect us and guide us all.

      I'm in such a depressing stage now as I feel torn. My parents are old and my mother and siblings say that if I go against their wishes I will be the cause of my dad falling ill etc. this hurts so much as I love my parents and only want the best for them - I have been so patient just because I don't want to hurt them - but feel as though I don't have any relationship with them as I no longer sit or spend time with them always at work then I'm in my room secluded and depressed about my situation, hoping my parents will have pity and do my nikah with their consent - I really didn't want to leave home...
      If you have any Quran ayats or Hadith linked directly to my situation those will be very useful - plz remember me in your Duas and pray that my parents do my nikah with this man that I love- I'm tired of waiting - of not having any happiness in this life but because of my haram relation with my cousin not benefitting anything for the next life - I'm losing in both sides by continuing to please my parents - I feel like I'm stuck but my parents aren't treating me like an adult but excusing their behaviour by treating me like a child?
      Sorry for my very long reply
      Thank you again
      Anonymous

      • Oh sister, It breaks my heart because I know the hurt and struggle you are going through. It is the most difficult and stressful situation to be placed in and knowing it is your parents who is making this hell for you is even more heartbreaking. You know, when I was in your shoes ( I still am) all I kept thinking was why my parents kept preaching the Deen to me, but when it was time for myself to complete half of it they refused because they wanted it their way. This is YOUR life, you are the person who has to be in the same house as your husband at the end of the day, not your family. Parents need to understand how hard it is to follow the religion these days and being an obstacle to a Halal situation will only hinder the child. I will keep you in my Duaa of course, you should try and speak with your parents one last time. If you fear they may hurt you, may God forbid, then add a member of the family who is on your side. If not, just pray and know Allah is always with you. Explain to them the hurt you are going through, how you will always be their daughter but it is time for you to start your life, just as they have done. You are following what the Quran states and by them not allowing your marriage for baseless reasons is haram in Islam.

        The prophet has said, "Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me."

        Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.” He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

        Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

        Try your last effort to get them to see what is right and wrong. If they cannot and are so blind sighted by their desires instead of their daughter's wellbeing then get an Imam to marry you. Your father's guardianship is no longer valid if he abuses it the way you have explained. ( If there is another member of your family such as your paternal uncle or grandfather that agrees you can also go that route ). Whatever you do, don't just run away because the guilt will eat at you forever. Do it the right way , Islamically and let Allah take care of the rest. Continue to update me and any other questions you may have.
        May Allah remove the hardship you are going through and bless you with tranquility, Ameen.

        • Thank you so much for your advice - I appreciate it whole heartedly IA May Allah reward you for hearing ones cry - I will work towards the advice I've been given IA please remember me in ur Duas x
          Anonymous

  4. Dear Sister

    I can feel your pain and agony. You have been suffering for such long period of 7 years. Parents are supposed to love, guide and protect their children and they should feel happy if their child is making things in halal way. i don't know how they try to impose their choice on their child, even on such big commitment called marriage, forgetting completely its not them but their child who has to run this relation.

    in the light of Islam, do you know that Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh) recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (deen) and character. Therefore, you have to confirm this in that guy. compatibility in terms of Religion practice and Character is really very important for a good and successful marriage.

    Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married so if you are sure of this guy in light of Islam as mentioned above , then you can go for Nikah with him.

    I would also recommend that you should also confirm( by testing him in an appropriate way) that his interest in you is genuine that its not due to your well paid job or wealthy family. I am saying this because when you love someone then you often dont think of everything practically and you often miss to see the flaws and faults of that person. once married, you cannot undo anything & you regret but that wont help, therefore it would be wise to confirm about him everything before taking any further steps.

    If you find him all good and okay with him, then you can marry him but you need to stand up for what you want and it wont be easy in any way. so you have to prepare yourself in view of this as well.

    Seek Allah's guidance in this,pray Salat al Istikhara before taking further decisions.

    your Sister

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    My understanding of the situation would be that, if your wali's refusal is not based on Islamically appropriate reasons, then his role of guardianship is forfeited - it sounds as though your other male relatives might also be opposed for non-Islamic reasons, and if this is the case when you ask them, then you can approach an imam to act as your wali and conduct the nikah.

    A wali should act as a guardian and protector, and support you in Islamically appropriate actions, not control or threaten you. If you feel that your physical or mental wellbeing is at risk, it is important that you seek help from your mum's family, or if it is safe to do so, your country's legal system.

    It is written in the Quran that we should treat our parents with respect and honour their wishes, but that we should not follow them in un-Islamic behaviours. It might help you to read Al Ankaboot, which describes the struggles faced by early Muslims, whose parents opposed their decision to revert and practise Islam.

    Remember that Allah loves us all, and loves to forgive us all if we just ask Him for forgiveness and repent wholeheartedly.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Thank you midnight moon really appreciate your advice. I just pray that Allah gives us the strength to take the final step IA x

      • I am in the same situation sister.7 years and still waitung for parents approval.life is v depressing.please pray and let me knw if u found a way out.jazakallah

        • Salam Sister,

          Don't ever lose hope. Allah is testing your patience through this route. Keep being good to them, even if it's hard or they don't appreciate it. Do it for Allah SWT. They may never accept your marriage but as long as you are being a good Muslimah then that's all that matters. Everyone will be judged according to their actions so don't let your parents non involvement depress you, you have your husband to take care of you and he is your family now. He is your top priority. May Allah ease you from your hardships and turn your sorrow into happiness, Ameen.

        • Salaam,
          Please do not lose hope! By the Grace of Allah and all the Duas of the brothers and sisters my father has agreed to do my nikah!! Can't believe it now after nearly 8 years of patience. Please don't give up and try to arrange for your father to meet the man you want to marry in person with a non-biased person. Also you need to make sure your family understand your going to do it with or without them. Always remain respectful. Parents are the greatest blessing I realise that now more than ever. Also please spend time with your parents as now I regret every minute I could have spent with them but I spent alone be tough to try and maintain and develop stronger relations with your father and mother. IA I pray Allah Tallah gives us all strong imaan and success
          JazakAllah Khair
          Anonymous

          • ..i am still struggling.my father met him after 7 years.which was surprising for me.after he met him..when he flew back here where we live.he totally changed..saying he is a liar.he hasnt studied much..etc...mashallah mabrook.i know u'd be on the 7th cloud..planning ur wedding...i had da same feeling whn my dad met...khair
            Mabrook again....please pray for me.i pray that such a situation never arises for a foe even

          • N yeah..its only bcz of my parents that i am still sitting and waiting...no matter how supportive that guy's family is...only with the fact that i wont be happy ever if i came to you without their consent

  6. salam wa alaikum,

    I am in a situation. and need some advise...

    [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication, rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  7. Asalaamualaykum,

    I really need some advice on my situation. It's not complicated. It's actually very simple. I want to get married to my bestfriend. This is my fourth year of knowing him and he is the most humble, sensitive and kindest gentleman I have ever come across. I am very lucky to have found someone as caring as him because lets be honest, it's hard to find a decent guy these days. Now the issue my mum has is because we're Syed I am only allowed to marry a syed. A nikkah with a non syed would apparently be haram. He is a Muslim, sunni. He comes from a very religious family but people are so easy to judge. He is Arif Lohar's nephew. So straight away people would assume he sings, dances etc. When actually he prays five times a day, attends Jummah every Friday and attends his local mosque on Saturdays. From the very start he has helped me with Islam and so has his mum. A lohar, helping a syed in islam. I am not ashamed of it. Because religion is the most important thing in a husband which makes him 10/10 for me. And the fact that I follow his steps and listen to him makes me 10/10 for him. I have mentioned him to my mum many times but she has had a straight no even before I finish my sentence. We have had 4 arranged marriages in our family before in which non of them have been successful. I know myself I can be the first child of this family that will have a successful marriage Inshallah. But my mum is adamant to get me married to a syed. The man carries the family lineage, so why is it so important for me to marry a syed? My mum has been looking for four years and now I feel that if this year I don't get married it'll be too late. I need advice on how I can come about it with my mum, his mum said she is going to try her very best, so what can she also do to convince mum and if it comes to it and I get my nikkah done because I see myself only with him in the future as we have both carried out istakhara then would I be wrong in getting my nikkah done without my parents permission? I can't be forced into a marriage I do not accept.

    Thank you

    Z.

  8. Hello

    I would suggest to do your own investigation which is more satifactory.

    Thanks to Internet and media, its easier than ever.

    download pdf or a copy of QURAN and Sunnah books from a reliable website (its very important to make sure they are Right ppl)

    search for keywords (ctrl+f keys on your keyboard just in case you don't know, though you might already know some would some won't...no body know it all:)), Like

    Nikah, marriage, wife, husbands, parents duties, childrens duties, anything that will get you some relatd matarial.

    as far as i can remember there is hadeth which says its men duty to find a good mother for his children and forthcoming family based on character rather other matarial things.

    and then i can remember there is verse in Quran: saying "BE IZNE AHLE HINNA'' Means nikah her with the consent of her family.. point here is ahle hinna mean with consent of her family...family could be other members of the family too...but it just my openion you need to seek specialist openinion..but remember everyone has there own interpretation so you have to find a middle way...there is a hadees which means; "best course of action, is the middle"

    Marriage in Islam is a constitution of forthcoming family, a promise, a commtiment, responsibility and long term impacts/prospects on/for childrens and family, and offcourse to fulfil our other desires that is a part of our existence and body. Marriage is making this promise to Allah and in presence of family and witneses that you are going to take this woman as wife, that you will look after her, support her, provide for her not just sexual desire that may deplete with times and you might not feel the same as always but still have to stick together for family and children..and offcourse if its not working you have the way out as Talaq, divorce.

    You have to understand the 'why' behind each command/rule/law/farz/sunnah/wajib and its essensce and then find away that is closer to the reason 'why'.

    This is just what i can remember Islam is flexible and solution for everyone you just need to understand and find out i'm sure there will be something for you too ...but you also have to understand when it comes to rules and laws they are aimed for wider community, society its impacts and result on not just individuals, it might not address everyone individual circumstances and conditions but as a believer and thats why faith is important
    that we have believed and submitted to the will of Allah and his Messenger which mean sometime it might conflicts with our own conditions, circumstances, where we live, how we brought up and who we been around.

    excuse my spelling and grammer , me mother wasn't an English teacher;)

    Peace out sorry for the lecture...its morning time and i have the energy to lecture

  9. Assalamu Alaikum

    I'm in a situation where I have strong feelings towards this guy, me and him are both practicing Muslims and want to have a nikaah. But are family are just not ready to agree, in this situation I have been told a lot of different things to do but I don't know if it's right or not. I have been advised by friends and other family members to have out nikaah done without our parents approval and tell them after. One thing I am not sure about is that if I need a family member as a witness or if it could be anyone such as friends?

  10. Salam sister
    By reading ur comments i feel so relaxed as im faceing same problem with me from mast 3months i fell in love with a man since 8 years and my father wants my khala's son and i tried my father ti understand my sitaution i cant imagine my life witbout him im the youngest girl in my family and everyone thinks that i m too young to understand such world im 25years old and its a torture for me that my dad says that the guy u love i cant marry u with him and inasked him whats the reason he doesnt have reasone except that he is not belong to same caste and family im so sick of it every night i cry without letting them know life has become torture for me .but seeing ur comments felt me so relaxed eveeone faceing same probs inshaAllah everytjing will be alright please sisters do remember me in ur prayers.

  11. Assalamoaliekum , I am in the same situation so plz remember me in your duas as m very disturbed but m not loosing hope as I have strong trust on Allah the Almighty the most powerful

  12. Aselamu ALeykum,

    I am in a difficult situation and I need your help with the permission of Allah

    There is one guy who I love and need to be with him for the rest of my life. We are from different races (East African and South Asian). We love each other, we take care of each other, we eat together, etc. But I am not feeling good about what we are doing together becoz we're not halal to each other yet. I want to make nikkah but he doesn't because he has no income for the time being; he was going thru a lot, and he has nothing to support our marriage. I told him as it iis ok to live as we are living now but he wouldnt agree. I am really stressed now because we are in a haram relationship. I dont know what should I do to make it Halal. On top of that, i am afraid to tell my family about my situation, coz for sure they will ask me about his status and have nothing to tell them. So I am just thinking TO CONVINCE HIM AND DO OUR NIKKAH WITHOUT FAMILY INVOLVEMENT OR AWARENESS. CAN I DO THIS? I'm really getting tired of involved in haram relationship. I have prayed Istikhara, and have to be patience I guess. I dont want to end my link with him in a bad way so I need your DUA pleasee .... remember us in your prayers

    your quick reply would be highly appreciated

    Jezakumullahu Khiaren

  13. At time of Huzur ...one woman complains same & huzur get married her with man whom she like...ask ur parents are on islam or islam of their forefathers .
    Nothing like sin no imam is above huzur.
    If Huzur physically present u can marry with person whom u love but this ppl use din to satisfy their ego...so go ahead n get married .
    Allah forgive all sins...ok
    Learn Hadis read Sahih bukhari ppl makes u fool on name of islam but actually all their personal thought they mix with islam .
    Do court marriage

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