My guilt and anxiety are not leaving me alone
Asalamualakum fellow Sisters,
I have wronged a lot in my past life and I can not stop being depressed and guilty about it. At the time I was 16 I was in a haraam relationship with a boy a year older then me. I had thought that I was in love and he promised to marry me. I ended up losing my virginity to him and had sex with him whenever he wanted because I felt loved and wanted. I do take full responsibility and I have no one to blame but my self nevertheless I will not try to disguise myself as the victim in this matter.
A dark flower blossoms as the night falls silent
I eventually got pregnant and he told me to abort the baby. I became depressed and I also tried overdosing my self with pills so that I could die. I come from a very religious and respected family mashallah. To know that I am the only one who has wronged this much is heartbreaking. I tried to take care of this situation myself but I couldn't do anything but tell my mother who sensed my abnormal behavior. My mother became very depressed after I had told her what happened to me. Till now my mother is not the same anymore and I feel so guilty about it as I have ruined her life. She did not deserve it. I did get the baby aborted. After that I avoided this boy and did not answer any of his calls.
It has been 2 years and I am getting myself ready to be married to the man i truly and deeply love (his parents sent a rishtaa for me and I am currently doing istikhara for a week before my parents send an approval) Mashallah he is a very caring and sweet person and he remembers Allah (SWT) all the time. No matter where he is he always takes his time out to pray salah and read the Quran mashallah and he tells other people to pray with him also.
I know I do not deserve him at all and I cry every time knowing what I have done and that I will never be pure for him again. He does not know what I did but he has told me that he would not like to know my past because its the past that makes up the person I am now. I have hinted him a couple of times what happened but he says that it does not matter to him what happened in the past and now it is all about the present and the future inshallah.
My heart aches seeing how good he treats me. I have told him I do not deserve him and it would be better if he finds someone more pious then me. My mother is also very scared that once his family finds out the truth of my past then my married life will be over allah na karey and a girls reputation is so easily destroyed (not that it hasn't already). I really wish I went back to time and changed things as this feeling will be stuck by me throughout the rest of my life.
I do not know what to do as these feelings of guiltiness and anxiety are not leaving me alone and I feel as if im slowly going crazy. Please help me.
Jazakallah Khairun.
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Salaam. Please dont make the mistake of coming out with ur entire past mistakes. U no u wer wrong n u are repenting. Carry on repenting to allah. If i was in ur situation i no i wud feel the same as u and wud feel unworthy and ashamed. But really sister he has told u he likes u as u are n dsnt want to no ur past. Do not burden him with it. Start married life fresh. Ur repentence is to allah only. U havnt betrayd this guy u werent with him wen u commited these sins. I no itl be hard. But sumtyms the nicest of guys cant handle sumones past. N it manifests in anger or bitterness.even if they dont mean it. On the other hand maybe he cud be very supportive. I personally wouldnt tell him. Unless i felt hed find out from another.
Dear Sister:
Assalamualikum.
Let me start with a very important piece of advice: No matter how good you husband treats you, never ever disclose your past to him. Even if he asks you, say that it is past and it is between you and Allah.
We often harbor the wrong notion that disclosing or sharing our past sins with someone close to us will lighten the load of guilt from our back. This is wrong because:
- Human beings do not have the authority to pardon our sins. Such authority only rests with Allah. So, only talk about your sins to Allah and ask for His forgiveness.
- It is Allah who have kept your sin secret from others. This is a blessing and a mercy from Allah. Can there be anyone who is be more merciful to us that Allah? There is no one, not even our mothers. Therefore, if we disclose our sins to others thinking that they will be kind towards us, we unconsciously prefer the sympathy of human beings to the mercy of Allah, which was His concealment of our sins.
- You never know how people will react. It happened many times that a person revealed the past to his or her other half, only to face violent reaction from them, which even caused them separate. And do you know what the Shaytan loves most? He loves when there is a familial trouble or divorce in a Muslim family.
Regarding your guilt feeling part, I understand your feeling. From my experience of life, I have found that nothing in this world is more cumbersome than a sin. Now, not everyone will feel such burden. Only to those Allah gives the insight of His deen will understand the darkness the sin causes in the heart. Alhamdulillah that Allah has given you that insight.
Now, according to the Messenger of Allah, every sin causes a black spot to appear in the heart. But the good news is, Allah, the most Merciful, has left us with ways through which we can completely remove those black spots. He declared in the Quran:
Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." And return [in repentance] to your Lord and submit to Him before the punishment comes upon you; then you will not be helped. [Surah Zumar 53-54]
In many places in the Quran, Allah ordered His honorable Messenger to tell people about X, Y or Z. But regarding the people who have committed sins and lost hope, Allah did not use His Messenger as a media to convey His message of hope. Rather Allah Himself addressed His slaves by saying, "Ya Ibadi!' or "O My slaves". Such is the mercy of Allah. Subhanallah.
So, do not feel disheartened. Surely we all should feel regret for our sins, but be careful, lest our remorse overtakes us and may consequently prevents us from going back to Allah. Actually this is a trick Shaytan. He loves if we do not hasten towards Allah. No matter how much we are messed up, can our mess or sin or whatever come even close to the generosity and mercy of Allah? Can they compete? Never. Is there any scope of losing hope? No, until we meet the angel of death, there is always hope. So, your first step is sincere repentance. Next, you should make continuous dua to Allah. Next you should try to do as much as act of worship as possible. After you complete all you obligatory acts of worship, try to do as much as supererogatory acts of worship like reading quran, nawful salah, give sadaqa etc. When you get married, spending time with your husband will take precedence over supererogatory acts of worship.
It is proven that acts of worship eventually lessens the burden of guilt feeling, and you will feel that your black spots are being removed from your heart. I tried it and believe me, after a couple of weeks, I got the result.
Also recently, I came across a far more rigorous program prescribed for spiritual reformation and purification. The program is mainly prescribed for young mans who are not married yet. I have not implemented it yet, but I have found it useful. You may read it, and I am sure you will find it useful too.
http://www.classicalislamgroup.com/viewpage.php?page=33
Stranger,
The website you attached is excellent, Jzk.
“Even though you are unable to floor the wrestler’s Nafs on his back, do not permit your hands and feet to be immobile. Don’t you realize this bout is lifelong? Sometimes he will overcome you, sometimes you will subdue him.”
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
nw i want to ask
how to remove that guilt from heart because it is irritating again and again
the person from (which we r hiding our sin ) will think we r good bt actually we r nt pure that guilt ?????????
Stranger and Aliyah25,
Beautiful advice from both of you maashAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAmswers.com Editor
Dear Sister,
Asalaalaikum,
be thankful to Allah that he has guided u to the right path.I completely understand what you feel. when I get looked after my Allah in all these special ways ,which to others may seem good luck or my hard work but I know deep in my heart that its only Allah mercy and love for me and nothing else .if my own deeds were to bring me any thing it will only bring disaster on me. its only Allah's mercy .
my dear sister , i would agree with stranger, Donot volunteer to tell about your sins to others to lighten up your heart , to feels that you are not betraying any one. Allah is very Ghayoor ( having a lot of ghairat) more than our fathers and brothers and husbands. if he has kept a purdha on your sins ,keep it that way. you have offered truthfulness to this person and he is not interested thats it , close the door and move on.you will get nothing by peeping in your past. i read some where ,There are chapters in everyones life that they dont want to read, and certainly not aloud.you will never know what was in his past,and its true that present is more important.
when you feel really guilty and feel you didnt deserve this blessing from Allah then try to do some good immediately like give sadaqa or pray 2 nafal or visit someone who is sick ,or may be give advice to someone who may be in your situation. be a mentor. do all of this just for the sake of Allah and you will feel better then. it always give me the feeling that how magnanamous Allah is and how small I am ,that even if I want to do good with all the sincereity i can never do one that is of standard to His majesty.and all i can do is a sincere sajda and submit myself to him and obey him.
sometimes its best not to burden others with the information that you have ,as they may get unnecessarily burdened and sad with it. like your mother is now sad and you are carrying this extra burden of making your mom sad as well. ( i still think you did the right thing to involve your mom).
look after yourself and I hope youhave very successful and happy married life. Ameen.
friend.
true siis with every1 i agree all of uz we hav a past that we may or may not lyk but 4get about coz it cant com bacl start from now n be good so dat allah can see dat u repant n 4giv u inshlah n do not tell ur hubii wat u did n inshalah he will never knw may allah 4giv uz all amin
Asalamualakum,
I have just came back on this site for months wondering if i got answers and alhamdullillah they were so helpful and I feel so much better. I have been repenting to Allah and I am very excited for this Ramadan inshallah as i will feel more closer to Allah ever then before. I also find your link to be very helpful stranger and it was a great reading thank you all for your help by taking your time out to write to me and by not judging me on my mistakes. I am currently and happily engaged to the man i mentioned before and I know it would not have been made possible without Allah (SWT) and the kind words and advice you all gave me.
Jazakallah Khairun,
Nehie
can i talk to u////
Alizay, we do not allow the exchange of private contact information.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor