My rights after being cheated on and abused?
Cheating Husband
My husband has admitted to me that he has slept with many women after I gave him proof of his actions. He admitted this not entirely in repentance, but categorically told me that he could do this because it is a man's world and I have no choice but to accept it.
He continues to be physically and emotionally abusive to me, does not give me money for groceries, and restricts my movements out of the house. I have found video tapes of women having oral sex with him, but this does not come under the definition of zina, as the penetration was not on video tape.
What legal action can I take? Furthermore I have 3 children, 2 of which are no longer minors. I do not want to lose custody of my children. What is my position according to islamic law?
-shery
43 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Shery,
It would help readers to benefit to know what country you reside in. Laws vary from one place to another. Put the video tapes somewhere your husband will never find them. A friend of mine suspected her husband cheating on her so she put a voice controlled recorder in the house. It ended up recording a ton of information about his extramarital affairs and then some. When she and her husband went to court, it was very helpful to her case in the divorce proceedings.
Do you have any family you might go to? The best thing you could possibly do is just pick up your things and go to them if you can. Is your family aware of the suffering that you are enduring? If they aren't, you need to tell them. You should not suffer in silence sister...this is not a way for you or your children to live.
Salam
Assalamalikum-
DECISION IS YOURS TO LIVE WITH A VAGABOND OR NOT TO LIVE BUT ISLAM GIVES YOU FULL AUTHORITY THAT IS THE CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN READ TO UNDERSTAND PLEASE-
Who will have the custody of the children.
In the unfortunate event of a divorce in Islam, regardless of who amongst the spouse initiates the divorce, Shariah Law states that all children (male or female) will remain in the custody of the mother until they reach the age of understanding and puberty; and it will be responsibility of the father to provide for the financial upkeep of the children.
Once the children reach the age of understanding, the father has a right to move the Shariah Court if he wishes to gain custody of the children. The Shariah Court Judge will then ask the children who have attained the age of puberty whom they wish to live with: their mother or their father; and whatever decision is made by the children will be enforced by the Shariah Judge.
The decision of who gains the custody of the children in a divorce neither rests with the mother, nor the father, nor the Shariah Court Judge; but Allah Subhanah has placed this right of decision in the hands of the children as soon as they reach the age of understanding and puberty. The Shariah Court Judge will only enforce the decision of the children, and give the parent who lost the custody fair visitation rights.
The boy of 14 has already reached his age of puberty, thus if the father wishes to gain primary custody of his son, he will have to approach the Shariah Court and the Shariah Judge will enforce the decision made by the son regarding whom he wishes to live with, his father or his mother.
What do you want to happen? Do you want to leave him? Is your husband sexually active with you?
Does he pray 5 times and fast during Ramazan? Do your kids know about this? One big problem is your husband may get some sexually transmitted disease and pass it on to you.
Since you are talking about Sharia, you may need 4 pious men witnesses who actually saw penetration close up to prove adultry. Does any one know what is the punishment if two unrelated are caught in the act of oral sex or just involved in foreplay.
Emotional abuse and physical abuse should be unacceptable. If live in a Western country, your husband can go to jail for that. Weak men beat women to feel strong. Abuse problems have bad effects on kids too.
Dear SVS ,
How can some one produce " 4 pious men" witnesses who actually saw penetration close up to prove adultry??
Do rapist inform four pious men first that he is going to rape a women ?
Then there is no chance of of woman getting justice if she is raped in Muslim country ? Can some one clarify this else you will be spreading wrong information?
I think videos should be enough proof to prove adultery in this case ...
Allah hafiz
Assalaamualaikam
The laws for prosecuting for zina and sexual assault are different - as sexual assault is forced upon the victim, they are not committing zina - that would require consent.
As far as I am aware, there are 3 main routes that can be taken when seeking a prosecution for sexual assault: witness testimony (the traditional 4 witnesses), confession from the accused, and physical evidence. There are also cases in which alternative routes have been taken to seek prosecution. For example, there is an account in the hadiths in which a woman publicly identified a man, who was then brought before The Prophet (peace be upon him) and punished based on her testimony (some accounts say the man confessed when brought before The Prophet (peace be upon him)) - I would post references, but I don't have them to hand and would not want to provide incorrect details by mistake.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum Sister,
I am sorry to hear about the difficult and painful time you are going through. May Allah ease your pain and make you successful in your trials that you face, Ameen.
In Addition to what Sister Najah and Brother Ali have already said, I would advise you to be very cautious because if he has recordings of women, he may even have recordings of you OR try to make recordings with you (when he is intimate with you) since you have come to know. It isn't adviseable to trust him especially because he feels no remorse and justifies his behaviour.
You wrote:
If this is what he said, it makes it sound like he didn't intentionally record part of his encounters with these women - but doesn't necessarily mean penetration didn't occur. Further to this, having intimate relations with a husband who is blatantly involved with other women is very dangerous and you could be exposed to STIs. Please see a doctor to have tests done.
As already mentioned, seek the help of a close trusted family member. May Allah protect you, your children and ease your pain, Ameen. May Allah guide your husband on the straight path, Ameen.
"Zina" is not just penetration. Any form of intimacy with a non-spouse is considered zina. If it is on videotape then that is proof enough.
Assalam alaikum Sr. Precious Star,
I completely agree 100% with that being the definition of zina and it is not just physical contact, but even acting in the intention of committing it.
To clarify, my point is that the husband seems to be claiming that since there is no video proof, it means it didn't happen as if to "console" his wife. I was speaking more to her need of protecting herself from contracting a sexually transmitted infection and not rely on his word of the videos.
Salam sister,
So sad to hear your story. I would advise you to leave him asap. Not only is he cheating you, abusing you phisically and emotionally but the worst thing is he is telling you in your fade that he will continue his behavoiur. Instead of being remorseful of his actions he is further telling you that you have to just live with his abuse and suffer!
Why should you suffer this injustice? It's not a man's world. Allah created everything for men and women. Women deserve to have a faithful and loving husband who does not cheat on her.
These types of men never change, they only get worse. I am talking from experience. They will ruin both yours and your childrens life. How would you and your kids lead an islamic life with a man like this? A man is supposed to the the leader of the house. We all know what happens with a corrupt leader, the people suffer!
With regards to custody. I don't know if what brother Ali is saying is correct, as there are many different opinions from scholers regarding child custody. It may also depend what country you live in. If you live in a western country children are usually given to the mother. The father just has visitation rights. But I am sure if you go to an imam and explain to him what happened, they can't possibly award your children to a cheating and abusive man. I mean what will he teach his kids? How to abuse women? And use them as a toy? The evidence you have is still a form of zina, so keep it safe.
Get help from friends and relatives and keep praying to Allah for a solution. I pray Allah brings you and your children peace and keeps you together whatever happens.
Saba, Precious star and Sumaira the three feminist here and others, please be careful when you advising posters like OP to leave their husbands and divorce
'Abu Dawood (5170) also narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Whoever turns a man’s wife or slave against him is not one of us"
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2173 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Of all the lawful acts’ the most detestable to Allah is divorce.’
Unless and until one has oneself seen with one’s very own eyes their spouse committing the crime of adultery (penetration), or one can bring forth four reliable witnesses who will bear witness under oath that they have seen the spouse committing the actual act of adultery…..one has absolutely no right and no basis of assuming or accusing one’s spouse of the heinous crime of adultery!!!
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 49 Surah Hujuraat verse 12:
" O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: and spy not on each other nor speak ill of each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it...but fear Allah: for Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful."
Mere suspicion or heresy of one’s spouse committing the heinous crime of ‘zina’ cannot be made a valid basis for divorce.
Zina can be of the hand , tongue , eyes etc etc, only the act of zina ( actual penetration) can be made basis for a divorce or if the spouse admits in court of law that he/she has committed the act.
If the wife initiates a divorce for a strong and genuine reason/s, she would be blameless for the divorce taking place in the Sight of Allah swt , but if a wife initiates a divorce for frivolous reason, indeed she will be held to severe account for breaking the sacred institution of marriage in the Court of Allah swt..
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2218 Narrated by Thawban
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If any woman asks her husband for divorce without some strong reason, (even) the odour of Paradise will be forbidden to her!’
Brother J, you are inventing your own fiqh here and confusing two very different issues.
To convict someone of zinaa in a court of Islamic law requires, as you said, four witnesses to the act of intercourse itself. As such, these sort of convictions are extremely rare and almost impossible.
Divorce is another matter. There is no legal requirement of proof of wrongdoing to divorce. If I have a strong suspicion that my wife is cheating on me - say, she has lied about her whereabouts, I found a love letter from another man in her desk, or whatever - I am perfectly free to divorce her, and that is exactly what I would do.
It is very reasonable to advise a sister to divorce her husband after she has seen a videotape of him being intimate with another woman.
You wrote, "only the act of zina ( actual penetration) can be made basis for a divorce or if the spouse admits in court of law that he/she has committed the act."
What is your proof of this? This sounds like made-up fiqh to me. You must be careful of inventing your own rules and calling it Islam. You are misleading people.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
To convict someone of zinaa in a court of Islamic law requires, as you said, four witnesses to the act of intercourse itself. As such, these sort of convictions are extremely rare and almost impossible.
Yes you are absolutely correct these types of convictions are rare in Sharia courts as the punishment for a convicted person is hadd (stoning to death), but if there is not enough evidence to decide on hadd, then the accused does not go scott free, with the available evidence tazir is applied by the jurist. Ta’zir is the penalty or punishment given for committing sinful acts which cannot be punished under the hadd. It is basically a lesser degree of punishment which may involve, warning, fines, jail or whipping.
Divorce is another matter. There is no legal requirement of proof of wrongdoing to divorce. If I have a strong suspicion that my wife is cheating on me - say, she has lied about her whereabouts, I found a love letter from another man in her desk, or whatever - I am perfectly free to divorce her, and that is exactly what I would do
Usually, there are no direct evidences against adultery, so if OP is living in a non Muslim country then her lawyer would follow the local laws and prove her husbands adultery with the help of circumstantial proofs in court. Such proofs might be; photographs of the spouse with a third person at secluded place where they may get intimate or at places like hotels where they may get an opportunity for physical relationship. Since, it is difficult to have an eyewitness to prove an illicit relationship; it can be proved indirectly by showing evidences such as hotel bills or travel records. Also, their public display of affection or their letters, SMS’s etc. can be used as evidence against the offending party.
It is very reasonable to advise a sister to divorce her husband after she has seen a videotape of him being intimate with another woman.
It may appear very reasonable, but I think we should not actively encourage her to rush for a divorce, we don't even know her, her country or all the details, it better if we tell her to explore all other options to reconcile like involving family, elders, marriage counseller,imam,a local scholar of knowledge and piety,explain the problem to them and seek his advice.
'Abu Dawood (5170) also narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Whoever turns a man’s wife or slave against him is not one of us"
You wrote, "only the act of zina ( actual penetration) can be made basis for a divorce or if the spouse admits in court of law that he/she has committed the act."
What is your proof of this? This sounds like made-up fiqh to me
I am definitely not making up fiqh or making assumptions, Astagfirulla). I am assuming she wants to use Zina of her husband as the major reason to divorce him.
Now, if she approaches a Islamic Sharia court with only Zina as the basis for the divorce, then she will need to establish in the court that her husband committed the actual act of Zina ( penetration or intercourse) assuming her husband refused to confess.
The Muslim jurist will require evidence from four people to give testimony against the man and woman that they committed zina. When they testify (in the courts), the judge will inquire from the witnesses the particulars and details of what took place, the place of incident, the time of incident, and the identity of the woman involved. When they give details of all of this and they state that the woman was unlawful upon the man in every way, and that they testify the observing of sexual intercourse taking place like they see a Kohl needle entering the Kohl bottle, and the four witnesses are considered upright both privately and publicly, then the judge will give the order. (See: al-Ikhtiyar li ta’lil al-Mukhtar, 2/312-313)
A very descriptive explanation of different forms of zina is explained here http://islamqa.info/en/3013
She can also get a divorce from her husband in the Sharia courts giving other reasons to the jurist like incompatibility between the spouses,failure to support the wife financially,impotence; mental illness,cruel treatment etc etc
Brother Wael, the OP wants to know what Islamic Law says about her current position and also has questions about her divorce & custody of children. These are complex issues and needs to be dealt with some expert on Islamic jurisprudence, instead of blaming each other for our posts, if think it would be better if she told to seek help from a relevant scholar and this post is closed.
Jazak-Allah
Thank you for the name-calling, it makes it easier in the future to read and decide whether to take you seriously or not based on your maturity level.
If you actually READ my post, as opposed to being emotionally reactive to it, you would see that no where have I told the poster to leave her husband, but I have told her to be careful about having intimate relations with him.
In fact, I didn't want to mention separation immediately to this particular lady, because she has not mentioned her situation. I didn't know that seeking the help of a trusted family member translated into "leave your husband" in your dictionary. Clearly, we use different dictionaries.
Why not share with us what this poster should do? OR what a man should do if he finds recordings of his wife having oral sex? Let's hear your advice that you clearly feel is better.
Assalaamualaikam
I'm feeling left out - I didn't get a mention in the List of Feminists. *sob*
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
LOL Sister Midnightmoon!
In Brother J's defense, he did say "and others."
That's ok Midnight Moon -- you're a sista!
What is the reason to get offended, Saba? If you admit that you are not a feminist, then I promise I'll never call you one 🙂
OP is confused whether the video evidence she has is a proof of her husbands zina or not, because there was no penetration, she intends to use it to take legal action against him.
Precious star said that "Zina" is not just penetration. Any form of intimacy with a non-spouse is considered zina. If it is on videotape then that is proof enough. and you agreed with her.
There are different forms of zina, but the video evidence is not good enough for her to establish in Sharia courts that her husband committed Zina(intercourse) to get a divorce.
But, as you clarified yourself that you didn't want them to go for separation immediately, then that settles the misunderstanding.
Salaams,
I'm just curious, why are you making the assumption this is going before a shariah court? It may be that she lives in a country that doesn't follow shariah law, in which case such a video could be admissable as evidence against him by the regional court system.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Why am I making assumptions this is going before a shariah court? Because she asked in her post -What is my position according to islamic law?, but I may be wrong.
There is no doubt that the video evidence she has is worthwhile to be pursued in a non -sharia court to get a divorce
Brother J,
The issue is not that I am a feminist or not. (Seriously, who cares either way if I am?) It obviously makes you feel better to call me one, I'm glad it helped you.
You wonder why someone can take your comments as a personal attack, when you use specific names and call them feminists--and Yes, I am or No, I am not :), but wasn't your hope to put us down by calling us feminists? Whether that was a "good" or "bad" word, you clearly didn't come across as using it in a way to uplift your fellow Muslimahs--there were so many other words you could have chosen, Brother. You wanted our attention, you got it, stop acting so surprised.
And there was no misunderstanding from my end in my post, and you know it. Not a single word in my post was in line with your accusation.
Saba,can't you just forget it and move on? Please stop brooding on it and making a mountain out of a molehill.
I also have been peppered with very very kind words on the form 🙂 but it does not bother me.
Not long ago, there was this brother 'Masood' who used to post answers here, once he was directly asking the sister who posted the question(bad waswas hurting a lot) to add him in Skype and he asked her again, so I reprimanded him with the strongest possible words.
If I remember correctly, another sister had posted a question about her husbands problem of gazing at girls & women and he also had a habit of watching skimpily dressed girls on Ytube, so one brother posted a comment in which he wrote that this was not a big deal and it was normal & ok for Muslim men to engage in premarital sex. I strongly objected to that comment and even complained to wael.
The point I am trying to make is, I am neither a male chauvinist or an anti-feminist ( which you wrongly believe I am) but a straightforward person who does not fear to speak his mind and never shies away from calling a spade a spade.
«Say what is true, although it may be bitter and displeasing to people» (Baihaqi).
I have already moved forward 🙂
Saba, I'm sure Brother J does not know what a feminist even is. If he did, then he will define it for us. I also think it is interesting that I never recommended divorce to the OP sister yet he is putting me in that category.
That being said, I'm not sure how any decent muslim woman would want to remain married to a man like this. He was intimate with another woman -- "penetration" or not.
And if she has children, what type of role model will he make to his sons? What will he be teaching his daughters?
Precious Star, I've been called a feminist enough times now that I think it is a good thing 🙂 But in all seriousness sister, I am alright being in that category with all the sisters mentioned, Alhumdulillah!
Brother J,
Thanks for proving as the OP's husband says that it is a man's world with your comments full of words, but empty of true advice as to what she should do. I suppose now you want this post closed in order to quiet the "feminists."
Assalaamualaikam
Brother, I'm not sure what you're saying is actually accurate in Islamic law - there is a big difference between legal conviction and divorce.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I know there is a big difference between legal conviction and divorce, it is difficult to prove adultery even in regular courts. If the accused spouse denies it (No I did not do it) and there is no substantial evidence, it usually goes uncontested. Zina is not the only ground on which a Muslim woman can get a divorce, but OP mentions a video, is confused if it amounts to Zina and asks what legal action can she take against her husband, makes me think she wants to use the video to build her case of divorce in Sharia court or conventional court.
soon after my marriage, with literally no savings or cash in my account, and a new car etc, I got unfairly fired from my job.
When i went crying (literally) to a friend who is a senior lawyer in labour court, she said something which seemed harsh but was very useful to me.
She said to me to stop acting like a mop, pick myself up and fight the case. She said I am not the first one who has suffered unfair treatment not the last and certainly nor the worst.
Instead of just letting me feel sorry for myself (i was only 26, and recently got this high paying job) she pushed me to be strong
we often forget that the troubles that come to us are to make us strong, and we are stronger than we think.
By thinking of the suffering of others in this world, we can get some patience and be stronger.
I am sorry to hear of your situation, please be strong, women are far more stronger than men otherwise they could never be mothers. Since your children are not minors, maybe you can share a bit with them? Certainly the children always become closer to the mother in such situations. Remember the Almighty and you will get strength.
Actually the real risk is this - once you take a firm stand, this weak man could fall to his knees and ask you take him back - that will be your real challenge!
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “He is not one of us who turns a woman against her husband or a slave against his master.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (2175); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.
Mere suspicion or heresay of one’s spouse committing the heinous crime of ‘zina’ cannot be made a valid basis for divorce.
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2173 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Of all the lawful acts’ the most detestable to Allah is divorce.’
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 49 Surah Hujuraat verse 12:
O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: and spy not on each other nor speak ill of each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it...but fear Allah: for Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful.
Zina of hand, eyes or tongue, cannot be made the basis for a divorce in a court of law.
Unless and until one has oneself seen with one’s very own eyes their spouse committing the crime of adultery(penetration), or one can bring forth four reliable witnesses who will bear witness under oath that they have seen the spouse committing the actual act of adultery…..one has absolutely no right and no basis of assuming or accusing one’s spouse of the heinous crime of adultery!!!
If the wife initiates a divorce for a strong and genuine reason/s, she would be blameless for the divorce taking place in the Sight of Allah swt ; but if a wife initiates a divorce for frivolous reason, indeed she will be held to severe account for breaking the sacred institution of marriage in the Court of Allah
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2218 Narrated by Thawban
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If any woman asks her husband for divorce without some strong reason, (even) the odour of Paradise will be forbidden to her!’
Salam Brother J,
The op has written;
"""My husband has admitted to me that he has slept with many women after I gave him proof of his actions. He admitted this not entirely in repentance, but categorically told me that he could do this because it is a man's world and I have no choice but to accept it""""
The husband has ADMITTED it himself that he has slept with other women!!! is this not proof enough???
And on top of that he said he will continue his behavoiur!!! is this a frivoulous reason to leave him??
If the tables were turned and a the op WAS A MAN you would tell him to drop her like a hot potatoe! What would you do if your wife said that to you and you had video tape too?
It is not about feminism. Its about justice and saving our brothers and sisters from being abused and living in misery. If it was a brother I would give the same answer.
I could understand if he apologised and said he will never do it again then sjhe can consider to forgive, but he is TELLING her will will sin further.
None has the right to abuse someone else. Allah has given us laws to follow to make our lives easier and to free us from abuse not to make women suffer. This is a strong reason for divorce! The husband is also phisically and emotionally abusing her. Or is that ok in your book? cheating is abuse. This is harmful to her as she can contract AIDS, HIV etc etc.
From Islam Q&A:
Praise be to Allaah.
I put this question to our Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen, and he answered as follows:
If a woman dislikes her husband’s treatment of her – for example, he is over-strict, hot-tempered or easily-provoked, or gets angry a lot, or criticizes her and rebukes her for the slightest mistake or shortcoming, then she has the right of khula’ [female-instigated divorce].
If she dislikes his physical appearance because of some deformity or ugliness, or because one of his faculties is missing, she has the right of khula’.
If he is lacking in religious commitment – for example, he doesn’t pray, or neglects to pray in jamaa’ah, or does not fast in Ramadaan without a proper excuse, or he goes to parties where haraam things are done, such as fornication, drinking alcohol and listening to singing and musical instruments, etc. – she has the right of khula’.
If he deprives of her of her rights of spending on her maintenance, clothing and other essential needs, when he is able to provide these things, then she has the right to ask for khula’.
If he does not give her her conjugal rights and thus keep her chaste because he is impotent (i.e. unable to have intercourse), or because he does not like her, or he prefers someone else, or he is unfair in the division of his time [i.e., among co-wives], then she has the right to ask for khula’.
And Allaah knows best.
Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen
Thanks for taking the effort to get a response from your shaikh.
Assuming that OP wants to build a divorce case against her husband in a Sharia court using the video, the question is if the video evidence ( remember there is no penetration) is good enough for her to establish in the court that her husband committed Zina so that she can get a divorce easily.
To put simply: can she get a divorce from her husband just on the basis of the video evidence in the Sharia court.
Assalam alaikum Br. J,
So when an OP is a female and admits her transgressions, you have no sympathy for such people.
YET,
When a man admits to his wife that he is sleeping with other women, you consider this a mere suspicion in sympathy towards the husband. Interesting.
You call me a feminist based on your "reasoning" and yet you are the one making gender biases.
Saba, how do you know I have no sympathy for her ? BTW,she has not posted a question to gain sympathies or be consoled but to get good unbiased advice, seems you are taking my comments too personally nowadays 🙂
When a man admits to his wife that he is sleeping with other women, you consider this a mere suspicion in sympathy towards the husband. Interesting
Its her word against him, will he admit the same in the Sharia courts, highly unlikely,also witness from women is not considered in Sharia courts when the crime is zina or fornication.
Brother J,
You have a short memory and should recall recent comments you have made.
Brother J:
Zina is not just penetration. A witness only needs to see the man and woman doing something intimate -- such as touching each other -- in order for there to be zina.
Otherwise, we would all be free to be sexual outside of marriage so long as there is no "penetration".
Salaams,
I think the strongest evidence in this situation is the fact that the husband ADMITTED to her that he is being unfaithful. An admission is proof of guilt, even by Shariah standards. At this point, it is no longer about suspicion or substantiation. She has a clear and valid reason to leave him, plain and simple, based strictly on that.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother J,
Have you ever lived in a Muslim country? Because I am pretty sure that oral sex captured on video would be legal grounds for divorce in any Shari'ah court in the world. The judge would certainly side with the wife in such a case...he is not going to tell her that she should simply ignore the tapes, and I really do not understand why you are advising a woman in this situation to stay with her husband when he has no remorse and may also end up infecting her with a disease. The type of logic you are using here is the same manipulative logic being used by the poster's husband...and no matter what any court on Earth says, the husband has admitted his wrongdoings to his wife directly, so there is really no question about whether he is actually cheating. I am truly perplexed as to what you are attempting to achieve through this discussion.
If oral sex with someone other than your wife was equal to Zina which is punishable by hadd (stoning to death), then contemporary scholars would have given fatwas and we would have laws on it. I have not found anything till date, have you?
Divorce, custody of children, financial liabilities all these are complex issues, I think it's inappropriate for me to advise her, she really needs to speak to experts in the field, I can only talk about the things I know.
I just have this opinion that before she takes the big decision, she should be involving her family, elders, imam or a scholar to seek advice.
,She has to go through the court proceedings to get her divorce., what her husband says in court is what matters..
It should be not misunderstood that I am in any way trying to defend the husband by this discussion, I am just opposed to the idea of rushing for separation without an attempt to reconcile. Haven't we all seen, heard or read how countless marriages on the brink of breakup got saved because of prompt counselling or one of the problem spouses repenting his/her sins and chose to rebuild their relations
And there are also countless other couples who divorced in the heat of moment and are full of remorse.
,The Messenger of Allah(pbuh) said: “Of the permitted acts(halal) the most hated to Allah is Divorce,” ( Abu Dawood )'
. Despite such persuasive and compelling narrations, we find that Muslim society today often takes divorce for granted.
Assalaamualaikam
Actually, there are several instances where scholars have concluded that having oral sex with someone other than your spouse would be considered zina. For example, I believe Sheikh Ahmad Kutty (from the Islamic Institute of Toronto) stated that would be the case.
I agree with you that divorce isn't something to be taken lightly, but looking at what the sister has gone through and learned, I don't think any of us could say that she would not have grounds to apply for divorce should she wish to do so. It wouldn't hurt, and might help, for her to speak with an imam, and maybe even try to get her husband to attend marriage counselling (with a therapist experienced in Islamic marriage); who knows, he may realise the error of his ways, inshaAllah.
However, here we are dealing with a man who has openly admitted cheating on his wife, exposing her to the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (may Allah protect her from this), and who has stated he has no intention of stopping his behaviour. Regardless of which way round the genders are, there are clearly some serious issues there, which if not addressed would most likely be considered valid grounds for divorce.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I agree with you Sister A. It does not necessarily has to be real zina. Her husband is a faasiq, and any form of fisq act is enough to get her divorced from him. In cases where he does not confess at the court, it could reach where the video will be needed to prove his fisq (NOT TO PROVE HIS ZINA).
Also, she mentioned that he continues to abuse her emotionally and physically- these are extra grounds for seeking divorce. Therfore in either way, she is still strong.
If she lives in a country where she could use only the abuse case to get divorced from him, then she should do that and avoid the video since it contains revealing aurah.
Note:
She would not be allowed to keep the video with her after the divorce Islamically, as it will not be halal for her to watch the aurah of others including that of her ex husband.
I think the grounds for divorce based upon adultery are pretty simple in this case: If in the USA, the video will be accepted as evidence for adultery. Penetration or not, any sex act between unmarried adults that is either photographed or taped is evidence. As for Islamic jurisprudence and the 4 witnesses....well the husband created the video of him and the other woman. While no penetration is evident, the fact that an illicit liasion is quite evident.. It was duly recorded by husband and can be forensically proven to belong to his account if need be.. Once the video is shown to the sharia court, all those individuals serving the court become the "pious witnesses". The husband records, they witness....end of story.
Brother J getting fired from Angry Young Sisters 🙂
I think as usual we are getting deviated from the actual topic here .
I say divorce him bc he will give you stds,if he cares for you he shouldn't have slept around