Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexual thoughts and feelings

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Assalamu Alikum,

I am a sister at a stage where I should be married. I have many strong thoughts and feelings, related sexually. My issue is that (1) I have problems trusting someone for marriage (2) hormonal problems with have resulted in a light facial and body hair. I am trying to control number 2 as best as I can, but I am depressed that no-one would be understanding as regarding this matter. In fact, I have had unkind comments that makes me want to never leave my home. I try to be independent but as of recently I find myself dismayed, and broken.

Eventually, in my state of depression, I committed horrible sins, that I wish I never even came across. Viewing and reading things of a sexual nature made my depression worst. And, now I can only think of ending this emotional torture. Please help me, anyway you can.

wintersprings

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32 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum sister,

    May Allah give you patience and keep you steadfast.

    It is common for people to look for a distraction when they are depressed or stressed. This distraction is alcohol for some, smoking for some others, drugs for some others and in the modern world, pornography for some people.

    Whether it is religiously moral or not is a question they tend to ignore for some time. This is the act of shaitan where he ordains them to disobey Allah, showing that there is peace in the act.

    It is for sure his deception, which only some people recognize, while some others leave the sin while doing it and some others fail in controlling themselves.

    Solution lies in Islam. It is in strengthening your connection with your Creator by trusting in Him and believng that your problems are a form of tests and trials from Him, to see whether you thank Him or you are of those who are ungrateful.

    This world is temporary and the Aakhirah is eternal. We should worry about that and bring ourselves back on track, whenever we seem to look for an immoral distraction.

    Now, concerning your second problem, you are allowed to remove the facial hair because that is not normal for women. Remove it by whatever means safer/better.

    The first problem is difficult to overcome. Trust is a major requirement in a marital relationship. You must try to find out the root of this problem. Find out what makes you not trust men. Make a list and look for solution. If you think we can help in finding solutions, then you can share the list here once you have worked on it, in sha Allah.

    May Allah Help you.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salaam sister.

    I am not a counsellor or a scholar or anything like that so please take what I say with a pinch of salt. Here is my 'take' on it.

    You say you have two main problems:
    1- Trusting someone for marriage
    2- Light facial and body hair.

    1 - As you haven't got into that I don't know why but you need to ask yourself why you find it hard to trust and deal with it from the root (whatever the cause is). It may be that your inability to trust is actually a blessing (it keeps you away from the opposite gender or from untrustworthy people) but you donn't want to let that affect your marriage later in life.

    2. You say the facial hair is light. First of all it is quite common, especially in asian cultures - or for women with darker hair to have some light body hair and even light facial hair so please do not over-worry about this - I know many many sisters who have either had this problem or still do. You usually cannot tell because of how they manage it (through hair removal such as waxing, threading, laser, electrolysis etc.)

    Secondly, the extra hair could have resulted from a hormone imbalance. Have you been tested for hormone levels and for polycystic ovarian syndrome (I know it sounds scary but 1/3 of women have it and it is simply an imbalance which can cause symptoms like extra hair growth, spots etc.) Ask your Dr if you can get tested and then you may be able to manage it through a pill (if your dr thinks you need it) or other methods.

    I have no conclusive research for this but I know that some people have said that following a low GI diet (so having more brown bread instead of white bread, less sugar etc) can help with reducing hair growth but it depends on the cause of your hair growth.

    I recommend going to the Drs and getting the hormone test (it should be a blood test) and if you need testing for PCOS your DR will tell you from your hormone test. Also do you have beautician or someone who can advise you the best hair removal method.

    There is shaving, waxing, threading.
    If you have more money for this laser hair removal is the most effective but it only works on dark hair. Electrolysis is good for light hair but it does take a long time (about a year) for hair to stop growing completely.
    Shaving can make hair look thicker. Waxing is good if you do it properly against the growth of the hair. If you can fidn someone who does it well the hair will get thinner and thinner.
    Get into the habit now and InshaAllah you'll find the hair decreases less and less. Some report that it can go altogether.

    Also look up remedy treatments: some have sworn by Bina Khan's Alum & rosewater tonic treatment which is home made (but check this out carefully - if you have sensitive skin you can run into some problems.)

    P.S. I researched all of this for uni project 2 years back but things have changed so please make sure you do research carefully. I cannot guarantee all info is correct.

    I also wanted to say: ignore what hurtful things people have said. They dont represent all people and just how some might mock you, others will love you. Let their words wash over you and know that you are beautiful. Ask Allah for help of course. Use this opportunituy to get close to Him, make lots of dua and may Allah swt give you the best spouse, beauty in your character, deen, heart and countenance and may He give you self confidence and happiness in this life and the next! For you and us all! Ameen

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. your symptoms are very much like those who suffer from polycystic ovarian disorder/syndrome. its a hormonal disorder in which the one who suffer produces male hormone called testosterone in large ratio to the female hormone estrogen. the reason behind coarse hair growth on the body, which is normally scarce in women. these are only the more visible symptoms. of those which are not very noticeable is high sex drive.

    I don't quite understand when you said I'm trying to control hormonal problem. You will need to see an endocrinologist who will get your blood test done to see exactly how severe it is and on the basis of that he will put you on the course of medicines that will control it. you will also see reduced facial hair growth after that. plz do not delay your visit to the specialist and plz.don't think a gynaec will be able to help you. sadly the medical profession has become very commercial and they don't direct you to the specialist if you don't know about them and will pretend to treat you with medicines with their limited knowledge in the subject.

    is a very common problem now as more cases of pcos are being reported day by day. If not treated it could worsen and you will also have trouble in natural conception after marriage. I am a lay person and have limited knowledge because my friend also suffered of the similar problem. so I read a little bit about it but don't worry about the hair growth. you must have heard about laser treatment of permanent hair removal process. you can do that after your course completes. many dermatologists perform this procedure these days. you can talk to your endocrinologist about it before you do it.

    You can very well control your sexual urge by making a conscious effort of not thinking about them and avoiding whatever source is available to you that makes you crave for it. part of taqwa is to keep not just your actions clean but also your thoughts purified. keep yourself busy in learning more about your disease so you get better idea to deal with it. that will prepare you before you meet the specialist and you will know what questions to ask your doc when you meet him and what is the exact nature of your condition, what to expect etc. Also read some good biographies. Read about the life of our beloved prophet and his struggles. in shaa Allah it will inspire you greatly.

    engage in worship and remembrance of Allah. the first step towards any sin is the thought of doing it. so I repeat again... keep your thoughts clean.

  4. Salam,

    Sister please if you are seeking some kind of treatment for the hair, try natural medicine first. It may be helpful. Other than that, don't worry about it. You are definitely not the only sister with light hair on their face. It is very common and is not a problem.

  5. Wa'alaykumsalam,

    I thought that 'light facial and body hair' for women is something good and nice, I thought they'd be happy about it because I've heard a lot of women do waxing etc to rid their facial and body hair, I never knew that it could be a reason for depression o.O or am I unaware of how exactly women view facial and body hair ?.

    Regarding your trust issues for marriage, I have exactly the same problem. I told my families, extended families etc to halt searching for potential wife due to this serious issue I'm facing. I don't have any solutions yet, and I pray to Allah to help me overcome this issue with appropriate solutions.

    • Hehe...no, facial and body hair is not a very positive thing for a woman. I guess most women feel the most feminine when they are smooth and hair-free - and it's not a fun task at all to wax and shave, actually.

  6. Sister, the hair problem can be dealt with to an extend where it will significantly improve your quality of life. Really. As others have mentioned, you need to be examined by your doctor first to conclude if you suffer from PCOS (which I'm pretty sure you do). As Apple Green says, do NOT go to a gynaechologist! My best friend did that twice, and all she ever got out of the gyno was a perscription to birth control pills. That's it.

    I would not really recommend you to deal with PCOS with medication at all, though, because once you go off of it, your problems will just appear again. You might need some medication if you want to have kids some day, but as long as you're not trying for a baby, I'd say just focus on fixing the hair issue. My best friend suffers from PCOS and excess hair growth and she has her facial hair laser removed. It's incredible what difference it has made on her - I was so impressed that she even made me decide to get my legs and armpits lasered for comfort reasons, and the laser really is very, very effective! It is kind of expenssive, but...some girls spend lots of money on clothes or shoes or dining out...this can just be your splurge, I guess :). Oh, and please only go to a doctor for laser treatments, because you don't want some random person, who doesn't know what she's doing, burning your skin!

    By the way, blonde women are actually more hairy than dark-haired women are - but since the hairs are blonde, they're not as visible to the eye as black hairs are. The bad thing about blonde hair is that it cannot get lasered off...so I guess us darkheads are of an advantage in terms of laser hair removal :).

    • hey adina, salam
      actually the idea of procrastinating the treatment is bad. the thing is in this disorder the eggs which release every month fail to release from the ovaries and instead watery cysts clog the ovarian sac hence the name polycystic. If it isn't treated it worsen although sadly there is no cure, but just to prevent it from worsening treatment should be taken. those who ignore it not only suffer from menstrual problems like excessive bleeding and no bleeding for months on end but the body hair growth also worsen and laser treatment doesn't effect such people. their hair grows back. plus they have a high chance of getting diabetes at younger age and obesity. their hair starts thinning and their skin condition also worsens. acne, darkened patchy skin etc are some common skin problems. their varies are so full of unreleased eggs or cysts that the sacs get bloated even further and can become a major cause for cancer. so keeping in mind so many dangerous risks that anyone suffering from pcos can put herself if left untreated we can be sure that this won't exactly be a good idea.

      but maybe its not pcos at all. maybe its just our assumption. let us pray for the sister until she gets herself examined for it.

      btw you are right about stressing on the fact that laser should only be performed by a dermatologist.

      • I think it depends on the extent of PCOS. I am no Dr but some ladies are given treatment and others aren't. And there are varying degress of PCOS - in other words sometimes it can be very very mild where there is just a bit of imbalance and other times it can be more severe. I dont know about the cancer risk so I cannot comment on that. In more severe cases, it can lead to delayed menstruation (some women with it severely only menstruate a few times a year!) In other cases women can have small changes and still have regular menstrual cycle.

        There is actually a difference between PCOS and a hormone imbalance. One can have a hormone imbalance without polycystic ovaries, but usually they test the hormones first and then check to see if there are cysts (growths on the ovaries). They do this using an ultrasound to look at the ovaries (same as what pregnant women have done.) If they find both the hormone imbalance (extra testosterone and FAI) and the growths on the ovaries then PCOS is diagnosed. FAI is a hormone which makes skin and hair.

        The actually growths on the ovaries (polycystic) arent harmful but they produce the hormones (that was what the research said when I did my project but again it might have change.d) It can also be more difficult to conceive - it might take longer but many women still do. As long as you stay a good healthy weight it should be possible.

        • @ Sara
          ok I thought if it is mild and the woman is just hairy then it isn't called pcos. it is pcos because it is about polycystic ovaries. sadly my sister and my best friend both suffer from this disorder.. and yes its true about cancer. just put in search what happens if pcos is not treated and you will see the list of problems that negligence will trigger. you are right that there may be mild cases too but that will also be determined once the test is done.

          I only hope this sister doesn't have it and she is just hairy. may Allah protect all.

    • I agree with Sister Adina,

      Do NOT take birth control pills--that is what doctors will give you. It will make you feel worse and the side effects are horrible.

      I have suffered from PCOS and alhumdulillah I never took any medication but followed a very wise homomeopathic doctor (May Allah grant him Jannat-ul-firdous). If you can find a homoeopathic doctor that is licensed and has a very good reputation, do that. There was no side effect to his medication and most of my symptoms are gone.

      Laser is the way to go for the hair removal--add up the time to wax/electrolysis (damages ur skin)/threading and the cost for skin products, it is more effective and financially efficient to do Laser--plus ur skin will feel way better.

      As for your thoughts--Br. Abu Abdul Bari gave very good advice.

      Sister constantly do dhikr and whenever your mind begins negative thinking--focus on controlling ur thoughts. If you can't control ur thoughts, busy it with dhikr and focusing on Allah swt. Strengthen your bond with Allah swt.

      Get married--go through the correct means to do so and you will have to work with ur trust issues as not being married will create other problems for you.

      May Allah ease your difficulties and grant you a pious loving husband. Ameen.

      • I'm glad homeopathy worked for you maybe my sis and my friend should also consider that option. its been over a month and my friend is still bleeding. she got her periods after 8 months. Both have stopped visiting their endocrinologists after the birth of their kids thinking they don't need them anymore. their problem has worsened now.

        • Finding a good homeopathic doctor isn't always easy because some people only claim they are homeopathic doctors by reading a few books. This doctor never took a penny from me until I showed improvement. He never doubted that my symptoms would go away and he told me all the time to put full trust in Allah with respect to any illness and Alhumdulillah, he was right.

          I forgot to mention I also regularly took Nigella sativa (Kalongi) early morning before any breakfast with room temperature water--and I am not sure, but I heard that there are many remedies in taking Kalongi. (According to a hadith narrated by Abu Hurairah, he says, "I have heard the Messenger of Allah, saying that the black granules (kalonji) is the remedy for all diseases except death.") In addition to this, the doctor recommended to eat one date a day as well.

          I had a very severe case of PCOS to the point that I had no menstrual cycle for 6 months or more. Alhmdulillah, my symptoms are gone--the doctors think it is a miracle. I don't know if it will work for someone else, but if it helps anyone out, I would be more than happy.

          • Mashallah !! indeed its a miracle that your symptoms are gone and yes I had heard about the Hadith on Nigella seeds. I'm glad you mentioned it. I had almost forgotten. I don't know about others but ill surely start taking it as a sunnah. jazak Allah khair sis.

          • As Salam ale Kum dear could you please email me the details on ********, I am having the same prob of PCOS. If you could help me please.
            JazaKAllah Khair

          • We do not allow posting private contact info, sorry.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Aoa....sister will u plzzz tell me the country or city where u live....if in pakistan then plzz tell me the name and adress of that endocrinologist...

    • I started using a medication (forget the name) in 2007 for my pcos-related symptoms including oily skin, facial hair and acne and weight gain. I gradually went off in 2008, and my symptoms never came back.

      Sometimes the meds help regulate your body chemistry, on a permanent basis. I had been suffering from the symptoms for almost 15 years.

      Also, metformin helps too -- and it also regulates your monthly cycle.

  7. Sister, for your second problem I saw an add on TV for this tiny handheld machine called NoNo that takes your hair off your face easily, maybe you check it out? 🙂 insh Allah then you will be feeling fine about your beautiful face.
    salams

    • 1 NoNo device costs anywhere from 2 to 3 x the cost of one laser treatment (so you could use that money for at least 2/3 laser treatments). Laser treatment, by professionals not those working from their homes (sorry I wouldn't recommend this unless you really know the person will not burn your skin), improves the skin quality (as per my experience) and 2 to 3 sessions will have a drastically improved result, inshaAllah.

      I have used NoNo and it was so difficult to use--it works well for flat surfaces (so not great for the face!) and it is very very time-consuming and not very effective unless you do not have a lot of hair growth (which is kind of defeating the purpose).

  8. Dear WinterSprings,

    Don't batter yourself up about the feelings you had. It is natural for a woman to want intimacy - its human nature. But do not let yourself go by falling into reading and watching haraam. It will not give you any peace as you yourself know first hand. That is not the type of fulfillment you want, you want it in a halaal way through marriage. Many women are in similar situations, where they are of age but are no way near married - unfortunately.

    I do not know what your situation is sister, but are you making an effort to find a suitable husband? In'sha'Allah you are. Also, try not to isolate yourself unless you are doing something useful, like meditating, praying etc. Keep good company, keep talking, occupy yourself with good friends and family and push yourself to your fullest potential in deen, in hobbies, in keeping fit etc.

    With regards to facial hair - yes it can be very upsetting and is a big confidence killer. It is not always necessarily a hormonal problem, in which case there is not much you can do about it apart from remove it. Find the best method that suits your skin, make sure you do your full research though as there are lots of people out there ready to gobble up your money. If your hair is light, laser will not work, although you can go for a consultation. If you can afford to do so, get electrolysis done from a reputable place, it is the only permanent hair removal system. If you cannot afford this, go for threading or waxing. Facial hair can be very disabling (emotionally), but you can find a way to tackle it in'sha'Allah.

    In'sha'Allah whoever you marry will not be so fickle that he will be frightened off by a few hairs. Seriously, men have their insecurities too. Which country do you live in sister? If you live in the UK, I can recommend a some good therapists for your hair issue.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. dont take PCOS lightly.it has long term health effects including diabetes and cancer of womb.
    also some hair growth is because of high androgen levels ( male hormones). if a doctor is prescribing a medication like contraceptive pills it will not only help with hair growth but also protect your womb.

    Adina Mohammed- dont say comments that you dont know the basis or benefits of. like DONOT see a gynaecologist as they will give only birth control pills. if you dont have information or knowledge then please refrain from such comments as many sisters may not take the advise of their doctor which are in their best interest

    PCOS- either you have it or you dont. thereis nothing like mild or severe PCOS

    dear sisters i have atteched a link to patient information regarding PCOS from Royal College of Obstetrician and Gynaecologist.UK

    if this link doesnot work .you can visit the website directly. http://www.rcog.org.uk

    http://www.rcog.org.uk/womens-health/clinical-guidance/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-what-it-means-your-long-term-health

    • Definitely a person with PCOS should consult a doctor - but I wouldn't recommend jumping into taking birth control pills--many of those pills have side effects (breast pain, tenderness, or swelling brown, blotchy spots on exposed skin dizziness headache increased or decreased interest in sexual intercourse
      nausea swelling of ankles and feet unusual tiredness or weakness vomiting weight gain or loss, blood clots). Some doctors jump into prescribing medication and when a person is taking more than one type of medication, they have have further implications (maybe u already know as you may be a doctor). I would also suggest talking to a pharmacist in detail as they tend to have very in-depth knowledge of medication.

      As for severe vs mild case of pcos, this is a matter of semantics. We can say patients have varying degrees or varying symptoms--regardless, i know the symptoms changed and what i meant by the severity had more to do with the type of symptoms.

      What I can say in my case is that I was told many things by the doctors including I would never have children unless I followed their instructions, took the prescribed medication and so on and so forth--Alhumdulillah, that medication wasn't needed. I am not saying a person should do what I say--as I said earlier, I am reluctant to normally share this information--but I do not think we should be LIMITED to only think that birth control pills will solve the problem. Another friend of mine has PCOS and is taking a lot of medication (Metformin I believe, it has been over a year) and her symptoms are are not better . I am sure there are cases of women who show improvement with certain medication, but I have seen patients who have suffered further with medication and those flourish without it too--so a person should educate themselves regarding their sickness/symptoms, explore more than one option, then come up with a plan.

      InshaAllah, hope it works out for this sister.

  10. For PCOS, I have been battling this for years. You have to treat it, they say there is no cure for it but I don't believe it. I believe diet is a big part in your health and so is exercise. Don't go on birth control because you don't want to be on this forever and the side effects are not very good. I generally stay away from medicine unless I am forced to go on it.

    There is this 30 day healing for the body that some people have been doing for a couple of years that has good success for PCOS (this woman even claims that it cured her PCOS). I read this book called "It Starts With Food" by Melissa and Dallas Hartwig and they have a challenge that for 30 days you eat nothing but vegetables, clean meat (not processed), fruits, nuts and seeds and stay away from legumes (beans), dairy, processed foods, added sugar, etc. I have read success stories about this so I recommend reading the book or even going on their website http://www.whole9life.com and change your relationship with food. It may not cure PCOS but it can be a start of taking control of our health for Allah's sake.

    For the sexual thoughts and feelings, whenever a thought comes into your head just ignore it. When you have those sexual feelings just try your best to ignore it because if you don't do that you will keep feeling this way and you will feel very guilty. Just keep praying to Allah that He gives you a good husband who will love you the way you are and understand your medical problem and support you. Don't give up hope, you are in my prayers as well.

    • Sister Pepper,

      I agree wholeheartedly. For the short time that I believed the doctors and took the medicines they prescribed, I experienced severe depression, shortness of breath, and generally did not feel well. I also do not take medication, unless I absolutely have to--otherwise I try to explore other possibilities through research and education.

      My mother, unfortunately, was on so many different medication and I found it mostly created more problems as either the medication would clash or create another side effect--after seeing her suffer so much it made me think that other options should be explored and never give up on feeling better inshaAllah.

      • Medicine worked for me in the case of my OCD but the withdrawal symptoms that I would get would be horrible! It was like I was being hit by lightning every time I took a step forward! That was the day when I made the decision to not go on depending on medicine forever.

        It is very simple to take charge of your health.
        1. Pray regularly
        2. Eat healthy (fruits and veggies, meat, fish, etc.)
        3. Drink lots of water
        4. Exercise
        5. Be around positive people.

        The problem is that it takes serious discipline to do these things but imagine what we could change by doing these simple little things on a daily basis.

  11. There are many young Muslim brothers and sisters who are in this situation. This is no easy situation to deal with, but the Messenger of Allah (S) has given us the solution: lowering the gaze and fasting. This solution is effective when implemented strictly. If someone fasts every other day, eats moderately, and lowers the gaze, he or she will be able to spend the whole life without marrying.

    However, the problem is often the parents who do not allow their children to fast. Moms always want us to eat. It is often not possible to explain to moms and dads why we want to fast. Even if you indirectly tell them, they pretend that this struggle is nothing. They think that you can eat and enjoy, and you would still be able to control your urges easily. This attitude from parents is so frustrating! They neither get us married nor do they allow us to fast, yet they assume that their children will miraculously stay away from sins. May Allah have mercy on our parents.

  12. Her problem is testosterone. High levels of testosterone can give strong sexual urges to a woman plus body and facial hair.

    She needs to be treated for the problem that is causing high levels of testosterone.
    There may be drugs that can block the effects of testasterone

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