Desperate struggle between religion and sexual desires
First I need to tell you about my life and what brought me to the stage I'm at now.
I was born in India and I moved to Bahrain at a young age. I was a mischievous child who was very much into Islam as my parents are highly religious. I used to learn Duas by heart from my grandmother and enlighten others on what little knowledge that I had. I was a perfectionist in religion and its codes and ethics. I started fasting and praying salah from the age of four with no compulsion, just because I wanted to.
In spite of this, I was not the best of children when I was young. At the age of 9 I moved back to India and stayed there for 2-3 years where I was a stubborn kid, who hated being told what to do - except in the case of religion, where I was meticulous.
I moved back to Bahrain after my stay in India and was bullied immensely because at that time I had severe dandruff and was a bit overweight. I had to seek solace and companionship from the worst kids in the year. They introduced me to porn and although at the age of 12 I hadn't reached puberty, I was sent explicit content through Facebook which I could not make any heads or tails of. My parents caught me looking at this explicit content and as a result I was shunned and hated by my parents.
Slowly they forgot all about it, as I was on my best behavior thereafter and we moved to the UK when puberty was arising. To tell you the truth, I did not understand a word the English were saying and as a result I lagged behind in my studies but I was determined to get ahold of what they were saying and analyzed and dissected all the spoken words and made them understandable in my own way. I recorded conversations with my friends and researched words I did not understand. Slowly, I became fluent in the 'slang' they used but to some extent I was absolutely astonished as most of the words my friends used were extremely derogatory and are frowned upon in modern society.
I, being a very religious person, tried to make them understand about the usage of words and their exposure to porn. I tried to preach about it but it was in vain. However, subconsciously I was slowly becoming like them. As the usage of these words and insults were apparent at the time, I slowly started to use them and asthaghfirullah I called this guy's mother a whore which ended up in a fight. What I said that day, still haunts me to this day.
Slowly I started leaving salah and started being like my friends, and even tried marijuana once. I started having girlfriends and went as far as stripping my girlfriend bare, however I had to stop at that even though my sexual instincts were arising as I felt Allah watching my every move.
After that, whenever I went for sex, I thought about Allah and started to shudder. Mashallah, I'm still a virgin but I don't know how long I can keep this as I have a very high sex drive. The only solution for me is to get married but that is not advisable as I'm only 16. So, one time I was dared by my friends to go to a classmate of mine and stroke her hair and I started feeling up her private parts and she scratched and screamed but I never let go until my friends had to pull me to one side. That day I have no idea what came over me but it was horrendous. This is at the age of 15, by the way.
I started being addicted porn. Believe me I could not even go straight for 5 hours without masturbating because of my high sex drive. My life was in complete ruins. My grades were awful, my parents found out about my secret Facebook account that consisted of my vulgar words usage (no respect to women) and they were thrown off.
My parents didn't let me go out of my house, so in frustration I pranked them by leaving a letter in my room that I was running away from home with a girl who has AIDS. My parents, after I left the house, called my friend who told them that I was at the cinema. They came there and took me to the house.
I'm 16 now and I don't know what to do. I tried apologizing after the Facebook incident and then I repeated the letter incident. I have no idea what to do.
This Ramadan I've started praying and reading the Quran (I've had a sheikh from when I was young) and all that. I don't know what to do. They've now enrolled me in a boarding school in India and it starts in September, but I really want to change and have a positive impact on the people around me and stay in the UK and be a positive influence. When I started school in the UK I created a prayer hall for all the Muslims in my school to pray. Only 2 of the 100s of Muslims came to pray with me and slowly they left me alone, and I've now lost more faith in myself than faith in religion.
I feel like killing myself, please help me!!!!!!! I cannot live like this anymore. I don't know what to do. Everyday my parents tell me off and as a result I only stay up in my room without going outside. It's been 5 days since I've seen their face.
- karimsaleh
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assalamalaikum
u r a girl or a boy ?
you write puberity virgin so many times it confuses
pls reply
regards
Assalaamualaikam
It is said many times in the Quran that Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Human hearts at times seem to have a finite ability to forgive, but we can always put our faith in Allah, that He will accept sincere repentence and remorse.
It may be hard to do, but try to live your life from now, leaving the past in the past - sincerely repent your sins, take steps to avoid ever repeating them, and move forward in life with the aim of striving every day to become a better person.
Apologise to your parents, and seek ways to regain their trust. Be extra careful that your language and behaviour are respectful and appropriate, and accept that it will take time for them to feel able to trust you fully - with time you will be able to rebuild things, inshaAllah.
There are many questions on this website about masturbation, and you might find it helpful to read these posts and try the advice given to help you stop this. It might also help to move any computers or TVs into public areas of the house, as this would remove the temptation to look at things online which could stir up unwanted lust. If you still feel the urge, think about it this way: Allah is watching - if you wouldn't do something in front of your mother, don't do it in front of Allah.
Look at things in your life that are leading you to sin or promoting unhealthy urges, and remove them. Stop associating with people who disobey Islamic teachings and are encouraging your sinful behaviours. If you use social media for unIslamic purposes, close your accounts, or change your password to a random sequence that you can't remember so you can't use it again. Do you listen to music that has misogynistic or obscene lyrics, or watch films/TV shows that contain unIslamic material? If so, get rid of it and replace it with Islamically appropriate activities.
Turn to Allah and offer sincere repentence. He is Most Merciful, and loves us all. May he help you return to the straight path and resist temptation.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Mate u need sum proper help to help you cum over this. Like u said and u also no god is with u n watching over but still you couldn't overcum this force that is over you. I think you need to go to ur local mosque n c if u can hava heart to heart . I personally think its a phase u r going through. U sound like a bright young man who obviously nos what importance Allah (pbuh) has in your life and you are trying hard to get to ths right path. This is life teaching u right frm wrong, you will not no the importance of the gift of life and the hereafter until god has tought u how to cross these hurdles. Life is not easy, you are still very young but even at this early age you are aware of the wrong you are doing which is a good thing. God has chosen you a path, try ur best, pray and learn all these life lessons even if they are wrong, witness them, understand them.......only then you arise ubove the rest and truely no what god is, what gods understanding is and his teachings. People think yeh, keep away frm haram and dont think bad n dont act bad.........but........this is the lesson of life, to go through thiz and make u the man you are, a man of god. Keep ur chin up, pray, read quran and learn lifes lessons. To other pople out there that will have a comment to say on my opinion, yes, thats what it is, my opinion!! God puts us thro so much to test us. We get stronger as we learn life day by day, as our knolowege and experience becomes apparent, thats when we realise why we are here and only then wr realize ture Allah (pbuh) and only then Allah (pbuh) will realize us, unconditionally. Dont be afraid. This is life as we no it.
m/s Kareem saleh
slam alykum
dear kareem saleh as your age said 16 you can be my daughter or son , however let me explain this to you , first of all keep this in your mind that Islam is not extremism , as we see ,and practice specialy in your part of the word , i mean India , where the sex seems to be unlawfull and we think its a sin , of course this will be count as sin if we go out of the islamic law , otherwise the same sin will be convert in worship and prayer , our problem is that we only feel this is sin and never even dicuss the subject , so keep the knowledge hiding from chiderns of your age lead the person in the same direction as you stand , dont worry relax ,,,, see kareem almighty Allah created this kayenat , which has some meanings you will be better understand when you read holly Quran with its meaning in your langauage , open your mind learn more about sex on internet instesd of going on porn site go to http://www.ask.com and put your any unsoluted question , about sex . insha'Allah you will gain the knowledge will ease your tensions , Here i advise you to recite suratal waqeaya with its meaning , every day , and keep fast in the name of Allah at least 2 days in a week , check your diet must be low potency , which will lower your high drive , and discuss the positive knowlegde of sex with your friends , please keep me remember in your prayers'" wama alyna ilil blagh ul mubeen'" need more assistance please find me on the face book with thI is name RUAZ HUSSAUN
Assalaamualaikam
It might be better for people to use resources which are endorsed by their local health service or to discuss the matter with a trusted adult (ideally a parent). The problem with sites such as the one you mention is that anyone can post on them, so the information may be inaccurate or obscene.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
midnightmoon
slamalykum ! i don't know to call you brother or sister ,but however thank you very much that you have gone through, may Allah bless you , my dear that person karim saleh alresdy expose to the media , i just want to chnage his mind direction throu the same media , and the resouce has been used there is no better source then quran e kareem , more over the parents are conservataive like us , he can not discucc if the parents or he could discuss , the matter they would have discussed this earlier , and he should not face the problems , more over masha'Allah you are holding editor post , you take chance and visit the site your self , because i beleive that that media is so strong can not qote wrong answer because use thousand of thousand people avery day , i may request you to improvise our self in positive way living living in 2013 and qoting of fifteen years back , it should be qote but with the role modle available around , think !!! i beg apology if gone wrong
AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother KarimSaleh,
I just wanted to add to the good advice already going here. It seems to me that the problem started with your friends. It is really important that no matter who you try to help and influence in a good way, the people who help you (your confidants) are pillars of strength and share your beliefs. You absolutely must choose your friends more wisely. They will support you in being the kind of person you want to be. Then you will be more effective in helping the people you want to help. The people you want to help will follow you instead of you following them. When they follow your way, then they can be your friends.
Although you may have some communication barriers with your parents, they may be aware that your current influences are the problem, and that is why they are sending you to the boarding school in India. If they haven't changed their minds about it, try to embrace it as an opportunity to start new. At the new school you can be selective, Insha'Allah. You have to be careful with yourself young Brother. Realize that you have a purpose and defend it by making the wise decisions you are capable of making. It is already September, so I hope you had a chance to make a mends with your parents before leaving. If you haven't left, please try to do that- not just because it is the right thing to do, but because it will strengthen you. It will be the first very good deed on your path to many more good deeds-and months down the road you will feel very happy that you tried to make things right with your parents.
If you stay in UK, please follow the advice of some of the other posters. Go to the local mosque. Speak to the Imam. Tell him about your troubles. Tell him you are looking for mentor/s. I think there are many brothers in their early/mid 20s who have experienced what you are experiencing and would love to have very open conversations with you. I think if they are young they will be able to understand and relate to the cultural pressures you are facing. Masha'Allah, you have a good mind. Bring your focus back to your studies. Bring your heart back to submission to Allah in Islam, and see what Allah has in store for you Insha'Allah.
your Sister
Cure Porn Addiction with Ayat-ul-Kursi- A verse of The Quran http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM9gfn8GL5I
Block Adult/Porn websites without any software for FREE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVW-lFssQeM
Watch them & follow the instructions,you would be cured , Insha-allah.