Very jealous/suspicious of how my wife acts and behaves.
How to deal with jealousy?
Assalam o alikum brothers and sisters
Afridi here,
i want to share my story with u pplz for help.
me and wife has been married since nine years and having two kids (male) of age 8 and 5 and iam so possessive by nature . our affair was started when she was 18 years of age and i was 22 , i have established physical relation with her b4 marriage but i was so desperate to marry with her just because i have touched her.
i wanted to protect her , i wanted her to be safe as she is a single child of her family with mentally disabled mother and her father (late) was also used to beat her when she was young.
after my entrance into her life she started loving me crazily , as she is not that pretty with very unattractive physique i rarely felt physical attraction in her but i tried my best satisfy her sexually always.. but truely we had very few happy moments in our past life , just because i have started doubting on her even b4 marriage. and she was not that clever to defend her properly . or i can say she wasnt able to clear doubts from my mind ( i doubted her becuz i know the story of her disabled mother who used to talk on fone with other man).
cutting short , i always discouraged her , tortured her mentally ,as well as tortured myself mentally , but i always believed that she will never cheat on me .
we used to spend 7 years in our house but due to some reason we have shifted to a flat and there we have established good relation with our neighboring family. after few months i have started to notice that my wife started to keep her cell fone with her always.
one night i see her messaging that she usually not use to do .. on inquiring she refuses but after 2 days she confessed that she is having cellular contact with neighboring guy ..i behaved rudely and told her see u proved my doubts.. and she said that she was feeling so gud because that guy was giving her care .. but she plead me not to divorce her.
i didnt divorce her but kept continue my rude behavior with her.. after 3 days i found a composed msg (unsent probably due to shortage of credit) in her cell in which she was pleading that guy not to discontinue msgng with her and offering him to come to out flat in the morning time when iam outa home.. when i read that msg i got furios and gave her one more divorce on the spot ( one divorce i gave to her 1 month b4 during a heating argument due to family matter) and took my kids away from her and spent that night in my relatives house.
cutting short , we reunited after she took oath on Quran e Pak that she never let any1 to touch her and she had no physical affair .. but she was so ashamed of her act that she got migraine pain ... after a 6 months when our life was became normal , i read a unsent msg in her cell in which she was offering my cousin (who is 7 years younger then her) that she will send him mobile credit later , when i enquired about it she told me that yes my cousin called her and disconnect the call because he is short of a balance..
again i got furious becuz i was not fully recovered from that past wound, but she continusly argued that this time she is not having any bad intentions, but as her bad image was fixed in my mind , i hardly believed her , i asked her not to use her cell fone and she throw away her cell fone in toilet ,
now i have become so sensitive regarding clearing my mind towards her , plz guide me what should i do...
Afridi.
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Let me see if I have everything you posted straight:
1. You had a relationship prior to marriage with your wife so married her because you touched her.
2. You admit to being possessive.
3. You doubted her before marriage because her mother spoke on the phone with a man.
4. You "always discouraged her" and "tortured her mentally"
5. You believed she would never cheat on you though #4 applies to your marriage.
6. She gravitated to a neighbor who showed her kindness, admitted this to you, begged for forgiveness
7. Though #6 applies, you continue your "rude behavior with her"
8. You admit to not being attracted to your wife.
When a person feels tortured and discouraged with regularity, especially one who was abused as a child, it is not unusual for them to gravitate toward anyone who shows them a bit of kindness. Perhaps that is why she let you touch her before marriage...because you showed her some kindness. You said you wanted to protect her and make her feel safe, but you haven't done that at all. You've just continued to abuse by discouraging and mentally torturing her. So in essence, your wife went from an abusive home to an abusive marriage. I'm thinking that you are not the victim here. Do you realize that when a person feels so unloved, they can be easily manipulated by others who show them kindness? Perhaps your neighbor saw this weakness in her and decided to play her. The same with your cousin who may be trying to take advantage of her for money. You may have thought you were marrying her for the right reasons, but your behavior toward her has been very cruel according to your post. Instead of continuing your rude behavior with her, you should treat her with kindness and give her the protection and safety you originally intended. That way she won't feel compelled to find acceptance and love from others who very well may take advantage of her.
AOA,
Dear brother Afridi,
The main problem here is that, you are hurting her a lot by not loving her and stressing her. The worst thing that one human being can do to another is mental stress. Words hurt more them fists. You are just very suspicious by nature, you have to let her breath a little. Most men always jump to the conclusion. The reason for that is because only think about intercourse. But women are programed differently, thing do not happen that fast. Do remember that you can not trust your cousin, you have to trust your wife.
In this situation even if its not your fault, you should go to her and apologize. The person that forgives is always the bigger person. This will clear up the issue and love her more. Give her a lot of happiness. I am sure this will clear up your droughts.
I have a similar issue with my wife, but i kept calm, and when i looked closely noting had happened, i was the milk man that was tiring to hit on my wife. Even if there was an affair, i would have forgiven her. It was my fault that i was not being considerate of her and she need some one to talk to and the milk man tried to take advantage of the vulnerable person.
We men are quick to point fingers and oppress. Take it one step at a time and Allah will help you.
Yasir
i cant believe this reply is from a brother! if only all men understood it as you have.
may Allah bless your marriage and place love and mercy between you and your wife.ameen.
thx lyda, and yasir bro for ur kind responses , you when one feels alone and depressed ,the words of courage usually gives him feeling much more relaxation, JazakAllah
Salaams,
Brother, I have to admit that this is a textbook case of "taking the beam out of your own eye before removing the speck from someone else's". Let me just make it real simple for you:
It's not your wife's fault you have trust issues, it's yours.
It's not your wife's fault you are jealous, it's yours.
It's not your wife's fault that you are suspicious all the time, it's yours.
It's not your wife's fault you have a short temper and react to things before thinking them through, it's yours.
I can say all of that because you had these personality traits and tendencies before you even met her. You had this nafs from the day you were born, and in failing to manage it before you married you are now dealing with yourself but blaming her for who you are. You need to put the blame where it is due- which is on yourself.
I can tell by the way you talk about your wife that you don't have a very high opinion of her now. Even though you were talking past-tense, you are still using present tense wording by saying she IS unattractive physically. You even berate her intelligence by describing her as "not that clever". Brother, even if someone is not ideal in their beauty or intelligence, there is no need to even mention these things in the manner you have. It seems you have a very low opinion of her, and out of that perception you treat her poorly.
Quite honestly, if your wife had written in and asked us what she should do being married to a man who verbally and emotionally abuses her, and she is worried about being tempted to be with someone else (or even if she didn't have that aspect going on), we would most likely advise her to divorce her husband if he isn't willing to change and treat her like the queen she is.
The bottom line is, the situation with your wife changing depends solely on you changing the way you are as a husband. If you can't or won't do that, then she does't deserve you. If she's not willing to pursue a divorce herself, then I would suggest you give her one (in kindness, not in anger) so she can find a husband who will treat her well, and you can have all the time you need to examine and improve yourself. It's better to do that than continually put her in a position of temptation, if that's in fact what is going on. I truly believe if you were a devoted and caring husband to her, and worked on your insecurities, you would see a woman who "loves you crazily" just like in the beginning.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamu Alaikum,
Couldnt of said it any better myself Sister Amy.
Mashallah, May you always speak your mind, regardless of opinions. You do have a great way with words, I am sure that after that response, Brother Afridi, will make haste to change, rather abruptly.. Insha Allah.
Lots of love, 🙂
Just passing through..
Dear Brother ,
I am a non-muslim but believe in whatever I read in your replies. They are so thoughtful and energise an agitated mind. I am so impressed I am getting so many answers to my problems and life.
I am so happy with your answer , How you have made me realise with this answer, I always think the problem is from the other side and not me. Hazar Salaams , I will take all my future guidances from such wonderful point of view like the one you gave.
Good day.
Mohan
Dear Brother,
I am so influenced with your answer, you have the word power to transform minds. You are blessed to give such answers. I found peace and happiness after reading your answer. I am still searching for peace and will value your view so dearly.
regards
mohan