Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Thinking About Divorce after Catching my Husband Flirting with Women

Dear Reader,

Asalamalaykum.  My situation is very complicated and therefore I feel that I need to explain things that happened in the past which lead up to the point I am at right now.  Before saying anything, I accept that I have made huge mistakes in my life and I feel that everything that is happening in my life is probably a consequence of my actions.

To start with I was a practicing Muslim girl raised very traditionally in a religious family where my parents stressed the importance of religion and education all our lives.  I had made some poor decisions in the past in terms of talking to a few different guys on the internet/telephone.  During university I had the chance of going for Hajj with my parents (Alhamdolillah) and it was truly amazing.  Afterwards, I made a promise with myself to stop talking with guys on the internet.  However, one of my good friends who called me sister introduced me to his brother and we started to talk a lot.  There were also a lot of very decent proposals coming for me through my family because I was almost graduating and it was ‘time’ for me to get married.  I got scared and refused them.  I can’t say I know what happened but there were a lot of warning signs that I unfortunately saw but didn’t take heed of at the time.  He was controlling, called me every free second of the day and expected me to do the same; he put me down constantly etc.  I can say I honestly don’t know why I kept talking to him…one thing lead to another and we decided to meet.  We both flew to a different country to meet up with the excuse of a school trip.  Before going he kept saying that we should get married.  Once we arrived we got married the first day that we met, in secret.  I can honestly say I don’t know why I did it.  Everything happened so fast and it was obviously a bad decision.  Anyways we spent the week or so together and then went back home.

Back home, in the West, he kept pushing me to talk to my parents about meeting a guy on my trip and to tell them that we want to get married.  I mustered up the courage to talk to my parents one day and their reaction was extreme.  They did not know that I was already married but they started to pick me up from school every single day…once I graduated they refused to let me work, took away my cell, my cd player/radio, my computer, emptied my bank account and took my passport so that I couldn’t leave.  When things got really bad I turned to my Quran teacher for help because it was someone that was outside our community but someone that my parents and I both respected.  I told him that I was married and he promised to help.  My teacher and parents researched and dug around to find out about my husband.  They told me he had bad character, didn’t pray etc, lied, had fake documents, and had many relationships with women.  I chose not to believe them.  (I later found out all these things are true)  Being locked up at home for about 7 months drove me crazy and when my parents thought I was ‘getting better’ they started to let me work.  When I started work my main focus was getting new ID cards and travel docs and getting out of there without thinking about what would happen once I got here.  Once everything was clear I literally ran away from home.

After I got here I found out that my husband had no money, no home, no job, no residency or anything.  I accepted the fact that he had student status and that fees are high in Europe and that his situation was beyond his control and that it wasn’t his fault.  For the first few months we lived off of the money that I had brought with me until I found a job.  Alhamdulillah, I found something in my field and now, 3 years later, I still have the same, stable job.  On the other hand he has been in and out of work and struggling.  Ever s I came here we have been arguing about nothing and everything.  We argued about him not praying, him smoking and all the lies he told everyone in his family all the time.  We argued about the problems we were having with his immigration application, the fact that we didn’t have a wedding ceremony and that his extended family didn’t know he was married.   (We eventually did go back to the motherland to have a wedding ceremony last year)

After the ceremony, we came back and he used to spend hours and hours on the computer and hide his phone and suspect me if I even looked up at say the cashier at a store when giving them money.  I thought it was because of the way he was raised back home and that he’d get better.  Once it got even worse I started suspecting that he was being suspicious of me because HE was doing something wrong.  I then started to investigate.   LONG story short over this past year and a half I have caught him having illicit, inappropriate conversations on the phone, and on the internet with many different women.  He has profiles up on singles websites too.  When I confronted him he denied everything until I spelled out the details of the conversation and then he made excuses saying that the girl is just someone that his cousin fancies and that he was trying to prove that she’s a bad girl.  He said he was embarrassed and that I could leave him if I wanted.  I already had trust issues but this incident drove me insane.  Every time he doesn’t answer his phone or comes home late I am suspicious and I voice my thoughts, I cannot stay quiet.  I don’t like him going out until 4am with his friends because I always suspect he is doing something wrong.  To my face he is sweet and if I ignore all of these girls etc then he is good to me.  He has sexual conversations on the phone and he blames me saying that he is just checking to see if I’m still checking up on him.  I know it is bad to check up on someone but I don’t know how else I will know if he’s stopped.  I feel like whenever he gets the chance with ANY girl he takes it.  He really thinks he is the most beautiful person in the world because he was raised to believe that and I know that I don’t help to feed his ego.  Maybe that’s why he’s seeking attention everywhere an anywhere he can get it.  In my books it’s not right for him to be talking to so many random women, in his books he thinks I’m backwards and sees no problem with it.  He said that he thought because I was raised in the West I should be ‘ok’ with it.

If I was in proper contact with my parents, I would have left years ago.  We do not have any children yet…when I want some he doesn’t and when he wants some I don’t because I know that he cannot support us, I am supporting us and I have to stop working if I have a baby and then what will we do? It turns out that all his documents ARE fake and that he still doesn’t have stable work.  He flirts with everything but then can be the sweetest man to me.  He also lies to everyone right to their face, in front of me and then tells me that I shouldn’t listen to what he says he just says things to get along with people and that men always talk about girls etc but it doesn’t mean anything.

I’m sorry this post is getting so long…. but now my uncle has told me to come back home, to leave him if I don’t think he can change- to leave him before he leaves me for someone else.  He won’t leave me yet because his residency is on my biases and I earn the money but my uncle thinks he’ll leave as soon as he can stand on his own feet.  I am lost, I don’t know what to do.  I feel like he puts up with my emotional mess and a lot of what I do in terms of fighting etc.  I feel like when our situation improves and he can get a job he will.  I feel like it’s not his fault he’s in this situation but at the same time I don’t see him trying to improve it…I think he should go back to school or try and improve himself but he deosn’t seem to think that’s a good idea.  He can be very sweet and nice too but the ONLY thing that I can’t get over is this girls issue….I’m afraid if I leave I will be alone forever and that maybe it’s my fault he’s doing what he’s doing and that maybe he can change, is changing.  He does say that if I wasn’t after him about these things all the time he’d stop.  Should I wait? Should I go? I have been doing istakhara and praying but I still am not at peace. Please Help.

I’m really sorry this post is Soo long but I really think that all that background info is necessary to understand the situation properly.

confused sister

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

36 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum confused sister,

    Thank you for sharing.

    Just a few questions,

    Do you love him? Do you accept him as he is? Do you want to live with him?

    Do you want to look for a solution to your problems? Have you considered marriage counselling?

    I hope these questions help you to clarify your situation, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • You are merely wasting your time on a useless person. You are just sticking to him because you feel it will destroy your ego. So open your eyes and see that he is just using you and your uncle is right that you should leave him.
      Why are you so scared of being alone? Adopt a child if you turn old and have no future spouse. God will reward you for taking care of an orphan more than taking care of a flirt. Let him rot on this earth and in hell. Get out of this relationship before you become pregnant and your child suffers along with you.
      @Maria, she does not need marriage counselling, her husband does! Stop blaming women for everything.

    • i am a western woman married to an muslim man .i understand what your going thru my husband does the exact same things as your husband i am constantly checking on him and he hurts me all the time .he is very sincere when he says he loves me and im his life .he had once told me his freinds ex wife came to his work and he offered to have sex with her he told me he was testing her because she says shes so pure and religous ,the next day he fought with me and said he needed a break he said a woman was going to give him a ride then i tell him dont call me anymore so he didnt go i checked his phone and saw he called that same woman i confronted him and he got angry i checked his phone,im not sure why he does all of this im good to him and i even pay all of the bills he never helps me with anything.im really getting tired of this and he never prays he smokes and lies all the time i told him if he calls messages or has anything to do with any woman ill leave him ,and i just checked his phone and saw some pictures of a woman with hardly any clothes on he took 2 pictures of her im so sick of his behaviour ,but yet he can be so loving and sincere .i feel for you as i am going thru the same thing.then he says his father is making him to marry a girl from his country so he will have a second wife ,im not sure what to think but i feel hes a very good liar to me and has selfish motives without really any concern for my feelings ,even though he says hes cares and loves me its just words,good acting.i feel i have to leave him this isnt a very happy life for me ive tried to help and change him its not working.i know how you feel i say try to help him and show him the right way if not you should leave,this is what im going to do.

  2. Assalaamu alaikum dear confused sister.

    Sorry for the difficulties you are undergoing I strongly advise you to continue doing istakhaarah and making dua. Its nice how many sisters overlook the faults of their husbands. But sometimes you need to be aware? Are you sure he is not with you for convenience if he needs residency? Ask yourself these questions honestly. I wanted to add that it is completely inappropriate for him to be chatting with different girls and behaving in the manner you have said in your post. He is married! Sister Maria has given you some good food for thought so ask yourself these questions. Admittedly from everything you have said in your post - it seems dodgy. That hes talking to girls to 'check if your checking up on him.' Hes making you doubt your own suspicions. Dont let him. Follow your instincts. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Dont let him drive you insane.

    I can't tell you whether to leave or stay but you should continue doing istakhaarah and make dua in your own language too. Pray your obligatory salat (fard) 5x a day if you dont already. I did istakhaarah for many weeks before getting the answer. When I got the answer, I did it in the last 3rd of the night, and it really came from my heart. This is my experience of istakhaarah. I recommend you check the links above the page on istakhaarah questions and answers to help you with this InshaAllah.

    May Allah swt guide you towards the best decision.
    Ameen
    Sara
    Islamic Answers.com Editor

  3. Salaams Sister

    Sorry for the pain and hardship which you experiencing.

    If you truly love your husband and want to make your marriage work, then you need to sit down and discuss with your husband all the problems which you'll facing in your marriage. Encourage him lovingly to do something about his career, or to find a good job. Point out to him that you'll won't be able to manage on your income alone. Marriage isn't a bed of roses. All marriages do have hiccups. You need to work at it.

    No person is perfect. I have to admit your husband does have bad habits which he needs to change.

    1.Staying out till 4am in the morning, hanging out with friends is totally unacceptable. He should be home with you.

    2.Having conversations with women over the phone or the internet is wrong. Your husband has to have a strong willpower. He can't simply fall for any girl.

    The reason that you check up on him so often is because he already put doubt in your mind. He needs to gain your trust.

    3.Did he lie to you before you got married about his papers being right? I would worry about that. Could he be in the relationship because of his papers?

    "If I was in proper contact with my parents, I would have left years ago". Could he perhaps be treating you this way thinking that you would have no place to go, that you will always stay with him and just accept whatever wrong he's doing. Sister you need to show him that you have family for you. You have your uncle to stand up for you.

    Sister whatever you decide would be up to you. Can you picture yourself with him 10 years later? Do you honestly feel that he can change for the better? Is he just in the relationship because of residency and the fact that you working and supporting him?

    If you wait do you see things improving? If you leave would you much happier?

    Sister you still young. I would personally suggest that you don't rush and have kids. Make up your mind, sort out your relationship first before making decisions.

    Good Luck
    Rumaysa

  4. Assalamu aleikum my sister confused...

    Please make sure "you married secret this means your marriage was not official Islamically at all, then you came back to your wali (family). When your family knew about your marriage did they agreed upon it, did they give you away and make for you halal marriage".....you said Once everything was clear I literally ran away from home...what does this mean my sister...your parents were not satisfied with that guy, because of his religion and his character, so what do you think "is this marriage an Islamic marriage"???.

    Solution
    1. Ask Allah for forgiveness as soon as possible. Stay away from that man until you make things clear and your parent, pious people are agree with your marriage otherwise, know whatever happen to you is up to you, if your parent say to you come home and leave this guy please do, because Islamically parents are responsible of their daughter`s marriage.

    2. Make your marriage official (Islamic)..
    3. Go back to your parent and kiss their feet as they are your parent and ask for forgiveness.
    4. After that, when you make your marriage halal then know, if your husband does not pray knowingly "he can not be your husband, because he is not Muslim at all"

    5. My sister choose Allah or your corrupted man, if you choose Allah, who is the best ONE to be His side, make things clear ISLAMICALLY and consult with pious people around you. If you insist on saying "I may be alone for ever, know that is not upon you Allah is the one who brought you here and your future is up to Him, so make things good and clear as soon as possible.

    May Allah subhanahu wata ala make easy for us this life and hereafter.
    Sincerely your brother Abdullahi.

  5. Salaam,

    You need to do istakharah..but also remember if ill thoughts keep passing through your head, it is Shaytaan trying to break apart your marriage. However, in a case where you have pure evidence that he's up to no good, why in the world would you stay in a marriage where there is no TRUST. Sis, the core of a relationship is trust. If there is none, there's NO RELATIONSHIP. Allah(swt) sees that you want to turn to the right path. Talk to your parents, even if you aren't on good terms, and see what you can do to separate. Why torture yourself? I don't understand what love has to do with this. If he's doing haram there are severe consequences for it. I mean you're saying he's talking sexually on the phone with someone? What would be the punishment for a crime like that under Shariah. It sure has heck wouldn't be something small!
    Stop thinking like you are trapped. There are plenty of more fish in the sea!

    Keep your trust in Allah(swt) because you stand for what's RIGHT and want to stop someone that's doing WRONG!

  6. Thank you for all your advice, I am still so mixed and confused with my feelings and I don't know what to do. I had stopped checking on my husband for the past few months and it eventually made me feel a little better. I've been keeping myself busy with work/school/and friends but after a while it all comes back to me. Just yesterday I saw another one of his conversations where he was trying to get a girl to talk with him and she asked "what about your wife?" he replied "she won't know if you don't tell her, I won't disappoint you" the thing is that she left and didn't want to talk to him but that's because she knew he is married (on facebook) but what about outside and with people who don't know he's married? I can't always count on the girls turning away from him. I want HIM to stop this on his own because he should know it's wrong.
    I am still so very confused and my Uncle says that I'm in denial. He's still pushing me to come back home for a month or so to think things over but my husband won't let me go and visit my family. My husband is really pushing for a baby now but I don't want one with a man I cannot trust. He says that the worse people get better after having a child but I feel I'll be more stuck with him if I do. All I do know is that I cannot trust him, but I really want to.
    We haven't fought much latley but that's because 5 days a week we're too busy to see each other all day and we're only together at night after about 9pm then we eat and I pretty much go to bed. The only time we spend time together is when we're with our friends on the weekend.
    I know a lot of people have it a lot worse than I do, that's another reason why I can't make my decision because I keep telling myself it's not THAT bad but at the same time I can't trust him. I'm torn.

    • As salamu alaykum confused sister,

      Thank you again for sharing, I do understand your uncle, your mind is able to see the whole picture, but your Heart doesn´t accept what´s going on, I am not going to tell you who he is and how he is affecting you know it, and only Allah(swt) has the Power to make you see and hear and to guide you to the best for you, insha´Allah, what I will try to do is to help you to build up the shine inside of yourself to get closer to the Light of Islam and remind you of the tools we have to strengthen our bond to Allah(swt).

      May Allah(swt) help me and guide my words for the best for you, insha´Allah.

      Brother AbdulWali has given you an excellent advice, I would like you to read it twice.

      Apart from that, we muslims have been blessed with the salat, our five salat, which give us Light to begin the day, to go through the day, to finish the day and to be eager to begin a new day to be with Him(swt) our most sacred time, the time we are with Him(swt), you need to do your five salat, when you are working you may find a little space where you can connect yourself to the Light of Salat to be closer to Allah(swt), you need to remember He(swt) is for you, that you are not alone, that you haven´t been alone ever, the salat will help you to remember it, insha´Allah. Sister, pray your salat consciously, when you begin to do this your tears will flow as rivers, because there is not greater blessing in this world than knowing we are with Him(swt) , Alhamdulillah.

      We have the Qu´ran, our Lord talk to us, guide us, advice us, comfort us, ... since the begining till the end, we begin with Al - Fatiha and we finish with An- Nass, 114 Surats that have a message for you in every situation of your life, Alhamdulillah.

      We have the Names and Attributes of our Lord(swt) my beloved sister, I cannot help that crying when I discovered them, every single word has so much meaning, when I begin to recite them I feel it goes deeper and deeper the meaning inside of myself, I feel so little, I feel like the most little particle of this Universe, but sister at the same time I feel so blessed just for the fact that I can recite the Names of Allah(swt) , He has given me permission to recite His Names(swt) who am I to call His Names? but He(swt) is the most Generous, He(swt) has blessed us with this too to get closer to Him(swt), Alhamdulillah.

      We have du´as, I´ve read hundreds of du´as, and all of them cause such a soothing effect on the Heart, all of them find a place where to fit, they help us in every situation of our life remembering us that from the begining till the end, He (swt) is the only reason to be alive, the only reason to live, the only reason why we wake up to life since we are born, the only reason why we should move towards the next step, ...

      Sister pray to Allah(swt) with all your Heart, do your wudu or gushl, dress nicely, put the best fragrance you have on, and go to Him(swt), from all your Heart, melt in front of Him(swt) share all your anguishes, all your fears, all your anxieties and rebuild your relationship to Allah(swt), He(swt) is always waiting for us to go to Him(swt) at all times, in all places, He (swt) is for us, Alhamdulillah.

      I feel your Heart shining again, time for you and Him(swt), Alhamdulillah.

      I trust you will take the right decisions at the right time, insha´Allah, I acknowledge your power to do it, Alhamdulillah, I acknowledge the muslimah you are, Alhamdulillah and I acknowledge overall your connection to our Almighty Allah(swt), that will guide you through every single step you take consciously from now on, Insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

      Please, sister if you feel you need anything else, feel free to ask for it, we will be here for you, insha´Allah.

      Be sure, from now on, you are already in my Heart, you can make a difference in the life of many, you have already made a difference in my Life, Alhamdulillah.

      From Heart to Heart, all my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salam confuse sister,

      When I read your story I felt represented in a lot of parts. My husband has been cheating on me since the second year of marriage, i did him so many chnaces until we had a little daughter and during the pregnancy he kept cheating, and after and finally he confess everything becasue I got so angry that I told him or you stop or we are done here no more chances, he stop and came to counceling and everything looks ok, until he had the brilliant idea to take her lover to a hotel that belong to the company were I work, and for this things of Allah swt I was there, I catch him, I made an excen because I couldn't stop myself and the consecuencies are, that we are not any longer together and me I have to face a disciplinary investigation and I am in risk to lose my job.

      My advise, listen to the people that love you and that are around you, you are in deniel, is not that is like the people that is kidnapped after been realese they justify their kidnappers, don't waste your time he is not going to change, for him the truth is not important, he only think in himself and what he wants and fancy, and as one of the sisters has told you he is taking you for granted, don't have a child that is my sttrong recommendation, If now I don't have my daughter I have clear what to do, but because I have my daughter, and she loves him a lot, I cant take the decision that he deserves.

      That Allah swt guide you on the right path dear sister, but and advise from somebody that is living something very similar to you, quit before is too late.

      Ma'salam

  7. As salaamu alaikum sister, Please for the sake of yourself and your future, leave this man! SubhanAllah! He doesn't practice his religion and is not treating you with kindness. Alhamdulillah you don't have any children yet. May Allah SWT bless you with a better husband than this one, Ameen.

    As salaamu alaikum

  8. Salam sister
    The thing over here is that u married n ran away in the first place with a person who has abad character i guess u didnt listen 2 ur parents about his character

    But what has happened has happened
    Look he is the man of the house , n also married he has responsibility towards u
    N instead of fulfilling his duty he acts like an gigolo n have sex with other women

    I think u should listen 2 your uncle , coz he has no respect for u n if he had he would not be wasting time in acts of adultry
    But rather seacrhing n maintaining a good jobs hes married with responsibility

    Hes good for nothing n sister u deserve someone better

  9. I like 2 also add
    Marriage bring two people n familes together

    But also brings commitment , mutual respect, understanding,selfsacrifice,faithfullness, n discipline

    He fullfill niether of them
    U dnt have kids its better ull leave him

  10. AS Sister I hate to say it, but you are RIDICULOUSLY IMMATURE. I can't fathom why you would stay in this relationship, let alone see that marrying another Muslim would be so bad that you would have to run away from your parents, let alone stay with someone who has no respect for you (he has no respect for you because YOU have no respect for youself)

    Please don't bring a child into the world with such an immature attitude, let alone one with this idiot.

    Your consequences will have long term affects just as they have in the past. If you were to apply for a government job and they realize who you are sponsering for a visa, it could result in HUGE trust issues with employers.

    Grow up.

  11. a similar story like mine.ask dua from allah.that is all i can say..

  12. Salaam Everyone,
    Thank you all for your comments I have read them over and over...I didn't realize that there were so many new comments because I didn't receive any email notification- I was just feeling down and decided to come onto this website for guidance and support Alhamdolillah there were a lot of new messages to look at.

    A small update is that I went to visit my parents for the last 10 days of Ramadan and had the chance to spend Eid with my family. This lifted a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I got the strength to go because of ONE phone call my mother made to me, even though we hadn't spoken about much the mere fact that SHE called me gave me strength.

    I am back with my husband now after being away two weeks and still I don't really see anything changing he still talks unnecessarily with random women on the internet as well as on the phone...I haven't caught anything explicit recently but that's because I just stopped checking in that detail I also suspect he's found ways around my checking by now. I had talked to my mother about the whole situation I was in before I left but I did not have the strength to speak to her about it face to face even after she asked me if everything was ok.

    My younger sister will be getting married soon inshAllah and I don't want to leave here and cause problems for her there since it's her time and I don't want to be selfish and cause stress on the first happy occasion that our family's had in years.

    I still don't have children (didn't try/want to get pregnant) and I still cannot trust my husband. I am stuck to the idea of being married and not divorced...but being back home showed me how much my family still cares about me and it was much better than I could have ever expected or deserved.

    Thank you for your advice on praying etc...I do pray every day but not 5 times a day, I have a lot to work on in improving myself and I'm conciously trying harder and harder. This however has to do with me and Allah alone and I don't see how it's helping/changing the situation I'm in because most of the time I don't know what to make dua for? I don't know whether to ask to make him a better Muslim and God fearing person or to ask to take him away from me if that's what's best for me. Sadly more often than not I'm hoping something terrible happens to him (not while making dua but just in my heart every time I find out something new). Can a person at that age (over 30 now) still really change? Am I wasting my time, and his if I don't want a family yet? There are a lot of questions in my head and even more answers to choose from. Everyone is telling me something different and I don't want to make the mistake of taking the wrong step. I don't trust myself to make the right decision- yes that may be immature but I can't help it.

  13. I'm sorry one last comment-
    I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to trust another man again. I KNOW there are good and bad people in this world but I feel liek I'd be dragging around too much baggage with me forever and that I'd be suspicious of anyone about anything because that's how I've become with my husband.

  14. AS Confused rereading my own reply, I apologize. It was insensitive and I might have pushed some of my own stresses onto you. I don't think you're immature, but I do think you lack maturity. One of the reasons I commented so harshly was because if you read other peoples situations on this website, in their own heads at least, there is SOMETHING keeping them in a marriage...some hope or figment of a lost love, the end of the rainbow that you think you can catch. On the other hand not only do I not see ANYTHING that you appreciate in this marriage in you, I think it's taken away from you

    It's taken away your family. It's taken away your love and turned it into hate (you're wishing bad for your husband-asthugfirullah, I was SO hurt while reading this, as deep down I KNOW you are not a person like that). It's taken away your trust of all men, something I keep hearing from Muslim and non-Muslim women alike these and I am constantly hurt by. I am still confused, what is keeping you in this marriage? You don't plan to have children. Go back home, ask for khula and end this. You made a mistake. Maybe you're not saying it, and I think you should, but if you feel like your parents will say "I told you so" and you will have less choice in your second marriage, then you are wrong. It is your Islamic right, and while I don't know how things will turn out with your parents, know that there is no future in destroying your present for an unknown future.

    Let us know how you're doing!

  15. Salaam,
    Just another update...my husbands immigration went through and we've moved to the same city where my parents live. I haven't caught anything explicit because I haven't been snooping as much anymore. I live in the same city as my parents and my husband has met them. I'm still afraid to have kids and I"m not getting nay younger. We still argue the same way we always did but it seems less worse because I work days and he works nights so we don't really see much of each other. I do have hope but I"m not positive about him/to him/with him. The negativity goes both ways. I almost don't care much anymore-I do but I don't have the energy for it.
    Confused sister- still confused and not able to trust.

  16. Asalamalaykum,
    I"m not sure if anyone will read this thread anymore..I've moved back home and last week I found pictures on the computer of my husband and best friend from the country I was living in. She was always the one I had turned to for everything, she knew all the bad things he had done to me in the past, she is married and has a child. The fact that it was her KILLS me!
    They both say that just talking lead to this and that it only happened once and that they never did it again. The pictures I'm referring to were of them both dis-robed on skype.
    That CANNOT jsut happened. There had to be something leading up to it.
    I wonder if things happened between them when we lived there?
    We used to all meet up (a group of friends) EVERY single week
    I"m at my parents house right now since the last 3 days...I brought my clothes etc and the ball is in my court...the decision is in my hands
    I hate what he has done I hate what she has done..
    I hate myself for still loving him.
    I am so so so very confused and scared.

    • Dear Sister,

      I am so sorry to hear this, what an awful discovery to make. You are right, the ball is in your court. Take time out at your mother's house and ask Allah to guide you to making a choice that is good for you.

      May Allah give heal your heart and guide you, aameen.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  17. Asalamalaykum,
    I just found this thread, I can't remember how, i've read it all and feel for you in that situation, I was wondering how are things now sister?

    • Salaam,
      I had ended up moving back with my husband after a few weeks...on the basis that what happened between him and my best friend happened only once and that he didnt show her any part of his body on the internet etc...a few days ago I found more pictures of them from January through may that means it DID happened more than once and he DID show himself as well...I went crazy- like got so angry- first I asked him twice if he had done 'such and such' he sad no twice and then I said I had pictures then he got really angry at why I was bringing the past up. Things got way out of hand and a little violent as well from both sides. He said " Talaq you' and kept daring me to call the cops...so I did and he got his things and left. I got an emergency protection order against him because my family pushed me to...he is not allowed to contact me or see me or be at this house...I don't know If I"m doing the right thing...the basis of what I went back to was a lie....I can't understand why I still love him but I do he has been in my life for 7 years I have sacrificed everything for this man and I suppose I really badly didn't want to give this up...certain things about him are nice but the negatives far far outweigh the positives. His family keeps telling me to take him back mine says the opposite.
      It is ramadan and I always used to pray that Allah guide him on the right path and if we're not good for each other take him away from my life.
      I could have chosen not to bring things up that day but how much more am I supposed to take? I wish it wasn't this way but it is....but why do I still feel guilty? He always makes me feel like its my fault. As in my unsuspecting him makes him do these things...the thing is i've never looked for anything and not found something terrible. I think we may well both be toxic for one another.

  18. Salaams sister,

    One thing ppl should always remember, is parents always want the best for us, and without their blessings, life becomes filled with obstacles. However, we all make mistakes.
    I truly think its a blessing you don't have a child with this man - get out of this marriage, once a cheater, always a cheater.
    Its better to hear from your family 'I told you so' once and suffer temporarily, then to suffer for a lifetime with a worthless man, who has no respect for you.
    Wishing you the best, may Allah ease your difficulties, Insha-Allah.

  19. WOW...SISTER...DIVORCE THIS MAN ASAP....i am a man myself...the way he has treated you over the past years is UNACCEPTABLE...divorce this man AS SOON AS POSSIBLE....

    He lied to u multiple times and SHOWED NO REGRET, NO INITIATIVE TO CHANGE, NOTHING, and he is continuing to do so..he is not a man worth you...PLEASE divorce this man, you will get much much better...

    You said you are at peace temporarily by not confronting him about the girl issue, and by being away from him..i want to ask u...IS THIS WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT?? it seems you are better off away from eachother, rather than together...

    He does not plan to change..you made a mistake marrying him..BUT you can rectify this mistake INSHA ALLAH...ONLY IF you leave this marriage immediately...it is a blessing of Allah that you two do not have any children, otherwise the whole process would be more difficult..please...divorce this man and move on

  20. I came upon this article because I am going thru this as well. I am so confused as to what to do. Please give us an update. Did you leave him?

    • Yes I eventually learnt to value myself and my beliefs and I left him it was the hardest thing I ever did but after some time passed I realized it was most definitely the right decision. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this post but I didn’t see it until today so I’m really sorry for not replying earlier.

  21. Salaam,
    I had asked him to leave the house again August last year...that was my last update and then in the end of October he came back...and this year (2013) he all of a sudden decided to take all his money and go to Pakistan (IN April) to help out with elections not caring for how I"d take care of myself because he knows I'll pay rent etc. So when he cae back in June I asked him to leave. He left and he's been working in a different city...he came to my city about 2 months ago begging me to let him back and saying he'll never divorce me because he feels that no one will ever love me as much as he supposedly does. We've been living apart esentially since April or officially since the beginning of June I guess....I'ts a mess...he messaged me yesterday saying hes going to quit his job and come back to my city and he wants to solve this once and for all either we stay together or we end this permanently. I hate that I still feel any emotions towards him...and I'm dreading him coming back to the city...not much of an update I suppose...My first message here was in 2011...that's when a LOT of things had already happened and now it's going to be 2014 and my life has been on pause in terms of having a family etc because of all these problems and because of the fact that I cannot decide.

    • Salaam Sister,

      I came across this thread as I am going through almost the EXACT same scenario, only you are about 1 year ahead of me, i would like to know what's your update ... were you able to gain trust with him and make this work?

      My husband also continuously talks with other women and continously hides his cell phone and deletes his history on his phone - the trust is gone. I sponsored him and he is now here but will likely go back if i take full custody of our 2 year old girl. He doesn't take take his responsibilities as a husband towards me and my son - and i feel like i might have to ask for a Khula from him.

      Please let me know your update.

  22. aslamoeliqum,sister I'm extremely grieved at your situation,i hope u r much better and relieved when finding my comment.i don't wanna judge u because most women are prone to sweet talk.you should respect yourself,for the hard times you faced with sabr,but I cannot understand you cannot marry islamically until your wali is atleast informed or atmost allowed.your eloping is the part which i further regret that maybe afew for example me never had the chance to cherish love of family nor a soulmate or anything particular in life my parents r dead,my soulmate left me for another guy whom she couldn't married,married to somoone else then divorced and remarried.point is that u r lucky to marry ur beloved,that ur parents still support u and if u find urself bewitched nomatter because most of true lovers are bewitched and like.this i hope i never find u in these forums again.

  23. salam Alaykum ....

    • Sorry, I had to delete your question. Please register and submit your question as a separate post and we will publish it in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  24. Salam sister,

    To protect your deen and yourself I really think you need to leave your husband. Allah (saw) knows best but you already have given him lots of chances to change and he always betrays you. Not just that but masha'allah you are a practicing and good muslimah who needs to live life accordingly.

    Secondly, in a Muslim marriage a man is supposed to provide for his wife and kids but your husband is incapable of doing so, so religiously and practically he is not being a real husband to you.

    Also, maybe not being a mother to his children is a blessing and it is a sign for you to leave him before it is too late.

    Listen to your uncle and go back, Allah will ease your hardships...Ameen

  25. I think you better leave him ASAP, don't worry about your loneliness, God will help u find someone u deserve In Sha Allah.

  26. As salami Alaikum sisters:
    My marriage was a love marriage, even though my parents didn't like his family. Few years passed nicely but after that I noticed that he started suspecting me with every Tom n Jerry n made my life miserable. He used to suspect me with his nephews, he s real brother, his cousin. Anyways after sometime I caught him talking n meeting some woman, in fact he was having extra marital relationship with that woman. When I caught him he swore he won't do it again but unfortunately he had characterless bunch of friends around him which led me to take divorce from him , one more thing I noticed in his bahaviour was that at times he used to be very nice husband and the other time he used to Give m verbal Talak and turned me out of his house with my two small kids, and after one or two hours apologized and called me back to his house and I always came back coz my elder child got diagnosed of schizophrenia which almost broke me into pieces . He used to spend most of his time outside the house instead of being with me n kids and fully involved with illegitimate relationships with different women. I spent almost 15 yrs with him with all this kind of drama and he gave me verbal talak almost 16 times on different occasions. Once I got written divorce from him I started living with my parent in USA, but wasn't happy on losing my children, missed them like hell. I was very much worried about my sick child who sNted to be with both of his parents, in the meantime my ex called me so many times and offered to remarry me, but I got married in USA, which didn't workout and I came back to my ex's house .
    Now his ego has become in our relationship he says why I didn't come to him when he was calling me.... now I'm here coz of my children but he tries to humiliate me in front of servants and children, so many times I want to go back to USA but my feet are chained by my sick child who wants me to be with him all the time , I'm praying Allah to help me coz my situation is very much complicated, kind of a whirlpool of so many problems, my ex was doing a job when v got married but right after our marriage he got wonderful opportunities of getting into a businessman and now he is doing great. But now he has rented his own apartment to have illegitimate relationships there. He is mad at me coz he wants me to serve him as a girl friend which I refused vehemently. Right after getting into his Life he used to throw me out of his house and then apologized, it hasn't changed, the same thing is going on till now. My family is saying that I should worry about my life now coz my children are 19 and 21 now but I don't muster up the courage to leave my schizophrenic child , thus disease runs in the family and my ex' s father and one of his elder brother are also having this disease and I'm sure my ex has also got some serious mental problems , he doesn't have a grey area but only black n white, 2extremes in his behavior, plus he had always seen his father abusing her 3 mothers physically that's y he physically abused me a lot when my children were kids and I never told my brothers or parents about it. my child is continuously on medication since he was 13 years old and sometimes he talks about committing suicide also. I'm very much disturbed and upset , don't know what to do.now I'm living in the upper portion with my child and ground floor is occupied by ex. But still ex threats me continuously that I should leave then other day he says that's ok u can stay here with children. I'm fed of having uncertain life , full of insecurity, I've started my own business also but it will take some time to get on my feet. Kindly suggest me what should I do ???? I made really a bad bad choice in my life.

Leave a Response