Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A girl threatening suicide if I don’t marry her

Emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail.

Assalamoalikum,

I am a Muslim, and have a really true faith in Allah Tallah, am also blessed. I love to obey my parents because I love them a lot and I respect them. The problem occurred when I proposed to this girl in immaturity when I was like 14 or may be 15. I told this girl that I was in love with her, and after a year later she proposed to me as well.  We were children at that time, and did not have the ability to think of what was good for us.

After a year, my mother came to know about our relationship. She told me that this relationship is impossible because my dad wont accept it, and if my dad came to know about this, he will be very upset and angry at both of us (me and my mother) because he loves us a lot, and he don't like love marriages.  He says that type of love is not acceptable in Islam, and so I must stay away from such things. So, for sake of the relationship with my mom with my dad I started ignoring her. I told her the situation is complicated, it's about my mom and dad, and she acted like she didn't care.

Now am 20 and she is 19. For last 4 to 5 years, I have tried to convince her in many ways through love, through patience, and though harsh words. I tried to convince her, but she does not care; she says that when we will be together everything will be alright.  She is impossible to understand by any means. I tried my best, but whenever I don't talk to her she says she will commit suicide.

Now am sick of her sick of childish fantasy life. IF I LEAVE HER FOR THE SAKE OF MY PARENTS RELATIONSHIP, AND SHE COMMITS SUICIDE, WILL I BE CURSED BY HER DEATH OR BY ALLAH? I AM VERY WORRIED, I NEED HELP. PLEASE HELP ME. If I obey my parents, the ones who cared about me and loved me; if I obey them am I doing wrong ?

-samier

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27 Responses »

  1. dude, i dont mean to offend you but do you even like this girl? from what u said above, i can only conclude that u dont even care for her feelings about you. if u both want to be together, there are ways...and making ur dad agree to it is not even ur concern, since it doesn't matter in islam. only her dad has to agree.

    on the other hand...if u dont like this girl, its a whole different story. try ur best to explain her that u dont love her, and there is no use in getting married if u dont feel the same towards her. she'll understand eventually in shaa Allah. if she still blackmails u, thats not your fault. in my view, u will not be held responsible for her death since Allah knows the real reason. suicide is haram in islam, and u have to explain her that doing that will do no good her or her family.

    im almost your age, and i have some experience about teenage love myself. if she really wanted the best for you, she wouldn't blackmail you and try to make your life miserable. but then thats just my view. Allah knows best...

    try praying salatul istikharah though. hope it works out for you!

  2. I think both of you are very young and it seems as if this grl needs mental help asap.

    I understand your parents are a concern but to play with someones feeling like that isnt right either.
    Sum ppl take things more seriously than others. Sumtimes its the guys fault too for sweet talking a grl and grls can be innocent.

    As far as this grl is concerned, try to inform an adult. Well its best to inform an adult asap that she needs to seek medical help asap since shes suicidal. Of course as another human being u wudnt want her to do that, and ud want to take alll measures to avoid.

    Hopefully, uve learned ur lesson now and wont be involved in such things in the future. But to tell sumone false things and not fulfill isnt rite either.

  3. Urmmm if youve done the business wiv her m8 u need to man up and marry her.thats prob the reason shes on your case cz 4 a woman thats everything - izzat. But if you havent then just take her somewhere nice and explain your situation by saying we can still be friends but we can't marry due to family etc and even though i made promises back then i was immature and i thought this could happen but i have discussed this with family and theyve declined and without family blessings the relationship is pointless... Explain that by her saying she will kill herself is selfish and if she really loved you she would let u be as love means sacrifice sometimes...
    Gudluck bro

  4. asalamualaikum
    i am also about ur age, so i dont have a lot of experience but i think the best thing to do is you go to her parents and tell them what she is doing.... i would go for the mom since they are more understanding.
    about her commiting suicide i think she is bluffing because the way you wrote it, its like she said it more than once or twice: 'but whenever I don't talk to her she says she will commit suicide."
    if she was for real, she would have done it already.
    since am a girl and all girls are snsitive i would recomend to take it reallllly easy, rejection is never easy (i guess)
    first talk to ur mum see what she thinks then talk to her mum, n tell her not to mention anything to the girl just yet, tell her mum to keep her distracted all the time so she can forget you...
    since its not reeally clear, am not sure if shes muslim or if u guys ummmm did it!!
    if u guys did it then i agree with aisha...
    pray to Allah and inshaa allah he will help u 🙂

  5. Salaams,

    Just to simply answer your last question (which wasn't addressed yet), no you will not be accountable for her decision to commit suicide, if she actually does something like that. You aren't responsible for the choices others make. She is accountable for her life before Allah, and no matter how bad or painful things get no one has to make a choice that drastic.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Dude it isn't the girl's fault if you proposed to her and made her love you, BEFORE it suddenly dawned upon you one fine day, to be an obedient and loving son.And if your mother told you all that a year into the relationship and it's been 4-5 years, and you're still in touch with her, it seems as if you've probably been stringing her along for all this time, for fun and time pass, rather than making a clean break of it at once, which probably would have been kinder, if you were serious about leaving her.And if the girl is nice, from a good family and with a good personality and if there is no other reason than 'my dad doesn't like love marriages' which CAN be gotten around about, if you stay strong enough, then why not?You seriously need to man up,brother.It's hard to find people nowadays who are as devoted and sincere to you as this girl seems to be.Don't you WANT a wife who loves you like crazy???or are you one of those guys who only propose to girls for the thrill of the chase and then promptly drop them once they get serious and talk about permanent commitment?if so, then do the girl a favour and cease all contact at once because she could do much better than a loser like that.Not to be harsh, but you seem to have a weak personality, unable to take responsibility for your actions, and while you won't be held accountable for the choice of suicide (if God forbid she makes it) you WILL be held accountable for the suffering you have caused that poor girl.Dude, explore this website a bit.Innumerable accounts are posted by girls facing similar situations as this girl.Read those stories and you will have some understanding of the immense pain they are in, all because of spineless ******* who only took their so called 'undying eternal love' till having a good time and ran off,when the time came to do the honorable thing.Don't be like them.You wouldn't want some guy to do this to your sister, would you?And believe me, I have seen this so many times, karma has a strange way of coming around and kicking such losers in the butt, later on in life.What goes around usually comes around and sooner or later you will be answerable to Allah, if not in this world then surely in the hereafter, for the immense pain you caused her.So do the right thing.You could introduce her to your mother first, and she could tell your father that she met the girl somewhere and liked the girl and wants to pursue it as a proposal, if you're reluctant about telling your father about your interest.The thing to do is to be strong and stay strong, and Allah will insha'Allah reward you not only in this world, with a devoted and loving wife but in the hereafter for doing the right thing.

  7. OmG soo agree with u anxious soul..
    May Allah guide u to mk the right decision InShaAllah

  8. @ ZR thank you for appreciating, but i'm a sister, not a brother :p

  9. no boby suicides bro....all crap...i was in the same situation a year ago....when i took a firm decision, after 4 months i found that she is with another guy, so dont worry no one sacrifices the life for the partner, you should respect your parents because they have a better choice then us , dont worry nothing will happen.

  10. I agree with anxious soul. So true. This happens a lot. The guys finds an innocent girl and strings her along with his love and effection and promises of marriage. But when she falls head over heels in love with him, then suddenly he cant marry her because his parents do not agree! Then he drops the girl like rubbish! So then do you blame the girl for getting depressed and wanting to committ suicide?

    Why don't these men ask their parents if they are happy with thd girl BEFORE getting emotionally attached? That way no mess for anyone. And also men do not need their fathers permission islamically. So you can easily marry her if you want! But YOU decide not to.

    Seriously men like that should not look for any girls just wait for your parents to choose the bride and then confess your eternal love for her on the wedding night! Then everyones happy!! : )

  11. Salaams,

    I've noticed that a lot of respondents feel this poster should've kept his word and followed things through with the girl. I would just like to point out that as he said, this "promise" was made when he was 14/15, and ever since then he's been trying to get her to move on.

    I certainly hope that no one is saying that a promise made at such a young age has such merit that someone needs to act on it years later. My goodness, don't we all say silly things when we're just hitting puberty?

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • @ Amy,

      We all say silly things at that age, but the fact that this guy lead her on wasnt right. This girl wouldnt have contacted him over and over again unless she was getting some sort of response too. I hate to say this, sumtimes guys just like to "pass time" and play with the feelings of innocent grls and Im speaking from experience.

    • @ Amy : what you say may well be true, but this guy should have stopped contact with her, the moment he had his talk with his mother and he realised it was not feasible for him to marry her.He should have explained the why of it to the girl gently and kindly, so she would not feel that the fault lay with her personally, but rather in his parents approach to marriage.Then he should have gone cold turkey on all contact completely.A girl of 14-15 would have gotten over a blow like that much easily than a girl of 19-20.A girl of 14-15 is relatively a kid, with a kid's emotions and depth of feeling.A girl of 19-20 is most certainly not.

      • Salaams,

        You said he should've stopped contact with her after his mom and dad told him to stop, and explain why. According to his post, that's what he did: " So, for sake of the relationship with my mom with my dad I started ignoring her. I told her the situation is complicated, it's about my mom and dad, and she acted like she didn't care."

        Not only that, but he spent the rest of his adolescence trying to reiterate that to her: "For last 4 to 5 years, I have tried to convince her in many ways through love, through patience, and though harsh words. I tried to convince her, but she does not care".

        The truth is, some people are imbalanced and get obsessed with someone and can't let go, and I see more evidence of that being true about this girl than anything in his post showing he strung her along or misled her.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Girls are by nature more sensitive and emotional, and when in love, most of them tend to give their all to maintaining a relationship.Try to imagine what it would be like to be living in a fairytale with your Prince Charming telling you everyday how much he loves you and how beautiful a nd special you are, and how he would treat you like a queen once she becomes his wife.and after 1-2 years..poof!the dream shatters.Prince Charming starts ignoring you.tells you his beautiful words of love were.mere immaturity and his.real duty lies with his parents.Can you imagine anything more insulting and degrading?although I take ur point that this girl should have taken the hint and let go gracefully, it does not change the fact that this guy has caused this girl a lot of pain, be it due to immaturity or whatever.He should at the very least realize the harm his thoughtless actions have caused,and show some empathy even if he can't do anything about it, instead of being all like 'oh I was young and immature,she should realize that and let me go'.Also in an Islamic society the repercussions of a broken pre marital relationship tend to affect girls way more than guys.That could be a reason behind her reluctance to let go.that's why in my opinion this brother should atleast make an attempt to make it work.if not, he should atleast acknowledge his fault,ask Allah for.forgiveness, refrain from doing the same to any other girl and make dua for that girl , that she may find a life partner who is better than him.

          • Salaams,

            Yes I can imagine it, and I've been through it. Since the girl was 13-14 when she was "being fed the fairy tale", and no older than 15 when he changed course, I still feel she should've been able to get over it like any regular teenage girl would.

            -Amy
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Maybe.but regardless of whether the girl gets over it or not, this brother should realize his actions caused immense suffering to another human being.I don't detect an ounce of guilt from his post and that kind of attitude is very, very wrong.

  13. @anxious soul very well said..i am agree with you.

    brother there are still lots of people around who do not feel on how to be emotionally attached or lets says not yet fall in love. its was really hard to explain it but once u were on its other foot u will really know it..Brother samier loving so much will drive u crazy and i think thats what happen to ur g.f. now. .May Allah Bless ur Relationship and Inshaallah leads u to marriage life.

  14. Again totally agree with @anxious soul. Just because the boy was immature doesnot mean he should not realise what kind of emotional turmoil he has put the girl through.
    I am in a similar situation but the difference being me and the guy are 27 years old, this person made commitment, we together dreamed of the future going as far as deciding names for the kids, being treated like a princess and being confident that this person will be the best husband after marriage and even disobeyed Allah but suddenly he decides to take a detour to break off because of certain things not even related to me. Is this kind of behaviour justified?? Won't a 27 year old girl having dreamt for life and seeing her dreams shattered in moments become sucidal?? What effect will it have on her future relationship??
    Being a teenager this girl has to face such betrayal from this brother and this brother not even feeling guilty or realising that he is leaving a huge scar even for the girl.
    May be I am pre assuming and may Allah forgive me but I think this brother is giving an excuse for breaking off
    Regardless of that I pray that Allah shows both the right course

    • ZR: I often wonder, what goes through such guys heads?how can they be so very,very weak?why can't they discuss it with their parents before committing, rather then bowling a girl over with smooth talk, with such so.gle mindedness and then rejecting her so remorselessly once their objective is achieved?without even thinking that the same could happen to their sisters or daughters?n especially with a Muslim upbringing?don't they feel ANY guilt at all??I'd really like to capture and imprison such a specimen, for research purposes, do a CT brain and EEG on them,to see if their brain is scientifically the same as other human beings :pp Seriously.Their mysterious and elusive psychology fascinates me 🙂

      • I second your words specially on the muslim upbringing thing. I have seen guys who do these kinds of things but it pains me to see a muslim doing this to another, forgetting that we are going to be answerable for our deeds. Also being a new muslim it hurts how lightly some people take their deen when it comes to choosing between the right and wrong. We are all human, we make mistakes but after making a mistake aren't we supposed to try to correct it. I would love to see your research of this specimen 😛

  15. i too am facing the same situation.

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