I took an oath on my daughter that I wouldn’t touch my wife. How do I repent?
Asalam O Alaikum,
Taking an oath
I am having a lot of arguments with my wife and the only reason for that i understand is that she is alone in india taking care of our house, our daughter and our shops while I am working in saudi arabia. I want to call my wife and daughter over here but as i am on labour visa it is very hard and highly expensive to call them over here, but however i am trying and slowly slowly inshaAllah I will be able to call them over her soon. But as this will take time and how much I am not aware of can be months or can be a year.
Well we keep on having arguments every alternate days and sumtime she looses control of herself and starts saying thing which are not to be said and are even haram according to islam, she removes the past, she insults me and threatens me that she will leave me or kill herself. She think that I got married to her because I wanted a caretaker, she thinks she is a caretaker who takes care of our house, daughter and one who satisfies me sexually.
Anyway i dont mind she saying me all this as i understand that how frustrated she gets living alone all on her own and seeing other being happy wid their husband's. The only thing she ask me is that she wanna live with me and i wanna live with her to. But as i live in saudi arabia it will take some time to call her. Next month i am going to india for my annual vacation and planning to search a job there and settle in india again so that I can live with her...and InshaAllah with my faith in god I believe I will get a job there...ameen.
We both love eachother a lot, but bcoz of her lonliness and frustration we have big arguments.
Well the problem is that today also we had a argument like always but when she said tht she is care taker who taker care of thing and also satisfies me sexually. I lost my pateince and shaitan took over me and I commited shirk, i mistakenly took an oath on my daughter that until and unless we dont live together i will not touch her at all. Well when thing went down I kept the phone later I realised my mistake and by that time it was to late so i am worried now what to do how too seek forgiveness from Allah and i am scared that in case in the trance of love I touch my wife i will break the promise and it could effect my one and only loving daughter. I am really very very scared now and dont what to do please help me. I took this swear in anger but didnt meant it. How shud i seek forgiveness from allah for this sin.
Also in anger today my wife asked for divorce from me 3 times, does that count I know she didnt mean it she was just angry and frustrated. I love my wife an daughter a lot and i will do everythng possible in my power to stay with them asap.
awaiting your prompt response
mustufa
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Salaams,
From the sound of it both you and your wife are dealing with out of control emotions, and speaking impulsively. Needless to say, if the two of you do not learn how to interact with one another in a more peaceful manner, you can only expect things to get much worse once you are sharing a home.
I don't understand why you would make such an oath to begin with, brother. Here you are concerned about "breaking the oath" and touching her in passion before you are living together; but in my view you should have never made any type of restrictions in that regard to begin with. I heard somewhere that making a promise to do somthing we shouldn't do isn't obligated to be kept in the eyes of Allah anyway. I can't really say whether or not your oath is valid, because it was an oath uttered under the intoxication of your anger and not something you would have said if you had been clear-minded. If I were in your position I would repent to Allah for making such an oath to begin with, clarify that the position you took was not one you ever intended to take, and make an intention of how you are going to deal with your wife from this point forward- whether you live with her next week or next year. I would also pray mercy by Allah on your daughter, since you involved her in the oath. I tend to think that Allah knows us better than we know ourselves, and has compassion for times like these in His infinite wisdom, and I trust that He would not let any harm befall your daughter since she was innocently involved in all this.
Brother, work on cultivating a patient and forbearing character. Even if your wife is getting emotionally charged, try to remain placid. If it's getting to be too much for you to speak with her at certain times, tell her you have to call her back and give her and exact time so it won't impact the trust she has in you. Then, take time to cool off alone and call her back at the exact time you promised, and work on actually solving the problems you have instead of just passing negative energy and emotions back and forth. I hope if you can work toward doing this, she will also do the same, and with time the two of you will find yourselves arguing less and less.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum,
There is a post that talks about validity of an oath, maybe helpfull,
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/is-an-oath-taken-by-quran-valid/
Brother, I see the desperation all of you are in, my Hearts cries watching the way you are seeing your bond to your wife shaking, stay strong and even when she is so anxious, be kind to her, I know you will have to look for refuge on Allah(swt), bite your tongue many times and cool down doing wudu or gushl but looking the way your Heart loves them, I am sure you will do it. Ask her for forgiveness from Heart, talk to her from Heart, she is the only person you can open your Heart freely, tell her how much you appreciate and you need her, and all the suffering you go through not being able to be with them but do it in a gentle way, no need to fight, shout or lose temper, this are Shaytan´s tools, we don´t want that and we will try not to behave this way, Insha´Allah.
You will fulfill your promise, because now you know which is your priority number one, some hardness fell down of your Heart and now the softness you are feeling will guide you to what is really important in life. Be patience to her, be loving and caring, don´t go for sex directly, let her come to you, she needs to understand that she is loved, appreciated and needed as your wife not as a caretaker, you are the only person that can get close to her sweet and softly, she has missed you so much, acknowledge all her suffering and let her talk about all her sufferings and needs, how much she has missed you and you weren´t there, let her open her heart to you, don´t see it as an attack, see it as what it is, she is emptying her heart of misery, let it go and be caring and compassionate to her, say loving words and make her sure you will be for her when she needs you from now on, Insha´Allah.
Get closer to Allah(swt), this is a test for all of you, I hope you learn the lesson and all of you look for refuge on Allah(swt) from all this whisperings and fire that is around, insha´Allah.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
brother, swearing by other than Allaah was wrong and minor shirk.
and inshallaah, Allaah will forgive you since you asked for forgiveness and regret.
i felt happy to know that you are aware that this is a minor form of shirk, because many people say things like "wan-nabiyy" "wa ummi" and they are not aware of the wieght this carries.
Ibn 'Umar [ra] said "that one lies whilst swearing by the name of Allaah, is BETTER, less than one telling the truth whilst swearing by other than Allaah".
But in a case u want to free ur mind from doubt, then according to the holy quran, surah Al ma'idah verse 89. . . . . ALLAH WILL NOT PUNISH YOU FOR WHAT IS UNINTENTIONAL IN YOUR OATHS, BUT HE WILL PUNISH YOU FOR YOUR DELIBERATE OATHS; FOR IT'S EXPIATION FEED TEN MASAKIN (needy persons), ON A SCALE OF THE AVERAGE OF THAT WITH WHICH YOU FEED YOUR OWN FAMILIES, 0R CLOTHE THEM OR MANUMIT A SLAVE. BUT WHOSOEVER CANNOT AFFORD (that), THEN HE SHOULD FAST FOR 3 DAYS. THAT IS THE EXPIATION FOR THE OATHS WHEN YOU HAVE SWORN. AND PROTECT YOUR OATHS (ie dont swear much). THUS ALLAH MAKE CLEAR TO YOU HIS AYAT (revelation) THAT YOU MAY BE GRATEFUL.
we should nvr take oath on Quraan shareef , mom or dad otah should be only taken by the name of Allah
takin oath rather than Allah is Shirk ( associating partners with Allah ) nd Allah does not forgive Shirk