I already want out of my short marriage
asaalama ala'kum all
I am 22 and pregnant with my first child. I am married to my husband for almost 1 year but lived with him for 6 months now. We have had problems before we moved in together but after living with him for less than a month the problems started. The first thing I noticed was that my husband doesn´t like to spend money; wether it is on the house or the food let alone me!
Our first grocery shopping was so bad that I decided to never go with him again. Everything I picked up or we needed he was not happy about it. Another problem was that he was controling what I was cooking. Making sure I don´t cook more than we "needed" in his mind.
About a month later his brother moved in with us, in my opinion that was the best thing that could happened, after few arguments about what we "need" and " don´t need" according to my husband, his brother talked to him and he changed a little.
Now what I didn´t mention was that when we were getting married he was not financially ready but we wanted to make our relationship halal so I helped him with the nikah and actually paid little more than him. I also didn´t ask for anything thing regarding shopping for me and as for the house I accepted to live with him in a rental furnished basement till we save enough for our own furniture. I hate the city he lived with to beginewith but he told me to come for 6 months and if I still don´t like it he promised we could move anywhere I want, needless to say he broke that promise.
The month his brother came I told him that I didn´t like his control over what food we should eat and buy and I told him I need him to take his responsibilty and stay true to the promise he made in the engagment to my family and Allah. After arguing for while he promised every month he will give me $200 CAD for grocery and again he broke that promise even asking for it few times not that I am perfect my self. I could be a little dramatic and living in this life after coming from a good life with my mother, it just drove me crazy.
Alhamdullilah a month after I came, I found a job. you can imagine my relief, it was paying ok money and from then on I never ask my husband for a penny but a little later my elderly uncle was injured and couldn´t work, me and some of my family decided to collect rent money for him. I told my husband about it and he refused it. While we were going back and forward on that issue he made a statment saying if I don´t pay my half of the rent he will throw me out, in my live I never did hear that.
I was using my money to buy food when I can, buy things we needed in the house because he promised he will buy them and never did. So I decided alxamdullilah Allah gave me a job and I will not beg him. I made sure to pay my rent every month which I was reminded of it constantly. The problem was that I have no family or friends in this city nor do I know how to get to places.
I was only going to my work and back home. So it was risky not to pay the rent.
Since I got pregnant I have been sick and my doctor didn´t think it was good idea for me to work becuase iIonly work 3 days at the time I got $300 from my job. I wanted to save just in case of emergency but I couldn´t because my husband broke the promise to buy my phone and I had to pay it myself and I made the choice of using some of it for grocery because at that time he said he didn´t have the money. Mind you he works 2 jobs. but says he is saving money for our future so he doesn´t feel like spending money on me or the house now.
The other problem I am having is he never admits if he is wrong even when he knows he is wrong he says "that doesn´t matter" even though he never gave me any money when he family call for money he tells them he cannot because he is saving and spending on me and the child to come. One night I was talking to my mother and I told her I need some personal items but he doesn´t take me shopping and he got angry.
But he call me a loud, big mouth, dramatic, shaytan who is out to get him and his money and tells exactly that to his mother and aunt. We decided that for me to go back to my mother's house till he is ready financially. I am living in less than a month inshallah. He only decided about a week ago to start taking his responsibility and sent me a $ 100. the fisrt time, but I hear about all the time about the money he gives me and tells his family the same thing ; he gives me 250 every months. it was also a promise he made about a month ago. I want to buy some decorations for the house and he asked me how much and I said around 250 but it could be less. He promised he will give me that every month starting march 1, we are march 22 now and I asked him few times but refused to buy anything or give me the money. we argue and fight everyday. he mentions his rights in islam but when I asked him about mine he says it doesn´t matter.
I appologize for the long writting. but my question is should I just give it time and see things change or should I walk away in such short period of time? I don´t wanna rush but believe me the sadness and anger is eating me inside walaah and I am at the point where even looking at him makes me sick.
jazaakallah.
aisha
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Assalamu alaykum,
Spending in the way of Allah is repeatedly emphasized and commanded in the Qur'an again and again by Allah.
It does not limit to giving to poor and needy, but it is to spend for near ones of the family as well as in the below ayat - they come before the orphans and the needy.
177. It is not righteousness that ye turn your faces to the East and the West; but righteous is he who believeth in Allah and the Last Day and the angels and the Scripture and the Prophets; and giveth his wealth, for love of Him, to kinsfolk and to orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and to those who ask, and to set slaves free; and observeth proper worship and payeth the poor due. And those who keep their treaty when they make one, and the patient in tribulation and adversity and time of stress. Such are they who are sincere. Such are the God fearing. - Surah Baqarah.
And if this is not enough than Allah repeats it again a few verses later:
215. They ask thee, (O Muhammad), what they shall spend. Say: That which ye spend for good (must go) to parents and near kindred and orphans and the needy and the wayfarer. And whatsoever good ye do, lo! Allah is Aware of it. - Surah Baqarah.
Tell him it is his and only his responsiblity as a husband and as a father to provide for you and your child, Insha Allah and he has to take up this responsibility as a responsible Muslim man who fears Allah.
May Allah turn his heart to spending in His way and cause happiness to follow you and your family in dunya and aakhirah.
Aoa,
Sister, for you and your husband the problem is 'money'. I'll tell you a simple thing which Randy Pausch mentioned in his 'Last Lecture'
"People are more important than things."
Once you and your husband will realize this than you both will stop varying about small things like money.
Also, apparently you were brought up in an environment where your parents were rich and your 'living standard' was better than what your husband can provide you right now. The disparity between the two environments is also causing you feel many small things which are perhaps normal for your husband. Please do not hold these things against him. Perhaps communicating with him but not TELLING him that you are not used to these things will help.
You guys are valuing money/things more in your life than each other and that is causing the problems. I hope both of you can sort this out and learn to value each other as husband and wife.
My 2 cents.
regards.
.
As salamu alaykum sister Aisha,
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Thank you for sharing, I know the feeling of not having money to buy food, it is scary, it is not a question of not being used to, it is a question that your main needs should be covered, if they are not you feel shaked to your roots. Now you are facing your pregnancy and that you will have a baby to feed that will have their own needs and expenses, I can put myself in your shoes, I understand why you feel safer in your mother´s house.
Dear sister don´t cope with his lies, he knows he is acting wrongly and that is why he is lying to his family, and it seems that he already is very conscious of your family´s financial security, if he doesn´t give you money, you will look for a job, as you have done or you can get it from your family, as you will do.
Now you are in a very vulnerable position, all your being will change to be a mother and your need to protect your baby will increase your need of security, he may change too, he may feel the need of protecting you and your baby, insha´Allah. With pregnancy you may feel weird feelings towards him for a while, don´t worry about that is normal, it will pass, insha´Allah . Don´t let him insult you, treat him with respect and ask him for the same.
Give yourself a time to reflect in your relationship, it seems you loved him that is why you marry him, then look for in your Heart which were the reasons that made you marry him and keep them fresh in time to remember what was important for you at that time, and may still be important now too. He is the father of your baby. Your parenthood will make you to look at life in a different angle, everything will be different, then take your time to see what is really important for you, insha´Allah.
Keep focus on Allah(swt) for guidance, pray your salat, make duas and live as many good experiences you can to give your baby as many good memories you can to dream when he/she is born, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It always concerns me when I hear things like this as it reflects a lot to the early days of my own marriage. My ex husband began this way and became more and more abusive over the years and more selfish with it. He would bully me into asking for help from my family who are good people of good financial standing. They would always help because of their love for me and in the hope the help would allow him to find a good job but even when he did find this he did not offer to pay them back or put his income into the household. He spent his income on himself "My hard work, my money" was his belief and my concerns were swept aside.
Sadly this wore me down for years and I became weak and depressed, only becoming free when a good friend helped me. By this point my husband had gone from being mentally and verbally abusive to actual physical abuse. To top this I was left embarrassed when around my family as he owed them over £8,000.
Anyone who now writes personal accounts like your own, my advice is always to keep a record of everything that is said/ promised and any aggresive acts commited and consult a good friend on this. I am sure that you will not need to worry, that things will work out for the better and he will realise his mistakes, hopefully before the child is born. However I would feel negligable if I did not suggest this, I have heard of too many women going through similar and the situation worsening before anything is done about it.
All my love and hope for your health and well being and that of your unborn child x
Please don't bring a child into a difficult situation like this - that is selfishness plain and simple. You expect the child to solve what you are unable to- what sort of parent places such a burden on their child??
Children need a positive, healthy, supportive and nurturing environment to grow into strong, sensible adults with a sense of right vs wrong. Either wait till you can solve your problems before having children or dont have a child if you cannot give them the above. As much as everyone says "abortion" is bad- remember you have punished the child for life if you make them live through a bad environment and negativity in their growing years.
People who have difficult childhoods are most likely to be displaced mis-adjusted adults and go on to become victims or enablers of similar negativity.
Please think of your unborn child's happiness and future before taking further steps. No child can solve something that is already damager/broken . Your husband may love the child but it doesnt mean the child will be oblivious forever to the issues and the disturbed relationship between his/her parents. Stop such injustice against children and humanity!