Unsure of what action to take over mother’s adultery
I am a simple 28yrs old woman. I have my own family, a caring husband and 2 sons. I am happily living with them in Bangkok. We are Muslims. My father and mother are living in a different country. I have one brother who has his own life and living with his wife in Australia.
Here my problem is with my mother. 4yrs ago when I went to paternal house to deliver my second child. I got to know my mother had had an extra marital affair with a person whom we know very well.
I talked with my mother and tried to stop it over there. I thought as she knows I know that she will not go further.
But just few days ago she had gone through a major operation. And that moment my father called me and told me that he has found out that there is something going on between my mother and that guy.
The person with whom my mom has relation is someone in whom my dad invested lots of money in his business. My dad got completely shattered and thinking what he will do. He talked with me but I didn't disclose that I knew it before. Now I can't make a decision.
Though my dad was asking me to go after sometimes to their house and open the issue in front of my mother that my father knew about her relationship. But I am scared because my mother has suicidal tendencies. Because my grandmother also killed herself. I just want to know can Islam give me that right to judge my mother?
I love my mother a lot and my father also.
Please help me out. Which is wrong and which is right.
- lopa_as
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Autho billahi min ash shaytaan nir Rajeem - Bismillah hir Rahman nir Raheem
Your situation is extremely serious and I can only imagine the state you are in right now. I am sorry to hear you have to go through such a thing, especially for your father. This is my opinion I will share and hope that if it's good then Insha'Allah you will accept it and if it is not then Insha'Allah the All Knowing will protect you from it.
Adultery is a serious offense in Islam. If the person admits to it, it is even worse because there is no shadow of a doubt they are guilty of such a crime and according to Shar'iah their punishment is stoning to death. Perhaps that will be a means of easing their burden on the day of Judgement.
Having said that I'm not saying you should carry out Shar'iah law, the laws of the country must be followed. My point is that the wrong she committed is very severe. Even though so many people in today's world are openly committing adultery does not this make this sin any less of a sin. It is still a major sin in Islam.
I don't think it would of benefit for you to tell your father that you knew previously because it will only cause to hurt him further. I do believe though if your father has requested you to confront your mother about it then you should oblige. My reason is because what he is asking you is not sinful or wrong, he is the person that has been humiliated, wronged and hurt. As for what your mother chooses to do thereafter, this you must put your trust in Allah subhanu wa tala and pray for her. You cannot forsee what she will do, nor is suicide "genetic" from my understanding. Suicide is haram and you need to make this explicitly clear that (I will paste hadith below concerning the punishment for those who commit suicide). You need to understand your mother is a grown woman who has chosen to pick evil over good. She has wronged herself and InshaAllah she will find a way back to Allah subhanhu wa tala; The Most Merciful, Most Forgiving. Every action has a consequence, your mother has to deal with hers... as painful as it is for you to see.
May Allah subhanhu wa tala guide you to what is good, make it easy for your family, give your father patience and forgive your mother for her wrongs...Ameen
Umm Abdullah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Excerpt from http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/70363/suicide
Praise be to Allaah.
Suicide is a major sin. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) stated that the one who commits suicide will be punished with something like that with which he killed himself.
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself will be in the Fire of Hell, throwing himself down therein for ever and ever. Whoever takes poison and kills himself, his poison will be in his hand and he will be sipping it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron, that piece of iron will be in his hand and he will be stabbing himself in the stomach with it in the Fire of Hell, for ever and ever.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5442; Muslim, 109.
It was narrated from Thaabit ibn al-Dahhaak (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever kills himself with something in this world will be punished with it on the Day of Resurrection.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5700; Muslim, 110.
It was narrated that Jundub ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Among those who came before you there was a man who was wounded and he panicked, so he took a knife and cut his hand with it, and the blood did not stop flowing until he died. Allaah said: ‘My slave hastened to bring about his demise; I have forbidden Paradise to him.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3276; Muslim, 113.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) refrained from offering the funeral prayer for one who had committed suicide, as a punishment to him and so as to deter others from doing what he had done. But he gave the people permission to offer the funeral prayer for him, so it is Sunnah for the people of knowledge and virtue not to offer the funeral prayer for one who has committed suicide, following the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
It was narrated that Jaabir ibn Samurah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: A man who had killed himself with a broad arrow-head was brought to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and he did not offer the funeral prayer for him. Narrated by Muslim, 978.
respcted sister,
The above reply is very much rite according to me. since your father is asking u to confront ur mother..u plz do tlk to her. telin him that u already knw the situation will mayb worsen the situation for him..as he may feel betrayed on ur side.
try and talk to your mother. as she is very much adult ,she must be knowing islam..u just have to remind her of the sin she is comiting. try to make her guilty and realise that she is at fault.
also i would like to add here is that try and be understanding and then explain things..she might then open up.
accordingly fear of akhirat to person can save him/her from commiting a grave sin.
allah is the most merciful.may allah guide her and thus solve your problem.
il defintly pray for you.
jazakallah khair
Assalamualaikum sister. I don't want you to feel that you are alone in this. I'm 17 and my mom did the same thing to my father over the course of four years, from 1997-2001 when they separated. She never admit to it even though there was strong evidence against her. They divorced in 2004, and she married the guy she was cheating with. My situation though is I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be with my mother now. I've confronted her many times, but not once has she ever admitted to it. I got to a point where I don't speak to her and haven't seen her for about 5 months, which I'm perfectly ok with. But I still don't think it's the Islamic thing to do, because from what's constantly stressed is that we're supposed to take care of our mother three times before our father, so if anyone can help me out here, I need to know how I should act with my mother. It's been killing me for quite a while now... basically my whole life. Jazzakallahu Khairum
You must ask yourself why this has happened. But you cannot answer. Only your mother can. She must have been unhappy and depressed by her relationship with your father and did this because it made her happy. Love her because you have only one mother. Feel sad with your dad because you have only one father. But you cannot judge them because you are not in their shoes. Your father also knows why she was driven to do this even if he will not admit it out loud. But don't let him use you because he is afraid to even ask her about it. This may be part of the problem and why their marriage failed. Not enough communication and too much fear of where the communications will lead. Maybe your father wants you to bring it up knowing that your mother will not be able to tell you why she dislikes your father in front of you. But he is trying to use you. Remember, if you are hungry you will eat. If she needed emotional support, she will love the person who gives it to her.
To the person who said suicide is not genetic, that is not correct. It runs in families. So it is genetic to a large extent.
Miss Eve i don't know if you are aware of Islamic Teachings and Society but i will highly recommend you to keep your own personal views to yourself and respect a Muslim Man's emotions but refraining from justifying adultery ! We are humans not animals ! Humans have the strength of restraint and contention within themselves which separate man from an animal. Sure science may classify us as part of animal kingdom but we are humans. If anyone, not just woman ( man too ) is unhappy and feel they can not live with their partner must take a divorce to find a new suitor. However, lack of emotional fulfillment does not warrant adultery. If any person feel they can not live with their partner then they must opt to divorce and once divorced they have right to marry who ever they wish to peruse but not commit to adultery or extra marital affairs.
First of all, Adultery is a heinous crime which violates the doctrine and institution of marriage. A Holy Institution to allow human race to grow and sustain in an orderly manner. Within Islam Adultery ( definite intercourse ) is punishable by capital punishment. However, it is ordered to follow the country's laws for the case with regards to the crime/situation. Adultery must be considered as an abhorrent act (crime ) and should be discouraged in any case and must not be justified. Islam clearly defines this world as a temporary abode and thus the hardships of this world are minuscule compared to the blessing of heaven in world hereafter. However, Allah has also commanded Muslims to be forgiving, compassionate and patient. Allah Almighty, The Judge, will always reward everyone for their patience - non-Muslims in this world and Muslims in this world or world hereafter.
What happened with you my brother is unfortunate. I can not even begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through your parents divorce under such ugly circumstances. However, you must understand that whatever happened you must not look at things from one perspective. Until proven guilty, a person can not be decreed criminal even if there is "strong evidence" present. Hence, unless your mother was proven an adulteress you should not consider her one. As per Islamic teachings if your mother wasn't proven an adulteress and took a divorce from your father to marry the other man then she did nothing wrong. Whatever happened between your parents was unfortunate then. However, if she did, May God forgive, commit to adultery then as per my opinion you should separate yourself from her as you will not be misbehaving with her.
My advice would be to respect her when you meet her. If you meet her, treat her with respect, at least, if not love. However, God loves those who forgive. You must make sure to full fill your duty. That is to take care of parents and respect them if they need. However, since your mother decided to marry in Islamic terms she lost her custody over you but you still are her child. Thus, it is not entirely upto you to take care of her given she decided to give your custody up and start a new life with another man. However, if you do chose to take care of her then Allah will be most pleased with you and we all must strive for His pleasure.
Hadith on Adultery : Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “The one who commits an illegal sexual intercourse is not a believer at the time of committing illegal sexual intercourse and a thief is not a believer at the time of committing theft and a drinker of alcoholic drink is not a believer at the time of drinking. Yet, (the gate of) repentance is open thereafter.”
Sahih Al-Bukhari – Book 82 Hadith 801