Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife doesn´t trust me, please advise

Asalaam mu lai kum wah rah ma tillah,

sad man sitting thinking

I seek marriage guidance and advise.  I am 27 years of age and have been married for 6 months.  I am a practicing muslim and pray 5 days a day and have been to do ummrah.

I married a divorce whom has a 5 year old son from Pakistan.  Since my marriage my wife always makes false accusations that I am cheating on her and  has pushed me away from my din so much that I have stopped praying now and attending my weekly Zhikr mehfils.

I am constantly been accused of cheating, lying, talking to girls (I work as a trainee accountant and work in an office which she doesn´t agree with) she has recently started accusing me of sleeping with prostitutes now.  I feel so low and have lost all confidence in myself.  She doesn´t allow me to do anything I even have to ask her if I can go to my own mothers house.  Due to the constant accusation and control I have got rid of my mobile phone, she is that controlling that she fights with me even if I ring a friend without her being present. I only used my mobile to read quran and hadith when I am free.  Before marriage I always visited my fathers grave but since being married I have now stopped as she always accuses me of doing non islamic things.  Her first marriage was very tough and broke down due to her ex-husband cheating on her and sleeping with other girls.  Marshallah I have 6 older sisters and 1 brother.

My situation is that bad when I pray salah I can never even finish my dua's because I use my phone and read the arabic translation in english to give me that inner peace of knowing what I am reading.   She stands there waiting for me to finish and then accuses me of texting girls........while I am praying!

After marriage I was told that she only married me because she liked my mother and that everybody needs to get married.  On my first night of marriage she argued with me because I didn´t buy her a mirror!!!!  i spent in excess of £10k to complete my own house and pay for my wedding.  She didn´t seem to understand that I ran out of funds for even the smaller things.  I spent £4k on her and only £200 on my whole outfit!  she is very controlling and because of her behaviour I have lost two jobs because she constantly rings me and argues with me.  If I don´t answer her calls she threatens to leave me.  I love her but she doesn´t love me that hurts the most she tells me that she can never love a low life and stupid person like me so my response to that was why did she marry me she told me that this was because I am a caring person : (

Her friends husband cheated on her.   She has this perception that all guys are the same.  She won´t let me out of her sight as she as she sits in my car she demands my phone I give it her to save arguments.  She doesn´t give me no salaam or ask me how I am.  She will spend around 5 hours a month going through my phone bill to see who I have been calling.  I have nothing to hide but she is very persistant in trying to find some thing on me.  But there's nothing for to find out because I'm loyal and have no need to cheat on her because I know that everybody has to die on day and answer to Allah.  Even if I receive junk mail from dating websites or any of my old school friends email me she physically slaps to the point where even if I'm asleep.  This life I am living is torture she only told me that she is only staying in this country for her son and has thoughts about having anymore children 🙁

I am falling ill and am at the verge of loosing everything because I may have to declare myself bankrupt.  I have spoken to scholars and they have advised me that this person is very broken down and that I should do sabr (be patient) how patient can a person be?  she fights and argues with me everyday......  this is my wife when i pick her up from work because I no longer own a fancy car she will walk away from my car and wait for colleagues to go before she will sit in my car.  Can you please help and advise me???  I really don´t know what to and close friends have told me to leave this right if i do........


Tagged as: , , , , , , , , ,

22 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    Brother this is not a marriage what you have, it seems like a life of total misery and the surprising thing is that as a man you don't have the sense or the courage to ask her to get her act together.

    I think everyone was understanding of your wife's thoughts, however the final comment you made about her being too ashamed to get into an unfancy car, that gives a true indication of her character. There are many decent women out there who will not treat you in this way and there is no excuse for her behaviour, whether she was cheated on or not, she cannot put everyone in the same bucket.

    She most certainly had no right in marrying again without fixing her own mental issues, how dare someone bring their own problems and mental issues on another innocent party.

    You continue your prayers, Allah is watching you. As a man you probably have the force to over power her, if she gets physically aggressive push her away and offer your prayers and do your thing peacefully.

    At the end of the day, no one here can tell you what to do, it's your choice whether to stay with her or not, but if she doesn't change, you really will have no other option but to divorce her.

    Insha'allah she changes and your marriage can be a happy one.

    • I concur with John Fisher's advice, though I can't figure out how did you end up marrying such a woman. Did you try to get to know her before you got married. She sounds like someone who really doesn't think twice about her actions and is very reckless in her behaviour.
      You really need to take charge of the situation and give her ultimatum. This insanity got to stop.

    • Salaam John, thank you very much for your response. You state that I dont have the courage to ask her to get her act together. I do but i just gets threats everyday. I do admit she has made me very insecure about myself and I have lost all my self esteem. Shes even convinced me im a looser. i have started to pray my salah in the masjid with the jamaat and the amount of arguments this has created and gap this has caused is unbelieveable 🙁 shes threatening me with divorce because she doesnt believe me when im saying to her that im going ot pray she thinks im going else where. I offer her to come with me and sit in my car while I go to pray but she refuses to do so.

      She said that if she cant see where i am she doesnt trust me. Everyday at work she sends me the nastiess messages and fights me from fajr to bed time. I dont know what to mum wants me to leave this girl now because of the impact this is having on my health.

  2. Salams Brother,

    I think I know what your wife's problem is. It is not a question of gender but a question of confidence

    and self-trust. Your wife doesn't believe in herself and her first husband cheated on her. Now,

    psychologically, she can't trust any men. Instead of getting married again, she should have sought

    the help of a good therapist who could help her out. This is an unbearable situation, for both of you.

    She is suffering tremendously, and it's not her fault. Controlling and dominant people oppress others

    because of a lack of self-esteem. When others are afraid of them or obey them, they feel confirmed

    in the confidence they are lacking. She needs help, force her to go to a therapist. She has to

    understand that she has a problem. She doesn't want to terrorize you, she feels so low and worthless

    that she believes your are cheating on her. She thinks others are more loveable and better than her.

    At the moment, you seem to be afraid of her and that' s why

    you tolerate this situation. You don't need to tolerate this. Tell her to get some help. You can't help

    her and I doubt that Allah subhanahu va taala can. If she is not religious, you could suggest her to

    find peace in the religion of Islam to feel more confident.

    I hope Allah solves your problem

  3. I just have one question.. Have u ever given her a reason not to trust u?

    • salaam, there is no reason for her not to trust she has her eyes on me 24-7 i dont go anywhere with her and she has full access to mobile phone bills and emails :'(

  4. As salamu alaykum, Yunis,

    I agree with everyone above.

    Marriage doesn´t mean that you have to stand such intolerable behaviour, she has to put order in her emotional and mental state, she should go to counselling, she has no right to abuse you emotionally or psycologically, and you are not better person for tolerating such an abusive behaviour. She has traspassed the barriers of what is permited, you have no life, .... please don´t get used to this unhealthy behaviour, that is not love, it is a question that you belong to her.

    Go to your roots, talk to her to seek for help, better now than later, you cannot allow her to ruin your life the way she is doing, if you let this situation go further you are going to be the one to look for counselling to get out of all the misery you are allowing her to throw on you.

    I don´t like to tell you to think about divorce, but what she did to you about the car, hurt my Heart deeply, then at some point, I think there is something it cannot be healed by counselling, it is just her nature,she gives a lot of importance to material things, then, think deeply if you want to have children and live all your life with a woman that feels ashamed of you.

    You deserve to be loved in a healthy way, this is not healthy for you and for her. Both of you are in constant suffering, I am really sorry for her child too, if he has to watch his mum through all this stuff, must be extremly painful.

    Pray, do your salat on time, be sweet but firm, loving but straight, you need to go back to your roots, to your routines, that will bring you Peace to your Heart. She must respect you, and this is a must, you deserve to be respected.

    At the top of the page you have a link with duas and other one with Istikhara, will help you to be guided in this difficult situation, insha´Allah.

    May Allah(swt) give Light, Love, Respect and Comfort to our Hearts. Ameen.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María Editor

    • salaam,

      everybody keeps telling me to be a man, its so difficult to live with this person. My sister has recently been diagnosed with cancer at the age of 41 i pray you all make dua for her and that allah helps me and my family through this tough time. Alot has happened since i last posted my question. She will not let me visit my sister, i get threatened with divorce if i say im going to meet my family :'( i went out for a meal with some of my school friend on the way to the restaurant she rang me and started shouting at me and told me that i had to go home. One of my friends ever heard what she said to me and last minute changed his plans and lied for me and said he had to go home :'( why should people have to lie and make things upto for me because my wife is nasty to me :'( im sick of lieing to people so that i can get out of the house no more but she doesnt like it!

      Im am getting very ill....she has so much anger in her i cant bare anymore :'( her brother told me to be a man when i told him i go outside and punch walls because she be's so nasty to me i cause myself harm he was so mad he told me to slap her one across her face i still refuse to do this :'( I met one of my school friends in town while shopping and she came over to say hi to me because she hasnt seen me in over 3 years....straight away my accused me of doing things with her because she said hello to me :'( she has now started ringing guys in front of me to make me jealous but the worse thing is even if she slept with somebody it wouldnt half as much hurt me as much she has hurt me can anybody be a man with a person like this?

      she will not seek professional help as i get told that im the one with the issues? im sick of crying and because i dont cry anymore i go to the mosque and pray she thinks im upto no good....i refuse to let her get between me and allah now......

      • Wasalam Brother Yunis,

        Your desperation breaks my Heart.

        You are a man and you are acting as a man, you are being straight with her, but don´t let this situation go further, if she refuses to get help, get out of there, she is becoming dangerous to you.

        You are entering limits of endurance that are not healthy, your content rage it is taken you to hit yourself, this is not a healthy behaviour, please get out of there, don´t feel guilty, she is not sane, and you can loose literally your health with a person like this.

        If you don´t want don´t divorce, but separate, go back with your family, don´t care about others opinion(specially her brother, his advice tells me about the kind of behaviour she is used to, Astagfiroullah), take care of yourself, don´t lie anymore, work on your deen, build up your iman, and please, don´t let her ruin your life, if you need to seek for counselling to help you to go through this trial, go, feel proud you are a man, don´t listen to those that want to bring out the dark side we all of us have, keep striving to the light but far from her, insha´Allah.

        Please, fight for your life, you don´t deserve to create an illness because you don´t know how to deal with her, she needs to acknowledge she has a problem, but all that she thinks is that you are the problem, no way to get an understanding until she realizes that she has traspassed the limits of a healthy person.

        Please, let her family care about her, you go to your family and care about yourself, you need that time out, insha´Allah.

        She is awakening the agressivity in you, don´t let this situation go further because until now you are controlling yourself, but what happens if one day goes beyond your limits, you are still on time, insha´Allah.

        I will have all of you in my duas, insha´Allah.

        All my Unconditional Respect,

        María Editor

      • Salaam dear brother yunis.
        If she is refusing help and continuing with her behaviour then you should leave her. It seems her behaviour is getting worse. Don't let drive you to insanity dear brother. No one deserves such disgusting treatment. It doesnt matter what her issues are- focus on yourself. I agree with sister Maria - that you should focus on your deen and yourself and leave her and go to your family. Do not be afraid to divorce her if you can - but the first and foremost - get away from her.

        I will pray for your sister InshaAllah and will pray that you find peace away from this so-called wife of yours.

        Sara Editor

  5. She is physically abusing you. She is emotionally abusing you. She does not look to be mentally stable.

    I think, you should take control of things and be firm with her. You should sit with her and tell her that ENOUGH is enough. She is your wife and she must act like one. Tell her to put her act together no matter what bad happened to her as sh*t happens. But as her husband, I think you should help her to navigate these problems. "John Fisher" is right that she should have sorted these problem before. But what is done is done. She made a mistake, but should not be punished with divorce or being harsh with her. But yes be firm/strict with her when she transgresses her limits, so that she knows the boundaries.

    May be Allah(s.w.t.) brought her to your life so that she and her child can find better path with your guidance. But they cannot be guided unless you start to take things in your hand and tell her what her boundaries are. Brother since you are a man and you are on the receiving end of physical and emotional abuse nobody on this forum is saying you to leave her(Although many advisors on this site will tell a woman to leave the husband if there is a small sign of physical abuse). I'll say if her abuse reaches to a point where your life is in danger then you should take care of your safety first. Even with her physical abuse I'll say you can handle it, to stop it right there. But please control yourself while doing and do not raise your hand on her. As emotional and physical abuse problems in my understanding can be resolved with psychological help and one is not transgressing Allah's 'hadd' while doing that (I am in no way saying its OK to do it). But this require patience from you and her realization of her problems and cooperation from her.

    My 2 cents.


    • As salamu alaykum concerned,

      I hope you don´t mind I quote this words you said in other post:

      """"...... in islam, a husband is suppose to be Imam of the family. He should lead his wife and children for a better life in this world and hereafter. This includes different aspects of life. A husband must know the difference between halal/haram 'rizq'. He should be knowledgeable enough so that he can help his wife and children to follow islam in a better way."

      And you have said this in this post " May be Allah(s.w.t.) brought her to your life so that she and her child can find better path with your guidance. "

      Ameen to your prayer.

      Alhamdulillah, concerned, you are giving him back the power that Allah(swt) gave to him being born a muslim man.

      In the other post you said too: "...As In Quran Allah says:

      "Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe," without being put to the test?" [29:2]

      He may relate to this too.

      Alhamdulillah, concerned, thank you very much for sharing your Light.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María Editor

  6. your being bullied. stick up for yourself. or leave. if i was you id leave..

  7. Brother,

    Your wife definetly needs to see a counselor. She is still suffering the effects of being cheated on the first time. She wants to take revenge, She is still hurting and she is being VERY VERY overpossesive which isn't good. She is still frustrated with her past. She needs to let go of her past. She could be having a vey hard time doing this, that's why you should force her to seek help from a counselor. You've been through enough already but don't leave her in this state. Let her seek help and see if she changes.

    if she doesn't:

    You should also speak up. Don't let this emotional abuse continue. Don't let her control you. You're not a two-year old.


  8. Salaams brother Yunis

    I feel your pain brother. I agree with everyone’s comments on here your wife is treating you the way she was treated by her first husband and hasn’t let go of the past she didn’t actually heal within time FACT maybe she shouldn’t have re-married as you are suffering the hands of this woman and she cant see what she is doing to you and it is not fair on you this is mental/emotional abuse. I truly believe she should seek help not settle scores maybe if you address these issues maybe it will make her think of her wrong doings and I hope you find the strength and courage to fulfil your namaz and dua’s to stay married and happy sabr is what you do but at the end of the day this woman is blind and she cant see what she doing is so wrong.

    To brother John Fisher how can this brother ask his wife to get her act together when she don’t realise what she doing is wrong she is too blind to see what she has rather than not loving and respecting her husband. It is like for example as if my parents choose my husband as arrange marriage and I say yes who knows what kismet will lie you don’t actually know brother what the person is really like people have 2 sides to them both men and women until you marry them. In this case unfortunately brother married a divorcee who may not love him or know how to love because she’s not shown how to love due to her experience before but that she no excuse that this brother should suffer.

    I hope and pray this brother gets through this difficult time amen w/salaams

  9. Assalaamu alaikum brother Yunis.
    I'm sorry to hear the difficulties you are going through - it sounds like undergoing some serious emotional and even physical torture. You do not deserve to be treated this way and I personally believe that you can divorce if you wish. Regardless of what she has been through, what she is doing is unacceptable. Do you want to fix this marriage or do you want to divorce - you are within your rights to divorce if you wish.

    Have you tried speaking to her nicely and suggesting she go for counselling and address this issue. I agree that to fix it you have to restore the balance. Be firm with her - let her know that you are no longer going to tolerate this - it needs to be sorted otherwise you will have to leave. At the same time don't be harsh or mean. Let her know you want to help her through this - but it has to change.

    I also found a good quote which is appropriate: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." So from now on, don't let her push you around or treat you this way. She is knocking your confidence down because she herself feels underconfident - its often something which bullies do.

    Most importantly if there is no change after some time/ she refuses to acknowledge she must change or she gets worse then I'd say leave her to her problems.

    Only Allah knows whether it can be saved or not, try but resume praying - it will strengthen you and you need Allah swt. We all do. Also seek Allahs guidance through istakhaarah dua. See the links at the top of the page for info on how to do istakhaarah.

    May Allah swt guide you to the best decision and give you happiness in this life and the next!

    Sara Editor

  10. Assalamualaikum

    Her behaviour shows that she got hurt from her first marriage and in that marriage she loved the guy and felt betrayed. And now she married you as a compromise probably to get away with all the life she had to face in pakistan as a divorced woman with a kid. She is not happy with your status or anything you have to offer. There is a possibility that she probably hate your guts. I think you gotto to tackle it very cleverly here. With depression and crying you wont be able to win her. You have to take everything away from her so she might realize. Seprate nicely from her. Give her a few months. Let her make her choices. If she wants to leave let her go nicely and respectfully. If she wants to stay then on your terms.

    Weak guys are not attractive to bold women. She is a strong personality your politeness cannot tackle the situation. Make yourself brave and stand up to things. Dont let her think that you are in love with her. If it doesnt work then she might be still in love with her x. If personality clash so much then there might not be any other solution. Only Allah knows.

    I pray everything works out for you....inshAllah......please try to pray, start from fajr inshAllah...

  11. brother, it is an obligation for you to leave her and i'll tell you why.

    the prophet[saww] said "Three people make du’as, but they will not be answered! the first is a man who had under him (in marriage) a woman who of bad character (saya'at alkhuluq), yet he did not divorce her. (the second is) a man who gave some money as a debt to another man, yet he did not use any witnesses. (the third is) a man who gave his money to a fool even though Allah says, “And do not give fools your money.(an-nisa, 5)”

    (declared authentic by Al hakim in his mustadrak, al dhahabi, and al albani in saheeh Al-jaami')

    brother, you are that first man, this woman is eating up not only your youthood [and making your hair go grey] but ALSO YOUR DU'AA TO ALLAAH

    if you dont want to discipline her, then please take her out of the house and give her 3 times on the spot.

    • The practise of giving talaaq "3 times on the spot" is very unislamic and a big sin at the very least. This much has been accepted by all scholars so it is something that should never be encouraged.

      We should instead go back to reviving the Sunnah, that of talaaq being done the way it SHOULD be done. 3 talaaqs with intervals, and which actually makes sense too.

      Was salaam

      • thanks for myour correction.

        you said 3 pronouncements with intervals, but i would like to ask what the verse in surah baqarah means " [attalaaq] divorce is two times"

        what does it mean?

        • It refers to the fact that if the the first time the husband utters divorce, he has the right to reconcile with her or take her back. And again the second time. However, if he pronounces divorce a third time (these are all on separate occasions), he cannot take her back, and the divorce is irrevocable.


  12. Salaam,

    This is bang out of order. There is no excuse for such behaviour. She should never get married, first she needed a good therapy like some of the sisters suggested. Dont ruine your life and wait for her to change. Make it clear that you need a space for a some time, and at the mean time advice her to get some help.

    Tell her this is not healthy relationship, and when you got married you did not planned to have this kind of life.

    You do understand her past might have caused her to be insecure and not to be able to trust any one, but you should not be punished for something which you had nothing to do with.

    Seperation will give her time to reflect back on whats right whats wrong, and more important to alter her behaviour if she is wise and do love you for real.

    Within this period you will know if it is meant to be, or you are wasting your time. Because people dont know what they have till its gone. she keep doing this because you have not put your foot down, you have not draw a line.

    Now, because she know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing or not, she will be suprised if you do this - Explain your self well, dont repeat or open an argument and leave her. She need to know that you are a man and when you make a desicion you stand with it. Say it in a polite and respectful manner and leave it like that. She need to know you are heart is made of flash not steel and you can only take to a certain limit. She need to know that you are not scrared to lose her if she does not change.

    Sad thing in all this story is that, you can easly identified this lady do not have islamic morals. Because no woman in islam will threat or do haraam with another man to get back at their husband. Because when you preserve your self you dont do it for your husband , you do it for allah.

    Brother dont have a view all marrieges are like this, you are just unfortunate. islamic marriege is a beautiful thing. Get your self a pious muslimah if it doesn't work. marrying a practising muslimah matters BIG TIME. make sure she is kind this time.


Leave a Response