Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife hates me, what shall I do?

leaves floating, falling into pieces, falling apart

 

Salam alaykum,

I am wondering can any one can give me the correct advice acording to the quran and sunnah in relation to a few issues I am having in my marriage. Firstly, I would like to say that: 1) What does one do when ones wife says to her husband that she hates him, yet never say that she loves him? Does this call for divorce as I believe that I do my best and work hard all day to pay the bills and from time to time my wife does help me financially which I am greatful for? 2) Secondly, I have in the past made some errors which were that to relieve stress I used to somke weed. However I have given that up yet my wife keeps on reminding me of what a henious thing I did. What do I do?

 Thank you


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12 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Brother kmuni,

    May Allah make is easy for you.

    What can you do?
    1. Make Du'aa to Allah to help you and give love in between your hearts
    2. Read the Qur'an, make it a mirror to see your faults, try to work out on them, see where you have gone forward and where do you lag behind
    3. Pray more, give help to poor and feed the yateem, the orphans, do small acts of charity from what Allah has given you.
    4. Love her more, without expecting her to say she loves you. Make her feel she is the most desired and beautiful woman in the world, love her a lot, by words and actions and intentions of course and do not expect any return now. Insha Allah, if you do so continously, she will realize how much she loves you and might well start to say as well.

    Allah gives love, shaytaan brings in hate.

    Do good, be kind, make good usage of words. Read the Qur'an with meanings with her, better is to give her importance and if she is willing, sit by her side, close to her, ask her to read the Qur'an for you with meanings and Insha Allah, this will help both of you to be under the blessed company of Allah together and this blessing and Scripture full of healing will heal your wounds.

    I hope this works for you Insha Allah and if not, you may get back to us with her response.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  2. As salamu alaykum, brother kmuni,

    Marriage is team work, sit with your wife and ask her what does she expects from you and from your marriage life?, begin from cero and build up the foundations of a healthy marriage, insha´Allah.

    Be a living example for her of straight behaviour and at the same time acknowledge with your acts that you love her, tell her how much you love her, kiss her, say it in the ear, hold her waist, bring her close to you in a soft loving way, she is your wife, awakes her need of you, be loving and soft, she will melt, insha´Allah.

    Don´t try all of this the same day, if you are not used to behave like this, give a bit today, a bit more tomorrow, be like the drop that polish the stone falling always in the same place, if she is bitter, she can change that is just a condition, and if she is not forgiving you, work yourself your forgiveness towards her, ask Allah(swt) to help you and to guide you, insha´Allah.

    I am not going to advise you to divorce, I am advicing you to try to solve your problems and look for solutions, she is attracting your attention behaving like that, let her talk, complain, whatever don´t fight back, don´t try to defend yourself and you will see like everything will return to the straight path, insha´Allah.

    Give her what you want her to give to you, insha´Allah.

    Listen to the Adhan, try to make your salat on time, share with her duas that you will learn, insha´Allah, Feel Allah(swt) Omnipresent in your Life and you will feel the difference, insha´Allah.

    I recommend you to read this inspirational post:

    http://islamicsunrays.com/be-the-person-you-are-looking-for/

    And I am going to share this beautiful reading related to marriage life:

    On Marriage in Islam

    by Dr. Sherif Mohammed

    By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

    She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you;

    When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

    The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187).

    Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

    The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72) Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

    But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

    Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating.

    Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said "one would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife."

    Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car's door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

    Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

    .......

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Well if she is giving you a hard time because you used to smoke weed then maybe your better off without her. That is such a small thing for her to be mad about. You seem like a good hearted man if you are coming in here concerned about your marriage so I give you credit for that and wish there was more of you out there. If you really love her then just try to work it out. Like the other guy said, try to make her feel special but if you are already doing that and you feel she does not feel the same especially after you talked to her then ask her if she wants to leave. Maybe she will think twice about how she treats you. I wish you the best and hope it works out.

  4. Always try to work things out first but brother if you don't get any joy out of this that means she wants to end it and I would be strong and open about this; give her space, time to make a very difficult decision. I hope insallah it works out for you and I make dua for her so Allah can guide her better and come to a good decision -Ameen.

  5. Salaam

    May Allah Bless you all.

    I also am suffering from the fact that my wife hates me, in return I love her endlessly, she hates being with me, she hates how I look, she hates me to the extent that she has told me many times she wishes I die. Every night I curl up in a corner and cry myself to sleep and now I hate myself. I know if I walk away I'll lose my children who I love and could not bare to be apart from and they are all I have.
    I work hard come home cook clean and as a slave do anything she asks of me, if she wants anything I make sure she has it. What can I do?? Please someone help me please.

    • Brother Ur-Rehman, is your wife mentally ill? Does she suffer from depression or extreme mood swings? If so then medical treatment may benefit her.

      If not, and it's only you she hates, then I would say divorce her, and work out an agreement by which you can still see your children and spend time with them. How can someone live with a woman who wishes death on him? That's no kind of life and certainly no kind of marriage.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. I really can't imagine how can a Muslim wife wishes for her husband death specially when he is treating her good according to islam...

    Only Allah knows what's happening

    My opinion is like brother said , it's really impossible to live with a women like that. No wonder shaitan is trying to break your family but you really can't change your wife if she doesn't want herself.

  7. i have the same problem, my wife hates me and always brings up the past.
    I cook , clean, make food wash kids, sit with homework.
    she hardly does anything, go to work come home into the room and go back to work leaving the room in a state.
    she turned muslim and now is saying that she is now Christians coz we muslims are losers.
    I have 4 kids, she say I take two and she take 2, but I am afraid that she will turn the two to Christianity.
    I am not perfect and yes I was messed up in the past over 10 tears ago.
    she is always bringing up the past and verbally abuses me daily.
    she say I am old and boring, she is on another buzz, going out and partying....we just bought a home together but she say why I just go....

    I am lost

    • Divorce her, take the two kids, and do your best to influence the other two in whatever way you can. There's no living with a woman like this.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • easier said than done buddy.
        when you have so much to loose with the fear that your kids might go astray with the life that she wants.
        today I bought her roses, drove all the way to her work, she said thanx, but why did you buy the roses, I felt to crap, just to think I am trying.
        for the sake of my kids, i'l be there for them .....as I have no idea what it feels like to grow up with no dad in my life.

  8. we need sharia court for muslim men to deal with bad /unclean/westernized muslim women who are worse then women of other faiths///its time something is done about them//

  9. .Iam muslim she is also muslim and my family are muslim and her family also muslim. I were friend at her 2 years in school then after 2 year she started to hate me.then I left school.because I got job. Can I meet her or try to get her without forcing her by doing some plan if she hates me i didn't propose her in islam.

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