Worried about suicidal friend
I'm really worried about a friend of mine.
We've been friends for a long time, and would both look out for each other really, like good friends do. I am quite shy and suffer from anxiety, and she was the sort of person who always helped me out, and one of the few people who I feel comfortable and confident around. Unfortunately, despite always being there to help me feel better, she has suffered from severe depression for many years, and recently, it has gotten very bad to the point where she has been hospitalised several times, and twice in the past few weeks for attempted suicide.
I went to visit her whilst she was in hospital and it broke my heart. I didn't know what to say to her. For a long time now I've tried not to burden her with my problems because I feel like it's all so petty, and like she has her own stuff to deal with and I need to be supportive for her like she always has been for me. But she never wants to talk about herself, and when I see her just asks about me, as if to distract herself or to put on a front to stop me worrying. When she does talk about it, it's as though she doesn't even know herself why she feels like this, like its something that is just there, and always will be.
She has been self harming for many years by cutting and burning herself, and I knew about it but felt so helpless, and now it's even worse. I did as much research as I could on her condition and how I could help, but none of it has made the slightest bit of difference. The medication she has been prescribed isn't working, nor has counselling. I am praying for her always, but besides that I don't know what to do anymore.
She is 18 years old and this shouldn't be happening to her.
I am so frightened she will actually end up succeeding in her attempts, because she is someone who has to face depression tormenting her throughout her life, and will could have to deal with even worse in death if she commits suicide. I know suicide is a sin, but what if that person is not in their right mind?
It's not like she's saying, 'I want to kill myself because of X, Y or Z', it's just this depression that's eating away at her.
There's no one thing that's caused it that I can rationally make go away. It's a collection of things that have built up over the years and been made worse by her illness. It's like she's got two sides; the first is my friend who is funny and lovely and who I can talk to about anything and everything, and the other is this self destructive person, who hates herself and is distant and troubled.
It's so stressful and upsetting worrying about her constantly, and I can't tell anyone because it's such personal information and there is still such a stigma attached to these things that I feel like it would be a betrayal or something. I don't even feel like I have anyone who I trust enough to tell anyway. Sometimes I just get angry, because I hate that this is happening.
I hate that someone like her, who is charismatic and fun and has lots of friends and family who care about her feels this way. Aside from her I'm not very close to anyone, so how dare she feel like this when she is so loved? And then I remember that's it's not her fault, not really, and feel guilty about thinking such thoughts at all.
I've never had very many close friends, so as selfish as it sounds, I don't think I could bear to lose her because I need her around too. I'm sorry if it just sounds like a I'm rambling, but sometimes, the situation weighs down on me so heavily, and I just needed someone to listen and offer a bit of guidance.
~ Sehr
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Salaams,
It's clear to see you're in a very tough position. It is very difficult to see friends who are struggling like this, and who are hurting themselves so badly that you might lose them. I myself feel badly when I see people who are so chained by their emotions and states that they can't find a way out, and resort to desperate measures like your friend has.
While reading your post all I could think is that she needs a stronger support system. Needless to say, you alone could not be that support system. I know you said she has been through counseling and has tried meds, but if she is still struggling I can't help but think she hasn't had the right counselors and meds. Usually, if someone is having a hard time after being professionally treated, and has been in the hospital multiple times, and is still suicidal after two recent attempts, it's time for them to spend a few months or longer in a residential setting that will provide the intense focus she needs to work on her symptoms. It sounds like the hospitals are just discharging her with virtually no safety net, and so she has to keep going back. I hate to agree with you, but if she doesn't get a more structured intervention in place, on of her attempts may be fatal. I would hate to see something like that happen, for her sake and for yours...because you would be dealing with the grief of that for some time.
She's 18 now, so what she does with her treatment is going to be her own choice. I suggest you sit down with her and tell her how much she means to you and how much the friendship has made a difference in your life. Tell her all the positive things about her that you've told us, and finish by explaining to her how much it would mean to you if she tried a residential setting to help with her problems. It's kind of like rehab for those with mental illness, so there are a lot of benefits she could get from this if she's willing. If you need a listing of such places, simply let us know where you are located and we can put that together for you.
Outside of this, I strongly suggest you work on building your own support system up. Having a friend who is struggling with depression like she is will take quite a toll on you, as you are already experiencing. Develop some other strong, close friendships with girls who are a little bit healthier (I'm not saying that you should stop your friendship with this girl, but you need other kinds of friendships to balance it out). Also, it would probably help you to find a counselor of your own to discuss your own feelings with. Already you're working with guilt, hope, anger, fear, love, anxiety, concern, sadness...those are a lot of things to try to process all on your own. Plus, the better you are able to deal with your own world, the better of a friend you will ultimately be to her, and insha'Allah it will inspire her to not want to give up on life.
This type of depression is a very heavy thing, and as you can see it's bigger than what she or you can overcome with human strength alone. Yet, Allah is able to overcome and heal all imbalances, so never stop making du'a to Him to bring her ease and wholeness in her mind and emotions. We will all be hoping and believing that He will make a way for her out of this darkness, with you as the caring friend by her side.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, it's not a question of going to jahannam. Allah is forgiving and merciful. But cutting is an unhealthy and self-destructive behavior. It is always an expression of underlying stress or trauma. You need to see a therapist or counselor who can help you understand why you have this desire, and heal from whatever is causing you to do it. Do you have a school counselor? If not, how about a school nurse who can refer you to someone? You must deal with this problem.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor