Do the concepts of love and romance exist in Islam?
Salam aleykoum brothers and sisters,
I have some questions that i have in mind for few months now.
I'm a French man, born in France and living in Paris. Here (and in the occidental part of the world) we have some concepts about romance, love, and excitement. People believe in true love, passion, etc.
My question is, are those concepts real or not? (I need all points of views but specially Islamic ones.)
I was thinking about this question and my opinion on it is that: Maybe our cultures are teaching us those concepts which are not real, to make money or simply because they are wrong to believe that it is real.
Anyway, peoples -and specially young peoples- nowadays, believe that it is important to feel romance and "love" and are looking for it inside the relationship... They are looking for it too much and don't engage themselves into a serious relationship (marriage).
Now, i know that - for example - to make a trip to Paris with the partner and have a dinner in a riverboat with some candles on the table IS romantic and may feel nice to the woman as the man (married or not). So the next question is: Is that romance or something different? If it is romance, is that right to looking for someone who is romantic?
We are looking for qualities before getting married with someone as: religion, way of thinking, temper, beauty etc... why not romance? It is nice to wake up some morning and get a beautiful breakfast with a flower on the set. Or any others small romantic gesture anytime.
Now I will talk about Love: Is that correct to do not marry to someone because of we don't feel love for him/her? I know that love is an unstable feeling but i also know that it is important.
Before, even in France, it was arranged marriage and it seem that it worked well. So at this point both of partners had to have hope on creating a bond between them; but it happen that sometimes it don't come, right? Is that correct to divorce because of this? Why sould someone stay with his/her partner if he/she does not feel anything toward him/her? I am sure that the only reasons of getting married is not only to make kids or because of kids since we are responsable in front of God about OUR life first.
Good luck and Salam,
- Silver99
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Step by step I'll try to answer these as my personal opinion, being multicultural, born in the west, married to a man from the east and Muslim.
Love, for me, is a word that I never use in a conversation when trying to give reference to anything. "Love is the basis for marriage" or "Love will grow over time", etc. Love is a general word, which means many things to many people, and please be clear that there is no "standard" for love. Some may say that love is trust, loyalty and kindness while others say love is passion, excitement and pleasure.
Obviously, trust, loyalty and kindness all take a lot of work to get, and maintain in the face of change and adversity. Passion, excitement and pleasure are things you don't have to work the same way for, or even dare I say very hard for, in many ways. Because of this, when a young couple proclaims Love, they see all the investment, the loyalty, the time, the passion and the attraction in a possible match, while their families may give their love little weight because the family only sees something easily gained and easily lost. Passion, excitement and pleasure, although all are aspects of attraction and key elements in the experience of a relationship, are fleeting. Yet, all are compiled into this one, misused, mis interpreted, mix and match of elements we call "Love". Which love are they feeling? Passion easily disguises itself as Loyalty to a young mind who has little experience in the throws of a hormonal onslaught. "I'm his forever, we'll last forever, through anything, our love is unconditional." (unconditional is a popular description for love. Yet, if one person of the pair cheats, or beats their partner, or commits horrible atrocities, then we see that Love shows its face as mere infatuation based on qualities that we desire and are attracted to and were convenient to appreciate. We then see that "Love" isn't so unconditional as it seems, but has many, many conditions.)
So after reading the above paragraph, I'd like to make two points.
Point number 1:
Love, or the feeling of desire for someone, comes many ways. One way, which is honourable and often insisted upon by families, is through appreciation for your spouse. This type of love comes after marriage. I am not saying that the two people who dislike each other will always learn to Love each other in this way. Not everyone is compatible. But, this Love is the strongest in the mine field of issues we face everyday. It's also the most reliable, and the most easily kept as you gain love after the person is already yours. This allows for a love that is less nerve wracking, as you're not giving yourself to a person completely while competing with other people for your mate.
So, the love comes from appreciation as I said. Appreciation that they help with the house, the kids, life, emotional bombshells that we experience, support in times of crisis, help through school, through mundane daily activities or just mere companionship. Through this appreciation, love blossoms, and so does desire. I don't mean some dumbed down second hand desire, but real, reliable, long lasting desire that you own and feel you own without threat from any outside force. You and your spouse married, and now that you have desire for your spouse through appreciation for them, your feeling you can have freely without fear that it will fade or be coaxed away as quickly as you were able to coax it from them before marriage by whatever tactic young people use to attract each other before they are married. Many young people believe that this desire, or "love" is an experience to a lower degree than the "love" founded on desire derived from feelings (chemical reactions). They believe that by accepting a partner first, and love second, that the love that comes will not be an explosive, mind numbing infatuation that they so desperately desire to carry on as long as possible, but instead a dull, repetitive commitment to simply serve and be served by someone forever. This is not true. Not only is it not true, but this very concept steals away a young persons ability to know what it means to allow yourself to love someone without the threat of having it stolen away. Todays "love" that young people experience is a fast paced, nervous, jealous, painful experience of hoping against all hope that they can turn a few months or even years of dancing like the bird of paradise for someone they're attracted to, into a 40+ year marriage and a large healthy family tree. Often times, this isn't the case, and just like in a store, you really get what you pay for.
Point number 2:
A large part of marriage is having someone to be your companion. Without a companion, you may live a fantastic life, you may roam the world, but all your memories will remain trapped inside you. No matter how beautiful of a painting you make, or story you tell, you will never be able to fully share that experience with anyone, as you were alone when you had it. Friends come and go, they go off and get married to their own partners, and create their own stories. And they together make the bindings of their book... the book of their lives. Having a partner and a spouse means you have a witness to your life. There are 8 billion people in the world, but what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all the time, every day. You're saying, "Your life will not go un noticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness." When a marriage is founded on shaky foundations, and the marriage ultimately fails after 20 years of trying to make it work, even though you stuck it out long enough for your children to move out and have lives of their own, when your partner leaves they take half your story with them. Of all the commitments you make in a marriage, here in the west, this concept of being someone's witness to their lives is THE commitment that is most sacred. Of course monogamy, honesty, and all the other things don't fall short of this, but this one thing, the element that makes your life 3D... that takes your life out of the closet of your brain and shares it with the world, is the most sacred aspect of choosing your partner. This is why your foundation is so important, and why, like a house, you must lay down the ugly, hard, decisive concrete, before you can begin building the beautiful towers and tresses of your new and lovely home which is the "romance" you were asking about. Tell me, what is the difference between taking your girlfriend, or your spouse out on a lovely date with roses and candle lit dinners? Does your girl friend have an allure than your wife does not? Perhaps the first thing to decide is how you will maintain a marriage you entered into honourably, so you can maintain it with passion and romance, making both yourself and your spouse happy, not to mention Allah (swt) which is of course the ultimate prize, isn't it? 🙂
Ramadan Mubarak!
What a beautiful response Moose:)
Sister Moose, you said it best, mashaAllah. What you wrote reminded me of the book, "The garden of the lovers, and the outing of the yearners, (روضة المحببين ونزهة المشتاقين / rawdatul-muhibbeen, wa nuzhatul-mushtaaqeen)" by Imam ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah be pleased with him). In addition to love and its different categories, the book discusses romance, jealousy, the roots and fruits of love, and the lovers opinions regarding them.
I searched for the English translation but I didn't find one, however, I think one (like brother Silver99) could get the Arabic version and see a local imam or sheikh for its lessons and translation, inshaAllah.
Below is what the Author (may Allah be pleased him) said about his book:
I understand that arranged marriage is the answer and that it lasts longer and everything. But what if the person you get married to turns out to be someone you're extremely incompatible with? It could be someone you absolutely cannot tolerate? How will you know what they are like unless you have hung out with them or spent some time together, went out on a date, I guess?
Salam brother,
I have always wondered about that too. But as the first person has stated love is indeed conditional. Everyone has their own conditions. This romance and passion is different then any other love, such as love for parents, kids and siblings, which is unconditional most of the time.
I think whether the relationship is before marriage or in a marriage romance is temporary. It never lasts. But it does have a place in Islam, within marriage! I have heard many hadith about spouces adorning themselves for each other and saying something pleasing to each other etc etc.
But then again its about not getting to attached to people in this world and its pleasures. Romance and passion are enjoyment of this world. Its here today gone tomorrow. Even in a marriage a husband may love the wife while she is young and preety or outgoing etc etc but once she has kids and becomes boring and dragged down with all the duties and wrinkles start appearing, that passion and desire may die. Then his conditions are finnished and he may leave and seek someone else. This can also happen vice versa. You can never know whats in someone's heart. People's opinion on love and happiness can change anytime. So love is never guaranteed.
If you love someone doesn't mean they will love you back. You will never know their true intentions or their conditions for love. So just enjoy the honeymoon period which will provide the passion and romance. Once this dies then what is left will either be love or loss. Don't get too attached to the person so it would be less painful if you have to part ways in future.
MashaAllah sister Sumaira. That's a wonderful response. However, I think among the categories of love (in support of what you said), is the true love or the unconditional love, which is not just limited to only parents, kids and siblings, but also includes spouses--the passion, romance, kindness, respect ect do not die, because this type focuses much on the other dimension of love which is the "compassion". Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says: "And of His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them; and He planted love and compassion between you. In this are signs for people who reflect." (Quran 30: 21)
This type of love will be successful and complete, when it is affiliated to the love of Allah, which is the only true love in existence in and of itself--which is to love Allah first, and then love His creation for His sake. Examples of this type of love can be found in the life of the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam), and those who followed his steps among his Sahaba and Tabi'in (may Allah be pleased with them all)--that is the special true love.
As you can also see many couples in their late-lives today, still enjoying their romance and passion, as if the honeymoon just begun.
When both lovers (in this type of love) affiliate their love to the love of Allah, they will be more secured enough to be attached to each other as much as they want, inshaAllah, and if anything happens by the decree of Allah, they are protected and guided through the love of Allah, inshaAllah, but without that, they could get lost in delusions, such as crossing any of the limits of Allah, or even committing suicide.
Allah knows best.