Islamic marriage advice and family advice

17, Muslim and I may be pregnant but how will my parents view it?

Worried young woman

"I made a mistake, and now I'm in a bad situation."

I am Bengali, 17 years old, studying at college. I have commited a lot of sins in my life, but i regret all of them and feel very bad and guilty. i am trying to practice islam, trying to do prayers and so on.

i have a boyfriend who  is bengali 19 and muslim. we have been together for 7 months and have become very intimate. i love him alot and we have plans on getting married in a couple of years.... i know i shouldn't be having sexual relations with him, but to be honest it really literally just happens.

my parents dont know about him. i have had a lot of trouble since i was a child with my parents. i have been lucky as they have given me freedom and trusted me, but i have broken that trust. they are just wishing on that last hope i dont mess around with "boys"..... i really want them to understand that im not like that, and its just one guy that i love and want to be with for the rest of my life, and he feels the same way too...

i have made a mistake, and i may be pregnant....i have thought of this in the past what if this ever happens, i know that abortion is not permitted in islam, which i don't want to do, but i really can't let my parents find out!... it's a big shame, ive hurt them enough, if it does come to that situation what do i do? my boyfriend tells me that i would have to have an abortion because family-wise it could not work out, but we both don't want that but in reality that's the only way we see it in getting out of this situation.

i seek Allah, and i pray that He leads me in the right direction and shows me the good way. i am confused and very scared. i made a big mistake, and i realize i shouldnt be doing this. and another thing, i keep thinking would my parents accept him? he is from a wealthy family and is "sort of" related meaning his grandma and my grandma are sisters, is that permissible? please could you give me some adivce as i really need it and im struggling.

thank you and salams.

- N.T.

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28 Responses »

  1. I think you and your husband are very young. You should tell your parents and convince your bf to be a man. To be honest since you willfully consented to sexual intercourse both of you have to be married because that is not fair to someone else. Whatever your situation drop you immaturity and set plans to be married and let his parents know of the situation and let your parents know. He needs to also own up to it just as much as you do.

  2. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    You are young, and your parents actually have not done their duty to you, by giving you too much freedom and not protecting you from the evil that is in the world. A father especially has to fear Allah in regards to his daughters, by making sure they pray, fast, dress modestly, get educated, and most importantly, don't mix with men. As a result of your father's lack of leadership, you were left to make your own decisions, and as is totally normal for a young person full of hormones and lacking worldly experience, you made the wrong one.

    This young man you are with is also not fearing Allah. A young man should respect women, and it is not respect to chat with them, flirt with them, and then, Allah forbid, commit fornication. He has committed a major sin and he must repent to Allah for this. You must realize that the relationship you have is haraam, forbidden, and that no good can come of continuing on in secret. Right now, this minute, you have to cut off all contact with this young man, so you can ask Allah to forgive you and repent of what you have done. He must do the same.

    If you are pregnant, you have to realize that you cannot go through this without telling your parents. A pregnancy is not something you can hide. You have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Abortion is forbidden in Islam, but it is usually left as a private decision for a person. A concession is given in the case of rape or incest, or if a woman will be in danger of physical or great mental harm by carrying the pregnancy to term. This is only before 120 days have passed and the soul has not been breathed into the fetus; after this, there is no abortion except to save the life or health of the mother, as a general rule. It gets more detailed than this, but I would advise you against abortion simply because I think it is a very sad thing and knowing you were responsible for ending a potential life may haunt you for the rest of your life.

    If it turns out you are not pregnant, then I would not advise that you tell your parents about this relatioship, as it would affect their attitude towards you and cause them much grief. You should hide your sins and inshAllah Allah will cover them for you if you are honest in your repentance.

    You must work on yourself, and I would advise the same for the young man. You must pray the five daily prayers, fast to lower your sexual desires, dress modestly, stay away from any men, spend time with religious women who will busy you with learning Islam, concentrate on your studies, and engage in charity work, because good deeds wipe out bad deeds. I suggest you resolve not to talk to your young man for at least six months, and after that time, you can, with a chaperone, talk to him to see if he has made repentance to Allah as well. If he has recognized what he did wrong, if he is praying, fasting, giving zakah, staying away from women, and still wants to marry, then inshAllah you should not hesitate to marry so you can have a permissible relationship. If you are having his baby, then you can start to build a life together, inshAllah with the support of your families. If, however, he is still not fulfilling his duty to Allah, then he is not a good match for you and you must consider this as a hard test and a lesson learned, that when you overstep the bounds of Allah, especially in regards to the relations between men and women, very bad things can result.

    You have a hard task ahead of you. If you have to tell your parents about a pregnancy, you can expect a lot of crying and anger on their part. You have to be patient and accept their anger, and not say anything back, but I do still hold them responsible in part because they did not fulfill their duty to Allah. You have to have patience, and work hard to regain their trust, and realize this situation was not created overnight and will not be resolved overnight. Take it one day at a time, try to find a peaceful place inside yourself when it feels like it is too much, and inshAllah, over time you can grow as a Muslimah and have a healthy marriage, either with this young man or with a man who will be a better match for you. Do keep us updated on your situation, and if you need more advice, please write again.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Sister Noorah,
    Editor, Islamicanswers.com

    • Assalamu aleykum sister
      I see here that you are giving good advice to sisters but i just want to let you know that i do not agree with the following "Right now, this minute, you have to cut off all contact with this young man, so you can ask Allah to forgive you and repent of what you have done. He must do the same."
      She does not need to cut off contact but she need to cut off haram contact which are illegal for non married people in islam the boy is the father of the baby and abortion is not recommended after the soul has been breathed in the fetus. We all make mistakes and we cannot judge let's just give advice from our knowledge that Allah gave us alhamdullilah as for the father of your baby make arrangement to see him with people of course and try to find a solution about marriage it is better for you. Allah helps me, you and all muslims.
      Sister Noora i just want to bring to your attention that our masjid in fredericksburg is in need of help why because i see young girls comming to the masjid covered but when i see them in school they are not covered and when i try to give them advice they say it is their decision, but we need to help one another not to fall in shaytan trap. thank you here is my email i think i am your friend on facebook you can reach me there as well thank you.

    • How can you disrespect her father like that though?? WTF

    • Hi sister noorah,

      God has led me to read this site, thank God. I am a Christian and have worked in Qatar, I have met my boyfriend there cz he was a colleague. He is muslim. We both have committed grave sin and may God forgive us. It was a complicated situation, i knew i was officially pregnant and my tummy was already almost six months. I usually miss out my period and have serious gastric problems and have seeked 6 different doctors that is why i never thought i was pregnant. Then when i felt sometging was really alive in me, i went to check for test, then it confirmed i was really pregnant. I know i have committed sin but i never thought of abortion. When my bf knew about my condition, he was very scared and planned well for abortion but i cannot accept that. To cut the story short, i had to quickly leave qatar so that i wont be imprisoned. I flew back to my country and had to face all shame and disgrace while my bf was left in qatar for work. He supported me financially up until now, the baby is six months old. I havent met his family in person but i often talk to his mom and younger siblings through chat. I always wanted to tell her mother as i cannot bear the pain keeping secret from her but he wont allow me cz he is very scared that his family will disown him. I am not sure if he has plans of marrying me. We are currently in conflict. My concern is that, should i tell her mom about my condition? As a muslim, i am seeking for your advice as i am in great depression.

      • Hi , I don't what happend to you since then but I'm not writing this as a Muslim but as a normal person. I don't think that telling his mom is the best thing to do , but try to talk to him and tell him that if he doesn't marry you or tell his parents about then you'll do so !

        Iam praying for you

  3. Sister, you need support and help right now - from a real person such as Mum, Sister, Teacher or Doctor that you can speak with honestly and openly - you need to confess what is going on and take the advice, support and guidance from those around you. You can't do this one alone.

    You can buy tests from any chemist - buy two to make sure, and find out if you are pregnant or no. If you are , talk to Mum. Your Mum is likely to freak out - but its very unusual for a Mum to abandon her child, so don't confuse anger and upset for abadonment and allow Mum the space to be upset. Dont attempt to explain, or justify your actions because you have had time to worry and think and panic, and she has to go through that process as well - only she will go through it faster and stronger (because she is Mum) and she will come to a conclusion quicker.

    Once you have gone through this with Mum, sit down and decide what you want to do and make use of whatever support you get. Remember, you deal with the consequences of your own actions - so no matter what people tell you to do, still you are ultimately the one that will be left to deal with the results of whatever decision you make.

    I pray that your parents will be patient, inshaAllah and that you get the support you need,

    Peace,

  4. Dear Sister,

    All those people are advicing good advices, but unfortunately they don't know what are you going through inside and what you feel. I have a similar situation near to yours...
    I understand that without telling my parents you can't go far hiding your pregnancy. Now i want to tell you one thing, DO NOT DO ABORTION, since you even might not understand the consequences and feelings after it.
    From now do the right thing, and hopefully our Almighty God will help us all.
    First begin, by telling about you guy to your siblings. Then, step by step begin about marriage thoughts.
    Good luck in your life, and Congrats on your miracle blessing from Allah!

  5. Hello,

    I am 23 and just found out I am pregnant with my first child, I am not married and muslim dating a jewish guy. I am not offering any advice to you only letting you know there are others in your situation and that you are never alone.

    I am keeping the baby no matter what and will need to tell my parents soon. They have heard from others that we have been dating... My mothers dream has always been to get me married to a nice muslim man but knowing her dreams will not pan out crushes me.

    Not sure how I will tel my parents or what will happen but I know Allah is the merciful and will pick me up threw this situation as he will you.

    Keep your head up.

    • hi i read ur post that u are pregnant muslim with a jewish partner. i am also a pregnant muslim girl with chiristian partner, i feel i am completely alone and abandoned in this situation. i have told my parent about the pregnancy and have been disowned, iw as wodnering what happpened in ur situation and whether u have been able o cope nd get through it all?

      thanku so much

      • Sandj and minhal ..... Your posts are shocking . I don't blame your parents for disowning you . Tell me , how should a parent react when they find out that their beloved daughters are sleeping with a man , even worse , a non-muslim man .

        • I am 14 and I am dating a Christian 14 year old,James.we both love each other and it's fine to be in love anyway the guys I know that are Muslim are so ugly and they r Arabs and I am Muslim

          • Zainab, Shaytan is very good at making haram things seem appealing and exciting, and making the halal seem ugly and dull. You are on the wrong path. What you're doing is haram and displeasing to Allah, and will only lead to problems and heartbreak.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Can't relate to you as a Muslim , are you serious ?? We all make mistakes ! It's not our job as Muslim to tell her you're a sinner ! But to find a solution as she asks and pray for her !! Imagine being in her place ! I'm pretty sure she regrets and she asking for help

      • As salam walikum my sisters i know that u probely had ur baby already,i too am a muslim girl with a christian man im in my teens n my loveis 10yrs older than i am i think im carrying his child,i havent told him yet but im just hoping by the grace of allah he will marry me n i dnt have to convert to christianity,he belong to a strong christian home n his mom dislike muslims so i dont know what to do i know he would want his child since he is almost 30 n dont have any children he claims he love me let see how much he realy dooes...thanks girls i thought that i was alone also

        • subhanAllah.

          what kind of attitude are you women having ?

          ? don't you fear Allah.

          you are in a relationship with a non muslim man and also pregnant. subhanAllah.

          make sincere repentance to Allah before it is too late.

          how stupid is that you say to others who have committed zina that you are not alone .

          _________________
          May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

        • @Aalia -

          no matter what happens do not give up your religion.

          Islam is the truth. learn more about Islam. strengthen your emaan.

          if you leave islam then you can ruin this life as well as the hereafter.

          my sister fear Allah.
          make sincere repentance to him.

          a link for you to a website where you can inshaAllah learn more about Islam.

          http://abdurrahman.org/

          & let us know what you are going through now.

          _________________
          May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

      • Well I'm 13 and I don't know why I'm on this web site but you all need to keep your pants on it dosent matter who your dating of it be Christian or Jewish just don't sleep with them
        Like are you trying to get a beating?
        Allah will forgive you all if you pray in hajj but your parents might not
        I wouldn't disown my kid I'd give them and extreme punishment
        You all need to keep your pants on
        don't say stuff like "I didn the men to it just....happened I had sex" that's bs
        And soo is saying "it happens soo fast I didn't even realize" I'm sure sex dosent happen in seconds
        And if you like someone who isn't Muslim MAKE THEM CONVERT not trying to be mean but non Muslim don't care much about religion they'll have sex, harm people and kill, Muslim aren't much from different
        STOP HAVING SEX, USE YOUR BRAINS

  6. Dear Sister, Both you and this man need to seriously repent, first of all. Zinaa is not a matter to be taken lightly. After sincere repentance then you both may get married as pure Muslims, otherwise the marriage wouldnt be halal. I dont know how being pregnant complicates the situation, but it may be that you will need to get married after the baby is born. Check with a good scholor to access your situation furthur. Also, a child born out of wedlock makes the situation quite sticky with regards to inheritance and legitimacy. Like I said before, check with a good,PIOUS Muslim scholor who can advise you in this matter, especially in regards to the child. May Allah(SWT) guide you, pardon you, forgive you, keep us away from Hellfire and the losers and lead us towards Jannah and the path of the WINNERS. And that goes for the man involved in this situation as well. AMEEN

  7. Slmz

    No-one should be judging you aside from ALLAH.As muslims we should show each other love and support through good times and bad.We should ALL repent as each of us sin everyday,and Allah alone can say whther the repentance is sufficient,not man.

    I dont think you shud consider abortion as you will regret taking the life in you.Speak ti babys dad and work out if he wants to get married or how you can best plan your finances to keep the baby.Then tell your family,they will b devastated,but they love you and will help you.

    please dont listen to anyone that makes you feel bad and says what you should have done,because none of us,even the best of us,is perfect,we are flawed and that is our test.learn from this and make the effort to try harder each day,thats all we can do.

    i will remember you in my dua's and hope you come out of this a happy,peaceful mum and wife inshallah.

  8. Salaams,

    I look at your situation and wonder how you could've gotten yourself into this mess. Maybe you just abused your freedom? Maybe your desires over came your reasoning and understanding? Well I have no idea. I don't know what your parents are going to do, but you should be more worried about what's going to happen to you when you face Allah (SWT) -- IF YOU DON'T REPENT. You need to know that God is the most forgiving and patient. All he wants is for you to ask his forgiveness. You wrote that you are praying for him to forgive you. If you truly regret your mistake and you made du'aa for Allah to forgive you, I honestly believe that he will. People make mistakes and God knows that. He also knows that you're in one big mess right now and I'm sure He's willing to forgive you if you are willing to pray for it. What you need to do is end the intimate relation ship with this man. Then keep praying to Allah. Always pray to Allah. You can also ask Allah to help you and let your parents understand that you've made a mistake. I really think that you should have this child, and soon enough I think that you should marry the man that you once had a relationship with.

    Now I'm truly thankful for what my parents are doing for me. I understand that they want me to stay away from making mistakes like these. I'm 13 years old and I hope that my faith in Allah stays like this or becomes much more through out my life ( if God wills me to have a long one ).

    I see you posted this a while back, so I don't know what's going on with you, but I hope that you were seeking Gods help more than you were seeking anyone else's.

    InshaAllah you're ok now 🙂

    - One concerned Muslim teen

  9. Salaam, i am a 17 year old muslim male.

    (Abdur, I deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post. Don't use your real name. And give us all the details we need to advise you, Insha'Allah. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  10. Hi ,am in the same sitution bt am 16 n I feel very bad about wat I have done, it really kills me to know am pregnant and all I ever do is cry, my mum is really religious and in the society I am described as "good muslim girl" bt all this is going I have no clue how my mum and brwill react to this. No matter how much I regret this I don't know what to do about it I know abortion isnt an option I really hate myself soo much and even feel different around everyone because they don't know and if anyone has been through this plz advice me on wat u did after u found out u were pregnant and how u told ur parents .Last thing plz all just pray for me n in shaa Allah hope I'll be fine.

    • first make sincere repentance to Allah.

      _________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  11. I agree with lala post!!!!! You two ladies have done a terrible think, if I was your parents I would kick you out and never come back what a shame I'm around ur ages I grow up in USA, marsallah I would never ever do something like that to my parents and I love Allah to much to do that. Shame shame I can't even read this post I'm sorry if I'm been harsh I just hate it w then you girls sleep around then come here and say oh I did a terrible thing can Allah forgive me. Will you know what you should have thought of that when you slept around with a non Muslim. What a shame I don't even feel sorry for you girls not even close.

  12. The sad part is you girls don't even seem to care about it. Sooner or later you gotta till your parents honey before your stomach get bigger and bigger are you still going to hide it from mommy.? I don't think soo because that is not something you can put it in your purse and hide it. With non Muslim men's do you girls think they will take care of you and the baby? I don't think so they will leave you and never look back they got what they wanted and they will leave.thats way marry a Muslim man he will at least fear Allah a little and take care of you.

    • You can't judge people we don't have the right only Allah swt does you can see how they already feel so why judge them yes they commited a sin but it's not up to you to forgive them it's Allah swt

  13. Asalaamualaykum... All praise be to Allah and there is none worthy of worship besides him...i have read what use are going through, 1st of all in Islam any sexual relationships before mariage is not allowed and it is of great sin, however there is no sin too big for Allah's forgiveness and of course no sins are too much to be forgiven... I see you really love this guy so I suggest before any more acts of the devil, get married immediately and live a pure life together and repent for those sins in the past and inshallah Allah the all forgiving and most merciful will forgive you ... Make lots and lots of dua and I hope you didn't do an abortion, have the baby and bring he/her up to be a very good Muslim .... Follow the 5 pillars of islam and nothing can go wrong and inshallah we'll all be together in jannah-Aameen

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