Marriage advise for the non-Muslim
I am not Muslim, however my husband is. I completely adore and appreciate the Islam religion, I believe the Islam teachings are great, and the strong basis for a marriage. I'm having trouble respecting my husband, and was wondering if anyone has any advice or readings that can help me bite my tongue. I speak my mind, a little too much some times. When my husband says or did something I don't like, I get so mad and frustrated because he doesn't empathize with how I feel.
So, we argue, and being the wonderful respectful man, he stays quite. I then get mad, and say horrible things to him because he won't respond to me. Then once I've blown my top, he gets mad and distances himself from me. even adding for divorce sometimes. I've had to work hard to not get that divorce he really wanted after I cursed at him.
I don't know what is the right way of thinking to stay calm. Should I let him do whatever, just because he is my husband and I should respect him. do I get to have an opinion if I am respecting his religion? I know it's not just religious differences,, but cultural as well. But if there anything you ladies do when you don't agree with your husband that calms you down. I wish I had the Commodore and restaint of a Muslim woman. I know that all comes with the teachings of allah. But I hope to one day come close to the graceful way.
Audgew
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Salaams,
Self Control is a life long struggle for anyone, regardless of their belief. You seem to have such a passion for Islam, I'm curious what is holding you back from converting?
In any case, there is no magic remedy to make you stop being angry or control your tongue in Islam, or anywhere else for that matter. Changes in reacting to things with emotions instead of wisdom takes time and practice. You need to start taking yourself out of a triggering situation with your husband before you start getting upset enough to spout off, and calm yourself back down into a state of feeling in control before approaching him again. The more you do this the easier it will become. If you find yourself struggling to make progress, a good counselor can always help you look at what may be interfering with your methods and help you come up with the best techniques to respond with thoughtfulness and purpose instead of emotional reactions.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi first of all I'd like to say your husband is a very good man and Masha ALLAH you are a lucky women. Anger and frustration is the Satans goal to achieve especially between husband and wife. The way i understand your post is ,that your lacking of understanding the religion properly. Does your husband go to the Mosque on Fridays? If yes then I advice you to go with him to the Mosque. As a wife I do alot of astaxfirullah and curse the Satan, and when ever I get angry I do (wudu) which I will explain later, Last but not least I don't try to argue or win an arguement that is( if an arguement occurs) , I leave whenever my husband argues. (The literal meaning of the Arabic term ‘Wudu’ means to do something to become pure, or clean, or to shine, or be beautiful.
When the term ‘Wudu’ is used in Islamic terminology or Jurisprudence, it means the rite or act to wash or wipe the specific parts of the body as guided by Allah and His Messenger (saws) before one can make themselves available for prayer.
You have a husband who cares for you and loves you alot. There are not much men (as a whole) who would care for their wives as much as your husband does. I hope my reply has helped and Allah knows best. Good luck
Peace be upon you,
It is great that you are concerned about this issue, which is an important one for many people.
There is a saying of the Prophet (peace be upon him) regarding how to control anger. I do not have the specific text in front of me at the moment but it basically tells the one who is standing to sit, and the one who is sitting to lie down. Another saying says that you should perform ablution (wudu) to extinguish anger as anger is fire, and water puts out fire.
I have tried these things, and they help a lot. In my experience, something physical happens to the brain when you get angry. If you just have enough patience to let the feeling pass, you will return back to normal within a matter of minutes. If you leave the room and go lie down for half an hour, for example, you will probably feel much better and then be able to have a rational discussion.
The Prophet (pbuh) also said:
“A strong man is not one who physically overpowers others. A strong man is one who controls himself when angry.”
It is certainly okay to speak your mind and share your opinions, especially with your husband, who is your life-partner, but I think the problem is that you perhaps expect your husband to react a particular way when that is not how he feels. Try to accept that he has the right to his own opinions. Just as he cannot force you to think the way he thinks, you also cannot force him to think the way you think. This is true of any couple, Muslim or not.
Salaam Audgew,
I am sorry to hear you are experiencing these tensions, and I agree with Amy - self control is a constant battle!
You explain the problems in your marriage as potentially being the result of cultural and religious differences, but the truth is many marriages are like this. Marriage is a unique relationship - and you would be very hard pushed to find a marriage older than a year or two that is not rife with rage, anger and frustration. The main reason for this is that, unlike every other relationship in your life - which gives you time to get away from the tension, process the feelings and come to some calm and understanding before you see the person again - when frustration appears between married partners: there is no space to calm down, to process thoughts, to bounce those thoughts off of others or just to offload. When our boss makes us angry, we go home, we complain perhaps, we eat, we sleep - watch a movie, shower - you know: calm down! It helps us go back to worth the next day and approach things with a new perspective. The same with friends, the same with family members. With husbands and wives however - we don't have this and this is what makes the husband and wife relationship so much more explosive when tensions do occur!
Did you know that we humans have a tendency to be attracted to people who generate familiar feelings in us, often negative ones from a long long time ago? It's quite true. I would hazard a guess that your husband reminds you of someone (if you think very deeply about it) - and that the rage and anger you feel towards him for not empathizing with you is actually an old, deeply buried anger that has been building from way before you even met him. Don't worry if this does not immediately make sense to you, as it normally takes 4-5 counseling sessions with a professional to recognize the link. I suggest this to you, not because it is a norm - but because you are describing a rage response to an unmet need for empathy - and that is a very specific, well recognized need and a very powerful and strong emotional response (which does not normally happen the first, second or even third time we experience a problem.) This suggests to me that this is an old problem -so the next time you feel anger, instead of acting on it - stop, pause: look inside and try to see if there are any memories or feelings that are being raised for you - perhaps a mother figure, or a father figure - a teacher, or a sibling that make you equally frustrated. This inward looking will have two benefits, the first is that you give yourself that space - that pause - to process instead of act. The second is that you may unlock a wealth of self-knowledge and understand why this bothers you so much, and focus on THAT rather than your husband.
Another point I want to raise is one of interpretation and how we pick up interpretations through our lives. Did you know that the "OK" sign we use in England and America, the one where we link the forefinger and thumb in an O shape is a deeply offensive gesture in Cambodia, one that may earn you a punch in the face? Interpretation is very much a matter of how we were raised, where we learned what we learned and how we learned, and somewhere during your life you have learned that your husbands actions "mean" something - and that meaning is making you angry. You explain his behavior as lacking empathy, but how we show empathy and what empathy means to us is massively influenced by our childhoods. Rather than say something to your husband and expect him to give you "the correct response" - ask him for exactly what it is you need, and forget the dialog. For example, if you are feeling low because you heard some bad news and you really could do with a reassuring hug - don't go to your husband and say: "I heard some really bad news today" and then expect a hug. Instead, say: "I need a hug today" - and hey presto, he will give it to you - no explanations required. It may be that in your mind, giving a hug at this kind of situation is natural, but for him it may be that staying quiet and changing the subject is natural. Rather than expecting each other to understand what is most appropriate - skip the dialog and the expectations, and state your need clearly: "I need a hug" - you can explain why after.
Something I am also feeling from your post is this sense of "holding" the anger - so when you feel anger, you hold it and keep it for a while (a bit like a grudge) which is harmful for both of you. That anger than builds and builds and reaches a tipping point where you explode. Anger is a hungry monster that needs to be fed - and what it wants is justice and punishment before it can feel satisfied. This means that you will feel anger - hold it - scream at your husband - experience a release - feel guilty - feel calm - then back to irritation again in a cycle. Although for you this feels uncontrollable - its actually better known as "the abuse cycle" because what you are doing when you scream and rage at your husband: is abusive, and designed to hurt him. Try to understand that wanting to inflict pain or punishment on someone because they have displeased you in some way is very abusive. Ask yourself why you feel this need to punish and discipline and ask yourself if thats who you really want to be. This is not the way to achieve harmony and love in a home - and of course your husband will distance from you when you hurt him. Even a cat or a dog will recoil from an owner that yells at it. Being yelled at is an extremely distressing experience for any living creature.
I can go on, but I will try to keep things short and say that overall, what is important for you is to give yourself space between being triggered and acting, and a useful exersize for this is to do an activity that completely engages you or takes you mentally away from the situation. Go out, strike up a conversation with a stranger, change the car oil - just something totally different so that you can change gear from problem to normality.
Peace and blessings,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers