My cousin has turned my family against my girlfriend and now they wont let us marry
I wonder if someone can help me too. Me and my girl have been together for 10 months now and its pretty serious, in the sense that her parents know, the whole of my family know, and no one really has any issue. My cousin (khala ki beti - aunts daughter) is married to the girls brother, so my gf is my cousins sister in law.
Since the start my cousin has created alot of problems, everyone went against me. She accused her sister in law of stuff which didn't exist (all made up stories) and everone was made to be believe that my cousin is the angel.
Things got better with time as we kept it on a low and didn't really tell anyone when we secretly met or whatever, but now that the baat pakki rishta scene is coming near (in august InshaAllah). I had to come out in the open and tell everyone tht we are still talking and committed. My cousin who was quiet for a few months, switched again and said stuff against me and my gf to her parents, further more she has also turned her husband (my gfs brother) against me.
My cousin also said that her mother (my khala-aunt) wouldn't let this happen as she is against it. It is vital for my khala to get involved in this and agree to all this as she was conencted to that family before....
Just in a very difficult situation at the moment I can go in details of what kind of problems my cousin has created but there is seriously no point.
In short my immediate family and her parents are okay with it, but obviously we need everyones' agreement such is the situation.
What can we do to make my cousin agree to all this, at least we haven't kept it in the hidden and been honest about it by telling everyone. Suggestions please.
Now my dad has got hisaab done from somewhere and they're saying the girl is not right she smokes and has other boy friends (whereas im pretty much with her everyday) and that she won't live with the family and will cause alot of problems to my mum and family. How can someone predict that???? I've told my mum to do istikhara and I'll take her word.
How do I break the news to my girl if god forbid the istikhara is not positive? I don't want to break her heart. I really do love her. It's hard. I dont know what to do. Suggestions please?
- sakss
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Asalamoalikum,
Firstly I’m glad that you are with this girl with serious intentions to marry. However, if in this process you either emotionally or physically crossed your limits then you need to firstly repent and not go that path again. It’s a huge sin to be involved in pre-marital relationships (yes even with the intention to marry). Through proper channels however, it is halal. So in a nutshell, repent before taking any other step. You need Allah swt’s blessing before you make this huge life long decision, inshAllah.
Secondly, what is the reason as to why your cousin does not want both of you to get married? In any instance, I suggest your family and your cousin’s mother (your aunt) sit down and discuss this matter face to face. Be direct and ask why she is creating such problems—what’s her motive behind all this? Tell them you are serious and have the intention to get married so why are they becoming a hurdle in this process? Try to talk to her brother and explain the situation calmly and explain that you are in fact serious and don’t want to mess around. In addition, tell him of all your other qualities (such as your character, deen, academic and financially stability) that makes you a good prospect for his sister so his confidence in you increases to some extent.
In regards to going to people and have predictions made regarding other people, this is incorrect. These things are not reliable in fact, the way I see it as, they are haraam. How can anyone predict how a person will behave in the future? The best thing to do is to perform istikhara by yourself (not your mother) as you are the one asking Allah swt for guidance. After performing it, then make a decision. Just know that whatever decision you make based upon your istikhara that you are doing it after asking Allah swt for guidance so there will definitely be some good in it, inshAllah. Do not despair if things don’t work out; take it as the will and decree of Allah swt. If we are asking for His guidance then we should respect His decision; otherwise there is no point of performing it. On the top of this website, there is a link in regards to Istikhara and the proper way to conduct it, I suggest you follow that.
Lastly, if things don’t work out explain to this girl calmly that it is by the will of Allah swt you met and it is by His will that you are departing. Before anything, Allah swt comes first so keeping this in mind will make it easier for you to break it to her. But in any case, there will be pain and even some anger. You will just have to be as calm, direct and mature about it as possible. Don’t hurt her or be harsh in the process. Explain to her that you did make an attempt and that you were genuine but maybe things aren’t meant to be.
-Helping Sister
Dear Brother,
It may very well be that your cousin knows things that you do not know and that you are not aware of. You see her interference as meddling and creating problems for you but...she may be doing this because she loves you and knows things about this girl and she wants something better for you.
My advice would be to talk to your cousin in private...just you and her. Ask her why she feels the way she does and how she knows the things she does. Chances are, there may be some truth in what she is telling you. Be willing to listen with an open mind to what she tells you and work from there.
Salam
Salaams sakss
I agree with Najah advise. Speak to your cousin why she doing what she is. I think she may be jealous but also when something good happens to others I feel usually it is your own who does not like seeing you happy. This is where jealousy and being manipulative comes in. I strongly suggest you talk to this women and ask her why she doing what she doing, tell her how it is makng you feel, and that you are serous in marrying the woman you love. Becasue if lies are being spread by her and it sounds like it is then to me I fear your cousin really hates your girlfriend and is wanting to ruin both of your lifes which I strongly think she needs to mind her own business. For this reason you need to know why.
I wish you the best.