Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorce or what? I am suffering every day.

wife unhappy husband

Salam everyone,

Finally i have decided to come here and discuss my situation in hope to make the correct decision.

9 years ago I got married to a girl I was not attracted to because she was chubby and not my type as i wanted. My family in india insisted that she is nice , looks caring and she is wealthy living in europe. So maily because of our financial situation was not that good and parents wanted me to get married so i said ok.

i moved to Europe after wedding and initially it was ok, i did develop love for her and we have 2 kids. I am living with her parents who are lovely and help us a lot in everyday tasks i love them as my real parents and i also love my kids. But i dont have love for my wife mainly because she is chubby/fat and she has almost no sex drive.

I did talk to her about this many times but its no good, initially I thought its coz of kids that they are young but they are now almost 6; still the same.  I have asked her to go gym and get fit physically so she can be active. She does go to gym before there is  a big event like wedding in the family so she can look slimmer in dress. But its on and off no consistency or any progress.

As we live in parents house we dont have that much financial burden so i asked her to leave her full time job and go to gym during the week everyday for few hours so she gets in shape and physically fit and she says she cant just sit in home after she has done a degree and would not do it.

i have come to the point that i have had enough. i did wanted to have a second wife and there was a girl i wanted to marry as a second wife but she asked me to divorce my wife first which i said i cant as she is mother of my kids and its not fair on her to leave her like this helpless ( she is a good caring mother )

so i stoped contact with that girl as it was not possible but i really like her and still some times think about her.

now i dont have any feelings for my wife and i am to a point where i cannot make any effort there is no physical attraction.  I know if i divorce her my typical asian parents will not be happy at all and my kids may suffer.

but at the moment i am suffering every day.. its a mental stress and i am so close to doing sin or finding a girlfriend which i know its wrong and i dont want to do.

i also cant have two wives legally in europe as its not allowed and even if its possible i think i cant find a girl who will accept me in such situation.

  1. i dont know what to do. I am Very confused.
  2. Please help and pray for me

sorry for the mistakes in typing as typing on my phone

jazakAllah

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14 Responses »

  1. Dear Brother: I am so sorry that you are suffering everyday. However, I can not help but wonder how your wife must feel. She must be totally miserable. Your wife is married to someone who is quite narcissistic, selfish and so self-involved. A man who married her because her family is wealthy and you were in a bad financial situation -- even though she did not appeal to you because she was chubby. Is it possible that you actually are not that desirable or good looking? And maybe not any good in the bedroom department and she has been polite to you these past few years?

    While you are complaining to your wife about her weight, you are also pursuing another woman to be your wife. And she had enough sense to not want to be your second wife. Poor you and your suffering. Really, what woman would want to have sex with a man like you? Married people know when there is something wrong in their marriage. Your wife might not be model thin, but I don't think she is stupid. You are living large, married and also involved with another woman. Do not even try to tell me or anyone else that it is permissible for you to have a second wife. While that may be so, you are still not entitled to sneak around with another woman if your wife knows nothing about that. And because you are living with your in laws, there is a strong possibility you are not qualified to a second wife since you apparently can not even provide for the first one and your children.

    Your wife might lose weight, do her hair over, change her style of dressing and you still might not be attracted to her. She could also put her hair in a pony tail, a pair of sweats, go to the gym and on her way out meet a man who thinks she is his dream girl.

    Have you considered to stop nagging your wife about her weight. You were extremely mean, unkind and selfish to suggest she quit her job and then go to the gym each day. You mentioned that she was chubby. She was chubby when you married her. Why should you expect her to change? Is she 25 pounds overweight or 100 pounds overweight? Regardless, there are effective ways a man can encourage his wife to lose weight. Getting her to do so because of what YOU WANT while you are living off her parents while pursuing other women is not on the list. You need to apologize to her for the shabby way you have been treating her. Along with being the kind of man your wife deserves. But after thinking about your question even more, I doubt you would be able to think about your wife's feelings for more than one hour. It might hurt her to find out what you have done, but in the long run, she might even be better off not being married to a man like you. You seem to be nothing more than a user without any concern for anyone else.

    Keep in mind the saying: "I am fat. You are a horrible person. I can lose weight."

    • Love your answer.

      OP - "so i asked her to leave her full time job and go to gym during the week everyday for few hours so she gets in shape and physically fit and she says she cant just sit in home after she has done a degree and would not do it."

      That is extremely narcissistic, SubhanAllah.

      • I think you have not given any useful suggestion apart from blasting him .
        He might have made some mistakes by marrying a girl which he was not finding physically attractive but now he want to find solution .
        Yes if he cant provide accomodation to first wife obliviously he can't afford second wife .
        Overall what he wants doesn't seem possible.
        As you cant take divorce so you dont have any option apart from living in same place with same wife ..
        Best solution can be to avoid environment which can sexually arouse you .Avoid movies , looking at pictures etc etc to avoid temptation.

        Sex is very important part of marriage .
        I think people who have experience of girls before marriage ends up choosing sexually attractive girls for marriage as experience comes handy here while choosing .
        Some of arrange marriage guys will end up in this type of situation when they find themselves disappointed in first night itself as they dont find physical attraction .
        Its tricky situation .

      • Perhaps the wife doesn't find him attractive either. Do women want to have sex with their husbands who are NOT attracted to them?

        • That's possible.
          So we see sex is most important part of marriage and to have sex regularly both need to find each other physically attractive and satisfied with the physical attributes.
          So if you go in descent way in arrange marriage then only in wedding night you will come to know about attraction .I m not sure couples who were in to some relationship before marriage probably knows better about the physical attributes of partner and have option to go ahead or drop the plan .
          Its chicken egg equation otherwise .
          How some body will fill thier sexual desire if they find their spouse is not attractive and physical attributes are not meeting their expectation after wedding ? Only before marriage if they are interacting then they can judge their bodies . I am not telling to do sin but its bigger crisis if you are going towards sin because of unsatisfaction after marriage .

    • LOVE YOUR ANSWER!

      How can you tell your wife to change when you're the one who has to change. You say you don't have feelings for her, but you have kids now!
      You only married her because of financial status. If you didn't like her in the beginning, you should've refused instead of complaining about her now.

  2. I am sure your wife know that she needs to lose weight, so be helpful and positive with her. My suggestion is to go to the gym with your wife. Why not workout together? This can be time for you to talk, bond, and spend time together. Another idea is to take a walk together everyday. Lastly, I think you should take steps to become financially independent from your in-laws. Your wife will respect you more if you don't need her parent's money. Maybe she is thinking that since you are not taking care of her financially that you should not complain about her weight. (Not saying she thinks this way, but its possible.) I hope things improve for you. Salam

  3. If you're not financially capable of paying bills for your first wife, you have no Islamic right to marry another wife that you also won't be able to provide for finanacially. As providing for all of your wives is a condition to be allowed more than one wife. Who will be responsible for your second wife if not you? Her parents? I'm sorry, but parents are not financially responsible for their married daughters. Where were you thinking of storing a second wife? In your first wife's parents' basement?

    Also, it's absolutely illegal in Europe to practice polygamy. If your wife or in-laws report you when they find out you have another wife, you will not only get hugely fined but you will risk going to jail as well. Please abide by the laws of the country you live in - if you want to practice polygamy, do it somewhere where it's actually legal.

    It's natural to want to feel attraction to one's partner, but the attraction should be there from the get-go - it's not something you force forward. You weren't attracted to your wife from the day you met her and in fact only married her to come to Europe - now that you got your Europe, you are demanding more from your wife. Something that was never part of your marriage: attraction. If you wanted an attractive wife, you should have married one. You can't force someone to go to the gym for you or lose weight for you...and who are you anyway to make that demand on your wife? Are you Dario himself? Are you yourself fit and attractive for your wife? Maybe your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, because she isn't attracted to you either. Have you even had this conversation with her? About why she's not interested in intimacy with you?

    Look, I don't know what you're telling your wife...but maybe you can change your strategy a bit. Instead of TELLING her to work out, make it a family project to be fit together. Go to the gym with your wife, go for walks, cook good food together...don't just stand there and tell her what to do, but do absolutely nothing to take part in her journey. What are you really doing to help her? I bet nothing. It's a lot more motivating to do something with support than with force, you know. Or even start doing all of this fitness stuff on your own to motivate her to do something about herself as well.

  4. Salaamu alaykum. Bro i would not advise you to make your wife go to a gym. Gyms are a fitnah for us guys then what about all the people that would be staring at your wife. Jealously is good sometimes.

    • If you live in the west there are very few gyms only for women. It’s not available easily due to location and such. If there’s no all women gym available, I don’t see the problem going to a co-ed gym. It’s a fitna everywhere. Men can be distracted at work, stores, school....so a woman should not be out according to you? You sound like you have backward thinking.

      • You misunderstood. I would not advise any man or women to go to a public gym (imo). And i never said women can't go out the house i was speaking about gyms, thanks for putting words in my mouth.

  5. Brov its you who needs to go to the gym, to loose that big fat ego head of yours.

    • Salam Lady Bird,

      Gyms don't work that way. They help in increasing ego so he wouldn't lose it by going there. I also agree with Abu, gyms are a place where each gender can see the other in various poses. The people that show up there regularly, do look good, and can leave one wondering why their spouse does not put in the same effort. But all of this depends on the level of Islam a person has. If one is watching movies and shows that have near naked women and men then the gym is not that big of a deal.

  6. After you marry what is the guarantee that your new wife will not lose shape post baby or c section .she may not be fat she may not have a figure either or she may not suddenly develop severe acne no dermatologist can control or anything else etc etc etc you know better or your new wife's c section gets bad injuring her bowels and she has to live with a motion bag outside for say 6 months or she develops such bad muscle loss that you put a hand on her belly and you can feel her interstines and it can't be repaired . All you need is sabr and contentment

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