Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Engaged in childhood, now there are family problems… should I wait for him?

Love, marriage and virginity

Salam ..I am 21 years old. I was engaged (not officially) to my first cousin when I was too young. My aunt is now angry with my dad (don't know the reason). My dad still wants me to marry my cousin, as he is well educated and our people prefer marriages in family. and he thinks he is the only one suitable for me. He likes him very much.

But here is deadlock between my aunt and my dad.. my aunt is not talking to my dad. Me and my cousin have also never talked to each other nor even seen him directly.. Long ago I had seen him and he might have seen me. I don't know is he willing to marry me or not..

Now many proposals come in my home but my dad says that my daughter is engaged and nearly all in my family know about my this unofficial engagement. I also don't like these proposals and also don't wanna marry soon. But by attaching my name to a person who never talked to me seems awkward.. I have seen my cousins comments in twitter (I stalked him) that he never wanted to get marry and want to live as bachelors throughout his life. I don't know he is serious or not.

I am afraid that what if my cousin rejects me or his mother because all in my family know about this engagement.. so I feel embarrass sometimes. and there is not my fault so why am I embarrassed. If it would happen it would be my dad's fault not mine.

My dad has never talked to me that I am engaged to my cousin and in our culture girl's willingness is not considered very necessary unfortunately.. But through my mom I came to know this all. And I am not frank to my dad so I cant discuss with him. When my mom asks him about this he says lets see what happens. If our daughter is not married here we would do rishta in outsiders. And I know it is impossible. Actually he has hope that I am going to marry my cousin..

So in this case what should I do? Because my parents are just assuming things that may not happen. Is this sensible to wait for my cousin? And what if they do not angry as my dad rejected all proposals. And I am afraid of embarrassment in my family.

- Anonymous

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11 Responses »

  1. SalamAlikum,
    I am compulsed to make a quote here:
    “I went to the West and saw Islam, but no Muslims; I got back to the East and saw Muslims, but not Islam.”
    ― Muhammad Abduh .

    Now I can hardly see Muslim and Islam in this era! I hope you know there is no forced marriage in Islam. The meaning of arranged marriage is so twisted by your culture. You are 26 already, tell your parents patiently what exactly you want and what is right in Islam. Maybe invite an Iman to sit together.

    • wasalam

      brother may be my parents have no other good options that's why they are waiting for my aunts reply.. but in all this i sometimes feel worthless that we are waiting for their reply.. and my whole family knows about this matter...i would be embarrassed if they say no..(although i had many proposals and are now also, but my parents don't like them, i also don't like them)...

  2. Dear Sister
    The solution to your dilemma is a simple one.

    Here is what you should do. Ask your parents to arrange some meetings with your cousin in the presence of both sides parents and see if you both are ready to spend life together. If you find him unsuitable than convince your parents to look elsewhere for a decent proposal.

    • brother
      firstly i can only talk to my mom not with dad.

      Secondly it has never happened in our society that we meet in the presence of parents or third person...parents just ask yes or no after their own approval.. they always expect that their children would obey them especially girls...

      third and the most important thing is my parents are willing (because of his education and family) but problem is from my aunts side.. my aunt is stubborn and her mood fluctuates.. she is angry with my dad because of some issues between them ...and i don't know her son is either willing or not.( may be her son is not willing, as i have come to know from twitter etc that he wants to remain bachelor till death...he wants to live independent with no burden etc etc..i sometimes think ( i should not think so) that may be he is homo...or porn addiction as he has liked some pages which are not good like (i love your both holes) ..sorry for writing this.. although he seems religious as well from the posts he share..

      its not about compatibility.:).. in our environment people never think of such thing unfortunately..

      my parents thinks he is very good person, religious well educated and good family... once i told my mom that he smokes( as i saw his pics on facebook) she was shocked by only hearing this.. how can he smoke as he has raised in a good environment..:):)

      • Fatima: as i have come to know from twitter etc that he wants to remain bachelor till death...he wants to live independent with no burden etc etc..i sometimes think ( i should not think so) that may be he is homo...or porn addiction as he has liked some pages which are not good like (i love your both holes)

        You say "he has liked some pages which are not good like (i love your both holes)"......may indicate he is bisexual.

        Can you check if he has liked pages on homsexuality? Does he like pages with nude women?

        How old is your cousin? When was the last time you guys saw each other?

        By saying "he wants to remain bacheolar till death" he has made clear he don't want to marry. So there is no use of waiting for him

        • he is 30 years old... he had not mentioned till death but he says he would kill taliban by killing himself by suicide bombing... ( as he hates taliban because they give fake pic of islam )... I have noticed that his friend whom he communicates with also dont want to marry( he seems religious and wants to get shahadah) and his friend says to my cousin when ever my cousin talks about a girl that it seems you have chance to marriage but i (his friend) would not marry....

          he has liked english actress not very nude pics( dont remeber well.. i will check it again)...but yes once a girl wrote that boys always like pornographic sites then he commented that are you stalking me??

          and once he commented "masturbate" on any thing I dont remember now
          other than this he always commented on religious things... seems religious also.......God knows well about the truth.....

  3. Asalamoalaikum Fatima,
    It is not at all hard to find out where your aunt and her son stands regarding interest in proposal for you.
    Similar scenario happened with my cousin and this is how it was clarified .
    Every one in family already know about your unofficial engagement. Identify the most respectable female in your family who is on good terms with your mother as well as this aunt.
    She should talk to aunt on this matter and find out her thoughts and decision. Your mom,Aunt and this lady used for clarification are all females and therefore nothing is inappropriate and it is very practicable.

    Due to family feud things got over for my cousin but at least they found out in time and no ones ego got hurt as there was never an official engagement and clarifications were made indirectly with in between person thus no direct heated arguments or allegation took place.

    You are 26. Your years will not come back neither will these proposals be around for ever. No more assumptions or wishful thinking.It is time to find out for sure and move on.

    • wasalam..
      my aunt lives in another city and my mom cant go there...and in our families proposals issues are solved by males .. women have no such importance ... my aunt told to some aunties that she will get marry his son in our family (told about me) and had decided earlier... but her mood fluctuates so cant say anything for sure..but don't know about her son whether he likes or not...and by the way her son if he was interested could approach me through social media but he never did .... it seems he is not interested..or may be he has no faith in marriage...

      my dad and my aunts husband are in contact... he is also confused and not giving an answer to my dad...

      for one thing i worry is that he has no faith in marriage but would obey his mother to make her happy.. but what about me .. how can I live with a person who dont want to do his duties and has no faith in marriage. i dont want to spend miserable life with him...

      • Salam sister. Your situation is really difficult. Maybe you have a brother you can talk too and he can talk later to your dad? What about your mum? can she not talk with your dad about your marriage? Years will go by and you will still be waiting for the fluctuation mood of your aunty,for a cousin who seems not interested in you and marriage and a dad who do not care about your opinion. Then you also do not seem interested in marriage. You state that many proposals are coming but none of your inyerest. Meanwhile, you have interest in a cousin you never met and who smokes and write dirty things in social networks. Wake up sister. There are many ways to stand up for yourself. Islam has given you the tools. Use them, sister

        • sister munira you are right in so many points... I have not very much interest in marriage and I can accept my cousin because (may be)from the very beginning he was on my mind( i was told in a way I would be married to him) so I am used to and i can accept him...but I am worried in a sense what if i would be in 30z and not married... i think i should be married on time...i can accept my cousin because he is at least educated and good position in society and little bit religious.. other proposals are not even well educated and not religious at all.. they dont offer prayers even..( i know because most of them are in my family or surrounding and through my brother) ...all of them smoke....and they all are interested in many girls ( affairs)... At least my cousin has no affair..... 🙂

          yes my mum talk to my dad always and say that now our daughter should be married.. but my parents also dont like these proposal due to above reasons...
          my mum wants my father to talk directly to my aunt and solve the problem and she has told this to my dad so many times...My father always tell her that he and my cousins dad are in communication and come out with the solution... but once my father told my mother that he( my cousin dad) is not giving clear answer...

          you know what many people in my family know our problem sometimes they indirectly taunt us that dont be so proud etc etc and that you will get nothing if your aunt is not willing .. but we are never proud ... i have told you the proposal situation how can I and my parents accept them..

          should I ask my cousin directly to solve the problem?? I never tried because I myself is in no hurry to marry ...and the other reason is that if he say no i will feel embarrassment and he would think I am falling for him although I am not falling for him..( i can marry any other appropriate person if my parents find..:) )

          i apologize for being so lengthy..:)

  4. Can any one please guide me what should I do?Should i ask my cousin directly what is their aim and what they this islamically right thing to do( to ask to na mehram). i have never felt like asking him because i have never talked to him before and i have no special interest in him then why should i ask..he is mature enough if he is not willing then he can also inform me through net that dont wait for me i am not interested... but he did not.. may be he does not even bother to inform or he will just marry me without any interest...

    nowadays many other proposals are coming which my parents are not considering..i donot know what to do..
    Or should I wait for Allah's will.. i am not in hurry but situation is awkward.

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