How can I let go of all what they say so, I can build my future?
Evil sister in Law
Before I ask my question. I need to tell my story..
I live in Europe, taking master degree (the only one in family who is taking a higher education). The reason for my chose to take a education was it felt like my refugee from my sorrows.. Since I was child, my siblings have hurt my mentally and physically.. But I have never said anything bak, I have always set my family before my education, job, friends.. and never ever got their support or encouragement.
These day in my life I live with my parents and my younger brother who is married and his wife. The problem here is that my parents are old so I try to do as much as I can. That means I go buy food with my parents, driving, and help my parents in every little thing i can do. While my brother and his wife dosent bother to help or do anything around the house. They don't pay anything, they live free and they cant even get up to help my parents like helping once a week cook, or clean after them self. and it annoys me to see that my mum was cleaning the floor and the bathroom while my sister in law was relaxing on the sofa.. It Bothered me because she didn't even care to help her, and i felt that was so disrespecting. And now they are claiming heritage from my parents.. and my sister in law is from another Europe country and started to tell my parents about how the law is and how my parents should give the heritage.. and i was pissed of but i didn't say anything.. the only thing i said was to my parents that what she is saying about how they should give is wrong when it comes to our country law.. and my brothers wife couldn't handle it and she yelled and swore at me.. ( I have never called anyone bad names like she did) and my idiotic brother said i deserved it...and i don't even know why? i remember i said to them that whats the problem if you guys make dinner or clean after you guys when we all (my parents and I) do it too..and they didn't like it.. they don't care about my parents..
She yelled at me in my own parents house asking me to go the hell and lock me in my room.. in front of my parents, it burned in me.. and i said I live here and have the same rights how dare you talk like that. I feel so hurt, and I am letting this evil person affect me so bad that i have lost my concentration and its affecting my studies so bad that i am nearly passing through studies. She only thinks about what She wants, its always about her. And i think when you are married in a Muslim family you have responsibilities. I mean its wrong to think about only you when you are living with a family, and when you know you are going to live with the parents. I am worried she will not take care of the parents and she knew when she got married that they are going to take care of them..
she says she wants to be a free bird, and i asked her why did you get married then? As you see.. this is affecting me.. i have always tried my best to help around in the house while i try to build myself a future because i dont want to be like my siblings, they have hurted me so much.. and i need help cause this is going so deeply in me.. and i am almost losing it. i want to know how can i let it go, and not let them affect me.. because these last years are now my final at the university and its affecting my so much that my grades are going bad and i will have problem to get a job later in life.. and i have no explanation to my future boss.. that i let this person affect me..
I dont want them to have this power over me, i have slept crying, i have had bad thoughts of my self..and i dont want other people to have that power over me..Is there any dua that can help me? How can I survive this? and how can make sure that they dont have the power to affect me like they do now? I cant sleep, my heartbeat is reaching the high level and my body starts to shake because my body feels like being in a war all the time and i have to look behind my shoulder if someone is attacking me.. and yes my brother have hurtet me, i had markes on my body for a whole month...
I cant move out because i am not married, and i feel like if i dont want to give them possibility to have anything to do with my future relationships..
While this is happening to my I am having troubles at my work place to.. And they are not giving my a reason to move me from my departement to another one. Where i work now is more connected to my studies and it helps me to work with something i Study.. and Now i am losing it too.. I feel like this year has only given me bad news...I have only support from my childhood friend and my to- be husband who my family dosent know about.. I want to tell my parents and i know they will be happy for me, because he is high educated and from a well good family and good standards..but i am scared because i know my sibilings will try to ruin it for me, or try to make my to- be husbands family against me (i know my sibiling very well).. but i love him from all of my heart, and i know he has a strong personality and not easly affected by hormons like my brother..i cant marry him now because i am in my studies and i dont have afford to pay for a wedding or buy a home, and i feel like it will be my escape.. i feel sorry too, knowing that i might lose my contact with my parents because of my brother and his wife.. and it hurts me to know i am letting them control me like this.. and i want to end it, i want to be hard as a stone again, i want to stand up for me. I dont want it to hurt anymore...
Give me any advice to have to get over this and just try to focus on my study and my hope to make a better future for me..I am losing hope after so many years of being tortured by siblings..(sorry for the spelling).
Sorrow786.
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Salaams,
There is a big piece of this that I am not getting from everything you said: What are your parents thoughts of everything going on? This is THEIR home, and they should be in control of everything that goes on. They should not be allowing your brother to physically harm you or your sister in law to verbally abuse you. The way you describe everything, it sounds like they are locked away somewhere, completely oblivious to what's going on. Why have they allowed your brother and his wife to live there? Are they partial to him over you? Have you even tried talking to them about any of this?
Personally, if I had adult children in the home, I would expect them to come to me about any issues going on. I can't really say I blame your sister in law for not doing anything toward the upkeep of the house, since it's really not her responsibility nor is she obligated to do anything for anyone else. However, it would be good adab on her part to do something, but clearly she doesn't have good adab in general if she can so easily disrespect you in her mother/father in laws home. You have more rights than she does, as far as living there goes...so the very least she can do is treat the household members with respect.
If I were your parents, and I found out about this, I would put them out. I feel that your brother and sister in law need to be moving toward independence, if they are not staying in the home to help support your parents. If you don't see that reasonably happening, then the only other option you have left is to work toward marrying that man you have in mind. Honestly, that's not something you should be keeping a secret. If you are already having correspondence with that man or seeing him, your parents should be involved. Just because they know about it doesn't mean your brother/sister in law have to be a part of it. Are your parents on your side or not? And if they are not, is it because you are letting your siblings dominate what kind of relationship you have with them? Sister, at some point, you have to fight for and protect your own interests and your unique relationship with your parents. Don't let them influence that for you...continue to go to your parents alone and defend your place, your rights, and your connection with them.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As Salamualaikum,
Sister, I was confused, whether you are studying or working. You initially said you are in the final year at the university, then you said you work somewhere, than you again said you study ???
In addition to what sister Amy said, if your brother isn't supporting your parents, and infact hurting them, you people should ask him to live separately with his wife. This way, she will be a free bird just as she wants. If they create some problem, I THINK you should take the legal route. Though your brother has a partial right over your parents' property, he is wrong in ignoring them.
Regarding your marriage, you are not obliged to pay anything for it. It is the man's responsibility. So, if the man you wish to marry is a good Muslim, he won't ask you to pay a penny.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor