We are different castes, how can I approach her family?
The roots of the Indian caste system can be found in the Hindu scriptures, although the caste system was adopted by other religions in India as well.
Salaam,
I am in need of some help please. Me and my girlfriend are both 19 and we love each other. I know this is harram so we have talked about getting married and decided that I would talk to both my family and hers.
The problem we have is that we are different castes: she is of a higher caste then me and when we used to be just friends she got in trouble and her father who told her not to talk to me and that if she went behind their back and they found out that she was talking to me that they would disown her.
I told her that if she had a choice between me or her father I would not let her pick me even though I love her I do not want to be the person who destroys other peoples families. Her brother is also a a friend of mine, not a close friend though, but it affects our relationship as he does not know and he have to avoid him because he may get in trouble from his father for not watching his sister.
I am willing to talk to her father but I don't want to cause trouble because they would know we have been talking, I could talk to my family first but if it doesn't work out then I will get in trouble with my family and they will lose their trust in me. I am not close to my father at all and we do not talk at all although we live in the same house so I don't know how to go about talking to my family about it.
My main concern is that I don't what her to get into trouble. My question is how do I go about talking to both families without causing trouble and ruining everything? If we were engaged could I be with her and not be committing sins?
Thank you
- lonely traveler
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There is no such thing as caste in Islam. Please also take a look at this question we just published a few days ago. You might find the answers helpful as far as the caste issue:
Parents not agreeing to my choice of wife because we are different castes
However, it's hard to tell how much of her father's disapproval is due to caste, and how much is because you are carrying on an un-Islamic relationship with his young daughter. If I were in his position I would probably also have told my daughter to stay away from you. At this point it's likely too late, as her father already has a bias against you and will probably not change his mind.
If the most important thing to you, as you say, is that you don't want her to get in trouble, then the answer is simple. Stop seeing her.
On the other hand if you are really determined and unwilling to walk away, then you need to find the courage to talk to your father about it. Be calm and assertive. Tell him that you met a girl that you want to marry , and ask him to talk to her family, and take it from there Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you Wael and everyone else for your comments they are exactly what i expected..
since i put up this question we are no longer in a relationship under the agreement from us both that it is wrong but we still have strong feelings for each other and still would like to get married. Neither of us has approached our parents about the situation because we still feel her father would not allow it.. i was wonder if anyone could point out some hadiths and/or quotes from the Qu'ran that show caste is irrelevant in Islam and should not be consider when getting marriage so I could bring them up when i talk to both families.
Thank you all once again
Salaams,
I think Wael covered everything that was pertinent to you post, but just in case it was left out:
The answer to: "If we were engaged could I be with her and not be committing sins?" is NO.
If you are engaged to someone, you are still sinful for being around them without supervision unless you are actually married to the person. For you to be around someone of the opposite sex who you are not married to, you must be chaperoned by family (or other respected guardians, if family is not available), and even those times should be only as necessary and kept to a minimum.
Salaams lonely traveler
I think you need to go and see her parents with your parents and agree to make this official engagement and then marry when you both ready. That way you are not threatened or feeling scared facing the truth. Also by having an open conversation with your parents about the girl you met they are more likely to act for your happiness then you two going behind there backs this will actually make things worse if they were to catch you. If you really love her then this is your test to see if you really want this and you both willing to face reality and the facts of how you feel.
I wish you all the best for the future.
What has been of your situation?
I'm a little confused. Is the girlfriend also Muslim, or is she Hindu?
Are you sure the problem is different castes?
Castes are generally irrelevant in Islam. Castes are however relevant in Hinduism. Any Muslim living within an (for eg) Indian Hindu community where there are a mixture of castes, then a Muslim would be considered bottom of the High castes, or top of the Low castes (depending on what ones' ancestors' caste was), unless of course in the Pariah 'out'castes.
Generally in the strictest Hindu terms, one should not marry outside of one's caste, but in today's society this rule is becoming far more relaxed. There is no equivalent caste system in Islam, but it is generally agreed that one should only marry someone who is also a Muslim dedicated to Islam.
If you were really serious about each other, then the only thing to do would be to explain to both families and accept their final decisions. Meaning if they say no, and you're not someone who would break apart families, then you would not get to be with her. If you truly loved each other, and both sets of families could see how important this was, surely they'd want you to be happy and allow the union. However reputation and honour may to both families, take precedence over your individual happiness.
I wish you all the best.
salam walakum brother and sisters
lonely traveler wants to know if you could point out some hadiths from the Qu'ran which tells us caste is irrelevant in Islam. this is normally seen in countries like india and pakistan. proposal's are rejected due to difference in caste.. even in islam which stills happens now days. so, we cant say his thoughts are wrong about the girls father rejecting him cause of his caste.
lonely traveler if you are now in relation with some one else then you have to forget the girl.and carry on with you coming life. or if you think you still have time to come forward and speak for the person you love you can do that.
cause islam even say . if your heart doesnt agree to live with the person you have to stay in future. u shoudnt.. this way u would spoil lives nothing else.
if you dont want her to be in trouble .. you can send a proposal saying you have seen and met this girl(to her father) whom you want to marry .
nothing is simple. or if u think this is not the right time.. waite for a wile but never spoil anyone's life if you cant take care-love-or keep the person happy.
Pride, boasting and vainglory based on ancestry, lineage and origin has clearly been condemned in Islam. Allah Most High Says:
"O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other (not that you may despise each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) most righteous of you" (Surah al-Hujurat, 13).
Allah Almighty also says:
"The believers are but a single brotherhood. So make peace and reconciliation between your two (contending) brothers" (al-Hujurat, 10).
The Messenger of Allah said:
"Verily Allah has removed from you the stupidity of the Jahiliyya and their boasting of their ancestors. Whether you are god-fearing believers or wretched sinners, you are the sons of Adam, and Adam was created from dust" (Sunan Abu Dawud,).