Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to avoid physical intimacy with my fiancé

Pre-marital/extra-marital relationships are haram in Islam

I and my boyfriend have been in this relationship for more than a year & now we are engaged to be married next year. We have to wait till next year due to some serious financial difficulty.

The problem is that we used to hold hands, hug, kiss, and sometimes we go for 2nd and even 3rd base; we feel extremely guilty about these later on but we can not control at the moment. We promised not to do this several times but we often get chance to be alone and sometimes we lose control.

We both know how great of a sin it is and we both want to avoid these and get Allah's blessings on us,not curse. Last time we lost our control & we were just about to have sex! Alhamdulillah he managed to say "Lets don't do this" and I could agree.

I think we will never get to this state or the second or third base before marriage; but we also want to stop the hugging and kissing part which we aren't being able to control yet.

Knowing our situation, can you please give us suggestions so that we can control? We really need'em.

BTW, I wear hijab. And we want to try to avoid being by ourselves. But i guess we can't want it as strongly as we should. How to increase the will power?


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17 Responses »

  1. For those of us who don't uderstand baseball, by second base you mean touching under clothes all over including breasts, Third base you mean touching below the waist ; in some contexts, it may also instead refer to oral stimulation of the genitals So your financee was close to scoring a Home run (home base) – "full" sexual intercourse.

    It is nice to know you wear Hijab. Please try not to be alone with him. You are not married, if you have sex your financee may leave you. Stopping all of sudden may send a wrong messsage. Slow down.

    • SVS
      when she said 2nd 3rd base and if someone didnt understand it theres no problem in that at all dear....

      and its not the sacred verses that u have to clear things in detail,,,, explaining whats 2nd and 3rd base.....
      so fear Rab before putting somethings here


  2. Sister,

    Some time ago, I read here on this very website how a sister was engaged to be married and ended up having sexual relations with her fiance. After she slept with him, he was no longer interested in marrying her. His words to her were something along the line of her being "easy" and if he was able to get her into bed, he wondered how easy it would be for another man to bed her.

    Do yourselves a favor and do not be alone together. The Shaitan is tempting both of you and he will not be satisfied until you both cross the line. The fact that you are hugging, holding hands and kissing is only contributing to the situation you find yourself in. You just need to stop any interaction where the two of you are alone. When the time comes for you to marry, you both will be happy that you waited and went about things in a halal manner.


    • I am sorry then the guy is a hypocrite- he wanted to sleep her too. If he truly loved her then he would understand that such are normal feelings and it doesn't mean if she had sex with him then she is easy and will sleep with other men.

      • Of course he is a hypocrite and a dog too. However, this scenario happens more often than we would care to admit. Once the girl has given up the goods, often...the guy isn't interested in her anymore. He is off to find the next girl. Some girls have given their virginity to a man only for him to turn around and say to her, "I can't marry you because you are not a virgin!" This is why it is so important for any sister to be careful and keep herself within the boundaries of Islam and stay away from situations that could end her up in trouble or worse.


        • Najah, I do agree with you and at times I feel that men from our society are big hypocrites because they themselves go around sleeping witn other women but pretend to be good sons.When it comes to women then they want them to be pure.Oh I am tired of all this. I think we as women need to stand up and revolt against such traditions. I strongly believe that when a man truly loves a woman he won't judge her for her past or for her fallings because he knows that she is a human being just like him.
          I hope you ladies are with me on this

          • As a man from Men side I do agree with u sister

          • The only way that women could fight this is to never trust a non-Mahram's sweet words and actions that lead a woman to believe that he can be trusted in a relationship outside of marriage. If Muslim women could understand this, this would be enough for standing up and revolting against this type of hypocritical behaviour we see. A man who really respects and loves a woman would seek to marry her through halal and respectable means and wouldn't expect anything outside of marriage from her. I wish more sisters knew this.

  3. As-salamu Alaykum,
    Maybe your parents would agree to allowing you to perform a nikah (legal marriage) before the actual ceremony? Otherwise, you should avoid being alone with your fiancé. Listen to Sr. Najah above.

  4. There is a very simple solution to this, which I am surprised you have not yet discovered:

    Do not be alone together. End of story.

    Is someone forcing you guys to be alone together? If not, what is the problem?

    You have already committed the most heinous sins in Islam by fornicating. Please note that fornication is not restricted to intercourse but includes all forms of sexual activity.

    Try to have some fear of Allah and begin behaving as true muslims. I'm glad your boyfriend-girlfriend haram relationship worked out for you and resulted in an engagement, but its time to have some fear of Allah and fear for your future. Things could have gone terribly wrong. Allah SWT could have punished you by giving you a sexually transmitted disease, by being raped by this person, by getting pregnant, or by being abandoned, or your parents could have alienated you. So many things could have gone wrong due to your heinous sins and thoroughly unbecoming behaviour, but they did not, they worked out.

    Seriously, isn't that enough to keep you on the right track????

    If fear of Allah and gratitude to Allah is not enough to keep you away from your fiancé, then you are truly lost.

  5. You and your boyfriend should not to meet each other then you will control the condition. Otherwise you can't control that condition.

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    As stated above, do not meet your fiance alone and don't falter on this, no matter WHAT he says to you and consider having the Nikah done earlier. Hopefully parents on both side understand, unfortunately, many don't these days.

    Halal relationships have become increasingly difficult and haram relationships extremely easy--be more aware of your feelings those "whispers" from shaitaan that silence your rational thought when you about to let your guard down. The point isn't to avoid acts of zina, but to avoid the path that leads to it.

    Take a decision and then stick to it. Don't let yourself slip into the argument of "We couldn't control ourselves." because marriage is hard work where two mature adults will have to make important decisions all the time in which they HAVE to control themselves.

    May Allah make you successful and grant both of you a successful marriage, Ameen.

    • SABA: As stated above, do not meet your fiance alone and don't falter on this, no matter WHAT he says to you and consider having the Nikah done earlier. Hopefully parents on both side understand, unfortunately, many don't these days.

      Looks like they have done almost every thing except act of penetration. Suddenly stopping meeting him may send wrong signals, like she no longer wants him or she found some one else.. Her b/f may start looking for another girl to do things with.

      I don't think their parents know what is going on between the two. They can't just go and say we can't wait to have sex so please marry us as soon as possible. When marriage date was being decided this love birds should have asked for an earlier date.

      Changing things all of a sudden may mean an end of story. Me thinks

      • If she tells him that she doesn't want to meet him alone for fear of doing the wrong thing and he doesn't oblige her, that says a lot about him and shouldn't be ignored.

        When a person is talking to one's parents about marriage, one should have tact--if her fiancee wants to meet her alone, he should have the guts to push for a Nikaah--this is rather normal and I see many couples who do this successfully.

        They are waiting due to finances--but Sunnah is to have a simple Nikaah and IS possible.
        If you have the patience to build finances and wait for marriage, then you have the patience to wait for intimacy.
        Both have promised to not get intimate, but keeping meeting often. That's like someone for a weakness for chocolate cake hanging out at the best bakery everyday and later saying "I couldn't control myself." Well, of course, you can't.

        Both acknowledge this is a great sin--so they shouldn't be surprised if one wants to stop the private meetings. Leaving everything the way it is, is asking for disaster.

  7. OP: Last time we lost our control & we were just about to have sex!

    Next time you may not be lucky and you may go all the way.......He could leave you for loosing your virginity. He may claim he did not know it is sin to do it.

  8. Salam alaikum Sister,

    Masha'Allah on seeking to end this dangerous situation.. I think the advice of staying away from each other is good, but you should also remember not to steer any conversation in this direction. It's easy to get carried away with increasingly sexual conversation or text messaging. And this will make it even more difficult when you see each other. Change the subject when sex or sexual play is mentioned.

    What some of the others here have advised about your fiance potentially leaving if he "gets what he wants" is sound advice for most - although I think some credit must be given to him for (as you said) stopping you both from engaging in full intercourse when your will power here was lacking. He sounds like a good person masha'Allah and his and your sincere repentance should be accepted.

    Please mention the following to him too:

    Take solice in the fact that it looks like the two of you will have a good physical relationship after marriage - but to keep this and other areas of your marriage happy, you will need barakah.. and continued intimacy before marriage will not bring you much of that.

    Nikah is also a very good idea - it should be inexpensive and simple anyway - marriage these days is near impossible to do this way.. It's one of the wisdoms of Islamic marriage, but in this nafs driven world and influence - family and certain cultures and societies expect you to be on your best behaviour for a couple of years.. a silly thing to expect, especially when they allow you to spend time alone together. If your parents are religious, I would suggest bringing up the religious argument of wanting a nikah that is more accurate in light of the sunnah.. and you're happy to have the walimah at a later stage.

    Other advice would be to fast - this decreases sexual desire. Do dhikr.. focusing more on your religion and making du'a will refocus your priorities. This helps a lot - I speak from experience ha.

    Allahu alam

    Allah bless you both and keep you steadfast ameen

    • I just want to know what is the payoff of this sin is only astagfar and nafil is okay or is there need of anything else?
      Or is it no forgiveness of it.
      Want to know for someone else

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