My husband abandoned me – now what do I do?
Visa stamp.
Previous posts by this author:
I can forgive him, but how can I forget how he cheated? - November 2012
Married him in secret but I told his sister, now he’s angry - April 2012
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My husband has been working abroad, had an affair with another woman and actually was living with her for over 6 months while I waited for him in the US and he lied to me about what he was doing. Now he wants me back.
I love him, I understand the circumstances he was under in Russia while working that caused his infidelity. He has asked me for forgiveness. But while I was in the US waiting, my mother died, and I had no monetary support from him. I became homeless, and my daughter and her family took me in. I felt like such a burden.
Now I have made a new life for myself. I have not seen my husband in over 15 months. He just sent me money for a ticket to come meet him in Azerbaijan. He ended the affair after I found out about it, and when he was allowed to leave Russia. I think he might be using the internet for pornography. I do not approve.
My problem is I still love him very very much. But he does not treat me kindly sometimes because of his anger about not getting visa to the US. I have a home now, and a car, and income, and if I go to him my visa is only good for 90 days, and I must return to the US and he cannot come here with me because he was denied a visa. I will then be homeless again, and start over. I am 55 years old and this is too hard for me.
What do I do? How do I divorce him and live with that? I do know he loves me, and he can be very loving most of the time. I know he works hard and is very frustrated with not getting his visa approved. Where can we live and be together forever in this world? I am torn. I do not want to leave my security here yet I miss him terribly and love him so much but we cannot be together but for a short time because of the visa situation. Please guide me..
- 1happyrockgirl
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Happyrockgirl, I really want to copy and paste Najah's entire answer from your last post back in November 2012. Instead I'll ask you to go back and read it.
I suspect strongly that this man is using you for a visa to the U.S. Once he gets his green card you will most likely see a repeat of the previous issues: abandonment, infidelity and lack of support. Or he might disappear from your life entirely.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@wael : why my comments are not being posted ?
will they be checked by u and then posted ? because i am trying to post but i am unable to
Simply posting links to another website and telling people to go ask their question there is not constructive. If there is a specific article on another website that you believe would be helpful to the questioner, you may post it. And of course if you have sincere advice to offer, please do so.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@Wael : Assalamulaikum brother.
The reason I was asking sister -1happyrockgirl to visit islamqa.com and post her question there is because I feel a scholar can provide a better solution than us.
I am sorry if this is not in accordance with the rules of this forum.
Khader, do you believe it requires a scholar to advise this sister? She is not asking for a fatwa, but for advice; we have been advising people with relationship issues for 14 years.
When you visit here for the first time and immediately tell someone to go to a different website, without offering any genuine advice or comments on her predicament, it comes off as disrespectful and dismissive of our site.
IslamQa.com is a good website ma-sha-Allah. I read it often. It provides a different kind of service than ours. If you feel this website is not a good place for brothers and sisters to ask for advice, then please move on and leave this website to those who appreciate it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaam
dear sister you are better off with out him i would write a lengthy reply but do not have time at the moment so just leave him ask yourself if you could avoid infidility then why could he not avoid it
Assalamu alaikum,
Sister your value is NOT attached to this man NOR your self worth. If he as a husband and a muslim can leave his responsibility of a wife and kid on the street then he has abandoned his responsibility and SHOWN his negligence and uncaring attitude towards you. DONT let your heart CLOUD your thinking! Move on.YOU are not a doormat. you are a servant of ALLAH swt only.
Assalamu alaykum sister there are so many red flags, why do you ignore all the signs?he is only using you and never did love you in the first place.after all that you still asking what to do?you went through all this because of him and it seems you still dont have enough??? please have some selfrespect for yourself and divorce this man, he is only using you!go and pray to Allah,learn more about islam,learn to respect yourself,work on your self worth,find some hobbys. do not worry about you age , inshAllah you will find a nice muslim husband and even if not, dont you think its better without than one like him???please wake up sister, i cant believe you still didnt learn from your mistake.some people have to lose everything to wake up.take the advice everyone gave you from your posts before!you are stuck in this situation and asking for advice.why do you ask for advice if you dont take them anyway?is up to you now if you want to lose everything again and be left alone then go ahead ,is your life and your decision. But do not complain later "why is it happening to me" as you had the choice.
Salam Sister,
It appears you have worked really hard at this point to get to where you are. Why on earth would you even take the chance with this man? Do not let your heart rule your head my dear...you are smarter than that. The fact that your husband was in Russia working does in no way excuse him from shacking up with a woman whilst you waited for him to return home.
I seriously think you need to sit down and ponder the hell you went through while he was playing house in Russia. You need to get mad and really think about what YOU went through. Your mothers passing, no monetary support from him and being homeless. Where was he? Did he care? No...still shacking up with some random female while you were home...waiting for him.
So...you haven't seen him in over 15 months and now he wants you back?! How sweet of him...not. You have made a new life and I am certain the road was not an easy one. Send his money back sweetie, you don't need him at all. You need your health and well being...not someone who does not value you and respect you as a person.
You say you still love him, I say, "love is blind". If he loved you, he would have never put you through the things you went through. That is not love at all. Those are the actions of a selfish, self serving individual. Here we are once again...15 months later and he needs something from you so out of the blue, he sends you money to visit him. That tells me a lot about him. He is a man of no character nor shame and he thinks he can just snap his wittle fingers and you are going to come running.
You are a smart woman, you know what you need to do and it sure as heck isn't hopping on some plane to no where. You say, "I know he loves me" however his actions are not the actions of a man who even knows what the word love means except maybe if for himself. You know the old saying, "actions speak louder than words"? If that holds true, his actions speak volumes.
I see that you love him...I see that you are torn however, I do not see anything healthy at all for you in this relationship. For me, the mere fact that he dropped off planet Earth for over a year whilst having no contact with you, makes my decision an easy one here. I think he has a lot of audacity to contact you now and it's probably because he needs something...don't kid yourself on that. Only you can decide what you are going to do here, just don't make your decision with your heart because chances are...it will be broken...again.
Salam
Salam Happyrockgirl,
Please take Najah's advice inshAllah, this hit all the points that I would love for you to take in. Please don't let him break your heart again sister, he is not good for you. Sometimes we like things that are bad for us and dislike something when it is in fact good for us. This is your personal test, but you can get through it inshAllah, please don't let him ruin any more of yours and your families lives! There has to be a point when enough is enough and I think that point has been reached, your doing well mashAllah!! keep it that way, its hard but save yourself the long-term pain so shake this shackles off now inshAllah.
Love, live Allah swt and you will be eternally happy my sweet!
Allah help us all ya rab.
Sister R
He's using you, Sister. Once he gets his visa, you're going to get abandoned again.
He is preying on the fact that you love him and will not say no to him. He is clear out using you, but you are not able to see past your emotions. When you make a decision with respect to him, you only think of the good feelings that he gives to you and seem to forget the pain he caused you. When thinking about what to do next time with him, don't think you are losing anything, you can and will do better. It is, I think, even better to be alone than let this person enter your life again. It may be that you have one really good cry, gather your strength, pray to Allah again and again and again, and move on and leave this man out of your life once and for all.
As Salam alaykoum,
First he committed zina. Second you suspect him of pornography. Third, he could be committing zina again and again without you knowing. How can you forgive such a guy? His lifestyle is definitely not modeled after sayyidna Muhammad, Salli allahu Allahi ws Salam. This man is not befitting to be any lady's husband. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a man who commits zina with his eyes, ears, and his body? If you don't have kids, If you are financiallyin dependent, then leave him. You don't need such a person in your life. If you stick with him then you'll have a horrible life. Open your eyes and think about your future. Live your life as islamically as possible. None of the sahaba,,radi allahu anhoum, will ever accept his actions and you shouldn't either. The best marriage out there is built on taqwa from both husband and wife. Leave. Ask Allah for help. He hears and sees all, he is waiting for you through salat and duaa. Nasr Allah qareeb....Allahs help is near