Husband converted and married me just to get his UK passport
My husband is a revert, he accepted islam before we got married. We have been married for nearly 5 years. He also has 3 children from his previous marriage who has not yet converted to islam and they live in india. We have 3 children from this marriage.
Things were going very smooth before he got his rights to stay in the contry. He had promised me that he will have his sunnat done and learn the quran shariff. But now he has become a complete different person. All he wants is to earn money and bring his other children over as soon as possible. I told him to tell his children to think about islam, he told me that they are young to know all this.
I dont think he has accepted islam from the heart. He is never around to help me with the kids. I have 1 year, 2 year and a 3 year old boy. I am stuck at home. I also have two other children from my previous marriage, whom he has never loved. He showered love on them before he got his red passport and now he does not know them.
I have also caught him talking to his first wife in india whom he claim he has divorced. When I first caught him talking I chucked him out of my house then he promised me that he will never do it again and give him a last chance. So I trusted him and took him back. This was in the beginning before his rights.
He becomes non muslim when he goes to india and does all the poojas etc.. and hides his islamic name from people. He never has confronted that he has become muslim and when comes to the UK he goes to mosque and prays does not know what he prays. I feel that he has cheated me and now I am left with 5 children to look after even when he is still living under the same roof.
Always has quarrel when it comes to paying bills, does not want to pay. I really dont know what to do. Whether to keep him or let him go, what is the use of keeping him if he is not around when I need him. I do everything like as if I am a lone parents.
Please give me advice...
- nazrana
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Dear Nazrana, Asalaamualaykum
I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in. You have two issues here, (1) you dont know if your husband is Muslim and (2) you dont feel he is fulfilling his role as a husband. I guess the most important thing you need to establish here is if this man is actually muslim or not. If he is not, then the decision is effectively out of your hands as he is haraam for you and you must leave him immediately.
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Seeing as he has obtained his British Nationality, he will not be so bothered about hiding his true motives to you now - if your doubts are true.
I would question him extensively about his beliefs and I am sure he will crack soon. If he is doing pooja in India, could he be just doing the actions in order to conceal his new faith infront of his family? Hmm, thats a big benefit of the doubt. You need to put all your information together. You say that he prays in the mosque, but you don't know what he prays. Why don't you know? That is a little confusing. Question him as much as you can.
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With regards to him talking to his 'ex-wife' in India, he has children with her so I do not see how it is possible for him to never talk to her.
With regards to the other issues of his not paying the bills and not giving children time etc, these are issues that need to be dealt with. But these are secondary, the primary issue is the 'Religious Identity of this man'.
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If you have real doubts, speak to a qualified Imaam and take advice. May be they will suggest you separate until you know what his beliefs are. Maybe they will visit this man and speak to him on your behalf.
May Allah make things clear to you very soon and make it easy for you to follow the correct path, Aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
He Clearly wants to stay Indian rather than a muslim but you need to communicate with him to get the truth. I hope inshallah for your kids he see's sense.
For reverts, it is difficult to tell the family that they have changed sometimes. They might just go along with family traditions when they are around them to keep peace, so that there is no fighting or questioning their faith. These matters like faith and life choices like marriage are things that are not personal choices back home. People's lives could be in danger if they go against their family's wishes. If not life, then a lot of drama.
How did he convert? Did he really feel like Allah had giuided him? He is praying, he goes to masjid. Why are you in doubt?
Most non-status holders are very excited to get their nationality/status, and know this will be the door for their relatives comming in and he certainly wants his kids to come. Had he divorced his previous wife?
Not being around to help with the kids? That's not unusual for Indian/Paki husbands. They think child rearing is the mother's job. They might even have very bad/immoral habits themselves, are rarely home, and do come home to critisize the wife and her child-rearing abilities and the kids' habits. Somehow, you've got to make him realize that his kids and his wife needs his time. You are a family, they are part of you and him. Tell him it would be nice if you had his help with the kids.
In Islam the man is the provider, and he has to pay the bills. There's no excuse.
Why would he go to masjid if his motive was to pretend to be Muslim until he got his nationality? He could have just lied and pretended at home. It is a complicated situation for him I could imagine. If he really is a revert, and he has kids back home who are not Muslim. It is hard enough changing your lifestyle, leaving your children, how to tell family and freinds here and back home, and marriage itself, then leaving the mother of your children for the sake of your deen( altough many desi men, leaving your children, how to tell family and freinds here and back home, and marriage itself. and non-desi ofcourse, cheat on their wives who are back home by sleeping around here or marrying another woman while wife is back home).
But you could be correct in your speculations. Be sure that when you guys talk about t, there's no yelling or threatening, just talk calmly both of you like two mature adults. And make sure you get your answers and not just proof that he loves you. I found that we women are so foolish sometimes that we have issues with our husbands and as soon as we feel that he loves me or get confirmation for that., we feel so happy and our burdens removed, and forget what we wwere questioning him about. Because for women that is important, wee need to know that he loves us, and when we feel something is not right, we are really concerned because we feel like we are not loved. As soon as we hear, I love you", or get a bint of that, we are happy. Easy for those meany guys.
Correction:
If he really is a revert, and he has kids back home who are not Muslim. It is hard enough changing your lifestyle, leaving your children, how to tell family and freinds here and back home, and marriage itself, then leaving the mother of your children for the sake of your deen( altough many desi men, and non-desi ofcourse, cheat on their wives who are back home by sleeping around here or marrying another woman while wife is back home).
see that's what happens when you are talking to your sister the same time you type!
just pray inshallah allah swt makes him see sense,he truly is confused if he does puja when he goes back to india.i pray for your patience and for your childrens happiness.