How to get rid of temptations for this other man when my husband curses and ignore me?
The Worldly Temptations
Salam to all my brothers and sisters,
I've been married for 6 years now. We have 2 children together. I thought I would always be happy with this man. I was wrong. We are not happy at all. If we get in one little argument he stops talking to me for days. So I'm like a crazy women that doesn't talk to my husband. I have my family but I'm lonely without my husband.
Just to cut my story short I'm getting into the details. He was physically abusing me until my family stopped that. Still til today he pushes,shoves and grabs me very hard. Now he is verbally abusing me. I mean what he says to me I will not say it to my enemy. He hurts me very much with his words. I can't open up to my family because they will hate him. Maybe even make the problem bigger. First and most he has a jealousy problem. He always thinks a "Man" is going to take me and run away if I just leave my house. My husband put white wallpaper all over then kitchen window for NO one can see while I do dishes,etc.
I can see NO sunlight. He screams at me if my neck accidentally shows while moving around in public, holding my daughter,etc. He says I do that on purpose to get him mad. I never show my body to anyone but my husband. People think its cute when a man is jealous over his wife. There is jealousy and then there is sickness. I really think he is sick. For an example if he sees an Arab man he literally comes so close to me then make me walk in front of him while he stares at me with the meanest look. " Like "Allahu Akbar" did I tell that man to be in public while we were? Like I am blamed for everything.
Back to my everyday life....So him calling me all these bad words it made me have anger in me. I was not getting any attention from him. He was always to sleepy to do what married people are supposed to do. If I ever wanted to go out, he would say "no" staying home and relaxing sounds better. I understand he's tired from work. I just want one day for him to leave his work problems at home and enjoy being with his wife and kids. Having him verbally abusing me plus with no attention from him changed me. I was never a girl to talk to men. One day on my Facebook I got a friend request from a man. Then with us chatting on Facebook made me feel good, special. I know I was wrong. We then exchanged phone numbers. It was talking on phone plus texting. I guess I liked this "other" man or I think he was giving me the attention that I wanted.
This "other" man wanted me to just drop my life and run to him. Which I'm not that cruel to do that to my husband and kids. Me and this "other" man talked for almost 2 years. He was going to come to see me because I lived in a different state as him. I live in America anyways... I was scared that if I meet this man the devil would get the best of me. So I told this "other" man I'm done. "Don't text, call, nothing!" He got angry and hung up in my face. Then I would get texts here and there from him but I would tell him I was serious that I'm done. Then after a couple weeks I started getting private calls from him and late at night. Then I gave in. I texted him A couple months ago for the Eid. Then we stared talking again. He wanted more then a friendship. So again I cut it off. I know this is haraam to say but I miss this "other" man. I miss him making me laugh. I miss the attention I got from him. When I tell my family that I'm unhappy they said oh hush your husband is a good guy! Which I know he is but I'm living with him as a roommate. I don't deserve to be called all those nasty words,etc.
My question is how can I stop my temptations? I want to just run away with this man and just have him by me. I feel like I think of him more an more everyday. I don't know if this is love or is it lust? I'm lost and I'm a good Muslim-ah until this man came in my life over Facebook. BTW I deleted my Facebook long ago. I want this nightmare to end. I want to be happy and not think of a different man. My temptation to just call and tell him to buy me a plane tickets gets stronger every time my husband curses me out. PLEASE HELP ME. EXPLAIN SOMEONE WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH MY HUSBAND AND HOW TO GET THIS "OTHER" MAN OUT OF MY MIND..!! I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!
Salam all,
Trying.
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Wa'alaykumsalam,
Before I talk about you and your husband's situation, I'll have to say that firstly, SHAYTAN has already entered your married life in the form of a man who sent you a friend request on fb and you've naively accepted a stranger's request evn whilst married. What were you thinking ? Then futhuremore you've communicated with him by texts and then talks. And even planned on meeting him in person, but thank Allah for you've canceled it. You were doing right when you told him that 'you're done' and cutting off ties. You didn't realise that shaytan won't give up easily and so you went back to communication with him. Then again you did right by wanting to cut off ties but unfortunately its already too late for shaytan has already instilled evil temptations in your mind. Know that you too committed grave sins by having extra marital affairs. Your sins is comparable to zina ( zina of tongue, zina of ears etc ). I can only say that the shaytan has the upper hands for now.
You can certainly put him under your foot. Infact you have to do it, that is cut of all ties from him. Never ever think of texting or talking to him for Allah's wrath will be more on you. If possible change your number or block his number. While doing all this, you have to repent sincerely and regret. Do lots of worship.
Do not be disloyal.
If you 'think' that facebook man is good. You thought wrong. Because a good muslim would never ever intefere in a married couple's life no matter what. He is evil. Who knows of how many women more he tricked. You only knew him on fb and he is using awesome tricks by making women laugh etc
Our Prophet said “ He is not considered among us [Muslims], who turns a woman against her husband”
and know that Iblees honors his troops who destroys a married life.
So basically, whenever bad thoughts enter your mind, quickly seek refuge with Allah. Don't continue thinking and if possible pray nafl salat. And also keep in mind that, you have 2 kids. Get rid of those thoughts, I hope someone here can come up with a better way on how to rid those, Take heed before its too late.
Secondly, there is a great deal of emotional and verbal abuse going on in many houses. So you're not alone. This situation you are in, can cause lots of troubles for you, your family, your husband and also your kids.
You havn't described your husband in detail of whether he do his regular prayers or how he treats his kids etc. But you and your mum knows that he is a good man. So I'm wondering, what forces him to act like this ? Is it randomly or may be it is triggered by you or someone else?
Every women who is good/pious etc needs to be treated with respect love and mercy. Your husband's behavior is unacceptable. He will be held accountable for his actions. If the only problem is with regards to verbal and physical abuse then try to talk to him calmly and with wisdom. Try telling him that you are really hurt by his attitude. Tell him to fear Allah and his limits given by Allah, for his behavior is evil. Find a solution to what causes mini arguements, or causing him to be abusive etc.
Read to him this if possible,
"O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them;nor let women ridicule [other]women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after [one's] faith. And whoever does not repent - then it is those who are the wrongdoers." (49:11)
The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats badly those under his authority will not enter Paradise ."
If all in vain then I believe that you have few options under your sleeves.
1) Bear the pain/unjust oppression with patience and conviction that things will improve by time and justice will be served in this life or the next by the most just Lord, thus saving your marriage and your kids.
2) Give him an ultimatum, tell him that if he do not improve his abusive behavior you will seperate from him and take the kids away. Sometimes this persuades husband to change for the better.
3) If you trully trully can't bear this situation then you make seek divorce. If he doesn't give it, then take your case to the Islamic council. Before doing its best to pray salat al isthikhara.
Regarding point 3, you have to tell an Imam about your situation in details because the ground for divorce has to be valid.
Keep in mind, our Prophet said " The women who seek divorce whitout valid reason will never even smell the fragrance of paradise "
If you happen to divorce him ( I hope not ) do not hasten to run to the facebook man. I wouldn't advice him being a great man for he seems to be play boy. I would say have patience, pray salat al isthikhara and do your duty towards Allah.
I pray that your husband do not leave you being tempted for shaytan to get hold of you. And also that he will change for the better insha'Allah.
Salam,
Thank you so much. My husband prays. He's been praying for 5 years straight. Insh"allah everything will work out. He is actually being a little nicer. He got a new job and hes happy with his new boss. So lots of his stress got better.Its not the best but I love my girls, and I want my girls to grow up with a father. He's a good father. Thanks for the advice and no Im done with this "other" man 🙂 Salam
Alhamdulillah good to hear.
sister i really feel for u, because my mom is going through a similar challenge. sister ur marriage doesnt seem to be healthy at all and i doubt that this marriage will do anything positive for the kids if it is to remain like this.
may be first find out what the problem is, whats the reason behind his unacceptable behaviour? is it blackmagic or stress or what excatly, and try to deal with that problem from the roots; u can find a cure for blackmagic on islamqa website - others may fool u - islamqa is a good website, do read it.
now, here is a link stating when a woman has the right for a khula ... http://islamqa.info/en/ref/1859
in it, it says ... Is it possible for the wife to get a khula even if the husband will not agree to it? Can you mention some reasons ?.
Praise be to Allaah.
I put this question to our Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen, and he answered as follows:
If a woman dislikes her husband’s treatment of her – for example, he is over-strict, hot-tempered or easily-provoked, or gets angry a lot, or criticizes her and rebukes her for the slightest mistake or shortcoming, then she has the right of khula’ [female-instigated divorce].
If she dislikes his physical appearance because of some deformity or ugliness, or because one of his faculties is missing, she has the right of khula’.
If he is lacking in religious commitment – for example, he doesn’t pray, or neglects to pray in jamaa’ah, or does not fast in Ramadaan without a proper excuse, or he goes to parties where haraam things are done, such as fornication, drinking alcohol and listening to singing and musical instruments, etc. – she has the right of khula’.
If he deprives of her of her rights of spending on her maintenance, clothing and other essential needs, when he is able to provide these things, then she has the right to ask for khula’.
If he does not give her her conjugal rights and thus keep her chaste because he is impotent (i.e. unable to have intercourse), or because he does not like her, or he prefers someone else, or he is unfair in the division of his time [i.e., among co-wives], then she has the right to ask for khula’.
And Allaah knows best.
Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen
... i would advise u to treat ur husband with much love and respect as much u can and learn about islam. sis i know his jealousy is not healthy, but for Allaah's sake wear proper hijab, an abaya, not the cultural way of just wearing a head scarf to cover the head, that will also deal with ur husband's jealousy issue in sha Allaah, though u r right he is quite sick in his jealousy by blaming u if a man is walking in the area where u are walking with ur hubby, but u should be wearing proper hijab anyway... if he argues and stops talking, u be patient and approach him when he is calm. ... go for marriage counselling, they will tell u how to communicate better and how to have a better relationship in sha Allaah, or search on the net for advice. a lot of us dont know how to be assertive and make the person known about how we feel and grabbing their attention in the right manner, without it leading to negative consequences. ... give him body massages, that will in sha Allaah get him relaxed, and plus aroused too if u try to seduce him at the end perhaps, almond oil is great for massages. ... be more romantic and affectionate, and just be the best wife and mother u can be basically. learn more about islam, how the wives ( may Allaah be pleased with them) of the phrophet (pbuh) were like and so on.
i know this is very difficult task, but be patient sis, and if after trying ur 100% u still feel ur rights as a wife are being violated then take khula. i know sis, ur family may frown upon this, but sis, it seems like the only best thing to do. being humans we have sexual urges, if ur husband isnt satisfying u and being verbally abusive too, then he is obviously putting u in a state where tempations could rise, and its a very dangerous state to be in. temtations being on one hand and depression on the other... if ur depressed ur kids will most likely be to suffer too sis. if things dont go well, take khula if u need to, but if ur not going to take khula coz of social pressure, then try to be strong enough for ur kids, and keep trying to be a dutiful wife, though i know how hard that can be 🙁
... now, the man u met on fb, he is a playboy, he is not the right person to be married to. trust Allaah, marry a righteous man, who loves Allaah, because it is only a religeously commited man that will never take ur rights away from u in sha Allaah, and it is such a man that will be a good living example to ur kids and protect u from evil in sha Allaah and try to help u get into paradise, which is what every muslim should be aiming for. honestly, this is nothing but lust that u have for the man on FB, because he gives u the attention that ur hubby doesnt give u, he makes u laugh, but sis do u really think he is the kind of guy that will wipe ur tears in sorrow, think about his rudeness. He is a sinner, do u expect a sinner to be a great husband ?? if u take khula, look for a righteous person, u have kids, u dont want to take risks by settling with a playboy. change ur nmbr if u need to, just dont keep in contact him at all from now on
get urself closer to Allaah from this point of time, it is only Allaah that can make our affairs straight and guide us, and Allaah loves us the most, this life is a test, so keep strong faith in Allaah. be a good muslimah, think about the hereafter, have a look around on the islamqa site, u will find some good info in sha Allaah regarding khula and other matters too.
Salam,
I do where my hijab right but hes just very jealousy. I used to wear abaya but then took it off. Leaving in America its hard to wear abaya. Its like all that hate Islam want to fight me because I'm Muslim when I'm in public. So I took it off . I wear long shirts with pants. I don't know its hard dealing with this
Sister,
Why are you hesitant to speak to your family about how horrible your husband treats you? Why should you care if they think bad of him...he is abusive verbally in addition to being physical as well. Do your children witness his abuse? Surely you do not want your children to think that his behavior is acceptable?! Your silence on the matter helps no one especially you.You are right...his behavior is sick. It is one thing to be jealous, it is another to be jealous to the point of abuse. Involve your family and don't look back. If you expect things to change without them knowing what is going on...think again.
As a human and a woman at that, it is only natural for you to want what is normal between a husband and wife. Your husband deprives you of the love and affection you need but going onto Facebook or any other site for that matter is not the answer. You did the right thing by stopping all contact with this man...he can offer you nothing. Focus on you and your children. Reach out to your family for help. Either your husband and you get some sort of counseling and work on your marriage (the abuse must stop...verbal and otherwise), or you will need to consider what is the best interest of you and your children.
Salam
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,
You can never tell if this other man, will be better than your husband, since you have not lived with him together befor. The same as you did not know when you met your husband that he will act the way he does today. Who knows if this man just need you for something and then he will leave you after getting what he wants, which will be worse than what your husband does to you. Did he even talk about marriage??? Even if he did said he will marry you, how could he say that to a married muslim woman with 2 children? Is that a lawful way? Though, I wont say this man himself is another Shaytaan trying to destroy your marriage, but If he is a good Muslim brother, I won't expect that he is doing he is doing. I will expect that he will advise you on how to get rid of Shaytaan in your marriage.
As to your husband, you should do the followings:
1-Ask forgiveness from Allah (s.w.t)
2-Pray and cry to Almighty Allah, and ask him to guide your husband.
3-have husband be advised by your local Imams or Shiekhs who knows him.
And even if it turn out to be that you both need a divorce as the best option, then it should be in a approved way in Islam, and you should not do that by running away with that other man and leaving your children and husband.
Salam all,
I'm sorry if you guys all misunderstood me. I WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LEAVE MY CHILDREN. I do like this other man and dang these temptations are very strong. But never will I leave my beautiful girls for a man. I'm doing good with my temptations El Hamdullah. Thank you
Assalamu Alaikum Sister,
I have been exactly where you are, except that I was not a practising muslimah and I didn't have kids with my ex husband (Alhamdulillah). I used to be extremely quiet and shy and my ex was extemely controlling and abusive. Although he was physically abusive at times, it was the verbal and emotional abuse that stuck with me and traumatized me for years to come. I've been divorced for almost 10 years now, I am not sure that I have ever really gotten over the abuse and the effects it had on me.
I was pretty young when I got married (18) and it was a love marriage.....or at least I thought it was. Anyway, I won't get into the details but after many years of hearing the worst things about myself and my family, of being taken advantage of, of physical abuse, and not being able to stand up for myself or my family due to fear of being hit, of feeling not good enough and feeling unwanted (he was cheating on me with my stepsister for over a year), I did eventually end up in a similar situation like yours, except that I did fall. I regret all my mistakes and sins and I hope that Allah (swt) will forgive me IA.
Here is what I have learnt and what I suggest you do:
1. I do not fully blame my ex. I don't believe I was a good wife, because I was not really ready to get married. Also, as I said I was not a practising muslimah, so I didn't really know how a wife should be. (ps my parents got divorced when I was 9 and they both remarried - very long story, but I don't feel that I had good examples of a marriage while growing up). So, make sure that you are being a good wife - by Islamic standards.
2. I never told anyone about my abuse until I was separated, due to fear of anyone hating him. This was not a good idea - all the bad things I was thinking was slowly building up inside me in the form of hate for him. I couldn't understand how he could say that he loved me, but then treat me so horribly. But, bit by bit my love for him turned into hate - which eventually got to the point where I felt the hate could not be undone. This is important because if I was at least getting this stuff out, it probably would not have affected me as much. I was trying to protect him, but he wasn't trying to protect me. I highly suggest to talk to someone about this - your family or someone else.
3. You must seek professional help. I will stress on this point, because I did not deal with my abuse and it has had a very negative impact on my life. Without realizing it (until this year), I because abusive myself - I became the person that I hated. I treated other people (relationships - as I said I was not really practising, until this year) the way I was treated. The abuse coupled with low self esteem/low self worth has made me a walking disaster. And all the while I never knew that I was being abusive, I felt justified in my absurd behaviour, I thought that I actually dealt with my abuse/marriage, but I didn't. It literally festered inside me for years and years - do not let this happen to you, seek help. Abuse is not something that you just "get over", it takes time and work.
4. The other man - this is tricky. I don't think that you love this person. I definitely do not think that running away with him will help your life in any way. I believe that you like the attention, you like that he is interested in you, when your husband is not. If you go with this guy, I can almost guarantee (I obviously don't know for sure) that it will not work. This is a test for you, a very big test, but you have to try really hard to fight for yourself, for your jannah. I can honestly say that when I did fall, I was at a point where I did not care who the other guy was, it could have been anyone - I know this is probably too much information, but it is to make a point. My point is that I did not end up with the other person. I wanted to satisfy an emotional need that was not being met by my husband. I felt unwanted and broken, a very terrible feeling I must say, and I do know how you must be feeling. But you are at a point where you can learn from my mistakes. It was a temp fix, but it could have had an eternal horrific price to pay, if Allah did not allow me the opportunity to repent. I am not going to say if this other guy loves you or not, as I don't know. I do however find it strange that he would want you to leave your marriage and kids. Someone who really loves you will want you to get jannah, they would not want you to do anything wrong. My sincere advice is that you do need to stop talking to him, cut communication with him, even if what you both feel is real. You are married, therefore if you truly feel like you cannot make it work with your husband, then ask for a divorce, but please make sure you have the right intention. Do not do it for this other man, do it for yourself. You are worth being happy and you do not need anyone else to make you happy. You need to find happiness within yourself.
5. Your husband. Since I have now been on both sides of abuse (being abused and being abusive), I can truly say that no person is only good or only bad. Most likely your husband has experienced some form of abuse, and perhaps like me, he does not know that he is like that. It is difficult, I know, but you need to decide if saving your marriage is worth it, you need to decide if you can be happy with husband. By this I do not mean that you need to accept abuse, absolutely not. You must stand up for yourself, be firm. Tell him that his treatment is unacceptable and what it is doing to you - write him a letter if you can't say the words. Leaving him is probably the only way that he will think that you are serious. Give him and yourself some time to figure things out. I believe that people can change, but only if they genuinely want to change. Perhaps you can get counselling together - try it. You may also need to change yourself, stop thinking about the other guy, i know this is not easy to do, but try, try to think and empathize with your husband. Imagine what his life was like, his childhood, ask him, talk about it. Try to change your focus from the other guy to your husband, see the good things in him. You will not be able to be a loving wife, if you have your attention elsewhere.
Your husband is doing a bad thing to you, but he may not be a bad person. If you truly believe that he will not change and you cannot live in that marriage anymore, then leave, but if you think there is any possibility then you should try to make it work.
If you take anything from my comment, let it be this - if you leave your marriage or not, whatever you decide to do, make sure it will be pleasing to Allah (swt). If you do this you will never fail.
I hope that Allah (swt) keeps you safe and on the straight path, ameen.
Salaams,
Sid
dear sister,
u mentioned dat ur husband always have a fear of losing u to another man.... is dat wat xactly happened. u say u thnk abt dat other man all da time and etc.... how can u do this?? u feel dat ur husband is doing sumthng wrong to u.....i feel da same way but to be honest what u did behind his back is somethng much much worse. i know it didnt feel like dat wen u did it bt thnk for a moment, what if u go and tel him everythng that is going on for 2 years. get my point now.
if u were unhappy, y didnt u leave him in the first place??? u said u thnk abt teling dat other man to send u a plane ticket.....soo u had da guts to go so far with this other guy but not enough courage to leave ur husband while u were in the clear. if u had done the right thng thn u could explain ur kids in da future why u left ur dad but now wat wil u tell thm. Maybe no1 will evr find out bt sister u knw da truth.
in my opinion, u had ur chance to get out and live a better life bt its not dre anymre. U hav done a great sin so it is ur duty to completely cut of ur relation with dat guy and dont melt if that guy calls u again. every other guy seems sweet wen u want them to be.... im sure da other guy is flattering bt wat knda guy does this with a married woman> shame on him > he is a disgrace and u should hate him.
after geting rid of this guys COMPLETELY.....try ur best to get make ur husband attracted to u> if u thnk abt it im sure its wont be that difficult..... delete da hatred u have for ur husband for a day and try this out>
even if its difficult try ur best to stay with ur family..... and even thn if u cant be happy thnk u deserve it cause frankly u do but u dnt hav to feel guilty abt it forevr> give this relation PLENTY OF TIME (maybe years) without having ANY CONTACT WITH GUYS. if thn also u feel its not working thn u can thnk if halal alternatives>
SALAM
temptation is natural and because of your bad relationship with your husband
but remember, it is life not fantasy, temptation will drag you to the bigger hole you are already in