Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband is having affair- Need urgent help

LIpstick mark on shirt.

Assalam alaikum

I've been married for nearly 3 years and have a 9 month all daughter. Since having her my husband has been off with me as in not giving me any time, no more hugs, kisses, hand holding, and intimacy too. Spends a lot of his time in his phone and I just couldn't take it anymore and looked within. What I found has completely destroyed my world and everything I've ever known. This woman from his old work, a good friend of his because I worked there too, they both have been talking very intimately, about work, sharing their problems with one another, and sharing very dirty things with one another which suggests that they have been doing physical things behind my back as he constantly asks when they are going to meet cos he needs to take the stress out. The emoticons are dirty too like an image of an aubergine with an image of lips and then with a finger. You get the idea. What they have been talking about has completely broken me he says things like I can't leave you, youre my little secret and I'm never leaving you and at one point he even said I remember that massage you once gave me with oil. I took proof and recorded as much as I could. To make it worse there was another woman who he has been sexting and sharing dirty pictures. He says suggestive things again like you've always been content with my little one and I've always loved that about you. This man is not who I fell in love with and not whom I married and I am so betrayed. In all these instances they have been sharing dirty pics of one another and I felt so much jealousy cos after having baby, I gained a little weight, my belly and breasts have sagged and I suffered from postnatal depression. I've lost all that weight although I'm left with everything sagging. He calls these woman all kinds of names like sexy queen, beautiful, darling, princess and I was there thinking I've never been called these things and would have killed just to hear him say that to me.

I confronted him 2 days ago and he denied everything, was passive aggressive and deflected back at me. Basically I'm the psycho here and I'm slandering him for no reason. I called his work colleague In front of him and asked why this has happened but she denied it too and acting all innocent. My husband snatched my phone and smashed it against the wall. Later I got a message from her saying nothing happened and that they are just friends but not anymore cos she didn't like how she was accused and blocked us both from contacting her. My husband has said I have fallen from his gaze and shouldn't have spoken to her like that and that made me even more angry like you're seriously defending this woman? I have proof but not shown anything yet. Right now he is acting all distant, at home with me and just refusing to leave. I dong even know what he wants from me and why he won't leAve to be with that whore. I've also discovered that he has always been a player at work btw.

Please give me some solace and some advice, I don't know what I want now but my heart is in a million pieces. I can't tell my parents because they are ill and sacrificed a lot to make this marriage happen and I know that if I go to them it means a straight divorce. Whether I want this to work or not I don't know. Please help me, I need urgent help.

Summy

 


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14 Responses »

  1. salaams Summy

    I feel for you sister, although I can offer you no solace. Rather than marrying Adam it appears you got the Snake! Honestly I don't see how this marriage is worth saving. Hubby's sulking because he got Caught, but shows no Remorse, if I've 'heard' you right. Too bad your parents spent all that money on this 'player', but that's no reason to continue this marriage. Far as I can see more heart ache is all you'll likely get out of it. My advice would be to do Istikhara to see if the Omniscient is of the same opinion.

  2. Salam sister
    I can understand your situation but to get divorced or seperated is not the only solution.
    It depends on you how u r taking this situation. I have been pass through these situations. It's very common now a days. In my situation I have seen exchanging nude pictures and I also had post partum depression. At that time I was holding my new born in my hand and my husband didn't even looked at me no intimacy; nothing. But what would you get if you get separated the only question came to my mind. I had no choice and my husband was planning to go for a date; checking different shirts and told me he is going to his official meeting but I have checked his mails and phone that he didn't know. I straight away asked is he going to use any precautions or planning to have kids with her as well. His reaction was same as your husband's. I just said if you want to go u can go I m helpless, bound in a legal relation, I will fulfill my duties as a mother but just because of Allah not because of you.
    Actually these type of situations makes you feel worthless, very disgraced and this is because your ego hurts. To make your marriage life successful you need to put your ego on a side. I had no choice e so I said is there something wrong happened from my side if it is tell me or if u r bored of me or if u are not satisfied or I m not enough for you ?
    Why you are keeping yourself away from me ? Do you want me to change myself?
    What he wants !!!
    He told me because of pregnancy and after birth complications your all attention is towards kids you don't have any thing to talk to me. You don't give me time.
    So I changed my self not for him, for my kids.
    And that was really hard peruod.
    In Islam man is allowed to have 4 wives in a time. So he can have 3 more like you without your permission so where r u? It is bitter reality.
    Islam gives this permission to man because it's his instinct. He can't satisfy with one woman whether he go for another relationship or another wedding. I also suggest you to study about moutah nikkah in Islam.
    Woman have to learn about Islam and her role in Islam.
    Now I m staying with same person , it's been one year now I can say he is like my new husband. Love to spend time at home with me and kids.
    Don't check his phone or e mails it will definitely hurt you because it's his nature he can't go against his nature. A man wants a lover all the time , give him love, say no to him when he wants you, be open with him, discuss with him what he like( specially on bed) and what you want from him.
    It is not easy but my advise to talk to him. Ask him to talk to you for kids. Change yourself first and than him. It's really hard I remember when I started adorning myself before he's coming back from office for very first day he said are you going somewhere? And I said no it's for you and he said OK let's see how long this drama will go? But I didn't lose heart and now it's on track.....
    Sorry for long post
    But I wish u understand!!

    • Please stop making excuses for some men's haram behaviour.

      • I m not making excuses for men. My point is Who will suffer after separation??? Kids and woman; does separation make any affect on man?? Definitely no! My advice is for sister not for Man. If she can tolerate the consequences go on and get separated. As I said it all depends how she is taking the situation. If she is brave enough to look after kids and her than move on...
        It's what I did when something happened to me and I m content with the grace of Allah

        • Her husband is a player and a liar.

          Why are we teaching women to tolerate such hideous behavior in the name of Islam?

          • What Islam says about what should you do being a good wife? Leave the person or fight with your husband, or try to show him right path with love . What???
            We are going to stand in front of Allah with our own deeds not with others. A person do things that he thinks good for him/ her. Being a wife and mum it's my duty what I did and let sister think and judge what's good for her. U gave ur advice I gave mine. That's it

          • No matter how much good of a wife she will be or how much love she loves him, a person like her husband is unlikely to change. Real life isn't like the movies, where love conquers everything.

            Islam doesn't teach people to tolerate haram behavior.

      • So true, this is just making excuses for their Haram behaviors

  3. Yes
    Real lives are not movies I do believe so .... And my advice is not from movies from real life. Real life is very bitter , having kids and bring up them is not easy. What should we do if we found some one ( your kid, sibling or spouse) showing harm behaviour. Leave them alone!!!! And move away from them ??? Or change them.
    Be realistic and don't take it personal

  4. Walaykum Asalam

    Sister, if I were you, I'd seek a khula. You have valid grounds for it. This is demonstrated by your husband's lack of physical/emotional intamcy with you, flirting/being a player and physical violence (smashing your phone).

    This is not a proper husband-wife relationship. Love and respect is not present. Do you want your daughter to be raised witnessing this miserable marriage. What effect will this have on her in the long term?

    You mentioned if you go to your parents it'll be a straight divorce. What's wrong with divorce in your situation? What is so great in your marriage that is worth saving? You are quite lucky to have parents who don't mind their daughter being a divorcee, and would rather her be an honourable single mother than put up with a miserable marriage.

    Pray and make continuous dua to Allah (swt) to grant you a way out and replace you with a better husband, Aameen.

  5. you cant allow men to cheat on you only because islam has given them the right to marry more than one. and yes Islam didnt give the right to cheat on your spouse please get a life

    • Cheating is definitely not allow in Islam and neither love marriages nor extra marital relationship. I didn't say extra marital relationship is allowed in Islam or cheating on wives is allowed in Islam. Girl and boy friendship is also not allowed in Islam.

      And I m not miserable! Every second wife in this social media world is facing these problems. Husbands are having friendship on facebook with other girls. Putting password s on their phone, always keep them locked, chatting on whatsapp and a lot. All of these activities are not allowed in Islam.
      What should wives do? Leave them? I just said 4 marriages are allowed in Islam not extra marital relationship. If it's not than say something!
      It depends on the person who is facing the problem how they handle the situation. At my time I got lots of advices from scholars and mosques and every one advised me to try to make your home don't try to get separated.
      This forum is to give your opinions on the situation. I passed through the same phase so I share my experience. It depends on sister who wants to seek help what she will do, will be totally her own decisions.
      I don't allow anyone to say about me miserable. And my story is not a movie or serial.
      As I said you give your awn advice. e my advice was to talk to your husband and try to make it up again. That's it !
      If you read msg I said my husband has been changed now . No other relationships at all. U am happy and content with my life. Don't feel miserable about me

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