I am confused about this proposal that my parents have chosen for me and don’t know what to do?
Asalaam o alay kum,
I am a muslim female. My parents arranged for me to marry. At that time, I thought ok let's go for it but after getting to know him I don't really like him. I told my family but they are bothered about the shame on the family and community and still want me to go ahead with it but say they will not force me. I am really depressed as I don't know what to do? I can't think; I can't sleep; I can't even tell anyone else. I did isthikhara but didn't get any result; as far as I am aware he got a positive result. Can anyone please help me why am I feeling like this?
manni
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Salaam sister Manni.
I am sorry to hear about your predicament and understand you must be feeling awkward due to the shame. Marriage is a big step though, its not something you want to take risks on. So if you do not like the guy, definietly do not marry him! Alhumdulilah they will not force you (forced marriage are not valid islamically). So even if they say it brings shame, please follow your instinct. It is from Allah swt, so do not ignore it.
Tell your parents that you love them but you cannot marry someone you don't like. You have no reason to feel guilty. You feeling this way is normal. Please read the above links on Istikhaarah. Scroll to top of page and find istikhaarah questions and answers and read through each link carefully. Sometimes dear sister with Istikhaarah we get a result but we just dont recognise it. It could come in the form of negative feelings or obstacles to marriage. So trust your instinct and don't be afraid to exercise your rights. If you find out your not compatible with someone you should not marry them.
May Allah swt grant you the best spouse
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Please dont do this to yourself- marriage is the most important relationship you will experience in your life and you will be married for the majority of your existence. So do it right and enjoy the benefits and happiness of companionship with a spouse who you have love and respect for and who feels the same way about you.
Remember if you make a right decision now you will not regret later and be happy for as long as you live- it is these kind of rational decisions that prevent things like divorce. Have you spoken to your parents about what you dont like about the guy?
You are entitled to feel happy and loved and want the right person for you - your parents may be upset initially but will get over it when you commit to the right person that hopefully they will approve of too.
Too many people especially of the south asian background enter into marriage because of their families and not because of what they want and are unhappy and feel trapped and suicidal later- read the stories on this website and you will get what I say.
Dont let anyone tell you that Allah has willed so - God helps those who help themselves. And Allah did forbid marriage under any kind of pressure or force, such marriages are not recognized islamically. Destiny is free will and you need to stand up for what you want and believe in and God will help you find the right answers.
Also dont do things for public opinion or society's approval as they will talk about you for one day and move on when the next item comes, such is life. Public memory is short-lived and people will talk irrespective of what you choose; it is however your life and the decision should be based on what is best for you. You will live a long time so make the right choices and enjoy the results.
i'm going through exactly the same problem except that my family says that there's no backing out now and they're still forcing me to go with it. it's been 10 months and i'm very unhappy.
is it ok to perform istikhara after you are engaged? since my parents have already taken the decision for me