Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel like I’ve lost everything and I don’t know what to do.

I don't know where to start, but I just need some advice. What to do if your parent's won't accept the guy that you want to marry because of different race, culture? But we're both muslims, shouldn't that be the most important thing? To be fair my mum did talk to him, but it still doesn't work. I'm tired of praying it will work out, I left everything in Allah's hands but ya Allah if he's not the one for me, why is it impossible to stop thinking of him?

I just declined a proposal from a well pious guy because I just can't be true to myself if I marry someone else. Ya Allah, I'm really sorry for all the sins I've made in that relationship, but I tried to make it a Halal one, but it doesn't happen. What can I do now? I promised my mum I won't take anti-depressant any more, and I'm too tired to cry any more. I felt so empty. I pray every day Alhamdulillah and I enjoy reading Quran translations, but why do I still feel empty? Why can't I let this guy go? He's moved on, he's more religious than when I first met him, and I'm happy for that, but what about me? Why am I so lost? Why am I so depressed? Why am I torturing myself with memories? Why can't I stop?

I'm not being ungrateful, I often thanked Allah for what happened, even though I suffered for two years, He opened my eyes to become close to Him, but ya Allah, how can I remove this disease of my heart? What went wrong? I know it's written that Allah will not give burden to his slaves more than he could bear, but please Allah, help me. For how long do I have to suffer like this? I'm a a good girl, but I made a mistake, that costs me 2 years and still counting.

Why won't my mum give in? After seeing me depressed for 2 years? Doesn't she love me? Doesn't she care? She knows I'm still upset about this, but she doesn't do anything. I can't chat talk with her any more without feeling like crying. I'm living and studying in a foreign country, and I'm not a people-person, so you can imagine the loneliness I'm feeling. I'm a good student but my studies are not blessed because I don't treat my mum well, so I don't get high results. Don't get me wrong I'm not arguing with my mum, it's just I can't feel close any more with her. I'm sorry mother, but it hurts. Will I go to Hell for this? For not treating her the best I can? And just when I'm trying my Hardest to be a good muslim.

I don't know what to do. I'm lonely, I don't have good friends, I don't have any body except Allah. I just.. I just want to be happy, I want to be happy again, like I was before I made this Stupid Huge Mistake. Now I can't even smile any more. What's the use? My heart is broken, and it's not healed yet. I'm really sorry Allah, I feel hopeless, I know He is trying to make me sabr, but it's been 2 years and I'm still like this. I just feel depressed, and lost, and unloved, and nobody cares. Because of this guy, my siblings all hates me. I broke the bond between us. We're not that close any more. Just because of a guy. I feel so sinful. How can I go to Jannah if I don't treat my mum well? How can I treat her well and pretend it's ok, when it Hurts a Lot?

~mira91


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10 Responses »

  1. i need help plz i am very lost i need someone to talk to at this point i have no hope .

    • nasima, please register and submit a post describing your situation in detail. We will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah. You could also try searching our archives, as we have probably answered many questions similar to yours.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. dear ,
    you got heart broken by love ....this is success. yes it is ...its ur loss but ur sucess.

    now u hv to start loving the almighty ...doesnt matter how ..just lv him ...make ur mind u lov him

    in technical term we say it ...if u have to make a big drill in very thin substance ...u have to start with smaller drill, then bigger and at final the biggest one so that you get desired results..

    if u r unable to understand code do reply back.

  3. [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  4. dear mira,

    asalamalaikum

    try conciously to replace thr thoughts of your lovewith thoughts of Allah. it will help to fucus on something else , something which actually works and make you at peace. for instance when all the 'why' questions come to your mind then say darood shareef or kalima or try to memorise a new surah it will help you concentrate more. i tried all of this , when i was in a situation like yours, it really work.

    may Allah help you heal.

    love
    my sister

  5. Mira.. i know how you are feeling.. i know how much it hurts.. but one has to move on.. it takes time but i agree with Muhammad, when we start to have thoughts all over again its just shaitaan trying to stop us from moving on.. do everything you can to always remember Allah, constant zikr and inshallah Allah will guide you and make everything clear and brighter. May Allah ease your pain and give you smething better in life. Keep positive sister

  6. Salamu'alaikum,

    Sister Mira, Allah is the Most Gracious and the Most Merciful. To Him belong the dominions of the World and all the seven heavens, the Lord of al Jannah al Firdaus. I pray that He loves us, because we love Him. Though we commit sins. But Allah is full of Mercy. Even if a person commits all the sins of the World, Allah forgives him/her on Tawbah. All Praises are for Him, Who Created us all to Him we all will return. We commit a sea of sins, but He has forgiveness which is much more that all of those sins. We are sinners but He is The Most Merciful.

    What do you feel after reeading the above? Some kind of Peace in you? It works like magic.

    Your relationship with that guy was wrong in the first place. Secondly, when he has moved on, the you don't give a chance to Shaitaan for putting you in grief. Even if a person dies, Islam does not allow morning for more than 3 days. So there's no point in thinking, because that in itself somethind disallowed because it keeps you away from Allah in a way that seems legal though it is illegal. This is what Shaitaan intends. To keep the believers away from True Remembrance of Allah, until it is time to die, so that more people join him in the Fire.

    And sister, before you say 'will I go to the Fire, think about that situation' May Allah Protect us all from it. aameen. Never say that, always keep a positive hope in Allah that He will forgive whatever sin you have committed. Just seek His forgiveness, always.

    Yes you made a huge mistake by disrespecting your mother. Even if it was a Kaafir or a Mushrik, you would have to be kind to her. The status of the mother is so high in Islam. After mentioning 'do not commit Shirk' Allah Subhaanah mentions 'and to be kind (Ihsaana) to the Parents'. Placing the parents right next to His Right of Worship. Just imagine their status. There are numerous aayaat in the Qur'aan that speak about their status. A hadith has it that the Messenger Sallallahu alaihi wasallam was asked who deserves the most respect (words maybe different) and he replied it is one's mother. On being asked who next, he said mother, on being asked who next he said the mother, who next, he said the father. So, the mother is the very next person you should love and respect, afrer Allah and His Messenger Sallallahu alaihi wasallam, then the father.
    She denied your relation to that guy due to his race or culture, but know that when you rejected a pious guy later, you made a mistake. Your aim should be to marry a guy who will help you improve your chances of going to the Paradise. May Allah admit us to al Firdaus.
    Your siblings do not like you, just because you disrespected your mother. Once things are fine, insha Allah they'll be fine too. 2 year, and you can not get him out? He has gone, that is shaitaan who is still there. Do you want him to stay in your heart? Just throw him away.
    Go to your mother and apologize to her. When it is time to get married, then do du'as and perform Salatul Istikhaarah, and insha Allah, you will have the best possible man, who will love you more than you can imagine and will keep you happly and pleased, until you meet Allah, and will insha Allah also be with you in the Jannah.
    This is my du'a for you my sister.
    So now, the first thing you should do is 'go and apologize to your mother' be kind to her, share some jokes to feel connected and to make her feel so. Just do whatever you can, to convince her.
    You say you are not a people person or you are an introvert. But that can not stop you from having good friends. If you go to a masjid, speak to righteous girls who come there and make friends with them. Spend time with them and do not feel disconnected. It is said that 'Empty mind is devil's workshop' so, keep yourself and your mind busy in remembrance of Allah Subhaanah. If possible, get a copy of the book of du'as called 'Hisn al Muslim - Fortress of the Muslim' which is also available online on http://www.islamhouse.com (just type the name in search box)

    I hope my words were of a little help
    May Allah unite you with your family and find you the best match of the World.
    Aameen
    Wassalamu'alaikum Warahmatullah
    Muhammad Waseem

    • Asalaam alaikum Brother Muhammad,

      Though this strays from the subject, I disagree that Islam forbids mourning the death of a person past three days. The Holy Prophet (saw) often talked of his first wife after her passing in respect and sorrow and of his uncle, naming the year of their deaths as "Aam al Huzn" i.e. 'The Year of Grief'.

      We read in Saheeh al Bukharee Hadeeth: 5.166 this narration from the mother of the believers:

      "I did not feel jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet as much as I did of Khadija though I did not see her, but the Prophet used to mention her very often, and whenever he slaughtered a sheep, he would cut its parts and send them to the women friends of Khadija . When I sometimes said to him, "(You treat Khadija in such a way) as if there is no woman on earth except Khadija," he would say, "Khadija was such-and-such, and from her I had children".

      The 4th Caliph spoke of Fatima (sa) and Fatima (sa) previously had mourned the Prophet's passing beyond three days. The 2nd Caliph remembered his son, Zaid bin Khattab yearly, as well.

      In al Bidaya wa al Nihaya, Volume 6 page 370:
      كان عمر يقول ما هبت الصبا إلا ذكرتني زيد بن الخطاب، رضي الله عنه
      Umar said: 'whenever I venture out at sunrise I remember the death of my brother Zaid bin Khattab.

      Furthermore, the Prophet's great-grandson, Ali ibn Hussain (as) mourned his family till his death. All sects believe that Zainul Abideen (as) is one of the most respected Muslims to ever walk the Earth and never strayed in his duties, and was like his father Hussain ibn Ali (as), uncle Hasan ibn Ali (as), grandfather Ali (as), grandmother Fatima (sa), great-grandmother Khadija (sa) and great-grandfather, the Holy Prophet (saw).

      And of course, it was in none other than the Qur'an, that Allah Almighty (swt) revealed that Prophet Yaqub (as) lamented for his son, Yusuf (as) for a period of 40 years till he went blind.

      As long as the mourning is of a righteous nature and not mourning for the haraam, then it is acceptable.

      • Wa 'alaikum as Salaam wa Rahmatullah

        ProfessorX, thanks for the comment. I try hard to abstain from making such statements until I be sure about them. But if I sometimes do, I request you and all the readers to notify me immediately.

        As for the statement I made regarding mourning for 3 days, maybe the context in the post above was different. But still, it would be haraam because the relationship itself isn't halaal. So, no question for mourning arises.

        But as far as mourning for the dead is concerned, I am satisfied that the limit is 3 days and not more, except for a woman whose husband dies (where the limit is 4 months and 10 days)I heard and read the fataawaa of 'Ulama about this,they say this, based on the following:

        Umm ‘Atiyah reported that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should mourn for a dead person for more than three days, except for a husband, (in which case the period of mourning is) four months and ten days. She should not wear any coloured clothes, only simple dress. She should not apply kohl to her eyes, or use perfume, except for a little qust or izfaar (types of perfume), when she cleans herself after finishing her period.” (Reported by Muslim, 2739).

        Umm Habeebah bint Abi Sufyaan reported that when the news of her father’s death reached her, she called for some perfume and wiped it on her forearms, and said: “I do not need it, but I heard the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: ‘It is not permitted for a woman who believes in Allaah and the Last Day to mourn for any dead person for more than three days, except for a husband, (in which case the period of mourning is) four months and ten days. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4926).

        Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):“And those of you who die and leave wives behind them, they (the wives) shall wait (as regards their marriage) for four months and ten days, then when they have fulfilled their term, there is no sin on you if they (the wives) dispose of themselves in a just and honourable manner (i.e., they can marry). And Allaah is Well-Acquainted with what you do.” [al-Baqarah 2:234]

        “And those of you who die and leave behind wives should bequeath for their wives a year’s maintenance and residence without turning them out, but if they (wives) leave, there is no sin on you for that which they do of themselves, provided it is honourable (e.g., lawful marriage). And Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.”[al-Baqarah 2:240]

        Zaynab bint Ka’b ibn ‘Ujrah reported that al-Furay’ah bint Maalik ibn Sinaan, the sister of Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri, told her that she came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and asked him whether she should go back to her people among Banu Khudrah. Her husband had gone out in pursuit of some rebellious slaves of his, and when he caught up with them at the edge of al-Qadoom, they killed him. She said: “I asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whether I should go back to my family, because my husband had not left me a place to live that belonged to him, or any money for provisions. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said yes, so I started to leave, and I had reached the hujurah (room) or the mosque, when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) called me or told someone to call me. So I came back, and he asked me, ‘What did you say?’ I repeated the story I had told him about my husband. He said: ‘Stay in your house for the specified length of time.’ So I spent my ‘iddah there, four months and ten days. At the time of ‘Uthmaan, he sent word to me asking about this, so I told him, and he followed what I said and judged in accordance with it.” Muhammad ibn Bashshaar told us that Yahyaa ibn Sa’eed informed us that Sa’d ibn Ishaaq ibn Ka’b ibn ‘Ujrah informed us of something similar. Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said: This is a saheeh hasan hadeeth. The majority of scholars among the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and others followed this hadeeth and did not allow a widow to move out of her husband’s home until her ‘iddah was over. (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1125).

        Regarding the year of grief, Allah's Messenger Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam did not mourn for either Khadeejah Radiyallahu 'Anha or Abu Talib, his uncle, but there was grief in him. And we know that it is different from mourning. And I do not think the hadith you mentioned from Al Bukhaari has anything to do with mourning. Remembering the dead near ones isn't something not allowed. What is meant by mourning is clear from the aayaat and the ahadeeth I mentioned above.

        We also see this in the hadith where Abdullah ibn 'Abbaas Radiyallahu 'Anhuma gave his turban to a friend of his father when he saw him, after al Abbaas Radiyallahu 'anhu was dead.
        When Abdullah Ibn Umar (radhi allahu anhu) set out to Makkah, he kept a donkey with him to ride when he would get tired from riding of the camel, and had a turban which he tied around his head. One day, as he was riding the donkey, a bedouin happened to pass by him. He (Abdullah Ibn Umar) said: "Aren't you so and so?" The bedouin said: "Yes." He (Abdullah Ibn Umar) gave him the donkey and his turban and said: "Ride this donkey, and tie this turban around your head." Some of his companions said: "May Allah forgive you, you gave to this bedouin the donkey which you enjoyed to ride for change, and the turban which you tied around your head." Abdullah Ibn Umar (radhi allahu anhu) said: "I heard the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) saying, "The finest act of goodness is the kind treatment of a person to the loved ones of his father after his death," and the father of this person was a friend of Umar (radhi allahu anhu)." [Saheeh Muslim]

        So, I believe you have misunderstood this slightly.Regarding Umar bin Khattaab Radiyallahu 'amhu remembering the death of his brother Zaid bin Khattaab Radiyallahu 'Anhu, this does not amount to mourning mentioned by Rasoolallah Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam.
        Regarding Ya'qoob Alaihis Salaam mourning for Yusuf Alaihis Salaam, then grief is a part of life. He did not do the physical mourning as mentioned by Rasoolullah Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam. But even if he did, then know that the Sharee'ah of Ya'qoob Alaihis Salaam was different from ours (the Sharee'ah of Muhammad bin 'Abdullah Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam). For example, Sajadah al Ihtiraam (Sajadah out of gratitude) was allowed for them as we know from the story of Yusuf Alaihis Salaam in Surah Yusuf, Aayah 100:

        And he raised his parents to the throne and they fell down before him prostrate. And he said: "O my father! This is the interpretation of my dream aforetime! My Lord has made it come true! He was indeed good to me, when He took me out of the prison, and brought you (all here) out of the bedouin-life, after Shaitan (Satan) had sown enmity between me and my brothers. Certainly, my Lord is the Most Courteous and Kind unto whom He will. Truly He! Only He is the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.

        And brother, I wouldn't comment on the remaining, as they seem to be from Shiite sources. It is they who use (as) or عليه السلام‎ for selected Sahaabah Radiyallahu Anhum among the ahlal bayt, including Ali bin Abi Taalib, al Hasan bin 'Ali, Husayn bin 'Ali (Radiyallahu Anhum) and also their decendants. While we use it for the Anbiyaa' 'Alaihimus Salaam, and the Sahaabah, whether from the ahlul bayt, the other Muhaajireen or al Ansaar, whenever we take their names, we say Radiyallahu 'Anhum (رضي الله عنهم‎)

        ‎In conclusion, grief is natural, and if a part of our daily life. Mourning is the next level, in which the actions that the Messenger Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam mentioned in the Hadith.

        I pray that Allah Subhaanah gives us the most correct understanding, and forgive us for our mistakes.
        May Allah be Pleased with us, until we meet Him.
        Aameen

        (Anything good it totally from Allah and any mistake is totally from me and from the Shaitaan. may Allah forgive me for them. Aameen)

        Wassalamu'alaikum Warahmatullah
        Muhammad Waseem

    • Assalam o Alaikum
      Jazakumullah Khair brother
      What u suggested to sister Mira is correct and may Allah forgive us all and may He strengthen us not to go astray and be mutaqi
      Ameen

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