Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am Shite and he is Sunni; is the right one for me?

shia sunni unity

As for those who divide their religion and break up Into sects, thou hast no part in them in the least: Their affair is with Allah: He will in the end Tell them the truth Of all that they did. [Al-Qur'an 6:159]

ok so this is my first ever post, im new here but i need the help...

i have a BF who loves me and i love him too, he is a really nice person. He never likes it wen i talk to others (boys) he keeps on telling me how boys r n they shudnt be trusted and they r not nice.. etc etc...  sometimes he gets realy realy mad due to that even wen i didnt do anything on purpose... and sometimes he gets so mad and calls me a fake etc... wen im actually not... he is really posesive... and all....

even wen i talk abut getting married hes always like, not now, first let me be someone... stand on my own feet... get a job then i'll talk to ur parents... right now we r young.. (im 18 n he's 21)...but the prob is that im shia n he's a sunni... my parents arn't very strict abut that but is he the right one for me? I know he's not a fake but i need advice??? plxx


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7 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, your post has several issues in it which are concerning. Possessive behaviour and getting angry easily are worrying signs and not necessarily traits you would want in a husband, and if he is saying he does not want marriage and wants to "be someone" that isn't hugely reassuring regarding his intentions.

    We are warned to stay away from zina and to avoid unIslamic interactions, so as Muslimahs we should be avoiding having boyfriends. If people find it difficult to keep their resolve in this, they should try to consider the greater reward for guarding chastity and striving to live in accordance with our faith. Ask Allah for guidance and forgiveness, and avoid un-Islamic relationships.

    Based on your description, the impression I have of this young man is not of a man who is ready for marriage, and I would urge caution - it can be a source of great distress when two people want different things from a relationship, especially when that relationship is not halal.

    The issue of Shia-Sunni marriages is a hotly debated topic with strong opinions on both sides. I do not have a great deal of experience in this matter, so am unable to advise on the details of this, except to say that when you are considering a potential marriage partner, their character and deen should be your primary considerations. InshaAllah someone more knowledgeable on the topic of Shia-Sunni marriages will be able to give you more detailed advice.

    There are several past questions on the matter of Shia-Sunni marriages, with a number of very detailed answers including Quranic guidance and hadiths. You might find it helpful to read these to further your understanding of the debate.

    Midnightmoon editor

  2. Sister,

    With the utmost respect to you, you should not have a boyfriend in the first place. There is no place in Islam for boyfriends...ever. The fact that he is possessive of you is a huge red flag. Not a good characteristic to have in a husband at all.


    • actually the fact that he is possesive is not a red flag at al.. cause he is concerned for me that i dont get in to the wrong place were im a target...
      and the bf part i already know.. but every one these days has a bf or gf and u cannot stop it.. and our relationship is pure.. it has a future , we do want to get married.. he has even told his parents and family n cuznz...

  3. Assalam'alaykum,

    As sis 'midnightmoon' pointed out, there are atleast 2 issues you are facing. But first, know that, pre-marital relationship/bf-gf is forbidden in Islam.

    The first issue is regarding your 'bf' "possessive" behavior, this is not the first post I've seen where many users are against a person with a possessive/protective behavior/character, I believe, there is nothing wrong if a person posses a possessive/protective behavior infact I would seriously encourage it and I would never say it " a red flag ", if a person is not protective or possesive about his wife or his womenfolk, that is surely a red flag, infact a dark red flag. A muslim must always be jealous and protective of his wife and womenfolk. I was born and brought up in middle-east and so I too have a possessive/protective character, its an inbuilt feeling that Allah has given to most men and women. I think its perfectly normal but this type of character maybe alien in some other countries like in the west where the evil is so widespread and a norm, and so its just cultural differences and not a defect in character which many westeners or others may think. You said that when you talk to boys, your 'bf' becomes angry, personally, I don't see anything wrong there, ofcourse other than the fact that having bf-gf is wrong. Lets leave your 'bf' aside now and talk about 'possessive/protective character', certainly, I wouldn't want my wife to be talking to stranger men unnecessarily, I wouldn't like intermingling basically, I wouldn't want her to posses unIslamic traits/character/behavior, etc I am very possessive and protective person indeed 😀 is that wrong ?. Let me ask, If after marriage your husband starts talking to stranger women, would you love that ?. Basically, In Islam we have a concept called ' gheerah ' ( protectiveness/jealousy or protective jealousy) and 'haya' (modesty, shyness, bashfullness, shame, self-respect, honour, humility etc) unfortunately now, evil has become so widespread that both muslim men and women lost their sense of haya and gheerah. Weak in faith(iman) results in loss of haya, our prophet said: "Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). and Haya is a part of faith."(Bukhari). Narrated Abdullah ibn Umar (ra): The Prophet(saws) passed by a man who was admonishing his brother regarding Haya and was saying, "You are very shy, and I am afraid that might harm you." On that, Allah's Apostle said, "Leave him, for Haya is (a part) of Faith." (Bukhari). Sadly, haya and gheerah has dissappeared from this ummah, that, if a person is possessive/protective, people will dislike them and if they are "liberal/moderate muslims", they are accepted. Our prophet said: "There are three at whom Allaah will not look at on the day of Resurrection: (1) the one who disobeys his parents, (2) the woman who imitates men, and (3) the duyooth (a man who has no protective jealousy towards his womenfolk). " ( An-Nasaa'i, Ahmad ), a man becomes a duyooth when he loses his sense of gheerah, if lost, he might not care about his womenfolk not observing hijab and the proper Islamic dress, he wouldn't mind his womenfolk having idle talk with non-mahram men, he wouldn't mind them touching non-mahrem men. He might allow them to commit acts which lose the females modesty etc. Basically Allah said: "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other,.." (Quran 4:34). Therefore, its totally upto you if you can stand/accept a person with these character. Its good if you can. But never consider it a bad character.

    The other issue is regarding sunni and shia, this needs serious thinking. Conflicting beliefs, aqeedah, ibadah etc will surely cause problems in marriage especially when one or both of you becomes religious. Now, I invite you to look deeply into sunni Islam and hope that you will see the true light of Islam insha'Allah.

    Furthermore, if your 'bf' isn't willing to marry you now, then sever all ties with him immediately, do not wait for him to stand on his own because by then who knows what great evil could befall you and him. Focus on your deen now. You are 18 and you have plenty of time insha'Allah to decide carefully on whom to marry. Pray salat al istikhara so that Allah may guide you insha'Allah. Repent for the sins you've committed and never ever have a 'bf' again, like ever.

    • ok well thanku
      i knw abut the bf gf issue ..
      he is actually willing to mary but wen he is stable.. and wen both of us have finished studying..

  4. salam

    i am speaking from experience. stay away from him. break up before it's too late. you are not in love, you will get over it inshallah over time. believe me, no matter how hard you try, things will keep getting worse. one day you will regret your mistake. trust me.

    • they r not getting worse... u might hav experience in another case.. but mine is difrnt... this is no mistake.. i want to mary him and he wants to mary me aswell... even more...

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