What does my Istikhara mean with regards to my marriage?
Asalamlaykum Brothers and Sisters,
I’d like to thank you all for taking out the time to read about my dilemma, I truly appreciate it. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post.
I got married 10 months ago, and my husband is a student pursuing doctoral education. I come from a South Asian family, so at the moment I am “only” nikkaed but not living with my husband. He cannot afford to keep me with him, so our families agreed that he’d finish his education and then we'd have a main reception and begin living together.
The problem is that my husband is struggling with finding a job in his field. His parents are not financial stable- living pretty much hand to mouth and therefore he cannot rely on them financially in any way. Since we have gotten married, he began prioritizing to find a full time job in his field. Over the course of time he has realized that his graduate education will not finish on time, as he had anticipated prior to our nikkah. It will therefore be unfair to keep me in my parents’ home during that time (approximately for another 3 years) while he finishes his education. Since he is in a very specialized field, he needs a full time commitment to the school and cannot work during the day. We spoke about our situation, and he suggested that perhaps after we begin living together he’d come back and finish his doctoral studies, so he should prioritize finding a full time job so that we can begin our lives together.
He has been applying for jobs for 8 months now, and has been called in for several interviews. The problem is it doesn’t go beyond this point. My husband is an introverted and mellow person, and speaks hesitantly (which my family and I have previously pointed out to him). I have brought this up to him and suggested that perhaps he can polish his interview skills. While he says he will, he doesn’t quite get to it. He also says that he does not want to lie during the interview process when being asked if he is knowledgeable about “x,y,z”. So he doesn’t lie and answers truthfully, whereas someone else may boast and pretend they know it all just so they can get hired. I appreciate his honesty, but things are beginning to get difficult for us, and I am starting to lose hope.
My marriage has faced all sorts of other problems including trouble from in laws which has led me to become very stressed. I have begun losing hair as well (I now get cortisol injections every few weeks). I find myself binge eating out of depression, because I feel I have no control in my life or destiny. I somewhat feel angered towards Allah swt (auzubillah) as I’ve been facing a lot of difficulties in life since being married. He is currently working at a factory over night, at a call center during the day, and was working as a security guard on the weekends (until he fell asleep at work and got fired). He has been working approximately 89 hours/week. Despite all this, I still feel some resentment towards him because our financial situation isn’t getting better. I am not an unthankful person, but I believe I am losing my patience in this marriage.
Now all of this is background information (so that you can really understand my situation). My question for you all is, I know istikhara is NOT about dream interpretation but I feel that the istikhara I did before I married my husband holds major significance with regards to the dream I saw. I cannot seem to understand what it meant, but now as my marital life is unfolding it keeps flashing in my mind and I can’t help but correlate it to our life. I remember it quite vividly, and I truly feel it was a representation of our marriage. I am hoping if any of you can provide me your two cents on it. It comes in my mind everyday and I just want someone’s input, please.
My istikhara dream: I saw myself entering a bus to go on a journey. The bus looked like those kind of buses that take people from Madinah to Makkah for Hajj. I was sitting near the window in the bus and all of a sudden an old, stinky lady dressed in all black came and sat beside me. I felt very uncomfortable and thought to myself why is she sitting beside me, I can’t even get up and leave. I then turned around and look at other people (sitting in pairs), all talking happily and smiling whereas I’m sitting quietly with this lady. I feel this sinking feeling in my heart. Then the journey ends and I get off of the bus (I don’t see the stinky lady at this point of the dream). I walk a little bit and see another lady (she is clean) holding a nicely decorated box of sweets. She opens it, and I look in and see different assortments of sweets. I see two dates (a big one and a small one), so I ask her, "can I eat one of those dates (pointing to the big one)?" She replies by saying, "although this isn’t meant for you, you can have it though". I eat it, and it turns out to be very sweet. I then ask if I can eat another one (which is the small date), and it too turns out to be very sweet. My dream ends and I wake up during Fajar time.
I am very confused about this dream, and my gut tells me it was a sign pointing towards my marital life. I sometimes wonder if the journey ending means- the end of my marriage with my husband and another marriage to someone else (referring to the big date as a male and the small date as a female in a nicely decorated box), or maybe something entirely different. I’ve done istikhara in the past and have seen very vivid dreams that turned out to be very strong indicators to go in one direction or another, so I feel confident that this dream too was a sign from Allah swt.
Any of your advice will be greatly appreciated.
JazakAllahu Kharyn.
-SaraM
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As-salamu alaykum,
It sounds like your husband is a hard worker, which is a very good quality to have. Working close to 90 hours per week and giving up his studies for now shows that he is capable of making major sacrifices in life. Reading your post, I wondered if you might be able to ease some of the burden he is carrying by getting a job of your own, at least temporarily. That way, he wouldn't have to work such long hours. Being proactive in this manner and considering your partnership a team may ease some of the negativity you are feeling and also take your mind off the dreams you described. Your dream is interesting, but I think it is unwise to ascribe special meaning to it. I should also point out that money is a funny thing. Sometimes you may save a good amount of cash only to find that the car needs major repairs or that you have a health emergency. When you are faced with the ups and downs of life, it is best to go with the flow and not feel resentful. As human beings, we do the best we can, but it is not always possible to control the outcome. Make living with your husband a priority, and other things will fall into place, insha'Allah. So long as there is some form of income coming in, you guys should be able to work out your living arrangements and other expenses.
Assalam alaikum,
I can't speak to your dream and you should speak to a scholar about it. I will say that in no way should you interpret it to mean the end of your marriage.
As brutal or harsh as this may sound, I think at the point you are losing patience over your husband not having a job (10 months isn't long at all), is the time you need to renew your patience. Sister, you husband sounds like a gem because he is honest, a hard-worker and isn't giving up. Don't give up on him.
What would more money mean? I think you should make do--I don't think you should get a job though--let him work this and support him by being the best wife you can at home with him. Maybe the both of you can put off having children, and instead invest your time in building your relationship by starting to make each other feel imporant and loved. Money will come inn shaa Allah.
May Allah ease your difficulties in your marriage and may your husband find the job that is best for him and your future family together, Ameen.
I was thinking along the same lines as Amel.
Why don't you get a job? It will make the financial situation much easier.
I will just say just two lines sister
ان اللہ مو الصآبرین
ان اللہ یحب الصابرین
Salam alaykum i posted a link to an islamic website that interprets istikhara dreams and its meanings but some moderator deleted it for some reason which there was nothing haram or misguiding about the website it had to do with the subject but whatever 🙁
Assalaamualaikam
I can't see the post in question. Sometimes posts with links in them get filtered by our anti-spam software, or it may be that there was a concern about the website it linked to - I don't know.
If you feel it would be helpful for the original poster, feel free to re-post it, maybe with an explanation of why the particular link is relevant to the poster's questions?
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Probably,the website is legit called MyIslamicDreams.com it shows what happens if you eat sweet dates ripe dates etc. also about old woman you just have to type it on the search bar on the website. Its for istikhara dreams as well. Rivers colors certain people etc.
I absolutely agree with Amel . Financial struggles are a part of life and here you are blessed with man who is hard working and trying his best. Try to encourage him more and stay by him and be his strength. There are a number of duas for financial problems .recite
Hasbunallahu wa nimal wakeel
“Allah is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of Affairs.”
And recite Istaghfar abundantly.
Every struggle is a test from Allah swt and we have to bear it with patience. Try to see the good things in life. You have a husband who ia willing to work 2 or 3 jobs and he is honest and caring which is worth far more than money. InshaAllah your situation will improve so do not despair of Allah swt mercy.
Ayub A.S had plenty of livestock, cattle, crops, children, houses, and he was tested in these things, losing everything he had. Then he was tested with regard to his body at which time he recited the following dua.
أَنِّي مَسَّنِي الضُّرُّ وَأَنْتَ أَرْحَمُ الرَّاحِمِينَ
Recite the supplication of Yunus AS when he was in the belly of the fish.
La illaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minazzalimeen.
Do not let shaitaan overcome you with bad thoughts and depression. Problems might be big but our Allah swt is bigger. Trust Him and be happy.
Asalamalaykum Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for your responses. I greatly appreciate them!
The update on my situation is that my husband has quit all his jobs and is now working full time as a security guard while seeking a job in his field. He has also dropped out of graduate school. I am working part-time right now (as I attend school full-time during the school year) and practicing patience with regards to our financial situation. Rizk comes from Allah swt and therefore I am not going to throw away my marriage over this.
The more pressing issue currently is regarding my in-laws behaviour towards me. As I had briefly mentioned in my post, my in-laws (specifically my mother-in-law) have never accepted me. There are two reasons for this: (1) My husband and I want to live separately and have our own home and (2) my MIL is an extremely jealous woman who cannot accept another woman in his son’s life. She cringes at the affection he gives me (everyone noticed her rude behaviour on our Nikkah and the unhappiness on her face throughout the whole occasion). Time and time again she does something to hurt me, either its taunting me, ignoring me, or just making me feel like I pretty much don’t exist. She’s extremely passive-aggressive and does all this while still maintaining her pious image in front of her son.
I have pointed this out to my husband with evidence of how she has been treating me. Although he acknowledges and accepts that she is wrong, that’s only as far as it goes. He’s a conflict avoidant person and although he says to me “I promise next time she does something wrong I will bring it up”, when next time comes, he does nothing. He only ever says anything to them when I bring it up, we argue and I cry.
Allah swt is my witness, I am only in this marriage for my husband, else wise I have not a single reason to remain married to this man. But now I am beginning to see that my husband can’t even stand up for me. He says whenever we talk and I leave with the intention to speak to her, when I return home and she calls my name and her eyes and face lighten up, I find myself not being able to say anything and my anger dissipates. We have also attended counselling and nothing has changed.
I understand that this woman is his mother but I am also his wife. If he can’t hurt her, how can he see me hurt? He tells me to ignore her but for how long? I am being psychologically tortured and since he’s an only child at one point they will have to come and live with me. What will I do then when he’ll be at work all day and I’ll be at home with her? She doesn’t even talk to me properly! The few times my husband has talked to her about her behaviour, she either denies it or says she’ll try harder next time but nothing changes.
My family has already spoken to his parents about their behaviour but his father says he sees nothing wrong with his or his wife’s actions. In fact he says I am wrong, my family is wrong and possibly their son is wrong. One thing is for certain, they aren’t going to change their behaviour or how they feel towards me. I’m finding that if my husband cannot protect me from his mother’s emotional abuse I’m going to lose my sanity and my parents are now adamant and telling me to file for Khula. They see no hope, not from his parents and nor from him. They say what point is there to remain married to such a man who can’t even speak up to his mother when she is wrong? And how long will you live like this, as their door mat?
Please I need help, I don’t know what to do! My gut tells me we are headed on the path of divorce and it’s going to be happening very soon (in the next two months).
Assalam alaikum Sister,
Please do not even think about uttering the words of divorce, given the situation you are in.
Your husband recognizes the problem, Alhumdulillah.
Please invest all of your time and energy in your husband ignore the behaviour of your in-laws. Stop giving their inappropriate behaviour importance.
Talk to your husband about plans together and living separately in a non-nagging way. Tell you that you would like to spend time with him alone, pamper him and really enjoy company with him. You can get what you want, but through positive reinforcement. It will take courage, patience and time--most good things require these things.
For whatever reason, your husband is powerless in front of his mother, but at least he recognizes that her behaviour is wrong. You and him will get no where by trying to prove them wrong. Focus on your husband's good qualities.
Both of you should focus on each other, enjoy each other's company, make one another happy, make plans with each other, read the Quran together, pray together, and revolve your lives around the remembrance of Allah swt. I pray that you and your husband find endless joy in your marriage, Ameen.
Walaykumusalam Sister,
Thank you for your reply.
I have been trying my best to ignore her and her husband’s rude behaviour towards myself. My FIL has said he hates me, that I am a curse in their son’s life, that I took their son away from them, etc. Most of these things have been said in my parents presence not considering how much hurt they must have put them through.
My MIL is one of the most cunning women I have ever seen. She gets her husband to do all the talking for her so that she remains innocent in her son’s eyes while she gets her point across. She also displays passive-aggressive anger towards me such as ignoring me when I talk or ignoring her son (pretending she hasn’t heard him) if he requests something for me.
She’ll make up articulate lies about why she doesn’t call me, why she didn’t get me an Eid gift, etc... I don’t expect anything from her but I hate how she lies so innocently, I can’t do that and I don’t know how to tackle her cleverness.
I understand the best thing to do is ignore her but it’s easier said than done. I could care less if this woman wants to see me dead but what breaks my heart is my husband’s silence. How can he not care enough for me to speak up to his mother? How can he be so weak to someone who hates me so much? What value do I truly hold for this man then and why am I here taking his family's crap?
With a lot of fights and arguments we got married so now that I’m here I expect to be protected by him. When I continuously raise these issues, he ends up shouting at me and I just weep till my heart hurts. I feel so lonely at times and just want to commit suicide because I can’t leave my husband but he’s making it hard for me to live.
Maybe then my MIL will realize her cruelty towards me...
Assalam alaikum Sister,
I am very sorry that you are going through this and I understand 100%.
Reflect on your daily routine. While you live with your in-laws, come up with a rigid routine for yourself to maximize your time doing things that are productive. In your thoughts, fill them with what you want to do, remembering Allah and with memories of good times with your husband.
What is the situation on living separately? Is this something that your husband is considering?
Whatever you are doing right now is something you should not repeat because those patterns of behaviour are not only expected by your in-laws, but they are also failing you--if they have made up their mind about you, then the only choice you have left is to have confidence in yourself and not measure your self-worth by their parameters. Be strong.
Do not speak of suicide--Yes, sometimes life is very difficult and I have been there, but you have to understand the psychology of shaitaan. he has you just where he wants you. Do not entertain depressive thoughts and instead fill them with thoughts about Allah swt, make lots of dhikr, stay busy.
I think that for you, it is particularly more difficult, because you can't let your guard down with your husband because of living with your in-laws. This means being choosy in everything you do and say. It isn't the best situation to be in; however, you can manage it by the things I have suggested and ultimately, I pray that you and your husband live separately. May Allah make it easier for you, rid you of your worries and put much love and joy in your relationship with your husband, Ameen.
A lot of the problem now in days is family"s involvement. Your family say take khullah is you listen to them tomorrow they will throw it back in ur face. His family is causing u problens. I am guessing this was love marriage. Regardless ur mil and fil will one day die. Sorry to be blunt but its true, don't let them ruin ur marriage. My mom tricked me into marrying my husband his langugae was abusive even before marriage I told my mom no she cried gave me her emotional blackmil so I married him. We always fight he hit me I went back to moms home who literally called me a burden and said she will take care of my daughter and for me to get out. My bro and sisters also became abusive I couldn't eat and lost 10 pouds in. 2 weekys. I had no job and money cuz husband had full control of money and made me quit my job. I went to suicide by jumping in a lake but saw a scarey green light that freaked me out causing me to run. I then went got on my knees and apologised to husband his sisters and his dad for me causing the situation that made their lovely son hit me. After that I hate my husband and my mother. I am doiing sabar and being patient my husbands dad lives with me but he always causes fights before he goes to visit the other brothers and sisters. The entire time he is away my husband tortures me. He does love me but he has a bad temper. I am tied cuz of my kids and I was afraid that I was becoming a kafir then my health got bad and am waiting for results to c if I have cancer or not. Now my husband is upset and is being a bit nicer. I started praying and feel more at peace. I just keep telling myself to have sabar because after every hardship their is relief and 2 things can happen for me either my father in law whose on paper 86 but prob is older will die and I won't have drama nemore or I will die and be with Allah. Either way I see relief close by. If I can bear all this sister then you can surely have sabar. Atleast ur husband is a nice man. If u divorce u may not get someone like him. Other problems will sort themselves out.