Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Money problems preventing marriage?

Assalamu alaikum,

woman tired independant single

I am a 29 yr old woman in NY and am looking to the future and settling down. My personal situation is somewhat complicated however - I look after an elderly relative and am also in charge of managing my parents' household - income etc is all my responsibility at the moment. I am their only daughter and so the responsibility falls on me. We do not have much but alhumdulillah we are happy. Because of my circumstances however it has been difficult to find someone who would be understanding and accepting of  my position and responsibilities - for example i could not move far from my family.

I am starting to raise this topic with my family. They have always talked about their hope for finding someone for me and getting me settled down so I thought they would be happy that I am making some progress and looking proactively! However they now raise concerns - mainly, because of our personal situation and its complexities - and feel this may get in the way. Mostly - the thought of financial concerns is a big worry for them - we struggle a lot at present though inshallah I work hard to improve our position very soon.

They worry that if I meet someone who is interested in marriage we may not have the material means to do very much, or give me very much to start my home with, or that these problems may become an obstacle in the immediate future, and that they or their family may want to rush into it when we are not ready. However  - I have faith in Allah swt - he provides for us all, and if I met the right person, it would be someone who has a modest and simple approach to life as I do, and is happy to accept me and share my responsibilities for my family.

My question is - is it irresponsible of me to look for a partner when I am currently in this position? should I wait and not look for a partner until my financial problems are completely settled? If I meet someone in the meantime, is it selfish of me to want to look towards getting married, even if the person is willing to help share my responsibility?

I feel very sad and alone in this matter, as I dearly want to start my own family and build my home - I know I am getting older and do not want to wait too long - but I also do not want to let down my family or shirk my duties towards them.

Mia


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14 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, sister Mia,

    Sister, trust Allah(swt) with your Heart, put your mind on a side and be proactive in the search of a spouse, this way you will be giving steps to get what you want, insha´Allah.

    You have a beautiful, useful reading in IslamicSunrays, I would like to share it with you,

    http://islamicsunrays.com/7-point-plan-for-achieving-your-dreams/

    Be your best sister and let Allah(swt) show you the way to fulfill your dreams and ease your struggles, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. My story is different. My father past away when I was a very young teenager. Now, I am in my mid 20's, alhamdulillah have a career, and don't need to support my family that much at all. What gets me upset is that people look down on me and my family because there's no father in the family. People have pity for me, and send my mom proposals that don't even suit me at all. What the [email protected]## ??

  3. Dear sister,

    Mashallah you sound like such a loving and caring person, inshallah you will be rewarded greatly for all you are doing for your parents.

    its totally a natural desire for most women to want a husband and children of their own, your feelings are normal and this yearning will probably increase as you get older if you dont marry

    it is totally right for you to try to find someone, in most muslim societies parents look for someone for their child, but it seems your parents may not be able to, there is nothing wrong for you to look in an Islamic way

    You dont need to be rich to marry, Islamically usually the man provides for his wife, I know in some cultures women give dowry but this is not islamic, you should be able to have a simple nikkah in the mosque without your family paying much money. who knows, maybe you will get a rich man who is happy to support your family, or maybe you will get a simple man who doesnt have much but will share whatever he has with you. i know of cases where the husband and wife lived with the wifes parents. Also since you are in a big city you can try to find someone locally, or there are a lot of people who would be willing to move to NY

    Definitely start looking, unfortunately after you get into your 30s its harder to find a match as most men that age are already married and some men that arent try to find a younger bride. So start looking now, dont wait, perhaps when you find someone the combination of your income and his income will relieve your financial worries. Reassure your parents that you will not abandon them and will make sure your match takes their needs into account. Tell them they will not lose their daughter, they will gain a son and inshallah grandchildren that will be a light in their lives. Also consider someone from overseas or maybe who needs a green card but is still a good person.

    I would also suggest you should pray istikhara before any decisions, also read Sura Waqiah every night, it is good for people worried about poverty, this is from hadith. Also try and speak to a social worker and see if their are any social services that can help financially, I dont know if you are already getting food stamps or if your parents qualify for social security, disability,etc.

    Dont worry, you are not letting down your family, I know you will proceed in a way benefical to everyone inshallah, and seeing you happy with kids of your own will only bring them joy

    • MashaAllah good response Z!

      I agree with this. There are many brothers out there that complain that sisters these days are looking for rich husbands who want the 'good life' and this makes it harder for them to marry. You Alhumdulilah are extra precious if you appreciate the others qualities such as deen and character, rather than wealth.

      So start looking and always ask Allah swt for what you know is best. InshaAllah you will find a brother that realises that the things in this life do not last - they perish and someone who values non-material things.
      Of course continue looking after your parents. You have a duty to them, but dont feel guilty about looking as you have a duty to Allah swt too and you need to live your life.

      I pray Allah swt helps you and your parents and gives you the best spouse and pious children!
      Ameen

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor
      x

  4. Sister Mia,
    All I can say is that make duah to Allah. Only he can answer and give you what's best. Make sure the guys you meet have true intentions. Don't ever show signs to a guy that your weak because they can take advantage of you. As one sister here suggested, I'd be careful marrying someone back home or looking for a green card. I wonder why people suggest to do that, don't we deserve someone who has it together and is already established, then bringing a guy from back home and has start his life all over again.

  5. I didn't say she has to marry someone from overseas, she can marry anyone she likes, however i meant don't automatically rule them out either. In NY there are a lot of new immigrants who are good people but not well settled yet, maybe working but not making tons of money. And I know a lot of girls who got married "back home' and are quite happy, and these are educated beautiful people who had a lot of options. I also know people that married the people that "has it together and is already established" as you put it, rich doctors etc, and got divorced because though they were "established" their character wasn't good. If you look for someone who is rich, handsome, has a mansion, perfect character, and is perfect in every way you may not find it, especially in a nonmuslim country where there are soooo few practicing muslims to begin with. Piety is better than wealth.

    The original poster is obviously not looking for materialistic things, she seems to have a good heart so she should keep her options open. Of course its important to do the dua and Istikhara because only Allah knows whats best
    also someone who is very established may want her to relocate to him and his family, she wants someone to move to her, perhaps she wants someone who will live with her parents

    if a guy already has a house etc he is less likely to want to move into her parents home, but someone who is not totally settled yet may be happy to live with her parents, so it might work better for her. A guy who is well established but is living in another state and unable to relocate may not work out for her.
    Anyway, its not right to automatically deny a guy just because he isn't settled yet, who knows, the unsettled guy could become a millionaire in a few years, and the guy with a big house could lose all his wealth, its the religion and character and good deeds that remain.

    • As salam o alaikum,

      i want to ask a question to Z.. sorry!! i used it to pronounced you because i don't know what your actual name is ?

      In the name of ALLAH (swt) i will going to tell you my problem and i hope you will guide me to comes out from this situation.
      I am 29 yrs old guy, an Indian national, currently working in UAE. Alhamdulillah, my salary is satisfiable, but you know, Dubai is one of the world's most expensive city and if someone has only satisfiable salary so it's very hard to save some money, and i told you that my age is moving to 30. So how can it possible to marry someone without being fully settled ? or without no investment ? because of this situation sometimes i think if i postpone to being marry ever so it will be OK ? what if i will leave myself unmarried ? but sometimes i think how will or how long i control over to "NAFS". sometimes i got afraid to this.. Please help me in this matter..

      Allah Bless u and fulfill all of your dreams Inshallah.

      with Regards....
      Shanu

      • Shanu, my suggestion to you is to marry someone who understands your situation and is willing to have a very simple wedding and live frugally. If you want to get more advice then please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Same here..my partner and i really wanna get married but the problem is we dont have the money..and we live in a society that needs around 10 thousand atleast to get married..how can a fresh graduate like us with 1000 per month salary can have that huge amount? Moreover, he is the eldest son and need to support his family as his father died recently..how long we should wait? Even though we never touch each other i still felt bad when we going out for a date

          • It doesn't cost anything to get married. You have a simple ceremony with a few witnesses, the Imam asks you each if you agree to be married, the man pays the agreed mahr - which could be anything at all, even a silver ring - and that's it, you are married. Everything else is cultural and unnecessary. I have seen marriages in the masjid where there was no food, nothing, just a quick ceremony after salat and it was done.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. i don't really understand this comment
    "don't we deserve someone who has it together and is already established,"
    Im not sure if it is an Islamic way of thinking, because if everyone thought that way would Khadija have married our Prophet (s) who was not only unestablished but couldn't even read and write, would Moses' wife have married him, would Yakub's wives married him? yet these men were prophets and blessed

    anyway my advice was specific to the original post. in some cultures the woman is traditionally expected to move to the husband's home or with his family, this may not be acceptable to the original poster due to her family responsibilities,In some situations in these traditional societies young women with this type of responsibilty cant get married because they cant leave their parents and go to the husbands home, isn't that heartbreaking? but it doesn't have to be that way. it is easier to find someone willing to move into the woman's home if he is not yet permanently settled so I didn't think someone not well settled to be ruled out just for that reason. of course everyone makes their own decisions and Allah knows best

  7. Ws sister marriage is part of the religion of Allah and is one of the sona of the messenger peace be upon and you have to remember the provision is not upon us we are not the providers the almighty Provide even the messenger of God he says that if a poor man marries the almighty put upon himself compulsory that He will provide for him so u have too get married is good for u and one thing I learned about marriage is good deeds keep on going day and night making love to your husband or wife is like getting 120 good deeds and after that taking shower you get all your sins forgiven so why people don't want to get married?

  8. Hi sister, all I can say is that pray and don't lose faith, look for man that is modest like you. I know that a man is meant to provide every necessarities however if you wish to help him financially even a little bit he will appreciate

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