Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother asked our brother to leave as he doesn’t mend his ways; is it right as per Islam?

Ruding brother driving sister crazy

Assalam O Alaikum,

My brother is 19 yrs old. He is youngest in the family and was born late. For 10yrs, my father suffered from neural dystrophy, can not remember most of the things and thus don't interfere in household affairs. My brother took the advantage of this and stopped studying. He smokes, organize parties where wine is served (though he does not drink) and doesn't pray or fast.

There is nobody to stop him as we are only sisters and mother at home. From last 3 years we are trying to make him understand that he is spoiling his life but in vain. Recently my mother has given him ultimatum that he should leave house if he does not mend his ways. I want to ask what does Islam or Qoran say about this? What my mother doing is correct? No doubt Quran shows us the correct path.


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5 Responses »

  1. Wa alaikum mussalam sister,

    (Comment has been removed by Editor).

  2. Salaams,

    You have been given poor advice. On this website, we don't advocate beatings or any other type of violence as a solution to a problem. To have an uncle or even your mother beat your adult brother with the hope it will change his behavior is barbaric and naive. I believe that an uncle etc should be brought in to help support the family (financially or otherwise), but if your brother is actively sabotaging the family and robbing it from peace he should be put outside the home. I personally don't feel your mother or any of you are obligated to endure this, and by letting him stay there without consequences is only enabling him to continue with these haraam activities.

    Your mother had the right idea, kick him out until he can sincerely and consistently get his act together.

    -Amy Editor

  3. Dear Brother abdul Jabbar,

    my father used to beat us( me , and my brothers) and used to be very abusive when trying to to make us pray , fast, cover head, etc.he never used to do any of this himself. he used to bring out quran and hadith books to show to us that he is allowed to beat us our mother as well.

    so in all this beating , i personally didnt used to pray as i wanted to do it for Allah and not out of fear of my dad, also all this abuse had put me off religion. i honestly thought that being religious means being abusive as this was the example he had set for us. my bother has declared that he is gay( if you look at the causes of being gay top most is abuse at home) my sister is in an abusive relatuonship where she does not even recognise that she is being abused she thinks thats how its meant to be. iam old enogh now and still if a man talks to me with respect i can start crying as i think they are being generous in their attitude rather than thinking that i deserve to be respected. all these years of abuse has pushed us all away from religion, all because of my fathers strategy of using' beating' as a mode of teaching.

    brother setting up good example yourself is the only way of teaching others....this was the way of Prophet Mohammed ...... not beating.

    so next time when you advise someone about beating think about my story , how this one man who was supposed to be a model for us , has pushed us out of religion because of beating. he has let us be this psychologically mutilated creatures. scared for life. alhamdulilah allah has guided us back , but its not because of him it is through Allah's mercy only.

    just because your name is Jabbar does not meant you should be one or advise such. be careful brother!!!!

    you are abid to Jabbar..... only allah has the right to be Jabbar and still he chooses to be raheem and kareem.


    i think you all need a family meeting , just you and your mother and your brother. talk to him that how its affecting you all. put some restrictions slowly, like timings of party, no alcohal allowed etc then slowly introduce him to activitieds that will draw him away from being disruptive, if you or your mom themselves are not really providing a heathly alternative than iam afraid he will continue to be like this. iam trying the same with my brother, but he lives in another country and there is only little i can do except making phone calls to him. may allah make it easy for your whole family. tonight is another chance to pray lots n lots inshallah the all merciful will make a way out.

  4. Wow beat the kid? That is the worse advice you can give to anybody, beating somebody will make things worse and not better. I would talk to my brother set him down till him he has to fear Allah and respect his dad and be them man for the sake of your dad. Honestly kicking him out will not do any good your mom need too really talk to your brother and give him one more chance. I hope everything work out for your family.

  5. As Salamualaikum sister,

    Your brother has gone astray and a great role has been played by his family in this. Tarbiyyah is the responsibility of the parents together, and a great deal of roles are played by the concerned child's siblings, too.

    Your brother has not been exposed to good friendship, I believe. This is why he is doing what he is.

    The first thing you need to do is revise his friends. Get him rid of the bad friends, because a Hadith says that a person is upon the Religion of his or her friend.
    Have him interact with good people, who he can meet at the Masjid, or some neighbors, etc. Do not enforce this on him, as it will only lead him further astray. Indirectly have him visit Religious circles, or influence someone from your relatives to take him to a Masjid, where he can listen to some good words of the Duroos. He does not have to be asked directly. Infact, one could just take him outside for tea or coffee, then when its time for prayer, he says "come, lets offer prayers". Insha Allah, if he listens to some wise words, it could have an effect on him, insha Allah. Then doubts will arise in his mind, then he will question and clarify the doubt.

    Then he will start making good friends and realize his mistake.

    Every human being has 3 types of Nafs.
    One, it is Nafs al Ammarah, which only invites the concerned person to sin. Two, Nafs al Lawwamah, which rebukes the person for having sinned, and as a result, he or she does Tawbah. Three, Nafs al Mutmainnah, which is a Nafs in total tranquility and connected to Allah that one finds peace in Allah's Obedience, and tries hard to abstain from sins.

    Your brother has the first Nafs, which can be changed by using wise techniques such as playing the Duroos of renowned Ulama when he is present at home, or by what I suggested above, or by having a person of authority in your family (I mean among your other relatives or extended family) talk to him and influence him to learn the Deen.

    Your mother and you could even listen to the Duroos of Shaikh Murtaza Baksh of Jeddah in Urdu (if you know Urdu), on the subject of Tarbiyyah, here:

    I hope this is of little help, and with Allah is all the Strength

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

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