Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother is becoming so unreasonable – I don’t know what to do


Aoa! I am 25 Years old and married for last 1 and a half year and haven't conceived yet. my Husband is a very nice person and loves me so much. my mother in law and other in laws treat me very nicely. as if i am their own daughter and has never misbehaved with me or pressurized me for conception or anything what so ever. they seem to be taking this matter very patiently.

Now lets come to my mother. My mother is a very negative person. My mother and father have never gotten along. My mother hates my father and treats him like he is a servant in her house. my father is very polite and always gives me good advice and also treats my mother in best way possible.

It was 6 months back that my mother and father had a car accident and while my father was very little injured, my mother had major injuries and has to go through many surgeries to get back in shape. she still is in her recovering phase. I took intense care of my mother for 3 months and my husband played a very positive role here and kept my mother in our home so that we can look after her in the best way.

Things began to worsen between my father and mother, she was of the opinion that my father wanted to kill her and my mother's family played negative part here too by thinking the same and making my mother think more negatively.

My mother in law and father in law constantly visited my mother. My mother in law is a very good muslim and also made alot of dua for my mother's recovery, and did special prayers for my mother in aiteqaaf. she used to send my mother cooked food every now and then. and tried her best to serve my ill mother. my mother is now in a much better shape. my mother in law used to call her regularly and came to see my mother in Eid ul fitr too. called her once after that but didn't get time to call her again because she got too occupied with house renovation and daughter's wedding preparations.

It was a few days back when my mother called me on phone. we live in two different cities. she greeted nicely too but then she started talking negative about my husband. She was telling me not to fulfill every demand of my husband and not to compromise on anything. she told me not to remain quiet if my husband is too demanding and if he ever is, leave him. there are plenty of men like him in this world. i remained silent and only said okay, keeping the fact in my mind that she is my mother and that islam tells me that i shouldn't argue with her. Although i know my husband is such a sweet person and has won all my respect for him.

After saying so, my mother started complaining about my Mother in law, that she doesn't call my mother. she said that my mother in law doesn't deserve any respect from my mom and that my mom was a fool to give her so much respect. i still remained quiet and didn't utter a word.

But then my mother said that she came to know from somewhere that somebody asked my mother in law if her daughter in law (Me) was expecting a child and my MIL told her that she isn't expecting yet but her other daughter in law is. My mother said to me that if your MIL feels proud about that child, May the child never comes to the world. and this was it. I told my mother to stop and not to say things like that. My mother got offended and hung up on me and when i called her back she insulted me and said i was like those women who leave their homes to run away with a man (characterless).

Please guide me now as what should i do? what does Islam suggests about situations like these? Is it alright for a mother to do anything that she wants, just because she is a mother? P.S she never listens to anyone, she thinks that only she is right and can never tolerate any confrontation. we four siblings gets too fed up with her behavior. and my father is too fed up of her that they have stopped talking. Please enlighten me with the solution for this problem.


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3 Responses »

  1. Sister ,

    Ignore your mother .Don't argue but avoid her when is talking negative .She will stop if you don't respond or take interest in her negative talk .

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    It might be worth encouraging your mother to speak with a doctor, or speaking with her doctor yourself, as this recent deterioration in her behaviour might relate to the accident she had?

    Sometimes, a traumatic event such as the accident your mother experienced can cause a person to develop anxiety, fear, irritability, etc., as part of a post-traumatic stress disorder. If your mother is experiencing this, she may be more likely to lash out verbally, as part of the "fight or flight" response we all have. If this is the case, she might benefit from some specialist support and counselling.

    Another possibility could be that there might have been a neurological effect from the accident - a head injury, or a sudden impact causing the head to be shaken about? If a part of the brain becomes injured, that can lead to changes in personality or certain personality traits becoming more prominent. If you think this is the case, then she might be able to have some specialist assessments and support to recover.

    Whatever the cause, continue to behave in a respectful way towards her, as there is great reward in kindness to our parents. But, this doesn't mean you have to let her get away with unreasonable things - set some clear boundaries (eg. no backbiting, no discussions about your relationship with your husband) and make it clear to her that you will not discuss these things with her or sit and listen to her saying them.

    May Allah help you all through this difficult time, and may He bless your family with happy and healthy children, inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon editor

  3. Sister dont take it hard .You and your husband are good .It is possible a jinn is with your mother or some blk magic down on her.You forst need to protect yourself by reading or playing Manzil.selected duas that protect you.Play this or read it daily because i think this story is little bigger with your mom and somebody else.Although your father is nice.I think you should send a message and ask your father ?i mention this because of the experience i have. In most cases the jinns are trouble makers.And the hint i got is that shaitan will try to breakup the marriages so becareful !!!!Remeber the jinns are very smart and cunning. You need these duas and ayatul kursi for protection .You need to ask Allahs help at tahajjud. You need to talk to a local imam!

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