Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Not feeling it

amnesia sleepy tired no energy tired mum

Asalaam alaikum. Iv been married for over 4 years now and I don't feel happy with my married life although I never show it or react to it for the sake of our son. It's something I think about everyday and try to block from my mind thinking it's just shaytan putting thoughts into my head. My husband sleeps in another room because he thinks it's inappropriate to sleep together infront of our son and my son keeps waking up for milk or whatever reason and he says it makes him sleep deprived. Apart from that I feel like I'm never up to his standards as a wife. He's always complaining that the bathroom is dirty or the toilets r dirty or your car is dirty and that I'm lazy. I put a lot of effort into everything with looking after our child, cleaning and cooking and studying. It's really hard and really frustrating that he is never happy.

Sometimes I just think he doesn't care about our life and it's just about him and his work and sending money to his family. I don't know what to do. If he feels the need to be intimate due to his desires then he will do so but that's all. I'm not sure about other women but as a wife I'm craving for that love and nurturing and the sweet talk that happens between a husband and wife. I don't ever get that. Everything seems so serious. I just don't know about our relationship.

Is there any advice you can give me becomes sometimes I feel like packing my bags and other times I feel like im making a big deal about something small.

Also I wish to go to my mother house 2 times a week but he seems to have an issue with that. He thinks I should be there onli once a week. My mum has depression and anxiety so I'd like to visit her and she gets happy when she spends time with my daughter. If he ever does let me then he will say 'u should be back by 9'. I can't accept that. I'm going to my mums house not to a friends place. I'm very rebellious with this issue and I'll fight even if I don't end up going. He doesn't really care  about my family esp my mum just because we communicate more than he would like. But I'm just like ' get lost, it's my mum'. Can you please advise me.

Waheeda

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2 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Sister Waheeda,

    Thank you for writing in, and I sincerely hope this finds you doing better than when you did. You are not making a mountain out of a mole hill or "making a big deal about something small" as you write, as your issue is neither. The relationship between husband and wife is very important! And I am truly sorry that you are feeling unappreciated and alone.

    You write:

    "I don't feel happy with my married life although I never show it or react to it..."

    and

    "As a wife I'm craving for that love and nurturing and the sweet talk that happens between a husband and wife."

    Sister, I'd like to suggest that you take a bit of a different approach...one that may be difficult at first but will get easier as you do it. I feel from your post that you are longing for that loving relationship, but that you'd rather have him do these things naturally without your having to ask him to. Unfortunately, these things do not necessarily come naturally to everyone so communication is key. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Does he know that you like sweet talk and hugs and cuddles? It may seem kind of embarrassing at first, but you should really tell him that you want these things! If he again forgets, just remind him again! There is no shame in it sister.

    Inshallah you two will come through this trial with Allah's grace and will strengthen your relationship.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  2. Asalam Alekum sister

    Unfortunately I can not advice you anything as it is wrong of me to advice you something as the story is one sided.

    What I advice you is to make this Du'a whole heartedly.

    اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ

    Allaahumma ‘innee ‘a’oothu bika minal-hammi walhazani, wal’ajzi walkasali, walbukhli waljubni, wa dhala’id-dayni wa ghalabatir-rijaal

    ‘O Allaah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being over powered by men.’

    also sister make Du'a that your husbands heart be protected from the love of this Dunya.

    One last thing, As you have not mentioned -only your mother and not (parents house)
    It seems to me that your mother is lonely,

    Why not ask your husband to bring your mother over to your house every now and then.

    Just like a candle gets dimmer, this dunyas Time is getting shorter.
    When house chores needs to be done, it should be done in the same day, otherwise the smallest job will have a big impact especially for couples.
    Teach your children to help you

    I hope I've been of help to you

    Wa Salam Alekum

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