Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We love each other but he is not ready for a commitment

She married him, but is interested in someone else

True love comes from Allah Alone, rest all is from Shaitaan

I am 20, I was innocent and didnt have any physical contact with men all my life, I'v had many guy friends since i grew up in Australia but always knew where to draw the line. I have never even once crossed lines with anyone.

I'm not that much of a practicing Muslim, (im not proud of it, Im trying to change my ways) but have always followed certain morals and values in life.

I met a guy who is from overseas and a student, he is also a Muslim, somewhat knows more Islam than I do. we got talking over the phone, texting and stuff, he was very nice. Then later we met up, he invited me to his house, I liked him so I went, we were talking and stuff later we were holding hands and kissed on the cheek and stuff. we met a few time  after that, I really liked him and planned on being with him.

So it got physical like we didnt have sex, but just the act of intercourse was the only thing that didnt happen. He was fine even after, but when I said I wanted to be in a more proper relationship he started backing out because he has had bad breakup before and doesnt like commitment.

He went to his country for a holiday and came back and started distancing himself from me even more. like he wont talk to me, I cant get over what happened, he says there is no other woman in his life, but he is having some big troubles of his own as well. I said ill wait for him to sort things out but he wont give me the chance.

After being intimate with me and knowing how reluctant and shy and innocent I was, what he is doing is hurting me. This led me to do very stupid things. he is not a bad person at all, he is in a confused state, so thinks that he cant be with any woman, I know he is good. how should I approach this situation?

I will wait for him because his place cant be taken by anyone else, i cant even consider myself a virgin anymore..... even though we didnt have sex. I want him to understand that I can wait and that I do love him.

- zeen

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12 Responses »

  1. my dear sister

    this guy is taking advantage of you back away from him. do duba and get on with life when they relise they can't get what they want they stop talking to you. this is just getting to the point i wish i could write in detail but don't have the time right now

    take care

    Allah Hafiz

  2. He is clearly taking advantage of your weakness or your ignorance I would say. You said that he knows much more about Islam and he is good but his actions are evil and belongs to satan. His actions are all against Islam and he is disobeying Allah openly. We really cant tell if a person is a good muslim just by hanging out with them, infact thats how we find ' bad ' muslims most certainly. So basically, as a human you did mistake and thank Allah you hanven't commited fornication but the acts of it is still a grave sin and you need to sincerely repent and start praying daily.
    For your information, pre-marital relationships is totally forbidden in Islam. Dating etc are forbidden and so you must stay away from it by all means. If you are longing for opposite companion then asked your parents to get you married. Now you are 20 only, do not do foolish stuffs which you might regret later on in life. You almost did that and now you feel used etc. So I would advice you to forget this man, he is not sincere muslim. He has just had a breakup with another girl and who knows what all stuffs he did with that girl. Stop going around with non mahram as Allah's wrath will fall upon you. Be sincere muslimah and wait for the rightous one insha'Allah. Do not be needy in life and do not do everything to feed your temporary desires in this temporary world but instead use this time to make your hereafter better which is a permanant life. Paradise or hellfire, the choice is yours. Time is illusion and once gone cannot be regain. Don't waste time. Come to the straight path right away.

  3. Allah says in the Quran, chapter 17- " Do not even go near zina ( fornication and adultury ) for it is a very indecent thing and a very evil way ".

    Allah also tells in Quran, chapter 24- " the women and men guilty of zina, flog each of them with 100 stripes ... "

    Allah tells in chapter 23- " the true belivers are those who scrupolously guard their private parts "

    So therefore, Obey Allah do not cross the limits set by Him.

  4. Dear Zeen.
    SubhanAllah, Allah saved you from worse scenario dear sister. Please, turn to Him , ask forgiveness.
    Shaitan’s path is so clear here- one glance, one innocent talk... lets hold hands.., naïve kiss on the cheek etc …. Little did you know, in a blink of the eye you have committed sin not even realizing it.
    That is why in the Koran Allah does not simply say: “Don’t commit zina”- he says “ Don’t even come near to zina....”. Shaitan (Authibillah) was dragging you to the zina step –by step, this is how he works.

    From Islam Q&A:
    Zina (adultery, fornication) does not refer only to penetration, rather there is the zina of the hand, which is touching that which is forbidden, and the zina of the eyes, which is looking at that which is forbidden, even though zina that is committed with the private parts, is the zina which is punishable with the hard punishment.

    It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zina, which he will inevitably commit. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.”
    Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5889; Muslim, 2657. Source: (

    Let's assume a different scenario: you could have actually had intercourse with him, lost your virginity and got pregnant (please read many posts in this website about women who were left pregnant, abandoned by their boyfriends “nice Muslim” men). What would happen then?
    So, thank Allah for saving you from much worse outcome and turn to him in repentance. Please, cut all contacts with this guy once and forever.
    May Allah Most Merciful Oft-Forgiving keeps you and all of us in His straight Path. Amen.

  5. Sister, first thing which comes in mind after going through your matter is that he is deceiving you. He is not at all sincere with you. If he is, he should take care of your respect but he doesn't seems to do so. Please don't spoil yourself for fake relations. I know its hard to leave him but you have to.. If you want to avoid further destruction and devastation. Its not too late . May Allah guide us towards right path and true love of Him. Ameen

  6. Sister,

    You did commit zina. So first of all make tawba and ask for Allah's forgiveness. This guy is not worth it to you. He simply using you. He is good in Islam??? How?? By calling you at his house alone?? Or by kissing you?? He is not a good muislim at all. If he really good in Islam then he would have propose you to get married not by saying he do not want any commitment. Stay away from this person. If you still show your innocent to that person I am sure he will do something more dangerous thing in future.

    You have no right to say no one can take his place! Stop making your life like movies. Its only Allah knows and will decide who will be your spouse and be happy with it.

    Sorry if I sound rude sister but you really need to open your eyes. I also live in aus and I seen many who faces problem and create problems. (not all).

  7. On top of this website you can find an excellent article (wich consist of 3 parts), where the steps of zina (the sin of fornication and adultery) explained in a very detailed fashion.

    I thank Allah for guiding me to this website. I myself have learnt so much . May Allah reward all of our brothers and sisters who put so much time and efforts to this beneficial website.

  8. Asalamoalaikum sister,

    Thank you for writing in to us.

    I know that you are probably aware of this fact but I feel that you are not realizing the severity of your sins so I want to firstly inform you that being in a relationship before marriage is haram and a huge sin, for many reasons such as the situation you’re currently in (i.e., this man who went physically intimate with you no longer wants to be with you). Engaging in pre-marital relations is detrimental to your soul and your akhirat. You might experience short term pleasure, but you'll be enduring long term heart ache. You must sincerely repent and cut all ties with this man. I know this is probably difficult to do, but it’s not impossible. It should become easier to do knowing the fact that after everything you both went through, he still doesn’t see you as someone worthy of spending his life with. What does that tell you about your stance in his life? You’re probably not important to him.

    I’m not going to say that he’s not sincere or he’s a player because I don’t know him. But what I do sense is that he isn’t ready for commitment. He seems quite far from his deen and as a result he: (a) decided to call you over to his home and engage in physically intimate relations with you and (b) he doesn’t feel that he should spend the rest of his life with you, regardless of doing everything but intercourse. You need to realize that just because someone seems religious, doesn’t mean they are. I’m a big believer in the saying “Actions speak louder than words”. I can claim to be all sorts of things but if my actions are contradictory, my words become irrelevant.

    I want you to realize dear sister that you’re wasting your time with this man. He’s not ready to commit with you. If he was genuinely interested in you with the intention of marriage, he would never get physical with you. In fact, he’d probably get his family involved and reciprocate interest the correct way and try to make things official as quickly as he could in the fear of loosing you to another potential prospect.

    I suggest that you let this man go and focus on yourself and your deen. You say that you’re not that religious, so you need to ask yourself why? Why are you engaging in such sinful acts but aren’t worried about Allah swt’s anger, instead, you’re worried about if this man wants to be with you or not? Do you think any good can come out of something Allah swt has ordained as forbidden? Don’t fool yourself sister. If you really want something or that someone special in your life, you have to do things the right way because only by Allah swt’s will do we get anything.

    -Helping Sister

  9. Sister please don't get involved with him anymore him and let him go. It appears to me he is using you and don't care it is an excuse for him to keep using you to get what he want. Move and forget him

  10. My dearest sister Zeen,

    Do not make this whole situation more than it is or ever was. This guy is looking for one thing and one thing only. Stop being naive and open up your eyes to the real picture here. His behavior screams loud and clear that he is not looking for anything other than a one night stand. He invited you to his house because he thought he could get you in bed and when that didn't happen, he was no longer interested...end of story.
    You scared the heck out of him when you mentioned a "proper relationship" as that is not at all what he is looking for. Sister, this man is not in any confused state at is you that is confused here. You are seeing something that is not there nor real in any way. You choose to see something that never was.

    How you ask should you approach this situation? There is no situation to be had here. This man wants a booty call and nothing more. Value yourself here dear sister and respect the woman that you are. Keep yourself for the man who will be your husband God willing, not some guy who could care nothing of you who only wants you for his pleasure. Do yourself a favor and do not wait for him. He is not interested in you and if you read your own post several times over, you will clearly see that. You say you love him but you do not even know him or anything about him. What you know about him is nothing more than you met, went to his house and the two of you got physical. You do not know him as a person, or anything at all about him or his background.

    I truly believe that due to the fact that you are young and have never had any type of relationship whatsoever, that you are seeing things here that aren't real. Everyone wants to love and be loved, that is human nature. What this man is offering you is nothing more than a roll in the hay. Stop thinking of him and take a moment to think of yourself. You are worthy of so much more, you must know this. If you would like to marry, why not approach your mother and tell her? She holds your heart dear to her own and she will do everything in her power to find a suitable partner for you.

    Repent to Allah and seek forgiveness for your transgressions. Praise be to Allah that you did not end up in this mans bed. Take your situation and learn from it. There is a wonderful brother out there just for you. Give nothing to no one and save yourself for the man who will love and cherish you and father your children. I say what I say not to hurt you in any way but to open your mind to see things for what they are. May Allah guide you and keep you from harm...may he guide a wonderful and pious brother to your door...amin.


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