My spouse wants a seperation after 14 years
Assalamu Alaikum
We have been married for 14 yrs. My spouse is a convert. Recently he left for a trip and came back a changed person. We have four children and he says that there are no feeling of love, compassion or attraction left for me.
He is a very kind and gentle person but has changed into a moody, negative person who has given up on our relationship. I have prayed and prayed and asked Allah to forgive me for my sins. Does anyone know anything about nazar or black magic. Does this sound like it?
Thanks
-ruby
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Recite surah Baqarah, verse 102 everyday.
Salaam Sister,
This is sad. But why the sudden change? Is it due to something you did or have been doing?
xxx
Salamu'alaikum sister,
I am sorry for what you are facing. I'd like to mention that there are different possibilities:
1. He has seen something, heard something, or somebody has told him something that made him behave so.
2. He was frustrated with something that happened with him, and couldn't control his anger. Shaitaan made use of this and made him speak ill to you.
3. Someone who is jealous of your relationship looked at you with an evil eye (what you call Nazar)
4. Someone who is jealous of you did magic on your husband.
I mentioned magic last, because it is always considered last. And before you make any conclusion, beware, it need not necessarily be magic. As of now, consider that it is either of the first two. This is so that the Shaitaan does not lead you astray. You may not know and do wrong, if you do not do this.
Now, what has to be done?
First, speak to him politely and ask him the reason and look at his behavior. Does he give any valid reason or just ignores it and goes away/shouts and moves away? If he gives a reason, you'll have your answer, insha Allah. Otherwise, it could be an evil eye. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam said (in one of the Saheeh Ahadeeth) that the evil eye is true. It is possible. Hence, recite the following Du'a to him:
اعيذك بكلمات الله التامات من كل شيطانٍ و هآمة ومن كل عينٍ لآمَة
"‘U'eezuka bi Kalimaatillahit Taammaati min Kulli Shaitaanin wa Haammah. Wa min Kulli 'Aynin Laammah"
(I seek refuge for you with Allaah’s perfect words from every Shaytaan (devil) and poisonous creature and every evil eye)
(From Bukhari)
And ask min to read the same du'a, with a little change: instead of U'eezuka (اعيذك) he should say A'oozu (اعوذ).
And there are other ways in the Qur'aan and the Sunnah (I'll mention about this below insha Allah).
If it is none of this, then there is a "possibility" that it be "magic". But know that magic and black magic are different. If it is magic, then possibly it is something like that mentioned in Surah al Baqarah, Aayah 102:
They followed what the Shayatin (devils) gave out (falsely of the magic) in the lifetime of Sulaiman (Solomon). Sulaiman did not disbelieve, but the Shayatin (devils) disbelieved, teaching men magic and such things that came down at Babylon to the two angels, Harut and Marut, but neither of these two (angels) taught anyone (such things) till they had said, "We are only for trial, so disbelieve not (by learning this magic from us)." And from these (angels) people learn that by which they cause separation between man and his wife, but they could not thus harm anyone except by Allah's Leave. And they learn that which harms them and profits them not. And indeed they knew that the buyers of it (magic) would have no share in the Hereafter. And how bad indeed was that for which they sold their ownselves, if they but knew.
Keep reciting Surah al Baqarah, because according to Saheeh Ahadeeth, Shaitaan runs from a home where Surah al Baqarah is recited.
If you are not able to conclude on this, then make sure that you do not directly conclude it to be magic. Instead, have it confirmed from a Scholar from the Ahlus Sunnah wal Jamaa'ah, who specializes in this or has knowledge about this. As a first step, to gain knowledge about the matter and know better what the issue is, I suggest you to listen to this from here: http://www.ashabulhadith.com/Jadu_ki_Dunya/Judu_Ki_Dunyiah.html
This has the mention of magic, evil eye, and their solutions. I have notes from these lectures, but I do not feel the necessity to mention them here. Hence, it will be better if you listen. But they are in Urdu, and I hope you understand it. If you can't read Urdu, you can still follow the links and listen to them. There are 10 files in total (approx. an hour each)
I mentioned "magic" because Shaikh Murtaza Baksh mentions sudden change in behavior as a symptom of magic. But please beware of the Shaitaan, lest he should lead you astray.
May Allah increase love between you and your husband.
Aameen
Wassalamu'alaikum
Muhammad Waseem
Assalamu Alaykum, my Sister
As a man, I can say this: Men can often be egotistical, vain, and self-centered. Sometimes they hide it well, and it only comes out at certain points in their lives, due to a variety of things. He may be suffering "mid-life crisis." Or a crisis of self, lack of focus. Maybe on his trip something happened to trigger this. It could be any of a myriad of things.
I'm sure he is a fine man, but even fine men have weaknesses. It could have been thoughts of zina with someone he saw on his trip, or he could have fallen and had alcohol. He could have had a poor reaction to something you said in passing just before he left.
It appears this is your husband's issue. You may have already tried this, but have you asked him to share the root cause of his change in mood and feeling? Be gentle but insistent. Pray dua. Dua has great power. When I pray dua, Allah (swt), helps me see the things that I can do without His intervention. It is best to do everything you can do and then leave what you cannot do in His hands.
One thing about the struggles of life, is that we often give those closest to us the least understanding. If someone in the line at the store bumps into you rudely, you would likely let it pass. However, if you spouse was it a poor mood and did the same, you would not give them any slack. Work to talk to him about the little things that go wrong every day. The little conflicts, hurt feelings, and stresses. Don't do it in a pandering, way, rather in a heartfelt, kind, and supportive way. Little things like this may help your husband get comfortable enough to share what is really bothering him.
It likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his struggle. At times like these, he needs you to be strong. Don't be bothered by the little things. Go out of you way in little things to be nice. Try to have more interesting discussions about things outside of your day to day struggle. These things can help. He just may be depressed. There are so many possibilities, you just don't know if he will not tell you. Try to get him to open up in any way you can.
I hope thing helps. I will offer dua for you and your husband.
- American Muslim
Asalaam alaikum sister Ruby,
I would venture that there are more underlying issues that were going on before he left. Whether it has to do with your marriage and something that the two of you had been suffering through or something that he is going through, as the bother above pointed, which he took with him on his recent trip. He therefore used this trip away from you to either decide to leave you or once he came back, he believes he was happier on that trip because of your absence. The trip was merely the time to trigger his decision.
You need to take an objective assessment of what you marriage was at before he left and see, if there was something that you hadn't noticed before, but now realize in hindsight. After 14 years, people usually don't just get up and leave. There is usually something that is festering inside of them and wait till it gets to such to the point, much like an infection, where he hurts them drastically, changing their behavior.
Once you think about this, then you can approach him with the gentle kindness of searching for what has happened. Tell him that you still feel affection for him and want to understand what is happening. Be prepared that it may be something ordinary or something extraordinary. Therefore, pray for patience during this time.
Assalamu Alaikum,
Dear Ruby, I pray that you remain positive for yourself and children whatever the outcome. The responses from American Muslim and Muhammed Waseem are very insightful and intelligenty written, Masha Allah.
May Allah help you be at peace,
Take care Insha Allah