Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have suffered for 15 years in marriage to a man who hates all women

Angry man

Angry man.

Assalaamalaikum brothers and sisters.

I have been in a dilemna for several months now, but after praying istikhara i found this webpage and now seek guidance and advice from an islamic point of view, as i have already reached out to authorities who are telling me that i am in a emotional / psychological / financial abusive marriage.

I have physical deformities on my limbs, i have had over 30 surgeries in my 37 years of life, and I suffer from pain daily. My parents got me married within family based on my disabilities, thinking it was the right decision for me.

I have now been married for 15 years Alhamdulillah, but cried about 80% of that time. And now i am emotionally drained and physically and mentally unable to go on.

I have 5 children Alhamdulillah, my first 4 are daughters and then i was blessed with a son, all c sections. I have stayed with husband this long because i was told by my parents and felt myself that my husbands abuse came from not having a son. Now i have son, and he still hasnt changed. He verbally abuses me and the girls.

Nothing is ever done to his standard. He complains about the house being a mess even though he knows i am in pain constantly, and therefore takes his anger out in the girls, of how theyre dirty and messy and how a dog is cleaner than them.

He uses psychological abuse by saying things or making plans about something and then completely denying it literally 5 mins later to the point he becomes dangerously angry and uses really bad words or threatening gestures if i dont back down and say im wrong.

He is a rubbish father to the extent the girls WANT me to leave him, and the few times he has gone on holiday by himself the kids have a totally different attitude, and they are laughing and carefree. As soon as husband comes home its like he has sucked the energy and life out of everyone. 2 of the girls fractured their arms (on separate occasions) whilst i wasnt present and he didnt even take them to the hospital to get checked out because he wanted to sleep as he feels hes entitled to it even though he works 5 hours a day.

His family make so many problems and make him angry so he takes it out on us when he comes home. His family have been telling/begging him to leave me once he obtained his visa here.

He has no respect for ANY woman in his family, even his own mother, and even if the day is going past pleasantly and calmly he will deliberately start a conversation up to get a reaction from me or his mum. He has sworn at his mother, hit her, and told her to drop dead, and if i ask about it or try to tell him off he will point blank refuse saying or doing everything and starts arguing with me.

He will make up totally fictional stories, ie that i told him that my hospital appointment is on the 5th april, when ive already told him its on the 10th april, and then ARGUE about it, shouting that i told him wrong, even though it has been proven sometimes that hes wrong because one of the girls back me up or because i have made arrangements for the children already. He even made a story up of how i had told him that i used to have a bedroom to myself because nobody liked me, i mean seriously, why would i tell him a thing like that, especially as its not true. And i have said it several times why would i lie about a hospital appointment that i have to attend, its just ridiculous, or make any kind of story up just to annoy him when i know he angers easily and has a short temper.

Hes always dissing women, saying theyre more of s headache and nuisance and the world would be better without them. He came home one day after having an argument with his sisters and started shouting and scaring everyone that he would be better off without his sisters, his mother, his wife and even his daughters. And then was begging me to sleep with him that night.

He doesn't give me much money for the house, myself and our 5 children, and if i ask for extra (ie they all needed school uniforms and school supplies) he gave me a 100 and said that will do, and i actually spend 400 or he says he doesnt have any money to give and i should control my spending, and a week later he booked himself and his mum flights back home for 2 weeks AND a guys holiday 2 weeks after he comes back.

I have tried EVERYTHING in my power and to the best of my knowledge to be a good wife, i actually ruined my health and risked my life going through a 5th c section just to give him a son, even though doctors told me it was a risk to my health just to make him happy so we can live together peacefully and stay together for the sake of our children. Both of us grew up without a dad, his passed away when he was 9 and mine divorced mum when i was 17.

I dont like having any kind of conversation with him, intentionally i sit in a different room and i dont go out anywhere alone with him because of his nature to pick on little things and make stuff up or say something and deny it and make me doubt myself and i feel crazy, and it ends up in an arguement.

I suffer pain everyday, have to take tablets everyday before bedtime and then before i start my day. Me and the girls do EVERYTHING in the house whilst he works his 5 hours and watches tv and sleeps for the rest of the hours. He never reads namaz, even though hes at home for most of them if not all. He doesnt spend time with the children, always wants them to be seen but not heard, and makes them serve him hand and foot all day. The MOST he will do to help out is make dinner 2 times a week and if for any reason he has to get his dinner himself or make tea himself once in a blue moon he shouts and swears that he has to do EVERYTHING himself.

I have spoken to his family about my situation, i have brought my parents into it, i have prayed and prayed to Allah Tallah to make him a better father and husband, and now its been 15 years i have no energy to go on. I dont want divorce as i knew how much a woman suffers after my parents divorced.

He doesnt read his prayers, whereas ive never left my salah in 14 years. Even my eldest reads her 5 prayers everyday Alhamdulillah from the age of 11 (she is 14 now Masha'Allah) therefore hubby should be motivated to read, but all he wants to do is watch tv and sleep. i tried for the first several years of marriage to get him to read namaz until he answered that he doesnt want to read fajr because whudu wakes him up and he cant get back to sleep, and he hasnt got the time to read the other 4 namazs because he is "always working".

My children are 14, 11, 9, 4 and 2 year old son and my 3 eldest are telling me, begging me to leave him because they feel that he doesnt participate in his father or husband role anyways so we wont be any more worse off than now, except be happier and stress free.

3 of my children suffer from migraines and headaches and theres always someone ill.
I feel like my health has deteriorated much more rapidly because of my situation and also the kids healths are suffering because of the constant arguments and stress.

Would i be gaining Allah Tallahs anger if i finally took steps to leave with the children? Apart from fear from husband if i leave, i am more concerned of the consequences here and the hereafter that i will get as i know Allah Tallah dislikes divorce, even though he has given permission for it to be carried out as a last resort and i feel that this is my only option now. If he cant be better after having a son then i dont think he ever will be. He thinks so highly of himself and even refers to himself as "sir" and he wants to make our son EXACTLY like him because he thinks hes so great.

He does everything FOR SHOW. he keeps his mother here so everyone will think highly of him, even though he doesnt look after her or care for her. I do most of it, even though im physically unable to and i already have alot on with 5 children.

Please tell me your opinions on my matter, should i stay or should i go?

-ruby78682

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21 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister reading what you had written has made me cry too please sister get out of this relationship
    For your kids sake before it gets too late

  2. Dear sister

    Get out of this marriage for Allah’s sake. InshaAllah you will be thanking Allah.

    You have done the istekhara and you have stared the procedure for the divorce
    Don’t feel guilty or anything.. your children will thank you.
    There’s no point trying to save an abusive marriage. InshaAllah you will start a new life within our children .

  3. Hello

    It sounds like you have gone through a lot of emotional pain and physical pain in all these years. Your children are your future and you can make something of yourself too. If your husband has not changed until now, he will never change. Make sure that you will be able to financially support yourself and your children. It would not be easy, but it is something that will benefit you and your children. I'm sure the children are being abused too so it is abuse for 6 people, not only you. Take care of yourself and your children. Do not worry about your husband as he will not change. You have to make sure that you and your kids have a good life without mental abuse. Goodluck

    • I divorced my husband. No one in my family supported me. I'm a si single mother of two young children. I did it and am so grateful that Allah helped me.finally freed myself of years of abuse.

      U can do it and u must do it

      • I'm Sorry to barging but it is the worse Decision you've made and can you share with me the kinda Dua you've made that Allah helped you scrambled in the world helpless ? How you made the dua, what you say. I am so sorry for dropping without an invitation

  4. You need to divorce this loser like yesterday. You need to do this for the sake of your children and for yourself.

    From what you have described, there would be no sin in you leaving the relationship. Although divorce is disliked in Islam it is allowed for much lesser things than what you have had to put up with. You can divorce your husband if you simply do not get along with him as this is best for both of you in the long run.

    You need to divorce this loser before he gets his visa so that he is left in limbo - just punishment for what he has done to you and it will also stop him harassing you as he will immediately become an illegal as soon as you start divorce proceedings and will be in a much weaker position than otherwise.

    Allah does not demand that you stayed married in an abusive relationship just for the sake of the marriage. You know what to do and it will be your fault if you allow yourself and the children to suffer any longer because of him.

    If you don't do anything Allah will ask you on judgement day why you let yourself and your children suffer when you had a duty to protect yourself and them.

    • Brother Hussain, it is easy for you to say divorce him. When women are on the receiving end of all this, even after all we go through it is not easy to get to that point. Believe me. I have lived what she lives for 25 years. We have to keep in mind how all this will effect our children. What about when it is time for these girls to marry, who will pay for all of that? People will look down on them and judge them for coming from a divorced home. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. Yes Allah has made divorce halal as a last resort. My heart goes out to this sister. I don't know where she lives but who will support her? All her children are young., She in unable to work. I think she should try to plan an exit strategy and at least walk out with something. If he is bad to his mother too, the mother may help her to work something out. I know the visa thing makes it pressing and does give her some leverage but this whole situation in so complicated.
      Sister, I will make dua for you. Your tears and my tears are the same. The first time I asked for a divorce, my older daughter was a new-born and my mother said "don't worry, nowhe will look at the face of his daughter and his heart will melt and he will realize that you are also someone's daughter. His stone-cold heart never melted. May Allah ease your troubles and give him hidayah. Ameen. Ameen. Ameen.

      • By the time your daughter grows up for marriage age. Her generation won’t care at all that she comes from a divorce family. I think you are letting culture overrule your peace and happiness. Worrying what the society will think of you and your family.

  5. Even your kids are begging you to leave. You all suffer tremendously. This man is ugly, am monster. He doesn’t deserve your guy’s care and love...seriously. Leave this Ba@$ard. You will be fine InshaAllah.

  6. I don't know what the chances are that you may see my comment, but I'll have a go at it anyway.

    I'm 25 years old now and was also raised by a very abusive father. He hurt my mom and all of my sibilings and took all of our will to live. If I can go back and muster the courage to tell my mom to leave that piece of trash, excuse my language, I would do it. But my mom was delusional and manipluated by him so she always stayed with him and gave us excuses as to why he mistreats us. My mom has been married for 40 years and she always talks about how she wishes she had just left when she was younger and had time. She was too scared to leave because of us, the children. She didn't realize staying messed us up more than ending up homeless by chance. She's 52 now, she got married very young.

    Let me pretend that I am your oldest daughter and I have come from the future to tell you exactly how I feel now with a history like yours:

    Mom, it didn't get better. I struggle to see my worth and almost every day I wish I could die. Father continued to mistreat us, I tried so hard, I tried for the sake of Allah and Islam, but that was wrong of me to do because Islam does not condone this like I thought it did for a long time. Though it's too late now, the damage is done and I no longer have it in me to pray or do anything in terms of Religion. I'm in deep and wish you left him when we were younger, maybe I'd be in a better place mentally and emotionally, maybe I wouldn't be so stuck and suicidal.

    Back to reality now, PLEASE LEAVE THIS MAN, IF NOT FOR YOU, THEN FOR YOUR KIDS. It's gonna be a struggle but it'll be worth it.

  7. I don't understood why you people doesn't have Faith in Allah? Do alot of Astagfar, read constantly Allah rabbi la ushriko ka bhi Shaia... Read this dua because Prophet As Said that whoever will read this Allah will remove his afflictions (Narrated Ahmed:3528) Allah hunna Inni abduk......

    • You can still have faith in Allah and ask for peace and mercy. When your life is being a abused daily and so much oppression for many many years then it’s time to leave. Don’t be like those imams that say have sabar that’s it. No, she came here for answers.

    • HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is as helpful as saying 'hokus pokus' and expecting all of your problems to be solved. Ridiculous advice.

  8. He uses psychological abuse by saying things or making plans about something and then completely denying it literally 5 mins later to the point he becomes dangerously angry and uses really bad words or threatening gestures if i dont back down and say im wrong.

    WHERE DOES HE GO FOR HOLIDAY? YOUR HUSBAND HAS LOW SELF ESTEEM, ANGER AND SOME OTHER PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HE BECOMES DANGEROUSLY ANGRY?

    His family make so many problems and make him angry so he takes it out on us when he comes home. His family have been telling/begging him to leave me once he obtained his visa here.

    SO HE MARRIED YOU FOR A VISA. GOOD POINT IS HE DID NOT LEAVE YOU EVEN THOUGH HIS FAMILY WANTS HIM TO LEAVE

    If the day is going past pleasantly and calmly he will deliberately start a conversation up to get a reaction from me or his mum.

    DON'T REACT.....KEEP REPEATING NO REACTION IN YOUR MIND

  9. In all honesty, this post genuinely angered me. You portray yourself as a victim, but you're not a victim of abuse when you tolerate someone mistreating you for 15 years - AND keep on breeding more innocent children with your abuser, forcing these poor children to suffer in your toxic, abusive marriage with you. What kind of mother does that?!

    The worst part is that your kids are now old enough to understand everything and speak up for themselves...and they are literally BEGGING you to leave their father - but still, you don't bloody do it. WHY? How can you even be in doubt about whether or not you should leave this man? Are you THAT clueless and unhinged in the head, or are you THIS insecure about yourself? Because these are the only two reasons why someone would be in doubt about leaving someone that hurts everyone around them - even their own mother. How can you, as a woman, actually stand to be within the same postcode as a man like your husband when you see him hitting his mother, let alone stay with him, have kid after kid with him, and be in doubt about whether or not to leave him? You are asking if Allah will be angry at you for leaving this man, right? What? A man that hits the very woman that gave him life, carried him, birthed him and raised him? A man that only brings joy to people's lives when he leaves / is not there? Yeah, no, Allah totally wants you to stick to a precious diamond like that. What a great representation of what a Muslim man should be like...
    Honestly. What kind of question is that? Allah has allowed divorce exactly for situations like these. What are you waiting for? Another 15 years to pass? Get rid of this man NOW, before your children start to resent you and blame you for putting them through a miserable childhood. Do you not understand how much children get affected by childhood traumas? They are even affected by them in adulthood! This sort of shit is what makes adults turn to addictions, prostitution, promiscuity and whatnot. Please don't sacrifice your children's future for your own disturbing need to be with what I can only describe as a coward. Why is your husband targeting women? Why is he not displaying this abusive behaviour with men - you know, people of his own size and strength? Because men would beat the living shit out of him if he even tried. What kind of "man" targets his elderly mother, disabled wife and children? What a true, pathetic low-life. Leave this piece of garbage.

    • You're very fiesty in every post that I've seen you reply to, Lindita. I like it. Kinda wish I had you giving me tough love on my previous posts during my struggles.

      • Haha, would you believe that in real life I'm known for being a quite calm person? The thing is, I have somehow turned out to be an idealist. Which means I have a vision of what's good and bad, and I put thought into what steps should be taken and avoided in order to obtain what's good and avoid what's bad. It's honestly not difficult to do either: Before you get yourself into anything, analyse the situation, what it requires from you and what the possible outcomes could be. It's a super helpful approach to life...at least, I have managed to get through 30 years of life without going through any major problems.

        I honestly want everyone to have a good life...but it can seriously frustrate me that so many people seem to lack the ability to make assessments before they make life-altering decisions (pre-marital sex, marriage, having children, etc.). And it frustrates me when people sacrifice their wellbeing and, worse more, their children's wellbeing...especially when it's for someone or something that's absolutely NOT worth the sacrifice (like an abusive partner). There's ZERO honour or dignity in keeping yourself captive as a 'poor victim'...it's much more honourable to stand up for yourself and demand basic respect from people in your life. Hell, you shouldn't even have to demand basic respect...people that choose to be in your life should want to show your respect on their own initiative.

        Anyway, I hope everything worked out for you in the end, and that you're much better off :).

  10. Assalamu
    Alaikum
    Please Spend time to read it carefully and i'm crystal sure that you'll fine your answer

    Divorce is not for you
    Being with him is what Allah wants from you
    Good morning my sister you're so bless in this kinda life and situation that you are in and i need to remind you that it is a test for you from Allah just to see what your reactions would be,Are you patient or not and Will you turn back to him or
    you'll commit to the people's advise and tarnish your marriage.

    Allah said,Says , and is saying

    Allah . There is no Allah but he, the alive, the all-Sustaining
    He has revealed to you the book with the truth, confining what has been before it, and has sent down the torah and the injil
    Earlier to give guidance to mankind, and has sent down the Fruqan ( the Criterion of right and wrong ). Surely, those who have rejected the verses of Allah, for them there is severe punishment. Allah is mighty, the Lord of Retribution.
    Surely, Allah is such that nothing is Hidden from him, neither in the earth nor in the sky.
    He is the One Who shapes you in the wombs as He likes. There is no God but He, the Mighty, the Wise.
    Did you not observe those who have been given a share from the Book? They are invited to the Book of Allah, so that it may decide between them. Then, a group from them goes back, turning their faces away.

    isn't your husband one of those that turned away ? Are you ?

    He keep on saying

    Say

    Then, How (will it be ) when We will gather them together on a day about which there is no doubt, and everybody will be paid in full for what he has earned, and they shall not be wronged?
    Say: "O Allah, O Lord of the Kingdom, You give Kingdom to whom You will, and take Kingdom away from whom You will; and You bestow honor on whom You will, and bring disgrace to whom You will. In your hand lies the betterment ( of everyone ). You are surely powerful over everything.

    HE DIDN'T PROVIDE YOU AS EXPECTED

    I am impress by how you spend your time in writing the above sentences and IN a corresponding manner but Had it been you will Pray just as Prophet Dawud prayed and
    Fast just as prophet Dawud did
    make a dua just as he prayed
    And then relate to ALLAH all that is in your heart even including the ones you've kept within you and see if your solution is not going to be solve
    i'm assuring you that you will not end up here hearing from people either of it good or bad

    This relationship in marriage that you are in isn't your wish or anyone else's but a decision from Allah and no-one on earth can change it for you but Allah.

    All the characters that you've mentioned above are good, and they're referring to you not your husband. he is just your road to guidance only if you ask Allah for the answers and you alone. Why because only you can bring him back to his senses and if you do that who knows maybe that is the only Task Allah wants from you and maybe it'll be the means of your entry in to paradise.
    You are not in this world to be happy my sister

    Allah said---- Suratul Ankaboot

    Do people think that they will be only on their saying, ''We believe'' and will not be put to any test?
    Indeed We have tested those who were before them. So Allah will surely know the ones who are truthful, and He will surely know the Liars.
    Or do those who commit evils think that they will outstrip Us? Evil is what they predicate.
    Whoever hopes to meet Allah( Must be sure that ) Allah's appointed time has to come, and He is the All-Hearing, the All-Knowing.
    Whoever strives, strives for his own benefit. Surely Allah is independent of all the worlds.
    Those who believe and do righteous deeds, We will expiate their bad deeds and will give them a better reward ( than their expectation) for what they used to do
    We have instructed man to do good to his parents. And if they insist upon you that you should ascribe partners to Me, then do not obey them. To Me is your return; then I shall tell you what you used to do.
    And those who believe and do righteous deeds, We shall include them among the righteous

    Don't made a mistake of loosing this opportunity and lottery ticket That Allah is waving at you, Don't take it personal
    because if you do just to serve your worldly needs your benefits will be in this world and reward whereas no reward and means of entry to Paradise
    1- The first Task assign and warning that Allah made crystal is disobeying Him and his prophet and then Parents
    and you've passed those three and you are clean

    and then the other task for a woman is husband And here It is not The Husband that is suppose to take care of you rather it is you that is instructed to take care of your Husband if you pulled away the western civilization to a degree of freedom 0.
    I'm a man but we don't know what is affection,feelings,emotions. Women does and that is why you'll find group of men treating other people differently but as for women it is reverse, That is why Allah said for every patient Man has Hoor al'in but as for women he kept it with him To show you how strong women are, Men love fame but women doesn't .

    Women Need Attention not worldly materials
    As you didn't get attention from your husband why not go back to Allah maybe Allah need,want you to focus on him much more, that is why he made you incompetent,busy to figure out that the world has nothing to offer you, Maybe you'll be healthy and you will marry the nice's Guy and wealth but then you'll forget Allah with extravaganza and pursue of world and later you'' both die and ended with Shaytan in hellfire .Or Maybe you're about to stiffening away and Allah is All aware of everything differs you from that and assigned you to this just to remember the favors you forget to ask him or thank, Allah is Angry at a person who doesn't ask him.

    The reason why i am trying to tell you that Allah love you for putting you in this condition is because He Says for whomever We've love must be tested, Take a good look at the PROPHETS of Allah aren't they the prophets , aren't they promised paradise even without doing any good ? they are, but they still aren't lazy and complaining by their families turning their backs on them .

    The Solution to your Problem is between you and Allah and you alone can solve and Don't even think about divorce because if Allah assign a task to a person whoever that was must've it fulfilled .
    take for instance you're separated and you'll be a widow and later will be inneed to find a loving,handsome,obedient,respectful, understanding husband and when Allah help you did found one, Same task will be pulled but in a modern way and it'll be hard this time to solve because you've distanced yourself from ULUL-ALBAB. the people of understanding. and that he fulfilled all your wishes with the new charming cat husband that loves you very much but then that wishes are only for this world and then he will be your means or will drag you to Jahannam.

    I'm not a translator
    but i want you to know that my point of view is that Allah wants you to change your husband from secretary of satan to the slave of Allah.
    Bellow lies same story not long ago
    This same incident had happened in Saudi Arabia but this time around it is the man and as far his wishes and demand unlucky him that Allah granted him the love of his life and he used to be in the front-line in the mosque, doesn't miss Prayer and gradually he begin to stiffen from his deen and he stop coming and while they're travelling on Eid Day They'd got into an accident and many people surrounded him ordering him to recite the Kalimat- tushahadat but he is saying ishe gulu- WHAT WILL I SAY TO HIM , WHAT WILL I SAY TO HIM , and that's how he died and the Love of his life was taken to the hospital with all the promises they'd made even if one dies will remain Unmarried, But with time she'll forget him.

    There are some people whom are exceptional in this world but to my understanding they're women and are very Few
    People like you are exceptional and are expected to work hard,patience
    1-YOU'RE A WOMAN
    2- MARRIED
    3- MOTHER
    A mothers dua has no bail,Vail or traffic not a change in bearing meant there's not an angel that can make an authentication to it whereas it goes directly to Allah and he will answer it in different format As He is Al-Malik
    .
    Insha'Allah bellow when i'm free i'll write to you on how to make a dua,and prayer .. you need to change how you pray, the way you pray, and the time you are spending in praying .
    .
    I urge you to read From Suratul Ankaboot to zumar . There all your solutions are.

    You Must pray at midnight were all are atsleep there Allah will comedown to the lowest heaven asking for those in need and he'll help them and spend ahours if possible at your SUJUD, PROSTRATION

    • “Divorce is not for you
      Being with him is what Allah wants from you”
      You are saying that even though this monster is hurting f her she still has to stay and obey and take care of him. This is the way she will be rewarded by Allah. You don’t give good advice. You don’t make sense.

  11. Salaam sister having read all this what you had written down for the sake of kids leave him you already mentioned that your girls are suffering from headaches
    It will get worse please leave him before it gets too late

  12. Assalamualaykum Sister,

    I would recommend instead of asking different people, ask here (Shaykh), he is really helpful person: https://islamqa.info/en

    If you ask different people, you yourself will be confused. Instead ask some Islamic Scholar, who knows the Deen properly. Here: https://islamqa.info/en

    Also make lots of duas. May Allah bless you and your family. Aameen.

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