Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Too Much Control

Here is a little about my background.

I am Dominican (Spanish) 22 years Old and muslimah for 3 years . subhanallah .

i have two kids from An old marriage and one from my new marriage that i have been in for 3 years

Here is the situation I am in .

I married a Yemeni guy . he was nice and open minded in the beginning as I was not muslim .

But then as soon as i converted the rules started to come down hard on me . I DID NOT convert for him but rather because i was already interested in being Muslim and I Figured its the perfect chance to do it so that we may get along better and understand each other in marriage . He became my guide on how to actually do it . He bought my my first Hijab abaya and niqabb . His open mind suddenly faded away . Now I cant look for work & i cant go to school . cant have any friends over . go anywhere thats not laundry , market , or doctor . this to him is going out .. like some enjoyable thing to do lol . I am grateful not to have to work but its really not what i want . I have dreams that i will be able to support all my kids and him should I ever have the need to . i want to build with him not ride on his back while he does everything . and should anything happen i will have a way to support myself not get kicked from my home whenever if ever he should feel like it . now everything has become ' Muslim women dont do this Muslim women dont do that " which always sounds to me Yemeni women dont do this ( no diss on yemeniyah ) because i see plenty of muslimah doing big things in the world ,i feel like he sees the women only for cooking cleaning and taking care of the kids and only his way of Islam is the right way . i follow the Quran and sunnah without the barrier of culture . i am taking it straight as it is . and thats alot diffrent then his way .  I feel that i am a good wife i dont deny him any of his rights and enjoy doing them but his constant negative behavior is taking a toll on me . I find my self to be more angry w the slightest criticizism because i feel that no matter what i do  . i am not what he truly wants since hes always complaining everyy single day . and anytime we argue like normal couples do .. he says thats what you get when you marry an american ..

 

so many things on my mind ! but this is all i have to say for now .

please tell me what you think i should do in this situation .

janhasx3

 

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8 Responses »

  1. Salaamalaikum, sister.

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman is ‘awrah, and if she goes out, the shaytaan raises his hopes (of misguiding her). She is never closer to Allaah than when she stays in her house.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan and Ibn Khuzaymah; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Shaheehah, no. 2688.

    Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen said: The field in which a woman works should be only for women, such as if she works in teaching girls, whether in administration or technical support, or she works at home as a seamstress sewing clothes for women and so on. As for working in fields that are for men, this is not permissible for her because it requires her to mix with men, which is a great fitnah (source of temptation and trouble) and should be avoided. It should be noted that it is proven that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I have not left behind me any fitnah that is more harmful to men than women; the fitnah of the Children of Israel had to do with women.” So the man should keep his family away from places of fitnah and its causes in all circumstances.

    • But it's ok for men to go to work with women in the same field? That does not make sense as men are generally more tempted than women.

      Sister please have open conversation with your husband on what your social and career goals are. If anything, islam grants more rights to women. But unfortunately many cultures get ibbthe way of Islam. Good luck!

      • Mashallah, "That does not make sense"? The Prophet's (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) hadith does not make sense to you?

        • You quoted a shykh saying women should not work in a place with men. Not the Rasul as. According to your perspective then women cannot go out in any place with men? Shopping, market, doctors office. Surely Islam is a religion of ease. Of course in no circumstances should the be any kind of unnecessary gender mixing. But working, shopping etc have guidelines.

          That is besides the point of this post. This sister reached out about issues in her marriage and your only advice was pretty much that she should stay home. Let's try to be more helpful.

          • "According to your perspective then women cannot go out in any place with men? Shopping, market, doctors office."

            According to my perspective? Uhhhhhh, no, I quoted Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen. Not my perspective. Besides, what the Shaykh said was about work. Not about going out, shoppping, etc, so your argument is a strawman here. Apparently, Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen is a salaf regarded by his contemporaries, so if you have any problem with the Shaykh's advice, I can't help with that.

  2. If you want to follow the Quran and sunnah then you should understand that your husband not wanting you to work or go out except for a need is not a bad thing. It is his right in Islam and it is in accordance to the Quran and sunnah that the women are supposed to stay home. Working outside of the home is an exception not the norm.

    Remain in your homes, and do not display (your) beauty as it used to be displayed in the days of earlier ignorance; and establish Salāh, and pay Zakāh, and obey Allah and His messenger. Allah only intends to keep (all sorts of) filth away from you (33:33)

    There's nothing wrong with a woman working outside the home it but if your husband says no, than you should stay home. A woman should obey her husband so long as he doesn't ask her to do something haram because he is the head of the house hold.

    It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: It was said to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): Which of women is best? He said: “The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he tells her to do something, and does not disobey him with regard to herself or her wealth in a way that he dislikes.”

    Narrated by al-Nasaa’i (3131); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i.

    If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter Paradise by whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.” Narrated by Ahmad (1664) and others; classed as hasan by al-Albaani

    That doesn't mean there's no room for negotiation. Explain to him why you want to go to school and work and try to convince him, but if he still says no than don't think of it as being trapped think of it in a positive way since this is the natural place allah has commanded the women to stay. In Arabic the woman is called the queen of the house not a "simple housewife" as is understood in the western world. A woman's prayer is more precious when it's performed at home rather than in the masjid even if it were at the prophets masjid praying behind the prophet himself her prayer in her home is still more precious to Allah. And a woman is closer to Allah when she stays in her home according to hadith.

    It was narrated that Umm Humayd the wife of Abu Humayd al-Saa’idi came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I like to pray with you.” He said, “I know that you like to pray with me, but your prayer in your room is better for you than your prayer in your courtyard and your prayer in your courtyard is better for you than your praying in your house, and your prayer in your house is better for you than your prayer in the mosque of your people, and your prayer in the mosque of your people is better for you than your prayer in my mosque.” So she issued orders that a prayer-place be prepared for her in the furthest and darkest part of her house, and she used to pray there until she met Allaah (i.e., died).”

    (Narrated by Ahmad, 26550).

    This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by Ibn Khuzaymah in his Saheeh, 3/95; Ibn Maajah, 5/595; al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, 1/135

    "The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woman is ‘awrah, and if she goes out, the shaytaan raises his hopes (of misguiding her). She is never closer to Allaah than when she stays in her house.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan and Ibn Khuzaymah; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Shaheehah, no. 2688

    Being able to stay home and care for children is a beautiful honor and privilege that Allah has gifted to the women and it benefits the whole ummah. I understand your logic behind wanting to work and be able to support yourself and alhamdulillah today there are many ways to achieve this while still fulfilling your role in the home. You could go to school online. Also look into various fields and degrees that would allow you to work from home as well.

    And if you are able to convince him to let you work outside the home then alhamdulillah that's also good, so long as you minimize the haram, wear proper hijab, limit your interactions with men, lower your gaze, don't be flirtatious, don't beautify yourself in their presence etc...

    It would be really hard to completely avoid working with men so from what I understand it would be your responsibility to minimize the haram as much as possible inshallah.

    And lastly if things don't work out the way you want, remember that Allah is the best of all planners and trust in his qadr because Allah knows best.

  3. It always pisses me off so much when Muslim men give more open-mindedness, love, freedom, compassion and NORMAl behaviour and treatment to non-Muslim women than Muslim women. But you have already committed yourself to a man who does exactly that, so now you have to talk to him and let him know you're not going to tolerate being treated different. In the end of the day, people only do to us what we allow them to do, so the question is...will you allow him to control you?

  4. Sister, his behavior has nothing to do with Islam. He has no right to FORCE these restrictions on you. If there is something wrong you are doing, he needs to gently guide you towards the right way and make things easier for you, same as you should if you find a fault with him.
    He is an abusive narcissist I'm sorry. Now its up to you to decide if you can live like this or not.
    May Allah have mercy on you

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