Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Ultra-controlling husband is suffocating me

Controlling manI am in need of guidance.

I have been married for 8 years now. I have a son who is six. Alhumdulillah.

I don't know where to start. You know where at the beginning years of marriage where everything is all well and happy? It was not the case for me. You see my husband has been brought up in a family which has three sons and no daughters and his family shows no affection. As for I, in my family we had very innocent minds. For me my daddy was like my pride and I was his princess. I too have an elder brother and younger sister. So the problem started when my father would sit next to me or once I sat on my dad's leg and my parents always kiss my cheeks. I put my head on my mom's lap. Play with my siblings. Pushing pulling fighting arguing. We were always a playful bundle. We would all talk cuddling on bed next to mum and dad using their hands as pillows.......

My husband detested it. He found it vulgar. He came to a decision that my family was perverted. Especially my father and brother. It broke my heart.... to hear that about the very people who protected me for 18 years.

But still I thought it will be alright. But he started to ask questions..... weird questions. Still does. Like what age my parents washed and bathed me and help me get clothed. Many weird questions like till what age I would play outside on the road. With whom I played with till when I rode bicycles and played basketball. What I wore when I played. What clothes i wore in college and at home. If I wore nightsuits at night.

Then he started keeping conditions on me.... I couldn't go out anywhere without his permission. I agreed to it because obviously in islam we have to tell our husband's if we go out. But this was if I told him one place name and there was a shop attached to it and I went inside it was trouble. Then he took Qur'an kasm from me. That I would tell him where ever I went every single place. Also even if I went out on a drive with my family but didn't step out or if I went to movies at a mall I had already informed him of. I agreed.

Then more conditions came. More Qur'an kasms were taken. Like I would never remove hijab (dupatta ) from my head even if only my mom was home. At every time I had to wear it on my head at home. Then I wouldn't sit next to my father on a two seater sofa so that I wouldn't lean on him. Then I couldn't sit in the car at the back in the middle if my father or brother were next to me. Even at a restraint. I wasn't supposed to sit next to my father or brother.... or on the dining table. I wouldn't sit on a bike. I wouldn't cycle. I wouldn't have bath after 11 pm. I wouldn't pick calls or text after 11 pm. I was forbidden to be on any social networking sites. If a call came he would eavesdrop and ask who and what even if only my sister and mom call me. He keeps asking if my father calls me and if my father and brother call how long they talk and how frequent they call.

If I get calls or texts from wrong numbers which are mostly ads. He would call back to check who it is and check the number on true caller.

I was forbidden to go on holidays with my family because we were goofs who would sit on top of the car and have fun. I always wore an abaya and the road was silent. I was only 18. I was young. All I wanted was to be a loyal wife. To love him and to have him with me with my family. I wanted him to love my family like mine. I was stupid. I was naive.

Things started to get worse who would keep more conditions on me and take more kasms from me like I would never lie to him.... He has taken 55 Qur'an kasms from me and I had no choice but to oblige even though I detested the thought of giving Qur'an kasm for such small matters. I thought things would end there. I thought once I got pregnant things would be better.... nothing changed. He stressed me out so much that I thought I would lose my child... I went into fake Labour when I was admitted. But he stayed beside me. Holding my hand.i forgave him for everything. I thought things will get better once the child is born. But his habits of questioning never ended. He would ask the same questions repeatedly for 8 years. My only decent days are when I receive only two three messages a day. My most stressful days have above 100. Most are about how I will behave about the kasms I have given him or belittling my family.

Every time he could take out topics like my father was a pervert and a liar. My brother a player.... not only them but my uncles, cousins, everyone. My mom grandma sister. He had something to say about everyone. And when I would try to avoid him. If for the sake of peace I leave the room he wouldn't let me go. If I locked the guest room door he would knock it again n again and then message me and keep calling repeatedly till I answered . If i went to the living room he would open the window and tell me to open the door. I literally had no space at all these 8 years.

He goes to office for about an hour everyday. He is awake all night. Randomly wakes me up to ask questions when I'm in deep sleep. He wakes up at 2 pm. Goes out for a short while. Has no interest in anything. Offers only jummah salat. If he has an interest it is his obsessiveness and possessiveness over me.

He has control over everything I wear. He gives me only 1500 rs, ie 11 euros every month and I am supposed to buy snacks for my son. Buy stationery. Buy medicines and buy anything i need for myself as well in that amount. I live in a joint family so Alhumdulillah I get food which my father in law provides. Every ramzan he gives me 3k thats 30 euros so that i can stitch dresses to wear and whatever less I need. He not only controls me but also the money flow.

When my parents come to meet me in at my place he spies over us through the cctv. To check if they kiss me or not. I go to my mum's place about 25 days in total in a year. And those days are spent messaging him because he has a lot of questions that he needs to ask like where I sit. Where I sleep. Who sleeps next to me. Who sat next to me in car. Which bathroom I use how I go into the bathroom if I wear dupatta to the bathroom or not. And when I sleep how I sleep. If my mum sleeps with me or anyone other woman than my son or sister I should sleep with my head covered.

I am going crazy. If he could control my breath he would control that too. And now he has started to ask me when I will wear dupatta on my body in front of my son who is 7.

If my son sits on my feet he asks me if I sat on someones feet and till what age.

If he presses my feet or back he asks me if I pressed others and till what age and if they ask me to press how I will press.

If he sees someone riding a bicycle he reminds me how I can never ride a bicycle.

If on tv he sees a father and daughter hug or kiss he asks me if i did that and how I have given Qur'an kasm hat I won't even kiss my father's hand even if he does and that his kasm is forever.

He asks me has taken Qur'an kasm from me that I will never remarry whether I divorce him or get widowed. I really don't want to. I have suffered enough.

But the thing is all these years I thought I'll bear all this. I'll just suffer, forget and forgive, and push the years till I die. I have a son after all but now I feel like there Is the weight if the world on my shoulders. There is heaviness on my mind and a tingling sensation in my head.

I sometimes feel like hurting him or hurting myself and I hate myself for that. I never though that I would think about cursing my own husband. I feel disgusted. Every time he pressures me I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I can't breathe...... I don't know I am mentally exhausted. I don't know if I am being mentally and emotionally tortured or not but I want to stop the pain by hurting myself and what hurts me more is I thought I wouldn't want my son to be away from his father but when we fight he gets stressed.

I go crazy...... Like very crazy. I pull my hair. I laugh I cry.. I don't even realise what I do then I hear my son talking to himself that mom will be alright once she gets some rest......it breaks my heart. my son shouldn't be involved in this mess. I don't know anymore what is better for him or for me...... I desperately need help. For these 8 years I can easily say there are about 80000 messages on my WhatsApp that have been continuously repeated.

And this summer when my family requested that I stay a little longer to my father in law.... He aired all my father's dirty laundry to my mother in law. I told them that my husband has flaws as well and told them a few but the next day my father in law lectured me how husbands come first in islam and i was so hurt. If i hadnt followed that rule would i have still been stuck with their son all these years giving him continuous chances? What about me? How about you not be blind to your sons flaws and tell him to be better to me?

I sincerely feel like i can never go back to that place. Id rather die. My husband got all emotional over it he said everyone will forget things will get back to normal but he still is the same its not been even 24 hours since i came to my mum's place i´ve received about 40 messages. The worst is that if i dont reply within five minutes he keeps repeatedly calling me.

I am exhausted. I feel id rather die than go back to that place. Now that he has belittled my family in front of his parents and gotten there support im worried things will either get better or worse. But this time i dont want to go back but my parents dont agree. They tell me to give him more time and he will change but i am mentally exhausted i really cant take it anymore. These many years i took care of him because i was mentally strong but now i am mentally weak. I dont have the strength .just a little stress and i feel like i cant stand and will fall down any moment. Please help me as much as u can as fast as possible.

I thought life will get better if I pray. I am practicing muslim. I told him to change I told him to become hardworking. To take back Qur'an kasms. To become practicing. He told me to leave him but he won't change whatever happens. I don't know what to do.

-distressedmuslimah

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11 Responses »

  1. Your husband is classical example of psychopath. He needs professional help as soon as possible. Time is not the remedy in the case.

    • I tried a lot but he seems to stop taking medicine in a few weeks times saying they make him unstable. I've given him an ultimatum now and got the elders involved. Says he's changed but can't trust him yet. I've left my fate to Rabb. All O can do now is pray for the best.

  2. Assalaamualaikum, seems like you are best parting ways. Prayer istikhara . Allah a.w.j knows best.

    Jazak Allah Khair

  3. Their is a age when father/son needs to show respect to daughter as a women while she is all grown up. No one would doubt the intentions but after certain age it looks really bad and inappropriate to lean on parents and siting on the lap etc... You will find people on this page calling your husband a psychopath .. dont listen to them.. no one can judge by listening to 1 side of the story and feminists would take the most of this hit..... their is always 2 side of the story..

    The issue you have described can be resolved .. sit down with your husband and have a clear open conversation.. no taunting, no blaming etc etc .. let him know how you feel and ask yourself are you perfect?? i am sure you have your flaws which he will have to say.. so no one is perfect ...

    You are on this forum because you need help .. REALLY!!!!

    Look the relationship will last or will end ... their is something called compromise... if you want to live then compromise , if not then end this all and stop complaining about wha should you do ... No one, No one except you know what should you do .. ...

  4. Assalamualaykum Sister,

    I am so saddened by your story. You are not weak. It is a testament to your strength that you have survived in this situation for as long as you have. I will pray for you tonight.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

    • I am extremely grateful for your kindness. Jazakallahu khair

      • i understand that your family expresses love in a certain way , but you need to talk to a learned islamic imam to find out about proper interaction with your father and brother as you are not a little girl anymore, and if shariah guides you in a certain way, you should abide by its rules.

        as for your husband, it seems like you're the first girl that has come to his life. he does not know how to treat a woman and give her space. the fact that hes working for only 1 hour and stays home all day tells us he needs to work on himself alot. He needs to find more activities to do and friends to hang out with.

        I think you should stay at your parents place until you feel better and tell him clearly to mend his ways. dont answer his calls and let him know that hes gonna lose you if he continues to do all this .

        Also, you should spend time on new activities or with your friends and make a life of your own so that it keeps you busy and happy.
        when both you and your spouse spend so much time at home with each other, this is bound to happen

      • Waves,

        No problem at all sister. I prayed for you last night. Inshallah Allah's help will come very soon.

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

  5. Assalamualaikum,

    How have u survived with him all these 8 years u should have known this in 1 year . He is psychic and it's dangerous for u and Ur son to stay with him . I am not really in favour of divorces. Just reading the paragraph u wrote stressed me out that it disturbed my mind for almost an hour before I wrote this.

    Leave him and look for a better future. He is insane and you cannot live WD such insanity. Ur still young in sha Allah someone good will come Ur way and u already have Ur brother and father to support u.

    Heights of insanity

    I hope you are ok. Please don't stress Islam doesn't ask us to bare insanity. My husband also are brothers and no sisters I feel even his family lacks emotion as they have never seen daughters and he also found weird when I spoke to my father in a very close way. Though my father is no more now. Even I expected he would be part of my family but I have come to terms they can never be a part with so low feelings now I don't even ask him to visit my family also I keep good distance with his family coz they lack affection and I don't like to visit such people who don't even care to talk although we haven't stopped each other from visiting each others places but Alhamdullilah he doesn't think all this crap like yours.

    May Allah heal you and do isthikara and see what you want to decide. I don't feel it's healthy to stay with such people but isthikara and consulting Ur family on this is best solution.

  6. Assalamualaikum,

    I am so sorry to hear this sister. Just reading the paragraph you wrote stressed me out for a good couple of minutes. I don't know how you took all this for 8 years. Hats off to your patience.

    Though husband is a pivotal part in the marriage and wife has to obey him . Allah(swt) has never asked us to get on with insanity. He sounds to me that he is mentally unstable and he thinks that you are like his property on whom he has full control. Since he has no sisters he lacks affection and they have no daughters at home they can never understand the affection between a father and daughter. My in laws and husband have similar background they have no daughters so they lack affection and they find weird when we talk or show affection to the family coz they have never done that.

    Though u have all rights to show affection to Ur father but if I was you I wouldn't do that in front of my husband as both the men are important to me and hold their own respect in a females life . I would be mindful of him being present when I sit with my father or brother and keep a bit distance when he is around so that he doesn't take in other way since his bringing up is different than mine. Though even I was very close to my father and my husband knew that. Even I would sit with my father next to him lean on him at times coz at the end he is my father and their is no fitna it's the daughter and father love even prophet Muhammad(as) did that with Fatima(as) if u have read few hadiths as long as their is no fitna and it is only pure father daughter love but doing in front of third person though he is Ur husband outside Ur family would look different coz he is not aware of relationship u have with ur father and moreover since he had no sisters he would never ever understand that. So I would say pls don't do that when he is around. Maintain a distance with the male members of Ur family though they are mahrams when Ur husband is around they sole reason being he is not aware of a father daughter relationship and moreover we don't need to show love to our parents in front of them

    Secondly, your husband has psychic issues . He had dirty thoughts in his mind inbuilt looks like he imagines things that never exist especially when he cannot tolerate u being without Hijab or dupatta in front of Ur just 7 year old says a lot about his mind set so when he cannot take that how can he take the relationship of Ur father and u?

    I don't think Ur safe with him coz I am worried about u and Ur sons health more than Ur relationship with him. Only when Ur healthy mentally and physically can u give him the love as a wife but he is making that too difficult for u. May be he has not got Islamic upbringing and he is not even keen to learn. I would say just do last talk if u want to continue with this relationship he has to change a lot and so do u have to change in terms of maintaining Ur dignity in front of him and never encouraging his stupidity and ignoring his filthy questions only then this relationship can work which is going to be a hard task for Ur husband WD such strong headed mentality. I would say u should do isthikara and speak to Ur parents and his parents with some one with good Islamic knowledge who can be free of bias from both the ways and who just doesn't suppress a woman just coz she is a woman.

    In the last resort even if that doesn't work. Then you should think about Ur health and Ur sons health and part ways after isthikara and leave everything on Allah and before that I would suggest you stay away from him at least a year at Ur parents place so that u regain Ur mental health and do isthikara during this time and then decide what you want to do.

    Only you know how he treats you we can only tell you based on Ur narration .if u have any flaws which have not written here pls also consider that and then take a decision for Ur better future and sons better future.

    In sha Allah I will pray for you that Allah(SWT) gives u courage and also good mind set to take right decision for u and Ur son s future but I would say staying away from Ur husband for at least a year is healthy coz right now out of rage u may take wrong decision and if Ur we him u can never take a decision. U need to be with urself in peace a. In this gap u will also feel that u were also wrong if we're and it will help u know urself and what u want.

    Jazakhallah Khair

    Hope my suggestion helps u.

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