Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why are my parents so ungrateful?

Angry old lady, old woman


All of my life I have obeyed my parents. I'm not a bad kid, I don't do drugs or have bad friends or anything. Yet my parents are EXTREMELY ungrateful.

They don't have any reason to complain. Every day, my sister and I wake up early and set the breakfast table before our parents come. Then as soon as they wake up they start complaining, like why I turned on the heater when they aren't cold (even if I am), or why we don't eat enough (if my sister or I go above 110 pounds we will be in trouble, so we try to control our weight), or why we didn't bring the particular item that they wanted for breakfast.

Then, immediately after breakfast we go study (we're in online school so we study at home). Then my parents complain that we shouldn't study for such long hours (we literally study all day), but at the same time they expect us to be finished our courses very fast and with excellent grades. For the past few years I have had straight A's and my parents still thought that was bad! They want us to be exceptionally smart but they aren't grateful that we're the best in the school or community or at least that we're normal. They compare us to famous geniuses, but they don't see how much a lot of parents would be proud if their children were three years ahead in school and got straight A's.

They expect us to be the best at everything. In sports, if we aren't as good as they'd like we get yelled at. They also complain that we don't have good social skills. When they say that it makes me really mad because it's absolutely their fault. My sister and I don't have ANY friends and we rarely go out of the house because my parents don't want us to be in contact with people. They think everybody is evil.

They act like they give us so many rights, but really I don't have 1/5 of the rights most people my age do. People my age hang out together, go out and have fun, actually have friends, etc. I am not even allowed to be with my cousin (who is also a good girl, but not Muslim) without my parents watching over me. Even Muslims near our community try to be friends with us but my parents rudely ignore them out of their own laziness.

I don't know why my parents are like this. When they were my age they barely studied, they had huge groups of friends, they hung out, did whatever they wanted basically and their parents were still proud of them!! They don't seem to remember what it's like to be young, they say you don't need friends, and having fun is stupid, and we should only care about studying anyways.

I don't want to sound ungrateful but I know that they don't care about me, they only care about how much they can brag to relatives.

-  young Muslimah

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8 Responses »

  1. Oh sweetie I'm so sorry to hear that, must parents are like that no matter what you do for them is worth nothing, honey just respect them because they brought you to this world and our parents are the one who suppose to forgive us later on in think I don't get is not letting you guys out with at least your Muslim friends. I mean your not in jail, you seem like a good smart person marsallah. I would till them how you guys feel about all this. Good luck insallah everything work out.

  2. No one can understand what we feel when parents torture us ignore us .............. why bcoz parents are good they ahve bought us in this world fine then is not necessary of the parents to keep there children happy if they do so then world will not have many prostitutes robaries rapist drinkers druggist and all...................... even we need care n respact not only parents

  3. Assalamu alaikum,

    We lietrally have the same problem at home, or maybe ever worse. Somethings my parents say really really hurt BUT no matter what, we still love them. Well, I used to think like you, wondering why my parents are never ever greateful, why they always moan at everything...

    BUT, i have learnt so much that i wanted to share with you. First of all, Its very hard to make your parents happy. They're never satisfied with anything! well, think about it. Are you ever happy with everything? Even if you have something, arent you always wanting something better than that? Well, our parents are the same. And plus, they maybe at time where they have been happy, but not all of them show it esp. asian parents. I dont know if your parents are asians or not, but to them, i think they get a sense of happiess when they say my daughter has done so and so to others.

    And most importantly sis, at everything you do, do it for the sake of Allah. Yes, you do chores,study etc but who are you doing it for? If its for you parents, then obiviously you expect your parents to say nice things and get really disappointed when you dont hear them, and sis let me tell you, we as humans have so many faults and we sin so much, how do you expect your parents to be perfect? When you do it for the sake of Allah, you will NEVER be dissapointed even when you dont hear nice things. Its part of our human nature to get motivated due to reward, but remember, that Allah will inshallah give you that reward.

    I think with studies,sport whatever, its natural that parents expect you to be the best. You shouldnt take these so seriously because there will always be someone better than you, but wats important is you trying to your best potential. When they compare you to someone else, make it like a motivation and try to be the best. You parents may have not studies, and all they did is have fun BUT the reason they're pushing you to study is because they dont your life to be like theirs - they know hows hard its to survive without a proper education and they dont want you to go through the same thing!!

    Anywhoo, sis. I prob. sound like im taking the side of your parents,but i just want to realise that your parents wont be with your forever SO make the most of it when they're here for you. Theres are so many orphans who wish everyday they have parents. Regardless of how they are, love them with all your heart and even if your parents dont return the love, Allah definetely will 🙂

    And if they didnt care abt you - trust me, you wont be where you are so deep down, theres something. I guess sometimes they dont express it outwards.

    So sis, This aint a big issue at all - and i hope i have helped you in some way and tbh, im sorry for any wierd things i may have said - im only 18, still got loads to learn 😀

    Good luck with everything and may Allah reward you

  4. Wa alaikum as Salaam,

    My little sister, are you in an army training camp or something? 🙂
    Well, jokes apart. Lemme tell you that you have got caring parents. Maybe their parents were not as caring towards them as yours are to you. They want to make sure that you do not fall prey to the traps of Shaitaan through the evil people.
    Maybe they are exaggerating on this, but are doing this with a good intention, I believe. If you think this is not the case, can you spot the reason for their behavior?

    Are your parents practicing Muslims? If yes, then it should not be difficult to find ways to go to a mosque where you can meet friends. Or see if any elderly person among your relatives can advise them that they are exaggerating and should lighten on you. Though you should stay within the limits set by Allah Subhaanah in any way possible.

    If you can not go to the masjid, then you should probably seek help from an elderly person as I mentioned above. Do not be ungrategul to your parents. They are the people who are responsible for your presence and they brought you up. Even if you spend your entire life serving them, you will not be able to pay for a second your mother spent with you in the nights, after you were born, when you cried and she took care of you instead of sleeping herself. She cares for you as I mentioned. It is just that you misunderstand her. Maybe they want no external fitnah and this is the reason you are not being allowed to go to a School physically.

    They probably worry about the weight, because they care for your health (though it is not something very serious according to me).

    Look for wise ways to make them realize that you need company of some friends. One way you can do this is by obeying them as much as you can, show them as much affection as you can. Then you can slowly start mingling with your cousin. (Now they will be trusting you) And thus, you can increase the number of friends slowly. And most importantly, keep doing dhikhr of Allah, as this will give peace to your heart.

    This will do some help insha Allah
    May Allah ease the test on you

  5. I liked your reply so much, MashaAllah, Thanks for sharing

  6. wa alaikum as salaam,


    I agree with many of comments others made. Try to look for ways your parents might show that they care and love you first. Then, if they are really not treating you with dignity, talk to an elder and see if there is anything they can do. If their actions are turning you into a worse person, you being to hate the world, other people, your existence, then something should be done. This is not how parents should act, and if they cause these feelings, you are right in feeling upset and mistreated. You are being mistreated. They are your parents, so you should always respect that they gave you life and nurtured you this far. I think you can pay them back for the time they raised you though - you do not need to be their slave into eternity.

    Is there an older relative you could perhaps live with if it is really unbearable?

    Maybe also suggesting to an elder relative that not being able to spend time with people from the masjid is harmful and maybe they could talk with your parents. If you are already a obedient daughter I don't think being more obedient or loving will change anything. The older you get, you will realize there are people in the world who are never happy - or very rarely - even if Allah has blessed them with so much! From what you have written, this might be your parents. You appear to be a grateful muslimah, and you will be much happier in your life later on. If you choose your own husband, be sure to choose one who does not remind you of your parents (in that he is ungrateful), but one who wants to ensure your happiness, and believes your happiness is more important than his. And then treat your children with dignity and respect - and expect the same from them. But also realize that your opinion of your parents might change as you become a parent yourself. Being a parent is not easy and sometimes mistakes are made with good intentions.

    Make sure you are a healthy weight for you age and height. This is very important so you are strong enough later to have children. If you are not getting enough food you think, then again ask an elder for help.

    Your parents may also be trying to prepare you for life when it is difficult, or trying to prepare you for being a mother. I don't know how old you are - but if you're young, you might not be making the best decisions about friends etc. so maybe you could ask your parents if they could find a friend or two for you from the masjid.

    inshallah they will let you experience the world more, safely. It is a beautiful place Allah has created for us.

    wassalamu' alaikum

  7. Salaam,

    I know how you feel. I am a Muslim girl and I have been living underneath the captivity of my parents for 16 years. Unlike you though, I go to school and that doesn't seem to please my parents. I admit, I fooled around with boys in the past and that ungrateful action did that come back to bite me in the butt. I liked to have fun and my parents didn't seem to like that very much. They were extremely strict on my studies and told me they didn't care if I was friendless, as long as I was getting my necessary knowledge. I often ignored them, and did whatever I wanted too. The worst part was, I lived in a very small town, and my dad knew everyone. My school was basically 98% Muslim and 2% other religion, so whenever I did something bad, My parents found out. I was totally entitled to this but I was young and clearly I did not give two pennies. I once actually sneaked out of my house to go meet up with a boy. And, one of my dad's friend saw us and I lost all my trust from my parents. Needless to say, a few weeks after, My parents got a complain about me and I sure got it. My mom threatened to pull me out and make me stay at home and not get my high school diploma. I am honestly done. I am in that age, where I do not know what is going on and there is a huge clamorous sound in my head telling me i'm a failure and i'm not going to get anywhere in life. But there is another voice, telling me to continue and in the end, everything will be okay. But for now, I am not to be in the presence of a boy and I have to remain in my house until the day I fly off to college. I have no problem with that but sometimes it's alright to have some fun. Sometimes i just wish I could trade places with my older genius sister. She is like the complete opposite of us and is already ready to fly off to some fancy college and get her PhD. I just wish I could find my place in this world.

  8. Wa alaykumusalaam

    I know the way you feel brother i myself am a son and i have
    an elder sister and brother and two younger brothers anyway recently in school i was talking in a lesson and my teacher phoned my parents and my mother and father were furious with me my dad slapped me and my mother was continuously shouting at me i do not see the reason why my elder brother is so much worser than me and if he does anything wrong my parents are so kind to him. I went umrah last year in ramadhan and since then i have changed i wear a thobe i am keeping my beard and i go jamaat nearly every month therefore i look at myself as a good person so i do not see the reason why i get all the beating and shouting at.
    At one point I felt like leaving my house and never turning back but i never because i felt deeply sorry for my mother and i cryed for days and i never ate for days. It says in the fazaa il e amaal that to enter jannah lies under the feet of your parents so the best you could do is live in obedience and make du'aa to Allah.
    Jazakallah for your time

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